She has a whole arsenal of zingers and emotional triggers to use. Keep telling myself not much longer now, but also keep wondering if I will make it to see her living somewhere else. I know I keep posting pretty much the same thing on here, but I have not one person who knows what this is really like. My counselor is ok, but I need more help. I've started withdrawing from life and that's not me. Unable to work, so I'm going to try to get disability benefits but I think I could actually bounce back if she wasn't here. She can't use me anymore and I need to also stand on my own feet as well. I'm 59 for heaven's sake. But it feels like I'm trying to stand back up with her on my back-the mental weight. Anyway, she has gone back to her ways of accusing me of whispering behind her back with a neighbor who visits us. This neighbor is nice to me and Mom gets so jealous. She does this thing called triangulation. Only I think I'm the only one who sees it.
The ones that matter will see it for what it is and the others, well they don't matter.
I told several people that believed my dads bs that they can have him, lock, stock and barrel, because he doesn't need a piece of crap like me helping him, so please take him since you can do so much better. That shuts them up and not one of them helped in anyway, only repeat his crappy lies.
Hold fast to taking your life back, keep those boundaries and never let her move back in.
You are a good friend! I do hope she will hear what you are saying and implement it in her life.
She must have been raised to be a ‘pleaser’ like I was. It takes awhile to undo that type of brainwashing. Of course her parents won’t be pleased with her decisions. They will only be pleased if they get their way. Here’s the thing though, how many times has she compromised for them? It’s time for them to compromise. I’m sure you are telling your friend these things. Like I said, you are a good friend not to give up on her. Hugs!
I truly appreciate everyone who did not give up on me.
When I gave my Mom a date to vacate-she has gone into a frenzy. Paying someone to do the cleanup work at the 'house' and has been going back and forth over there since last week. I finally decided to throw in the towel with how she is handling that. For the past 2 days she has screwed up her medicine schedule and tonight accused me of trying to make her double her doses and make her sick. Not.
I had one whole day of her being away and it felt good. As soon as she showed back up today-sh*t started all over again. I am sure she is telling everyone I am kicking her out.
This could go a lot smoother I imagine. Coulda woulda shoulda.
I wish I had all the answers that you seek. Has to be so frustrating for you. The best I can tell you is to do what you feel is best. You matter just as much. Moms can’t take over. It destroys us.
Look I did this for over 14 years in my home. It nearly killed me. It put a strain on my marriage and my husband is a very ‘chill’ kind of guy.
For me, it didn’t end well. Mom had to go and it wasn’t peacefully like I truly wanted.
My mom likes to stir the pot. She spoke to my brothers behind my back, spreading lies very convincingly too! The sh** hit the fan over here too! I gave up.
I like peace and harmony but I must admit I lost it. Everyone has a limit. I hit mine. In all honesty, I let it get out of hand and she should have been out of my house long before I asked her to leave with my ‘know it all’ brother!
I kept wanting to control and have things somewhat orderly and civilized. My mom kept blaming me for everything.
Know what kind of advice I got from the forum? Wise advice I might add by smart people, smarter than me because I became so flustered I couldn’t see straight! They told me to LET GO! I had to. These things are beyond our control. We will never get our moms to listen to reason. So, I am going to give you the same advice to let go. I can’t tell you how to deal with your mom. I didn’t even know how to deal with my mom. When I did start setting boundaries the damage had already been done. Know what I mean?
Anyway, we don’t have the power to change anyone, least of all our moms. You know this. Deep down I did too. I wanted to hold on to my hope. Without hope we have nothing but sometimes we have to start with nothing and rebuild. Simply start over. It’s hard. Transitioning times are always hard.
I wish you the very best. Please look out for yourself. Hugs! Your mom will be okay.
ive just read this entire thread and it just breaks my heart to the core.
its mind boggling to me that there are so many like this.....its up to us, our generation, to stop the abuse and insanity.
