Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I am REALLY glad to read that you are going on vacation. This is so important for you - to renew yourself and get some enjoyment in your life.
You do not prepare him. He has dementia. You take him out for a ride and take him to the nursing home. He may get agitated as it will be unfamiliar - however, you can't 'explain' this to him so do not try. All that will do is confuse him and upset him.
Be aware of keeping yourself calm and smiling the day you take him in. He will or may pick up on your emotional state. You want to keep him as calm as possible.
Talk to the manager / administrator before you go (as you likely have already) and see how they handle these transition needs. They know what they are doing. Ask them how they suggest you 'bring him in.'
Since he has dementia, you give him a kiss and a hug and say "I'll be right back." Then you leave. He won't remember.
If I were you, I might take him out for a ride the day before for five minutes and then come home. He may (or likely may not‚ remember the day before. If he does have any recall, he may figure he is going for another ride). This also may not be necessary. Often people with dementia forget or do not recall from one second to the next.
If you are 'terrible at these things,' as you say, start a list. Write everything down that you need to handle. I write everything down - in three places.
My mother is now 95 w mild to moderate dementia of some sort. I have been staying FT with her for 3 yrs. I have to travel for work. We go to same n home evey time I go. We use white boards at home. About a week before I write that on whatever day she is going to n home, I am going to wherever, dog is going to kennel, all come home whatever date. We dont usually talk about it anymore much. She refers to that board leading up to the visit. Same place I write doctors appointments when we have to leave the house. Sometimes she will say she thinks she can stay at the house by herself and we have to have a 'discussion' about that. But usually the board is enough. Sometimes I find a note from her to be sure to stop the mail and newspaper. 😉 some parts are still there.
Prep the n home care team. Does loved ones need extra time to eat? My mom sure does. Can sit w a tray til the next meal is served. So pls dont take the tray away or she will never eat. Pls encourage she drink something whenever anyone srops around. What is the tv situation? We have to take one..but they have to connect it to cable and use their remote. That only happens M-F, so if you are dropping off on a weekend, it might not happen for a couple days or at all. That I'd a problem for those stuck in bed w nothing else interesting to do. We managed to teach my mom how to play solitaire and math jong on a tablet. I now take that as well, plu extension cord to leave it plugged in the while time... (staff won't mess with charging). Does he answer a phone? Does he knownyour voice still? What is that situation? My mom is not good on a cell phone, but I take it and leave plugged in (ext cord) and sometimes she can answer on her own. It doesn not bother her that I can tell or have been told that I call her sometimes.
Find out if the n home is really set up for respite... ie, it took an incident of no bathing for my whole trip one time to get them to put respite folks on the shower schedule. (She came home in clothes she arrived in). Make sure there is a care plan you agree to for him. How does he get what meds... esp pain meds if needed, (if that applies). We give e.g. Tylenol for pain 1 pill every 3 hrs instead of 2 every 6 b/c it makes it more frequent we are able/trying to help her pain..
I take sweets/snacks she likes and usually has at home, so if she won't eat their food she might at least eat that. Also take silverware for that b/c might be hours before a meal when she would get some to use.
I usually have to ask staff to get a cup of water or juice for her before I go, so she has that avail.
Inquire about mobility aids. Do you have to take your own cane or walker? If so mark it well w his name..they may get lost or switched out w someone else's. I use address labels and sharpies. Mark everything he owns w his name. (Clothes, socks, books, etc). Don't take anything you would regret losing or can't replace. Depending on the clientele, Sometimes residents w sticky fingers wander..... stuff comes up missing. And staff are generally immune to that imo. Also immune to tv not being connected, or remote missing as they now try to convince me it was connected but someone stole the remote and they're too busy to monitor that.
Take a white board to write down staff names or other things like they have in the hospitals. Take a calendar if he is big into what day is it etc like my mom is. I do risk taking her atomic clock that shows day, date, time, etc. Its big for her. I also take that white board that shows where I am (you could fib about that) & when she goes home.
