If you know it's best for mom to stay at home, how do you talk her into allowing caregivers come and stay?

How do you know it’s best for mom to stay in her own home? Often it isn’t, for exactly the issues that you describe.

I’d back off of this and let your sister deal with it. I mean what can you do if your sister who lives there doesn’t want caregivers in the house? Your sister is the bigger problem here and it’s divide and conquer.

Two of them against one of you.

Is your sister the caregiver?
Have you discussed with her why she doesn't want help?
What circumstances in the home make you believe that the two of them MUST have help?
Who is in charge of mom's care? You? Sister?
Is there dementia involved here? I am assuming there may be for Mom but I am failing to understand why sister won't accept help if this is needed.

If your mother and sister are currently living together, and are not suffering from mental illness or dementia, then honestly you have no right to be sending in cleaning help because, in your opinion, it is needed for "many reasons".
HOWEVER, if there is dementia and mental illness afoot here then this is a larger issue than getting cleaners in periodically I think.
Hope you can give us more info Teal, and sure welcome you.

We faced this as well, and we told her that her insurance was requiring that she have at least some care during the week because they saw she was diagnosed with AD. (She doesn't remember that diagnosis...) Once it was their decision and not our decision, she was more accepting. We have increased it as she has progressed into the disease.

My mom did the exact same thing. She was even telling the hospice aides to leave when my dad was 90% incontinent and kept falling and she couldn’t help him herself. So frustrating.

After he passed, she tried one aide for a couple of months 2 hours/day three days/ week herself, that person didn’t work out. Now she has a high school girl who works for her about the same amount and I help her out the other days. It’s just going to be a continuous cycle as far as I can see until she agrees to AL or falls and it forces the issue.
The one thing that helped a tiny bit in my case is I made a list of all the things I do when I go over there that she cannot do. Remove garbage and recycling from house. Take cans to curb. Collect mail from mailbox. Water garden. Bring in and open packages that are delivered. Put away groceries. Etc. I said you cant do these right? So let the aide do them.

i realize your mom may say “yes i can” even if she can’t. Or she may say “its not important, i can just wait til you come over.” Good luck!

It happens a lot that a care client feels they need to entertain the caregiver. I did homecare for 25 years and operate an agency now. A good caregiver knows how to make themselves scarce in a house so the client doesn't feel like they are on top of them their entire shift.

If you're going to use an agency someone will come out and design a careplan with you. This outlines what areas the client needs help in. If an agency you call does not offer to do this, they are not reputable and you shouldn't use them.

Many clients only need help with housekeeping and errands if they don't drive anymore.
Others needs that plus hygiene assistance, elder-sitting/companionship, meal prep, and socialization.

Does your sister who lives with your mother work? Is she away from the home all day so there needs to be caregivers?
Talk to her and let her know that unless she wants to be 100% for your mother and all of her care needs, she had better get on board with homecare.

Your mother needs to be made to understand that homecare coming in is not a choice. Either she accepts hired help in the home or she will end up in a care facility.

You can tell her what I have told countless clients who refused homecare and believed they could demand their families into servitude and meeting all of their care needs.

"Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".

This tends to wor wonders getting out senior loved ones onboard with homecare.

What tasks need doing?

Maybe start with a specific, defined task may help?
Eg A cleaner to clean the bathroom & mop/vac floors.
Or a gardener to trim/mow the garden.

Mom may feel uncomfortable at first.. but hopefully would let the person get on with the job & get used to the service.

More community tasks eg driving & shopping assistance may also become famililar with time. (Remember the film Driving Miss Daisy?)

Help in the home may feel unsettling. Be seen as an invasion of privacy & defiantly refused.

Or may come to be seen as a welcome relief, a blessing.

Insight & personality play their parts but people can & do change their minds.

I have many families members at various stages: From denial to acceptance. Those lurching around their homes clutching furniture who "don't need a walking stick" to those installing grab bars & welcoming equipment & services that can help.

Tell her that you can not be there as much as you like. The person coming is doing so to help you - to do what you do can not.

It is unfortunate that:

1) You do not tell us what the 'many reasons' are that (apparently) you believe your mom needs a care provider and 'for many reasons."
- This could shed a lot of light on what is actually happening and how to proceed.

2) Do you not say how you are 'working on this issue"

3) You do not mention if your mom is left in the house alone at night and/or for how many hours (is she left alone);

4) You do not tell us that if your sister lives there (which some people responding here are presuming (unless I missed something).

5) Do you not tell us 'why' it is best for your mother to be / remain at home. Who's assessment is this? yours? MD? sister?
How do you come to this assessment?

6) Do you not tell us how many hours your sister and you are there doing 'caregiving' - nor what you are both doing.

7) Do you not mention legal documentation / if anything is in order and who has authority.

If it is medically determined that your mother is considered to be of "sound mind," to be able to care for herself / make her own (legal and otherwise) decisions about her life, there is perhaps little to nothing you can do.

