After 30 years of being wife /carer, I’m tired. My husband was diabetic before we met. Didn’t take any of it seriously, drank heavily, smoked. My role as wife has always been the carer. He’s now reg, blind, has copd, heart disease, some fluid on brain, poor mobility, dementia. I do all care, assist with wash, dress, shower etc. I do all blood tests, injections / insulin. Count carbs in food accordingly. We did have a little care help, but government have now moved financial goal post, so we can’t afford help. I’m doing job of nurse, but I’m NOT A NURSE. No time for me. I can’t be ill, no time for friends, family. I just feel what about ME? After 30 years, I’m thinking of nursing home permanently, but the guilt holds me back... why?
A definition: "Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation." (wikipedia)
Note the somewhat highlighted "accurately or not." You have not, nor will you be violating any standards of conduct or moral standards. What guilt might do, if you let it take over and keep your husband home because of it, is lead to a health issue or worse for YOU. Then where will he be? Obviously he cannot care for himself. If you end up in a hospital, unable to communicate, who will know about him and ensure he is cared for? If you become injured or disabled, it will become an IMMEDIATE emergency to see that he is cared for. Be proactive, not reactive!
Yes, you made those vows "for better or worse", but getting him into a skilled nursing facility where he will be cared for IS still honoring those vows! It is not like you want to drop him off someplace and wipe your hands of him. You want him to get care but you need your sanity back too. You said yourself you are not a nurse. They would have nurses to provide the care he needs. You then will be able to spend time with him, and enjoy the time you have left together as husband and wife instead of spending all your time playing nurse, nanny and cleaning service!!! There's no guilt in that!
Many here have given you wonderful advice, and examples of their journeys and how it has worked out for them. Yes, pangs of guilt may still poke at you, but once the onus of all that caregiving is lifted, and you can spend QUALITY time with him, those will diminish.
As others have advised, start looking for a good facility AND visit with an elder care attorney who can assist you with financial concerns. Assets like your home can be protected and other assets allocated so that you might qualify for Medicaid and/or Veteran's benefits. Finding a good place will take some time as there are so many who need this help, so it is best to get started now and in the meantime find a good attorney to work out the finances. Our mother was moved to MC facility January 2017. I asked the other day how many residents there are (she was the first in MC - place was torn down and rebuilt into IL/AL/MC.) I was told 18, which is the maximum. The woman went on to say that all three levels are full (they opened in stages starting in the fall of 2016) AND there is a current WAITING list of 60! There's no time like the present to get started - you might actually find that during the process of finding a place your mood might actually improve!!!