This is just my experience. We were doing good w mostly same staff & a cple great nurses, but they just left, & last visit was again no bathing &when I complained admin asked why I continue w them when im not happy, so not sure what the future holds. No place is great these days & at least we had familiarity there. But if they dont fix the bathing..... we'll have to try another place.
Nursing home administrators will never take responsibility for their own mistakes and will keep family member advocate in dark or try to turn it around saying resident refused.
Missing, Also don’t tell him you’re going on vacation without him as that will cause him to be agitated..tell him you’re doing emergency repairs in house or something like that…& you’re going to stay with family or girlfriend for few days till the work is finished. Hugs 🤗
Give yourself some credit here. You're handling it. One thing at a time. Going to visit the nursing home your husband is going to stay at is a very good idea. You will see for yourself and meet some of the care staff. Then enjoy your vacation because you deserve it.
I don't think you can prepare him. Who knows how he will handle it. This will be a trial to find out how he does in the nursing home setting. Yes, from my experience, he could regress because he will not get the same attention from nursing home staff as he gets at home from you. He will get less help with transfers. If he is mobile, they might have a policy requiring him to use a wheelchair getting around. You can ask the facility in advance if that is the case. He will likely have less mental and physical stimulation, unless he joins in group activities and socializes with other residents.
You wonder how you can prepare him. It depends what his capacity is for understanding and retaining information. Of course, you can start talking about it, keeping a positive attitude about this short term vacation he will be taking.
Have a plan B - Just in case there is any trouble at the nursing home, have someone ready who can take care of him if the nursing home must discharge him, or to have medical POA if he needs to go to a hospital. You need someone local who can manage any issues while you are away. You don't want to get a phone call with an emergency situation while you are far away and need to cut your vacation short and travel home, or scramble to find someone at home to manage this in your absence.
Grandma has some good suggestions. Ask if you can bring him for a hour or so like your visiting. When you leave him for vacation, take him before a meal. When he sits to eat, kiss him and say you will see him later and walk out. Just like you would with a child.
POA, yes, you can have temporary one drawn up.
For my Mom, a respite stay turned into a permanent one because she did so well.
Is it possible to bring him for a day a few times before you go. Call it "Adult Day Care" he will get used to the people. He will be able to know there is a routine. When I placed my Husband for Respite it was in the same place Where I had been taking him for Day Care. (He/we had been asked to not return to the "official" Adult Day Program that he had been going to so I asked a local MC if they would take him for Day Care. and luckily they agreed so when I needed Respite that was the logical thing.) I also was worried that he would decline to the point that I would be unable to bring him home. That fear never materialized. He adjusted very well when he returned home, just like he had been gone for just the day.
Suggestions for you. Appoint someone temporary Guardian just in case they have to make a decision on his care and the facility can not get hold of you. Make sure it is someone that you TRUST and that they are in alignment with you on any treatment.
If the facility where he is going to be will not let you bring him a few times find out if you can at least bring him for lunch. The 2 of you have a lunch and walk around the area where he will be. At least this way the area will be a bit familiar to him.
When you bring him. Keep it simple. Tell him you will see him later. And quietly leave. (to do this you might have to bring the things he will need the day before. Ask the facility what he will need for the length of time he will be there.) If you can get him involved with something to keep him occupied. (you can cry in the car)
I dropped my Husband off the day before I left. That gave me a chance to pack without him seeing a suitcase. I picked him up the day after I returned. This gave me a chance to unpack, do laundry and get some shopping done.
Anticipate that he will decline. If he does that is part of the journey with dementia. He may return to his "baseline" after he gets back home. If he does not decline then he and you are right where you are now except you have a fresher outlook and are rested.
