Impatience with impatient mom with dementia. Any ideas on how to deal?

Impatience is definitely not only a virtue, but a must. I sometimes wonder if I've learned to be patient with my mom and brother, or with my own initial thoughts of "they should know better". I had to force myself to come to that conclusion and tolerate my own shortcomings.

Braida, I had exactly the same thing happen to me when I took mom shoe shopping a short time ago. The only thing different was , when I decided we had to leave she screamed at the top of her voice, she had to pee. I took her to the bathroom in the store and she cussed and told me what for the entire time. I gone shopping since.

You are not a bad person. You are not a bad child, You are human. I think if siblings don't help, they may not be capable of giving what is needed anyway. Maybe that's why they don't help out. Maybe it's a blessing that they don't!

My husband and I live with his 90-something parents. We discovered that while he has dementia, she is the difficult one; probably from burnout. Possibly from the beginnings of dementia, We are learning how to deal with her; he is easy. No he doesn't remember much, yes he asks the same things several times a day, forgets that he can't stand or use the bathroom because of a stroke, but he is ever grateful, mostly cheerful and fun.

On the other hand, she takes everything very personal, as if he got dementia and had a stroke to spite her. She is stingy with him (wants to reuse diapers because they just smell!), cold, treats us like we are children who know nothing about anything (both over 60), and when we treat him nice or say I love you,, it's just for show. And his three brothers idea of helping out is disappearing or showing up for dinner once a week!

Patience is a learned skill and we are in an AP class!. I've been sick in bed for two weeks, so my hubby has been doing it all alone, Yesterday he blew up at everyone because we get no help from his brothers, and his mother was making matters worse. His mother, he and I later talked, firmly with love, about the situation and her behavior with semi-positive results. She actually apologized to me.

I used some Christian caregiver skills I acquired years ago to have that conversation. Like "When you ...., I feel .... Taking responsibility for my feelings while placing responsibility for poor behavior on her shoulders. I learned long ago from dealing with my mentally ill mother that a) it isn't personal, and b) I need to ask myself "what do I hope to gain from this?" and "how can I act to be sure I get it?" The answers determine my behavior. Not that I don't occasionally treat everyone to a taste of their own medicine or heir own words, but I try to keep that to a minimum. It doesn't pay well. :)

Everybody has their own way of dealing with their care receiver and since we are all different, nothing always works for everybody. And nobody can do it alone.

If you can't get respite care, contact your church and see if there are members who will/can sit with your parent for a couple of hours while you just get away. Or maybe a neighbor, friend, community group, ?? Be creative. You need it. You owe it not just to yourself, but to your parent!

Good mum bad mum this is hard no matter what! I have had 5days of constant washing? for someone who spends her life in her PJs where the hell are all the clothes coming from?? she asked me what was in the basket I said "please do not touch them they are my CLEAN clothes ill iron them later,ok she said? Came home from shops theres my clean clothes in the machine with her smelly dirty pooh clothes i havnt eaten today am so MAD its just getting worse but we have a choice completly LOSE IT or as another post said learn to let it go and ignore her? Damn Hard! I walk away have a bath or just not be around her as im too annoyed and stressed AND sad. I hope this washing obsession dosnt last long as i really cant handle it. My mum was a good mum although negative and unhappy but since the dementia shes become nasty! Shes been taking aricept for 3wks now and I think its calmed her down but made her more agitated?
We all feel guilty we think we can fix it or make it better we cant we can just make them safe and comfortble while trying damn hard not to lose it ourselves!!

Wait Wait Wait just a minute here !!
If you have a parent in your life (or any other person) who has consistantly been a problem for you,,,, get them into a safe, controled living situation and then you just visit them ! You deserve and are entitled to a happy life ! My mom who is now 85 years old always said " Life is too short to be unhappy for more than one day in a row....but only YOU can change your life "!!!
Soooo, stop throwing pearls before swine ! These unappreciative human unhappiness machines need safe care but you do not have to "sacrifice" your life and freedom for people who have been mostly disrespectful and harmful to you your entire life ! You only owe it to them to make sure that they are safely cared for,,,by someone else !! Take your life back !!!