Read the book, Act Natural, Jennifer Traig. It’s fascinating. It is a historical account of parenting. Not new behavior and in the past it was really bad.
The ‘good old days’ weren’t all that good.
We do see them-WE HEAR-them and we are with you. My life is pretty much yours, but the only thing I want to share is, keep working- someway, some how, please dont go the SS route. Its not what you think. Im 62, only child, mother from hell from day 1, Im broke because of the non stop daughter in me. I have 5 stents and bless that they found the aneurysm before it popped at the base of my aorta.The slap with that was-mine is genetic- FROM HER!
So going thru all that, I made friends in rehab & hospital-Started back in 2010. Im the only one who didnt go SSDI. Karen died first, drs and drugs did her in- over dosing into brain damage. When the scripts ran out, the street drugs got her thru til refills came in. She ended up loosing her apt and moved into housing, there she met more people with nothing to do all day. Nikki -she discovered wine, sitting at a chain restaurant bar during the day. Then beer and wine, then pot, beer, wine, vodka, police, loss of license, she hooked up with some drugged out guy who was drinking and drugging his SSDI check...finally she passed. A neighbor found her, couple days later. Going SSDI gave them way too much time on their hands. Its not good. The same fight that kept me going back to a rotten mother kept me alive. Im now totally done with her. Im broke and fighting my way back now at 62 yrs old. If medically you need to go disability I understand, but DO NOT allow too much empty time in your life, she will find it, sense it, and destroy you from the inside. Just the very idea of her ruining you medically & mentally is a victory for people like this. THEY COME FOR YOUR SOUL and when they see they are winning its all over for you. Your best revenge is living and being happy. Even if she is under your roof put it in her face. YOU cant let her live your life. Go out, dress up-even if you walk thru WalMart alone- let her think she missing something HUGE. Invite friends over do something for you and let her see it. YA, there will be payback-but thats because YOU HIT A NERVE! Enjoy it. Either she lives your life and sets your rules or you do. Look what you have already been thru-You still have YOU, your guts, drive, your life. Get a good look at history and then decide if you was history for future. Let her rot in her own swill. I did and it can be done.
I support you, I hear you, I understand you. YOU ARE NOT WRONG. You just havent crossed into the self worth yet. Come on, here a little push for you. Cross that line and breath. I promise you its better on this side. Take the leap!
Don’t you wonder why, just why? I do all the time. No ‘real’ answers to the tough questions. Sure, we speculate. We have theories but are we ever privileged to know what is deep down in their hearts, even though sometimes it seems like they don’t have a heart or know what’s in that thick skull of theirs.
It’s a mystery! I think I would be afraid to be psychic and be able to read people’s minds. Some things we are better off not knowing because our hearts have been crushed enough.
Then other times I want to know every single detail so I won’t invest any more time or energy into what seems like a futile situation.
Sorry, this answer was absolutely no help to you. Just a rant, venting along with you. Hope you don’t mind. Hugs! I truly hope you find your answers that you seek. In the meantime please vent as much as you need to along with the rest of us.
Take care...
My family has taken a back seat and I know I will not get much assistance from them. So I will rely on the state, volunteers, even friends who have offered. Good luck to all!
Nice thought though. I wanted to be nice. I wanted her to be nice. I wanted the freakin fairytale. Unfortunately, not real life for some of us, well really no one. No one has a ‘fairytale’ life! It doesn’t even have to be, I just wanted mom to be kind, respectful and loving.
May I also suggest that you need other relationships in your life. Co-workers, friends, neighbors, faith-based friends, gym buddies ... being with healthy people to counter your main relationship - your and mom. It may require having somebody else watching mom awhile to get some "me time" but everybody needs this to create health and balance in their life.
Reading all of your "horror stories" makes me hope I will never become negative and mean and demanding when I need more help myself.
For me, it was hell. She had pitted my brother and I against each other all of our lives, and our relationship fizzled, so we will never see each other again.