Just a warning about what happened to my MIL when she put our great aunt in respite care for 2 weeks. My husband's great aunt was in her 90's. She was not mentally impaired but a somewhat arrogant and opinionated woman. She decided to brag to anyone who would listen (including staff) that she wasn't a "real" resident and was just staying there while her caretaker was visiting relatives out of town. When MIL returned, her house had been vandalized and robbed. The police investigation revealed that great aunt had told everyone in respite where she lives and that no one was home. They suspected a staff or relative did the break-in. MIL was in her 80's and never thought about having someone watch her farmhouse while she was gone.
You can't "prepare" your husband as his brain is now permanently broken. I would tell him either the day before or the day of that you're going out of town and that he'll be in good hands while you're away. Any time you disrupt a person with dementias routine, they will digress for a bit but hopefully once he's back home he'll readjust. Or maybe this may just be the opportunity you need to get him permanently placed if his care's gotten to be too much for you. Just some food for thought.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This is so important for you - to renew yourself and get some enjoyment in your life.
You do not prepare him. He has dementia.
You take him out for a ride and take him to the nursing home.
He may get agitated as it will be unfamiliar - however, you can't 'explain' this to him so do not try. All that will do is confuse him and upset him.
Be aware of keeping yourself calm and smiling the day you take him in. He will or may pick up on your emotional state. You want to keep him as calm as possible.
Talk to the manager / administrator before you go (as you likely have already) and see how they handle these transition needs. They know what they are doing. Ask them how they suggest you 'bring him in.'
Since he has dementia, you give him a kiss and a hug and say "I'll be right back." Then you leave. He won't remember.
If I were you, I might take him out for a ride the day before for five minutes and then come home. He may (or likely may not‚ remember the day before. If he does have any recall, he may figure he is going for another ride). This also may not be necessary. Often people with dementia forget or do not recall from one second to the next.
If you are 'terrible at these things,' as you say, start a list. Write everything down that you need to handle. I write everything down - in three places.
Gena / Touch Matters
Sometimes she will say she thinks she can stay at the house by herself and we have to have a 'discussion' about that. But usually the board is enough. Sometimes I find a note from her to be sure to stop the mail and newspaper. 😉 some parts are still there.
Prep the n home care team. Does loved ones need extra time to eat? My mom sure does. Can sit w a tray til the next meal is served. So pls dont take the tray away or she will never eat. Pls encourage she drink something whenever anyone srops around. What is the tv situation? We have to take one..but they have to connect it to cable and use their remote. That only happens M-F, so if you are dropping off on a weekend, it might not happen for a couple days or at all. That I'd a problem for those stuck in bed w nothing else interesting to do. We managed to teach my mom how to play solitaire and math jong on a tablet. I now take that as well, plu extension cord to leave it plugged in the while time... (staff won't mess with charging). Does he answer a phone? Does he knownyour voice still? What is that situation? My mom is not good on a cell phone, but I take it and leave plugged in (ext cord) and sometimes she can answer on her own. It doesn not bother her that I can tell or have been told that I call her sometimes.
Find out if the n home is really set up for respite... ie, it took an incident of no bathing for my whole trip one time to get them to put respite folks on the shower schedule. (She came home in clothes she arrived in). Make sure there is a care plan you agree to for him. How does he get what meds... esp pain meds if needed, (if that applies). We give e.g. Tylenol for pain 1 pill every 3 hrs instead of 2 every 6 b/c it makes it more frequent we are able/trying to help her pain..
I take sweets/snacks she likes and usually has at home, so if she won't eat their food she might at least eat that. Also take silverware for that b/c might be hours before a meal when she would get some to use.
I usually have to ask staff to get a cup of water or juice for her before I go, so she has that avail.
Inquire about mobility aids. Do you have to take your own cane or walker? If so mark it well w his name..they may get lost or switched out w someone else's. I use address labels and sharpies. Mark everything he owns w his name. (Clothes, socks, books, etc). Don't take anything you would regret losing or can't replace. Depending on the clientele, Sometimes residents w sticky fingers wander..... stuff comes up missing. And staff are generally immune to that imo. Also immune to tv not being connected, or remote missing as they now try to convince me it was connected but someone stole the remote and they're too busy to monitor that.