I can relate to what you wrote. My Mom has dementia NOT in early stages however. She has always had some issues reasoning and over reacting. She is 86 and I am her primary caregiver. Sometimes I have to really really work hard and NOT losing my patience with her. I have to tell myself she cannot help it now. She is still amazingly manipulative (not a new thing) and she gets VERY childish at times. I try really hard to do what I can do. Keep in mind you cannot "fix" this, she will decline. She will call me at times like her hair is on fire about REALLY silly stuff. At times she is still Mom kind and caring and concerned! I know it is hard for her my Dad has been gone for 3 years now and she really misses him, but so do I. I know both of my sisters do NOT understand and basically lose their patience with her. take care and NO NO NO you are NOT a bad daughter.

Wow, this was a great thread. So many things I could relate to, and so many wonderful postings of all of us going through almost identical things, thus it is very helpful and almost consoling to be together in this. One thing I'd like to say in relating to "Wordy-two-shoes" who spoke of her father's resistance to doing things he's asked to do, like MOVE when he's supposed to, etc. :) I think sometimes my Mom actually puts on a complete DUH! response when I'm in a hurry to get her ready for something, or when she needs to do something. It's as though she knows just when I'm under the most stress (like kids or even the dogs know) and decides to be uncooperative. I know this is thought of not to be the case, but it sure does seem like it sometimes. I have stopped taking my Mom out to certain places w/ me, because of her two-year old behavior at times. Example: A big shoe sale in town. I was going to get her a pair and myself a pair. Most times I try to shop at top speed w/ Mom because she gets impatient and I have a short list and do it fast. But shoe shopping takes a little bit of consideration. So I sat her in the comfy chair, and I was very close by picking up and looking at certain styles, and the next thing here she is tottering around and picking up spiked boots, and demanding to try on spiked heeled boots that are two sizes too small. So I say in a very patient and kindly tone, "Oh no, Mom, you can't wear spiked heels." (she can barely keep her balance in flats) And I tell her to please take her seat and I'll bring some loafers for her to try on. At the same time I'm desperately trying to find myself something, because it's such a good sale. Well, she was making such a fuss, and would not do as I asked, (just like a little kid misbehaving when other people are around) People were looking in our direction because Mom kept fussing about these spiked heeled boots. They were looking at me like, "Awww, just let her try em' on." Well she would've fallen flat on her face, for one thing. So I calmly had to put everything back on the shelves and sweetly tell the salesman that we'd come back another time, and begin the process of escorting Mom out of the shop (which she was loudly balking at....WHY do we have to leave??) When we got out of there, I said, still speaking calmly but fuming furiously inside, that we were leaving because her behavior was unacceptable, and it was impossible for us to do any shoe shopping because of that. She argued a blue streak (she should have been an attorney) and I just said we'd do shoe shopping again somewhere down the road because I can never win an argument w/ her. But of course I'm insane because who can ever win an argument with someone who has no reasoning skills. I keep forgetting that! She was always so reasonable and smart, and I just keep resorting to tactics that I think she'll "get" but it's not happening. And all that happens is me getting so stinking frustrated that I could explode, but I hold it all in....patience patience patience! She can't help it! She doesn't mean to be misbehaving! But honestly, sometimes I think she DOES. Oh God, back to the mantra,"God grant me the patience.."I forget the rest, but you know what I mean. ;) Thanks for listening to my rant. Thanks for being there all of you! I'd be less sane without this site. And that would be scary. God Bless You Sisters!!

I have the same type of problems with my mom. I love my parents dearly, but I feel myself getting angry at them. I think for me it is burn out. BUT, one thing we did was make a "memory board" for my mom! It saved a lot of repeat! We posted pictures of family with their names on it. We posted a lot of things like "This is Nila and Alverdo's House!" "They have lived here for 14 years." "They had 6 children. Their names are - - - - - -. including birthdates, etc." "Nila and AL do NOT drive anymore" etc.

You could put what ever your issues are. It was just a felt covered board that we thumb tack things onto. As issues come up... so does another "posting" !! :) For some reason, if it is in writing, it seems to settle them better. I suppose because it isn't US saying it but an actual "written" thing!? Pictures are good. We "typed" everything out on the computer and printed it out so it was neat, and legible as well as having credibility!! ;) We also posted a copy of her mom's obituary as she is forever wanting to call her mom, etc. It really is a HUGE help.