Unfortunately these situations may change due to a fall requiring hospitalization and then the care needed may then be put in place (as your mother may not have a choice). She may be required to go to rehab and/or sent back home.

That your sister doesn't want caregivers in the home is a red flag (to me). Allowing your mom to be alone at times could result in serious medical consequences for your mother.

Why is your sister making these / this decision?

- Why doesn't she want a caregiver in the home caring for your mom when she isn't there?

If you feel the situation is serious, have you called your mom's MD?
If not, why not?

You could call APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask them to do a check although WITHOUT medical documentation whether or not your mom can or cannot take care of herself needs to be determined, perhaps before calling APS. I am not sure they will go over to the house w/o knowing MD determination of care needed (although they will certainly need more information than what you are providing here).

My sense is that your mother is 'way' beyond 'talking to her' about this. If dementia is involved, you cannot 'talk to her' about it. She doesn't have the mental / brain capacity to make these decisions.

She appears to have her feet firmly planted in "no caregiver... I am fine."
This behavior / belief certainly is not unusual. Most people who need help resist out of fear, dementia, losing independence and/or a combination of other factors. This situation is never easy.

So, from my point of view, you either:
1) get MD documentation that she needs caregiver help / should not be left alone-then figure out what to do if she resists (perhaps placement is needed).

2) you 'wait' until a medical situation requires an MD visit;

3) You wait until she needs to go to the ER;

4) Lastly, if she is left alone and MD says she needs someone there w/her, then call APS and ask them to make a visit - when you are there.

Whoever has legal authority will ultimately be the decision maker. You do not tell us that, either. There is a lot of blank spots in your post that you need to address.

Gena / Touch Matters

1. Who is POA?
If your sister lives with mom then she is the primary caregiver.
If your sister is not able to SAFELY care for mom then you might have reason to step in. But if your sister is handling this and she does not need the help of a caregiver then let her take the lead on this.
If something happens to your sister and that leaves mom alone then you might have cause for concern.
If something happens to mom and she is hospitalized you can express your concerns to the discharge planner or Social Worker at the hospital that you do not think mom is safe at home. But if sister is there and demonstrates that she can care for mom then they will discharge mom to your sister's care.

This is hard.
my mom planned for live in LTC, has insurance and still didn’t /doesn’t want help. Fortunately, POA was timely
put in place so I just tell her it was her idea (as evidenced by insurance) and is needed now (she doesn’t remember to eat, bathe or take meds). You may also mention that you need her to have support for your own peace of mind and to be there for your family as she was there for you. It’s a journey for sure. Having supportive family / sibs to reinforce helps.
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appears sis has this covered.

How do you know it's best for mom to stay at home? Because she wants to and refuses all help?

It would be good for you to read some posts on here that are similar to yours. Sometimes it's eye-opening to know that many are in your same situation. Also, some have traveled too long on a path that starts out with mom not wanting any help.

So your sister lives with mom and neither one of them feel it's necessary to have a caregiver in the home. Yet you are the one insisting on it. You give no details at all about why, or what health issues mom suffers from that would indicate she needs another person in the home to care for her. You're looking for ideas as to how to force your way upon your mom and sister w/o backing up your reasons.

Until you fill in the gaps, your question cannot be answered.

If your mother is suffering so much mental deficit I would say she is not safe living alone. Just my personal opinion. You say your one sister doesn't want them in either. Does this sister live with mother as caregiver?

I would say that this is a case of whether or not your mother is capable of making her own decisions. If she is, then I would allow her to make them. If she is not, you are dealing with a larger issue which is how to get her diagnosed and into care.

You don't really provide us with enough information to help you much, but I do wish you good luck.

My siblings and I got my dad to agree to hire a part time helper by firmly telling him there were two choices, move to assisted living or hire a helper. He wanted nothing to do with either, and we had no real power to force anything, but by being firm and refusing to be with him all the time, he relented and a fantastic helper was hired. Despite his not wanting “someone in his house” she quickly won him over. Not sure you can do the same since your sister is both there all the time and opposed to a hire. It definitely took my siblings and I presenting a united front to dad, and letting him know we couldn’t and wouldn’t be his only source of help. Seems your biggest hurdle might be sister?

First I must ask....how do you know that it's best for your mom to stay in her home?
Is it just because she wants to....despite requiring more care than 1 or 2 people can provide?
And why is your sister who lives with her not wanting to let caregivers in? Is she doing the required care for your mom? Or does she not want the caregivers to see what a slack job she is doing with your mom?
So many unanswered questions here, but bottom line, if your mom doesn't want or think that she needs care, then let her be and quit propping her up.
If everyone quits doing for her and she is on her own to figure things out, she may just come around and let those caregivers in.
Or better yet, she will agree to move into an assisted living facility where she will be taken better care of and you can get with living and enjoying your life.

If your one sister is there "all the time" and she doesn't want them there either, then why are you insisting on this? Is your sister acting as the caregiver or isn't she? If she isn't, then why is she there at all? What's her actual role? How old are your Mom and sister? More info would be helpful.