Take a white board to write down staff names or other things like they have in the hospitals. Take a calendar if he is big into what day is it etc like my mom is. I do risk taking her atomic clock that shows day, date, time, etc. Its big for her. I also take that white board that shows where I am (you could fib about that) & when she goes home.
This is just my experience. We were doing good w mostly same staff & a cple great nurses, but they just left, & last visit was again no bathing &when I complained admin asked why I continue w them when im not happy, so not sure what the future holds. No place is great these days & at least we had familiarity there. But if they dont fix the bathing..... we'll have to try another place.
There is so much to do/think about and I’m terrible at things like this.
Give yourself some credit here. You're handling it. One thing at a time. Going to visit the nursing home your husband is going to stay at is a very good idea. You will see for yourself and meet some of the care staff. Then enjoy your vacation because you deserve it.
Who knows how he will handle it. This will be a trial to find out how he does in the nursing home setting.
Yes, from my experience, he could regress because he will not get the same attention from nursing home staff as he gets at home from you.
He will get less help with transfers. If he is mobile, they might have a policy requiring him to use a wheelchair getting around. You can ask the facility in advance if that is the case.
He will likely have less mental and physical stimulation, unless he joins in group activities and socializes with other residents.
You wonder how you can prepare him. It depends what his capacity is for understanding and retaining information. Of course, you can start talking about it, keeping a positive attitude about this short term vacation he will be taking.
Have a plan B - Just in case there is any trouble at the nursing home, have someone ready who can take care of him if the nursing home must discharge him, or to have medical POA if he needs to go to a hospital. You need someone local who can manage any issues while you are away. You don't want to get a phone call with an emergency situation while you are far away and need to cut your vacation short and travel home, or scramble to find someone at home to manage this in your absence.
POA, yes, you can have temporary one drawn up.
For my Mom, a respite stay turned into a permanent one because she did so well.
When I placed my Husband for Respite it was in the same place Where I had been taking him for Day Care. (He/we had been asked to not return to the "official" Adult Day Program that he had been going to so I asked a local MC if they would take him for Day Care. and luckily they agreed so when I needed Respite that was the logical thing.)
I also was worried that he would decline to the point that I would be unable to bring him home. That fear never materialized.
He adjusted very well when he returned home, just like he had been gone for just the day.
Suggestions for you.
Appoint someone temporary Guardian just in case they have to make a decision on his care and the facility can not get hold of you. Make sure it is someone that you TRUST and that they are in alignment with you on any treatment.
If the facility where he is going to be will not let you bring him a few times find out if you can at least bring him for lunch. The 2 of you have a lunch and walk around the area where he will be. At least this way the area will be a bit familiar to him.
When you bring him. Keep it simple. Tell him you will see him later. And quietly leave. (to do this you might have to bring the things he will need the day before. Ask the facility what he will need for the length of time he will be there.) If you can get him involved with something to keep him occupied. (you can cry in the car)
I dropped my Husband off the day before I left. That gave me a chance to pack without him seeing a suitcase. I picked him up the day after I returned. This gave me a chance to unpack, do laundry and get some shopping done.
Anticipate that he will decline. If he does that is part of the journey with dementia. He may return to his "baseline" after he gets back home.
If he does not decline then he and you are right where you are now except you have a fresher outlook and are rested.
When MIL returned, her house had been vandalized and robbed. The police investigation revealed that great aunt had told everyone in respite where she lives and that no one was home. They suspected a staff or relative did the break-in. MIL was in her 80's and never thought about having someone watch her farmhouse while she was gone.
I would tell him either the day before or the day of that you're going out of town and that he'll be in good hands while you're away.
Any time you disrupt a person with dementias routine, they will digress for a bit but hopefully once he's back home he'll readjust.
Or maybe this may just be the opportunity you need to get him permanently placed if his care's gotten to be too much for you.
Just some food for thought.