Nothing completely takes away the frustration and anger that sometimes comes with it. I find myself getting mad at my parents for things that happened in the past. I know I am just working through things myself, but I know they don't understand why. It is not an easy position to be in. Keep you head up and know you are doing the best you know how. You are NOT alone. Even when you don't feel appreciated, know that we here understand what you are going through, and how difficult it is.... we appreciate what you are doing !! Hang tough~

I told the doctor each time we had to deal with moms roaming and getting out of the house she seemed extremely anxious as if she were on a mission to find something. One time after finding her she said she was looking for the parade in a very anxious tone. THE DOCTOR SAID HE COULD HELP US WITH THIS AND PRESCRIBED A VERY LOW DOSE OF CITALOPRAM (CELEXA). I also started giving her MELATONIN (a very natural calmer and sleep aid over the counter from Costco). This all seemed to work like a charm to keep her calmer. Anyway we have since alarmed the doors and placed large signs on them stating ELLEN DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE as well but again we have not had any major incidents since the Celexa and Melatonin. God Bless.

Hi Barb!

I know this is not an easy situation. I guess the best advice would be is to try to have as much patience as you can. This is a terrible disease and it's not anything your mom is trying to do or doing on purpose. I learned this with my mom. It's not easy. Just love her and try to take one day at a time. Nothing lasts forever and we are just passing thru this life. You will see that just loving your mom to the fullest will help and it will also be a comfort when your mom passes away, that you did everything you could and loved her completely. Also forgive her for her past mistakes. I learned from my dad that they are the person they are because of how they were brought up. Maybe your mom didn't have a loving family or her parents weren't warm and loving to her and she thought that was normal. Be the example of love for her. GOD bless you! Let me know how you are doing. Thoughts and prayers for you and your mom. GOD is with you!

Well, all of you are talking my experience too! However, I've KNOWN since I left home, that I would NEVER take my Mom in to live with me, or me her. I could have taken my Dad in, before he was placed in a facility, but I knew if I did, it would be expected that I do the same for my Mom, so I did everything I could but make that offer. My mom has been the same kind of Mom. She only has early dementia right now, but her ability to use her brain has always been limited and she's always be overly obsessive-compulsive, so everything has to be done 'her way' or she just gets nuts to deal with. NOW....I've learned that when she complains about 'everything', I just pick one thing, and say to her, "So what do you think should be done to fix that?" She invariably starts insinuating that if I were any kind of a daughter at all....I would KNOW that this or that is what needs to be done....of course, in exactly her way to the point of even telling me what words to use with the other person. To which I simply say, 'Well why don't you talk to them, or deal with it, or complain about it'....whatever is right. I just nicely say that 'she' should follow up on it. She is learning to shut up at that point. She used to start telling me how 'everyone else' has 'family' who do these things for them, until I started pointing out that I KNEW that this friend or that friend etc, lived alone and their kids lived out of town, so I didn't know who 'everyone else' was, unless she could be specific. I would say, " Well Mom...WHO are they? I'll call and ask them how their kids help, to see what answers they might have?" Of course, there IS no 'EVERYONE ELSE"...it's just her way of trying to manipulate. So after trying to give it back to her, now, most of the time, she just goes on to something else, or if on the phone, she immediately says, "Well, I'm going to let you go now, I have to......" and moves on. I have also had times that, in a nice way, I let her know that she's going to be in one big pickle if I let all this affect my health and something happens to me! I used to 'protect' them, since it's all not their fault, but Mom is so manipulative and always has been, I just think she needs to think about it, since there IS no one else but me....and I am having to back off, because I am also dealing with my husband being the next one I may have to care for, since they are watching him for possible Parkinson's. I HAVE to keep reserves. The only other suggestion for the repetitive behaviors or comments, is diversion....ignore the repetitiveness, but just suggest another activity or lead them to another activity. 'Gee Mom, did you know ????" and change the 'talk' or the 'focus'. My Dad was easy, as he liked to talk and liked the news and had TV programs he enjoyed. My Mom is harder, as her life so routine, and only involves cleaning and shopping and her daily strange routines. She cannot discuss politics or news etc and has no other 'hobbies' or interest. Doesn't watch TV. Likes music. And music is known to be a calming thing for most with dementias. Might be another idea....music in the background, and when there's an old song on she likes, sing with her to refocus. Talk about grandkids and their activities. I actually called my parents friends and asked them to phone my Dad and talk to him more regularly, so he had that diversion. It helped a lot. About all I can think of right now.