I'm 63 now, and I'm relieved my mom passed away. I'm cofused a lot about my grieving. I think I grieve for a mom I wish I'd had.
Your mom isn't going to change. Mom's doctor told me to stop visiting her so much. To visit just once a week. That's what I did. She became angry and agressive with the caregivers, but I stood firm on the days I would visit. I didn't abandon her, but I didn't play into her manipulating ways.
Now, I have PTSD, because of the years of hell that she put me through. I guess what I'm trying to say is, keep your distance from your mom.
Adult protective services had to come out to our home once because mom assaulted me and I called the police. The police had to call APS, which was fine, because I'd already been talking to a case worker. They're the ones that advised me to have her admitted to the hospital.
My husband and I went away for a weekend a few times, and mom was so angry that we did. I didn't feel bad about it either. We have to have time with our spouses, or LO, right? Right. You have to reclaim your life. It's a fight, but it's worth it.
So, call APS, DSHS, and get them involved right away. They aren't there to prosecute anyone, and they will help you find a solution for you. I'll never be sorry for getting them involved with my parents.
Depending on the state you live in, there's options for putting your mom in a home. My parents were in an Adult Family Home, which was much better than a nursing home, or ALF. You do have options for getting your mom out of your home.
I hope you can find peace somehow.
Thanks for posting.
Probably I need to take a little break from here and turn my attention to other things. Meaning go walk on the beach or the mall. Yeah, that's it. So maybe if we all collectively go out and live in the moment in the sun or even rain it will be like sending positive vibes to each other to know we are living instead of just surviving. take care and love to all. I will be thinking of you all.
My MIL had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Her mom, horrible woman, told everyone that her daughter didn’t even have cancer. She told everyone that her daughter made it up to get attention! How sick is that?
First of all, my MIL was not vain at all and didn’t do anything for attention. Secondly, she didn’t have to do anything for attention because everyone loved her for being a lovely woman!
Get this, my MIL was an only child and I swear I think her mother was jealous of her, competing with her only daughter instead of caring about her, being interested in her life and so forth. It’s sickening. Who gets jealous of someone with cancer?! That’s how crazy her mom was.
Her mother wrote hate mail to all of us before she died while in the hospital. She had nothing but hatred in her heart. My MIL used to say she hoped to never to become her mom. We all told her that wasn’t possible. She was nothing like her mom.
Foolishly, some of us think if we only treat them they way we want to be treated, teach by good example, they will eventually return love and respect.
Boy, was I wrong! Then our hurt and frustration starts to wound our hearts. It’s really complex for some of us who happen to be ‘deep thinkers’ or the philosophical type. I really think that is what attracted me to my husband.
He is not a deep thinking philosophical type. He is rational, very logical, a problem solver, an engineer. He grounds my ‘run away’ thinking. I know what I appreciate about him.
Often I have been puzzled what he found attractive in me. Because I feel like I must drive him nuts!
So I asked him what attracted him to me in the beginning. He told me that he couldn’t help but notice my blue eyes that drew him in and he loved my sensitivity towards others. In our case opposites did attract and we balance each other.
Sometimes we clash like any other couple. But for the most part we balance each other. We respect each other. We truly love each other and have been there for each other.
I wish he didn’t have such a high stress job. He wishes I didn’t have to deal with family crap. He has family crap but has learned to put it in perspective. Of course he has. He is better at emotional issues than I am. I am working on it though and I will make it.
Ha! Yes, I give my whole heart when I love. It’s who I am. Once though, I dated this drop dead gorgeous guy but he was quite a jerk. When I ended the relationship with him he was upset and said that I was making a mistake and asked for another chance. I told him no more chances and I wasn’t making a mistake.
He then says that I would never be able to ‘forget him.’ He was so vain! I looked at him with amazement and kind of giggled and told him, “Please reign in your ego because very shortly you will be nothing more than a distant memory for me.” I never looked back.
