New to caretaking, Grandma 87- Alzheimer’s. Her diagnosis is still borderline moderate, so she is fending for herself quite a bit, when it comes to food. The main kitchen fridge is designated to just her, and I’m supervising as much as I can. But its like, she just wants to be left alone in the kitchen all day to basically “play” and see how many times it takes her to attempt getting food, before she actually succeeds and eats it. I’m losing my mind at how much food I throw away. Or, if I make us all dinner (my 15yr old daughter lives here too) I’ll see her, on the Ring camera, sneaking to throw away her entire plate. I ask her what she wants to eat, and she’s beyond being able to make those choices, but sometimes I feel like she just doesn’t want to tell me. I just don’t know what to do, I can’t let her have much freedom in the kitchen because she’s very unsafe and caused small fires, etc, in the past. I’ve been here 2 months, and it should be considered also that her and I had a very strained and distant relationship, for many years(on her terms), however we get along wonderfully now and she seems to really enjoy having us here. This is the only issue. I don’t know how to talk to her, what do I even say, or if I even should. I exert SO MUCH mental energy, trying to navigate how to handle the entire grocery situation, and make sure the kitchen is well prepared for her, without risking too much money down the drain, ya know? I’m home full-time to take care of her, and my daughter. But she does all of this when I’m sleeping or gone from the house. Please help!
How are you supporting yourself and your daughter? It doesn't sound like you're old enough to be retired and financially secure for the rest of your life. Is your Grandma paying you to be her caregiver? Or did you give up an income to take care of her for free? Or is there a spouse back home who you, with good intentions, have abandoned in favor of your grandmother?
Reclaim your life, and your daughter's, and get Grandma the safe supervision she needs. You can then visit her on your new-found good terms and enjoy the visits, instead of spending all day every day stressed and on alert.
Secondly, don't ask her what she wants to eat. She is clearly not able to handle that much choice and probably gets anxious or agitated when trying to decide. So you give her two choices per meal.
Breakfast: Do you want cereal or toast and eggs?
Lunch: Do you want soup or a sandwich?
Supper: Do you want meatloaf or roast chicken?
She can't cook anymore. Take the knobs off the stove if possible, especially at night. Get the child-proof ones so she can't turn the stove on. Put a child-proof latch on the refridgerator so she can't get in there at night. Do this with the cabinets too. Keep non-perishable snacks and drinks on the kitchen table for her that she has access to at night. Her safety and everyone else's living in the house is more important than catering to her playing in the kitchen all day. You can let her help with some meal prep that you supervise if that is possible. Like helping to make the salad. Or setting the table. You're being paid to be her caregiver. You could let her have some playtime cooking and you do it with her. I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I had to do this lots of times with old ladies that had dementia, but were used to cooking all of their lives for family. You pretty much do the dish they're trying to make, only convertly. While you set grandma to say, sifting flour for half an hour, you do the actual cooking. When it's time to sit down and eat, you and your daughter praise grandma for the wonderful meal she 'made' and thank her repeatedly. Then you go and clean up the mess.
You have to make the kitchen non-functional at night and never leave her alone in it. That has to be priority number one.
I suggest you order 2 books. Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, and The 36 Hour Day, both available on Amazon. Learn how to take care of a dementia patient and keep her safe by entering her world.
Best of luck with a tough situation.
We lost two family members from a fire. And I used to be a 911 Dispatcher. Fires happens quickly. Don't let this happen to you. Or your Grandmother, or your Daughter.
Safety for all of you should be your primary goal, as opposed to the quality or quantity of food... The food does not matter, but your lives do.
She's not safe to be alone, even if you don't like that answer. This is not about food money. It's about life and death.
She needs to be supervised 24/7, and she really should go into a facility. Even though that's not what you want to do.
It may help you if you educated yourself more about the horrific disease of dementia as that will help you better understand just what grandma is going through.
Her brain is broken and will never get better, only worse, so I hope her children are prepared for what is to come.
Now when it comes to you making her meals it's best to just give her 2 choices as any more is too confusing for someone with a broken brain. And she may not actually understand what you're telling her(that's where educating yourself more comes in handy)so you may just have to show her what her options are.
Like with my late husband who had vascular dementia, I would show him his favorite Stouffers meatloaf and mashed potatoes frozen dinner or a pack of hotdogs(2 things that were easy for him to eat and he loved)and he would point to which he wanted that night for supper.
It also sounds like your grandma can no longer safely stay by herself, which means that one of her children will have to come stay with her if and when you are away from the house. And if they're not willing to do that then it's time for her children to look into getting her placed in the appropriate facility.
My friend's husband started an egg to cook and forgot about it. He went off to do something else. She came home to a terrible stink, the egg about to catch on fire! How about used toilet tissue in the fridge? It happens, just wait. I saw my husband taking the largest knife in our home out of the couch. He'd evidently put it under the couch cover between the cushions at some previous time. I don't know how long it was there or why he'd hidden it. He'd been hearing voices that only he could hear. Did they play a part in this? I didn't know how many other knives he might have secreted around the house, so I conducted an exhaustive search until I was sure there were no more. Why had he hidden a knife? Did my sweet calm husband have a plan to use it in a nefarious way? Who knows? I had to make sure at that point that he could no longer access knives or any other dangerous object.
Let's make this about you and your daughter instead of how you can best cater to demented grandma. Would you willingly put daughter in danger in any way? Wouldn't you protect her from every danger if you could? Of course you would. Grandma is a danger. Her brain is broken, and you and your daughter aren't safe. You made this plan thinking that things were one way, like not so bad yet, but you now know that things aren't that way at all. Modify the plan, put grandma where she is safe and can't burn down anything, and consider yourself well away from the threat that she poses.
I'm so sorry, but dementia is much more than losing memory. It's loss of executive function, judgment, empathy, and it presents a whole raft of other personality problems. Home care is often inadequate, and you need to consider other options.
Who is paying for the food?
If you and your daughter are living with grandma then this is her house and you are (probably) unwanted guests. And you sorta have to play by her rules.
If grandma is living with you it is your house and you can establish rules, boundaries that grandma should follow.
If you are paying for the food then you have a right be be upset when food is wasted.
If grandma is paying for the food while it is sad to see food wasted you need to bite your tongue until this phase passes.
If there is a way that you can limit what groceries are purchased so that there is less to waste that might help. (I am guessing that you are the one shopping)
A comment on your last statement.
Your grandma should not be left alone. With dementia being left alone so many things could happen. She could wander off, turn on the stove and leave it, turn on water and leave it., let a stranger into the house (the "gas man" or "electric company") that has to check something...
You can put a lock on the refrigerator and there are locks for cabinets that you can install. This would prevent her from getting into areas she shouldn't.
It even makes me angry at times because nobody asks a very important question:
Where is parent-in-law’s SON!? How is he helping, if at all?
Where are the SONS who should be here discussing things too? Not just their wives!
This REALLY irks me — how we do not hold sons responsible enough for their aging parents. Instead so many of us knowingly or unknowingly accept everything getting dumped on daughter-in-law.
AmIRight?
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