Barb!! OH MY GOD! My mom was not the best mom either but I try to believe that she did the best she can. I was no angel when I was 14- 26 years old. My mom took me to court for a pins petition and they sent me to 6 jeuvenile homes in the 70's. It was a horror, I was a horror. I have since then grown so much. I was a professional realtor for 11 years. I started my own 24/7 pet sitting business. I had two beautiful facility's in my home. I got married to a bonafide rock star. My pet business turned into a training, grooming, and all purpose pet business. I had spent hundreds on advertisements and was extremely successful. I was a manager of a very fancy handbag boutique, the manager of the women's department at a department store called Kohls. What I am trying to say is that my mom and my two estranged sisters will not forgive or forget what I did when I was young, no matter how many accomplishments I have made. I call it brain freeze they ALL have brain freeze when it comes to me. They also cannot look at their own faults and how they all had a terrible impact on my life since I was two years old. We were all abandoned abandoned by my father, my sisters were doing their own thing and my mom had to work. I am the baby, the youngest. I am fifty three years old now and I am nobody's scape goat. I also have a mom that puts me down and pushes my buttons at every chance she gets. I too have been begging her to stop treating me like the old bad seed, because I am a grown woman now. It is of no use. As far as requesting her to not speak to me this way or project her crap about me onto other professionals in our life, she still does it. She even berates me in front of my friends. When elders reach a certain age, they WILL NOT change. I have to rise above her and be the bigger person as well and sometimes also leave the room or the house because I need to hug myself and pat myself on the shoulder. You are NOT a terrible daughter, and please have no guilt. I have no quilt whatsoever. I treat my mom very well and I am doing the best that I can. No shame here. Please understand that elders have a hard time loosing their control over their live's and it is so much easier to blame their care giver, ESPECIALLY when it is their child because they CAN and WILL hold onto the past and TRY to make you feel quilty. Do not allow yourself to think this way about yourself. That is her problem in her head, NOT YOURS!! Be proud, hold your head up, do not make excuses for her and just keep doing the best you can with no remorse of your treatment to her. All any of us can do is our best. I remember my mom telling me so often "I did the best I could with what I had" well it may not have been good enough but this is also coming from a Jewish quilt thing and her trying to justify the way she brought me up, or not being their to bring me up at all. I do not know if any of this has strong comparisons to your situation but it sure sounds like it. You are a good person and a good daughter. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different and be proud of yourself. My mom doesn't even have dementia or any brain problems yet and she does this to me, I am already prepared in my head for what is to come.Oceans of empathy and compassion to you from me and good luck and be strong my dear. Joyce

Remove the dog and yourself from her space for short periods Regroup. Get over your anger towards your mother. Treat her the way you would want to be treated if you were in her situation,

:) you are singing to the choir, dear. Dementia is a learning process with all of us too. They stand there with an adult body, but no mind. You have to make end plays with them all the time. Like teasing the dog, just put the dog in a different room, your mom will never listen to you. You have to look at them like a small child and do what you would do for a small child. When you get a chance, take a nap. If I am tired I lose patience. It is a full time job, that you have volunteered to do. No help, usually, no cheering you on . But you are doing a good thing. Don't go on the guilt trip vacation, it makes you less effective. My mom is mostly deaf, so if I say anything, and I do, she can't hear me. Keeping her well fed gives me time to do my work and gives me peace. Blessings on you.

This is so much more aggravating when dealing with an adult than with children who do the same things. With kids, we know they are going to grow up and out of the "bratty-ness"! I am trying to step back if the situation is not dangerous and count to 10. Literally. My husband who is only 56 has AD and he is starting to ask the same question or repeat things or forget to do what he was just asked to do. It is sad and frustrating at the same time. I find myself sounding "snarky" and I hate that. I am trying to find the patience I had when we were raising our girls. Take a deep breath, count to 10 (as many times as you need) and get some help from friends or family so you can get out and do something you want to do. Best of luck to you. We understand this, and know you are doing your best!