Why is this so hard for some of us to do with family members? It’s so much harder to close the door on a family member and it really shouldn’t be.
Don't know what's really wrong with her, Narc personality disorder, manipulative disorder, who knows? All I know is it had gotten worse as she's aged.
There's 5 of us sibs living. Of course, it was Golden Boy who died and she mourns him incessantly, yet HIS kids have all gone "Black Rock" with her. NO CONTACT whatsoever. She lives another son and complains mightily about him. Doesn't really talk to anyone else in the family. SO SELFISH. It's literally painful.
I just finished my chemotherapy tx for cancer. Did she every call or bother to ask ANYONE in the family how I was doing? Nope. She ACCIDENTALLY called me last week, thinking I was my sister and since her line of ?? made no sense, I said "Mother, did you mean to call T?" Long silence. Yep, she had. So she made some stupid coverup and I said "Mother, I am SO SICK and I really, really don't want to talk to you about your BINGO winnings. I'm fighting for my life and I am sicker than you can imagine. Please don't call again". (I fairness, she has not called me in YEARS AND YEARS, so this call was probably a niece dialing for her).
She didn't have the decency to ask how I am. B/C she doesn't care,
It is beyond any way for me to fathom how she can be so cold so selfish--although this has been 63 years in the making.
Time for a therapy check up. 20 years of therapy, in and out and she is STILL able to get to me. Even tho I never see nor talk to her.
I think I am just beyond terrified that I am going to turn into her. Don't we all feel that way??
In the meantime it’s not working - when you say ‘waiting’ - is that one of those gok when it will happen waiting times? !
If so consider 24/7 respite care until she can move in - that might get the waiting time down.
And no, you can’t do it all - if she wants things done she will have to pay someone else to do things.
Box things up and label them per room.
Have SET times you can visit - then leave - including moving day.
Do things that could help - like meals at home and take them over for her to warm up. Her loss if she doesn’t want it - put it in freezer.
Start by checking out respite places and inform them it’s temporary as she’s waiting for her own apartment .... but see if they can take her in for December onwards.
Then start looking at what you’d like to do in your spare time
all the best
Dont let that be a statement that isn’t followed through.
Look up homes or warden assisted flats and when got a selection you find suitable bring up the topic of leaving December 1st and show her the choices.
Remind her how it’s been hell for her with you and that you are having to agree that you are finding it bad too.
That - lie if necessary- you’ve been advised that this is best since you are in need of help yourself.
Be firm.
Inform family that she will be moving.
if she won’t chose - chose for her.
Go to the places and pick best fit / finance
if she’s not co-operating - explain to them so they are aware.
Organise a date for her to go there as close to your specified date as possible.
Sort out what she’s taking / new doctor etc
Remain firm that her staying is not an option.
Bear in mind that any unpleasant behaviour you only have to contend with till she moves.
Notify family of new residence from what date.
Go with her to new place - stay a while then have a convenient “appointment” to leave for.
Breathe!
Best of luck 👍
AND she is having another place (brother's home-he doesn't live there) being repaired in the meantime, too. She will have pretty much 2 places to live. And she will be living alone.
Both of these places will require hired help to move her belongings to and fro. She is expecting me to do this. She is also expecting me to help her do pretty much all of the planning of this.
My health can only tolerate so much of this moving stuff back and forth. But she sees me doing some things around my yard or house and figures that I owe it to her to do that at my brothers house.
That is her leverage-that it will some day come to me. But the way things are set up now-its impossible. It will most definitely not fall to me. My brother will never be able to live in his house again. But she can. And it triggers too much anxiety in me to be there for very long.
She keeps demanding more and more of me for those reasons. It is a pattern of abuse that needs to stop.
When I stick up for myself by refusing to do what she wants me to do for her-she says 'why do you hate me' I wonder.
It's never fn ending.
