My siblings have left a lot of the responsibility on me caring for our mother.
Making appointments for GP, finances, etc.
My mother is now in care for the past few weeks. My siblings and I have been chatting about my mother's well-being since going into care.
I feel my siblings are taking over without my input, which makes me furious to the point I start to verbally abuse them.
I guess my resentment is very deep towards them, it's creating alot of stress and anxiety in my day to day life.
I have lost respect for them on all levels.
Is it because they didn't help in the past? That's a perfectly normal feeling for you to have. But we don't know a lot about your family dynamic so we can't really speak to why they might have kept their distance. They may have had their reasons at the time.
Is it because they are helping too much now? Do you feel usurped because they didn't help before and now you feel like they are trying to take over? You wanted their help before but don't now? Maybe you should take this opportunity to step back and let them run with it and take a break. Is there a reason it's bothering you that they are ready to help now?
Why have you lost all respect for them? We don't have a lot of details. We see this a lot. The sibling dynamic when it comes to parental caregiving is dicey at best. Often especially there is a lot of competition for parental love and affection even into adulthood and those dynamics that were set up in early childhood still stand as adults - if you were the parent pleaser as a kid it's likely you still are. If you were the one that always did whatever you were told as a kid that that probably still stands today.
Did you and your siblings get along before you became caregiver for your mother?
Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances. Unless your siblings are making dangerous or questionable decisions - maybe this is a good thing and it will give you a break to rest for a while and take a deep breath and get back to your own life and let them take over for a while!
You accepted the responsibility in the past, you did your part, might be time to relinquish the role of chief caretaker and move on with your life.
Resentment accomplishes nothing positive all it does is upset you and certainly is a negative stressor for all involved.
You cannot change ANYONE in life, least of all your siblings. They have made their own choices, just as YOU have made YOUR choices.
The real question then is only whether your own choices are working for you. If they are not, you need to recognize that you are ALONE, just as though those other siblings had never been born (they have already opted out). Now it is on you. If this choice is not working for you, you need to figure out what WILL work.
I am hoping you have not already gone so far as to take your elder into your home, quit your job, moved in with your elder, or painted yourself into some other very difficult corner. If you haven't already made those mistakes, please DON'T make them.
If your Mom is now incapable of handling her finances, her appointments,and her activities of daily living, then it is time for placement for her.You can support her in finding the best place available for her given her finances (or lack thereof), and you can faithfully visit, love and support her. But giving your own life up on the altar of several decades of care of a parent is a choice. One you now are left to make. You didn't create this problem. You can't cure this problem. But what you do to protect yourself and your own future is now crucial. In a sense your Mom has had her life and made her choices. That she be allowed to consume the better part of YOUR life should not be an option. I am 80. My daughter is 60. Should she give up her entire life to care for ME? It is my idea of a waste and a nightmare for us both. She has had a life, she has a career, she is looking at retirement soon, she travels and has put her son through college; she and her spouse should not have been saddled with ME while they raised their son, and they shouldn't be saddled with ME while they enjoy some of the most carefree time in their lives, when their own chick has flown the nest, and they have the freedom and the health to enjoy their lives, their hobbies, their travel.
Your siblings may have made the right choices. I hate that sounds so blunt and awful, but it may be a fact.
If you need help in ironing out what the options are please try to get a few hours with a licensed social worker in private practice, who works with those in life transitions work.
I sure wish you the best, and I wish you a QUALITY of life that is good. That INCLUDES your Mom, but not one that is ABOUT your Mom.
What you write about your daughter is also how I think about my aging, AlvaDeer. I'm in my 50s and don't want my children saddled with me when the time comes. I chose to have babies that grow into adults and leave. They didn't choose to have a fully grown adult to feed, bath and toilet as I continue to decline toward death. I have plans in place so they aren't burdened with such an awful situation.