All of these responses are so helpful to all of us facing parents with dementia and I thank each and every one of you. It helps to know we are not alone and feel so much guilt. I am an only child and my mother has been extremely needy since my father died 26 years ago. Now she has dementia and wants me around 24-7. I have a great caregiver who offers great respite care, but it's never enough. My mom wants me and no one else. I am 63 retired and just want to enjoy life with my husband after nearly 40 years of working. But it seems my life revolves around making my mother happy.

I feel I'm doing all I can. I do her grocery shopping, all of her bills and finances and take her out to eat once a week and she comes to our house on weekends for dinner. I limit my time because honestly I can't stand the constant repeating. She asks me the same questions over and over. I just answer her and the minute it's out of my mouth, she's asking me again. And again and again. I can't take it. Carrying on any conversation with her is difficult. She won't remember it 5 minutes later. Yesterday she looked at me with those sad eyes and told me she just wanted me to visit and stay longer. More guilt which I don't need. I keep telling her I'm very busy All she does is sit on her couch and stare out the window, usually with no TV or radio on, total silence. No wonder her mind went, mine would too if that's all I did. She never had any friends, so never socailized, never had any hobbies, so all she wants is me. That's why I hired a caregiver

She also refuses assisted living so that's out. I have a POA and I will enforce it if I have to, but I'm waiting, I figure I'll know when the time is right. Mom won't cook, doesn't drive and all she can do for herself is bathe herself and get dressed but that takes up mist of the morning. She gets Meals on Wheels or she would never eat. Half the time she can't even remember IF she ate. So I do the best I can and try not to let the guilt overtake me but it's hard

Hod bless all of you other caregivers out there. So many of you are doing a lot more than I am and I commend you for what you do. We all have our limits and for me, this is all I can do and still have a life with my husband that I deserve.

All of these responses are so helpful to all of us facing parents with dementia and I thank each and every one of you. It helps to know we are not alone and feel so much guilt. I am an only child and my mother has been extremely needy since my father died 26 years ago. Now she has dementia and wants me around 24-7. I have a great caregiver who offers great respite care, but it's never enough. My mom wants me and no one else. I am 63 retired and just want to enjoy life with my husband after nearly 40 years of working. But it seems my life revolves around making my mother happy.

I feel I'm doing all I can. I do her grocery shopping, all of her bills and finances and take her out to eat once a week and she comes to our house on weekends for dinner. I limit my time because honestly I can't stand the constant repeating. She asks me the same questions over and over. I just answer her and the minute it's out of my mouth, she's asking me again. And again and again. I can't take it. Carrying on any conversation with her is difficult. She won't remember it 5 minutes later. Yesterday she looked at me with those sad eyes and told me she just wanted me to visit and stay longer. More guilt which I don't need. I keep telling her I'm very busy All she does is sit on her couch and stare out the window, usually with no TV or radio on, total silence. No wonder her mind went, mine would too if that's all I did. She never had any friends, so never socailized, never had any hobbies, so all she wants is me. That's why I hired a caregiver

She also refuses assisted living so that's out. I have a POA and I will enforce it if I have to, but I'm waiting, I figure I'll know when the time is right. Mom won't cook, doesn't drive and all she can do for herself is bathe herself and get dressed but that takes up mist of the morning. She gets Meals on Wheels or she would never eat. Half the time she can't even remember IF she ate. So I do the best I can and try not to let the guilt overtake me but it's hard

Hod bless all of you other caregivers out there. So many of you are doing a lot more than I am and I commend you for what you do. We all have our limits and for me, this is all I can do and still have a life with my husband that I deserve.

Texarkana....I related to this so much. What you said about grieving twice is spot on. I have already lost my father to Altz, and now my mom has Dementia. It is like having the same bad dream again. My sibs say I am in denial...I disagree. I am in the grieving process. In addition, I have been 2 years retired from a 35 year career as a teacher--I am grieving that also. I am recovering from spinal fusion surgery--there is grief too. Like you, I am going to allow myself to grieve. I am going to be grateful for the good that comes along, and keep going one day at a time. (The Serenity Prayer has become my mantra) Thank you for sharing your story--you have helped me to be determined that there will be a future!