She is toxic and demeaning and then expects me to help her. If I don't help her in just the right way...oh well you get it.
I have been pulling back and staying to myself and the result is, a bored narcissist is a dangerous thing. They will stir up trouble anyway they can to get attention.
I confronted my mother many times. It doesn’t do any good. They get mad. She either denied or there was an inaccurate retelling of events.
They take the attitude of how dare we confront them. Must be nice to be so perfect, huh?
My mother was never motivated to move in the right direction. She was too busy scolding me for calling her out. Then going behind my back and stirring up crap with lies. Sometimes it’s just not even worth confronting someone.
Maybe they are embarrassed and can’t face the truth due to pride. It takes humility to admit wrong doing and change.
I had a friend who was severely and emotionally abused when young. She left at 15. Got pregnant. Married the guy. Had another child. She loved this man. He was good to her. He was killed in an accident. He was a bit older than she was.
She remarried but he wasn’t a good man. He severely abused her. She would end up in the ER. She finally left him.
She remarried one more time and he is not physically abusing her but he emotionally abuses her. She’s had it tough. I met her at the gym while she was married to the third husband.
The horrible abuse left her very shaky. A common phrase for her was, “I hate the world and everything and everyone in it.” It broke my heart that she had been so abused.
Once as an adult after many years away from her mom she went home to get answers about her childhood. She grew up in Nebraska where they have cold winters. Her mom would take the blanket of the bed to punish her. She told me many mean things that her mom did. She ended up cutting all ties with her mom. Her dad had divorced her mother when she was young and remarried. Her stepmom was lovely and she considered her stepmom as her mom. Her stepmom treated her with love and respect.
During this trip back home she said her mother denied it all. She never apologized. So she told her mom that she didn’t expect an apology even though it would be nice. She asked her to just admit it. Her mom never would. Some people just won’t do it. They are either vicious or perhaps have a mental illness.
I just had a blow out with her tonight over how bad I'm treating her and she's living in HELL. She's slams off into her room and I told her a good date to move out is December 1st and she says I'm not leaving and you can't make me. So I ask, why do you want to stay in hell? Her answer is that I like all the money I'm getting. I said no, Dec 1st is a good date. She had a hissy fit. Now she is coming up with the energy for another round tomorrow.
She is a very strong willed survivor and knows how to twist me around-if I let her. She also knows how to kick a person when they are down, and I've been way down. oh, her words when I snipped at her tonight were a very dramatic 'GOD, please take me out of this Hell I can't take it anymore' Very dramatic. It's another on of her go-to tools she brings out. Drama. sorry my reply is so long.
She thinks since I'm not working then I should be doing stuff for her as part of the money she gives me. She is able to do a lot of things but tries to bully me into things.
No amount of money is worth all this bullsh*t.
I think, and it's just my thought, we get so conditioned to feel bad about ourselves and how we always come up short-in our Mother's eyes that it takes a while to get back to knowing we were doing all we could and can. Let the others deal with it. It hasn't been that long.
You are absolutely right. We are programmed to see things as our fault. It’s horrible. She erases all of the wonderful things I did for her. Nothing was ever her fault.
It’s an emotional struggle for me. I don’t think she will call. My brother is a bully! She will be submissive to him. She fought me but won’t with him.
He will keep her away from me out of spite. It’s a long, complicated history between us. It’s just sad. Let me just say, with brothers like mine, you’d wish you were an only child. Even my brother’s kids despise their dads.
My mother was a manipulator and an abuser. I have not spoken to her for 8 years this time and 9 another time. The happiest times in my adult life, I will never go back to her. My boundary is set...no contact.
Boundaries don’t always work out. Sometimes people have to get outside help. My daughter had to get a restraining order on her ex boyfriend after he abused her and her little dog.
He kept tormenting her even though she set boundaries. She had no choice but to take him to court to get a restraining order. She won the case! It’s amazing what defense lawyers will argue to defend abusers.