Yes, 39barba, we hear, listen, and empathize! I cannot tell you how many times I've said, I must be a horrible person to become impatient with someone who cannot help what he's doing. We feel bad when frustration, even anger, gets the best of us. When other people are so extremely patient and understanding with my father with dementia, I can't help but compare how I feel with how they sound. But they are not living with him 24/7 and he does not treat them/relate to them as he does me. Friends tell me I'm very patient, so I believe them, even when I don't feel patient. The times I get most frustrated is when Dad won't respond (stand up, sit up). I can coax and encourage and get nothing. When impatience or annoyance rises, I walk away and return in a few minutes. These are times when it's absolutely necessary to have him move. And he isn't moving, not because he forgets how to move as does happen in dementia, but because he plain doesn't want to. He's admitted it. Dementia folks are so infantile in many ways, yet you just can't pick them up and move them as you would a baby or toddler. How I wish I could at times!

So, what's the solution? I've learned to ask for help, occasionally relying on someone like the greeter at church to invite my dad in or the waiter to encourage my dad up from the table. The local fire dept for a lift assist in extreme situations. It's awkward! I play mental games/challenges with myself: what's my lesson in this? What strategy can I try that I haven't yet tried? Sometimes I see Dad as my patient whom I've been entrusted to care for, so that I can help distance myself from the father/daughter relationship. Sometimes I am the daughter needing his help: Dad could you please help me do this? I just have to find something that works. I try to help him be as dignified as possible, yet occasionally I've had to just "push" for his movement because in personal hygiene areas, his standing up/sitting down is crucial. I've basically had to pull him up (against his will) with a gait belt. He has gotten very angry (and I am the little girl upsetting her father) but in some ways the anger snaps him out of that "dementia stupor" in which he's been stuck. My days of serving as his caregiver are limited.

No matter what anyone says, when we feel impatient, frustrated, angry with our loved one in a caregiving situation, we do feel bad about ourselves. Feelings are normal, but it's how we handle them that can do us in. That's why we look for ways to minimize our frustrations. One is talking to others who understand. Another is helping ourselves see varying ways to handle whatever situation we're in. And, finally, knowing when we need a break, a bit more fun, to laugh, see another options in an approach, or simply let someone else handle one evening or one morning so we don't have to be the one in charge at that moment.

We're with you in spirit and online!

You are not an awful daughter. We all go through these stages. I am to the point where I don't have patience with my mother either. The bad thing is that it is leaking to my family. I have no patience with my husband or son and I know it's not them, it is me. I feel like I am just at a standstill in my life. Everyone is living life but me. I know my mother is not sick because she wants to be. It is what it is. She never wanted to be a burden on her kids. I hate feeling this way. Just because she wants to die doesn't mean we should all stop living. My mom has always been our rock in our family. She gave up so much for us kids. I sometimes have to remove myself from the situation to hold my tongue. I miss my spunky, outspoken mom, who was always so cheery. Prayers to all of you out there living this life. God must know we are all strong people to give us this challenge.

Same boat here. For the last 7 years (since my dad died), my mom has been going downhill. I've been trying to change her way of thinking about things, to be more positive, etc. I've finally realized she is beyond being able to change -- it will only get worse. I have started praying every day that God will change me -- change me to be more patient and kind and loving with her. It hasn't happened overnight, but I am slowly starting to change. Things don't bother me quite as much. I have more compassion than I did, and she doesn't get on my nerves quite as much as before. I will continue this prayer everyday and depend on God to get me through this.

As caregivers to someone with Dementia/Alzheimers this is a daily occurence.I wake up everyday wondering what her obsession will be today that tries my patience.I really wish there were an easy solution to this also.I have tried just not talking but listening and just nod my head and take it,sometimes help sometimes not.It seems to me that as the primary caregivers we are just the ones that have to take the verbal abuse.I will say Prayers for you and your situation.Bringing this to this forum I find is very helpful,makes us not feel like monsters!! Keep your chin up!!!

Wow! Barbs, I hope you got some help from the responses to your question because I'm personally grateful to you for posting it. It's uncanny reading so many replies that tell my own life story.

Clearly, there's no fixing this. It's a matter of truly and fully accepting the condition of our dearly demented and just letting that BE. And when it's a parent, with all that history and emotional baggage, I don't have to tell anyone here that it isn't easy.

But, let's face it, the relationship issues aren't going to get resolved at this point. We have to let go of that sort of futile hope and stop letting these nut cases push our buttons.

I'm not trying to evangelize anyone here, but want to share an approach that helps me a lot. I can't change Mom's behavior (although medications do help make her more manageable). But when it gets to the point I feel overwhelmed, I turn my focus within, offer everything I do as service to God, and sometimes sing a comforting hymn (or chant).

Blessings to us all and may we find peace and solace in these trying times.

There's no getting away from the guilt, as you feel you can never do enough but your patience runs bone dry. My mom had five kids with four different fathers (two of the kids were twins). No one knows who my father was and there was never a father type in the house. My oldest sister (useless, there's one in every family) got married when I was 12 and I was left more or less caring for my twin brother & sister who were 9 at the time and baby sister who was 6. Mom was a cocktail waitress and would tell me before she left "I left a chicken on the counter, put in the oven, blah, blah, blah". I WAS 12, all I wanted to do is hang with my 7th grade girlfriends and obsess about boys. Anyway, mom was an alcoholic and I've worried about her and have tried to please her for 53 years. I am now 60 but I remember the day she walked into the house after not coming home for the weekend, I had given her up for dead and was amazed when she walked in the door - I was 7 years old. I ramble, after many excruciating years we got an intervention for mother which really didn't do any good. She went from a narcissist alcoholic to a narcissist dementia person, There was never any pleasing her and her dementia was awful complete with delusions, horrible hallucinogens, multiple trips to ER. We kept her at home with rotating schedules watching her for 6 years and at the beginning of this year had to put her in a group home. Mom died last Saturday and even though there was nothing else on god's green earth we could have done, I feel guilty. What else could I have done I keep asking myself. Please hang in there. I found that agreeing and validating everything she said helped (I found this after years of saying stuff like "No mom, grama is not in the hospital she died 21 years ago, if you're 86 years old grama would be 114, people don't live to be a 114". That goes nowhere. There's no cure for this insidious disease. I always thought alcoholism was the ultimate curse, but it looks like a walk in the park compared to dementia. This experience has opened my eyes to have so much compassion for people just starting this journey and my heart goes out to you. The thing is you don't know what to say because it's progressive and there is no cure. That's such a defeating sentence. You feel so helpless and so matter what she is your mother and you want to help and don't want to see her suffer, God love you.

39barbs, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up. This whole caregiving thing is never easy. Even on good days, you can't completely relax. You're always waiting for the shoe to drop.

My 90 yr old mom has dementia and my 63 yr old brother suffers from a severe head injury. I'm their sole caregiver, with no help from the outside. Mom makes no sense when she speaks and my brother is so aphasic, that he can only put together 3 to 5 words. My days are filled with guessing games of what either of them are talking about. lol

I found one of the best ways to keep myself from completely losing it is to actually ignore their idiosyncrasies. They both have severe OCD. I have learned to accept that neither person will ever be normal. Acceptance is one thing that gets me through the day.

I am with them all day until 9pm, when I shuffle them off to bed. I have an apartment in our basement. That is my getaway. It's my only time to relax. Well, not completely. I have a baby monitor set up in Mom's room; so I'm never completely away from her.

So 39barbs, what you're feeling is absolutely normal. T'would be great if there is somewhere you can go for some personal quiet time. If your mom has a quirky habit she likes to do and it's harmless, leave her to it and find a room for yourself in which to relax a bit.

My mother is on 120 mg morphine a day.This is a lot but she has had her dose steadily increased over a year's time.At this point it's hard for me to tell if her behavior is from the morphine or is it just still her personality and I am just not taking it as well as I was or is it the morphine or her personality and the morphine.Everyday I keep looking for the signs of any mental decline.I also have to consider the possibility of depression mixed in with all the other things that are her behaviors.I also am not Mary Poppins everyday but I get the things done she needs done.Her personality is a mix of narcissism and passive-aggressive we never really had a close relationship.The only thing I have control over is the way I allow this to effect me.Everyday is not always successful and I allow myself to fail but I always know I tried under difficult circumstances.I have only completed 1 yr. now of my mother living with me and I am not the person I was 12 months ago.I still don't know what I am right now,it seems to change from day to day.But I try, and keep moving and I think I have taken more steps forward than backward.The best thing I have learned from everybody on this site is that it is okay to take care of yourself and in fact I would not be doing the right thing if I don't.Although my mother's mind is at this point mostly intact I know as time goes on this won't always be the case and I am already trying to prepare myself for losing her twice.Altz's and other conditions that effect their minds make you go through the grieving process twice,you lose the person they were and then still have to go through losing the actual person.No, I am not the person I was 12 months ago and I grieve for that loss and the way my life was 12 months ago and I am going to let myself grieve.However,good things have happened despite the changes ,it's just I only find them when I look for them.I really do just take one day at a time,just don't have the energy to look to far into the future.But I am determined that there will be a future.

I have to add a positive note: After 12yrs. Of my Mom living with me I have learned a lot.. As the dementia has worsend I know when to keep my mouth shut.. As Gayle said it's a learning process and sometimes I stumble, but I learn from my mistakes and keep on keeping on!

Oh my goodness, you are singing my song. I try so hard to be patient, but after so many, many years of dealing with my dad's aggravating behaviors, my temper has a hair trigger. He has pushed me to my limit so many times, I can't get myself back to where I was before. (I mean mentally and emotionally). I can't make myself be as patient as I used to be.

It's not as if I don't understand the what's going on in my head. I remember well a psychology course that I took in nursing school. The book said that when you do something new (learn to ride a bike, juggle a ball, recite a tongue twister) you are forging new neural pathways in your brain. Like blazing a road through a juggle, it's very hard to do, and very slow going the first time through. Maybe even impossible. But the second time, is quicker, but not by much. By the time you've traveled that trail several thousand times it's paved in concrete and you can drive a NASCAR speedster through at light speed. Every time you are pushed to your limit, till you are nearly in a rage of anger, it happens quicker.

Unfortunately you can't unblaze a trail in a jungle or in your brain, unless you never travel it for a long, long time. Well the chance of a dementia patient's caregiver getting a long long time away from the their aggravation isn't going to happen untill..... well we all know the only thing that's going to end this aggravation. And wishing the misery will end, and what that means, only makes me feel like an even worse person.

Trying to not feel guilty is hard when they do everything to make you feel responsible for how they feel. Just got back from a 2 week vacation and I knew I would 'pay for it". Picked up mom last night and it was terrible. No matter how hard I try to stay away from any subject that might make her start in on me, she always finds a way. My cousins wife had died and I asked her how the family was handling it. Instead of answering about that cousin....she started in "how the family is treating her sister Bonnie so terrible...they had picked her up the day before the funeral and left her setting in the car for an hour and a half while they shopped. Then her daughter in law had grabbed her by the face and said they were sick of doing everything for her....then her daughter had had slammed her against the wall saying the same things. (which I know is not true) Its terrible when you are good to your kids and when you get old they treat you so terrible. I told her she was lucky at least they didn't have her going to a shrink (my moms family doc tried putting her on some depression meds and sent her to a pain management" (it helped until she told him she didn't want to take them anymore and he said he can't make her). Then she started in that she had been thinking that I have to be going home and saying terrible things about her or my husband wouldn't dislike her so much. I'm like, no mom, its because of the way you are behaving right now....not anything I have to say. I don't know how much more I can take...I'm at my wits end too. I could never live with her the way some of you do....I have to give you credit. I have never been a caretaker type and honestly did not plan on having any children. I had a son who is autistic and has always had to have 24 hour care. He lived with me for 19 years and now is in a group home. I see him on a weekly basis but I am exhausted between trying to juggle everything, work full time, and being around so much negativity all the time. Then I have the issue with my husband because he is angry with her.....because she makes me miserable and he is protective. Okay, thanks for listening to my whoas too.

Ditto to all that has been said here. You are not an awful person. If you are, then so am I/we. It is very hard to deal with and every moment of every day I have to take a breath and 'start over'. I start out patient and nice and then I get snappy and impatient. I agree with the comment above to get out as much as you can and find yourself some peaceful moments. Tell yourself you are doing the best you can for your mother. You live and learn and grow everyday with it.