My husband and I have been having this fight for the last three years. His elderly father can't take care of himself yet wants to stay in his home. He can afford to hire live-in help but won't because he wants to leave the money to his grandchildren. Therefore, he expects his adult children to take care of him. All of them work and have their own families. They all take turns bringing him dinner one night a week and the unmarried son moved in with him several months ago. The son now has a girlfriend and wants to be with her over the weekend. The other children decided that when the live-in son decides to leave someone will stay with the Dad over the weekend. I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does. Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
I think it's when people have this "okay if I have to" attitude that the lines get skewed between need vs. obligation vs. love. I'd hate to feel like I am a burden on anyone and if the person caring for me was gritting their teeth every day and feeling resentful then I can honestly say "don't do me any favors" I'd rather pay someone to do it.
I'm not saying that you should whistle happily while you clean your loved ones nether regions. Obviously not................but try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are helping. If you never liked them, let alone loved them then don't do it. Don't be a martyr. Just my opinion.
I think a close family will be able to work through caregiving decisions with little trouble. Actually, JanetPh's in-laws may be doing just that -- hard to know without knowing them. If a family is not close, however, it is too late by the time a parent is elderly to try to assemble a close family. That train left the station when the children were young.
I guess we can say that the children are responsible if they want to be, and if the family is close all of the children will want to be there if possible.
So, you would assume that if someone loves their parents that they would want to take care of them when they need it but we all know what assuming does. I'll never be able to wrap my head around this one. And I certainly won't assume that when I might need them that they will be there for me cause they certainly proved that theory wrong.
I think best case scenario, make your own arrangements, just on the offhand chance that the people who profess to love you decide it's too much to handle when the time comes.
Ps. If you want to message me, I'd be more than happy to talk.
You are absolutely in the right with your answer. Too bad that everyone was not raised this way.
My wife has had als for eight years and I took care of her for the first 5 years but then I had to have help and we as a family decided that we would do it at home. All four of our children pitch in and help out with her care. We have always been a close family and they are all proving it now, and it is out of love and caring not an obligation to them. Some of the grandchildren are also very involved as well. I might add that we are both 85 years old. Thank God for our family.
But you owe it to your husband that he wants to take care of his father. You married for better or worse. When the time comes he passes, you'll want him to take charge then because there may be the possibility of some money due to you both.
I tell my dad and mom both that I'll have to be making these choices for them someday. If you have kids, remember you'll be expecting them to take care of you someday.
Let's keep in mind that not everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Many of us were born into dysfunctional, abusive families. Caring for the parents who caused you misery, pain and severe emotional/physical trauma for most of your life may not be high on the list for some of us. I cared for my parents in their final years because it needed to be done, and because I had compassion for them as human beings - not because I wanted to do it.
And on the topic of expecting my kids to take care of me someday -- that's not going to happen. I am setting a plan in place that will take care of my needs, up to and including placement in a nursing home when the time comes. But it won't be my kids in charge of the arrangements. My children will not be my caregivers.
Thank you for your perspective. I have been thinking about this more and more since my father passed. And now with my mom, I wonder what path my siblings and I will take. I still help where I can but like you said the past does make a difference.
As for myself, I'm like you and I am making plans and hopefully that will alleviate any burden to my family.
I acknowledge there are cultural differences and national traditions for children for parental/elderly care. When there aren't those cultural norms in place, for a parent to just flick a hand and state, "my kids will care for me" without a consideration for the kids' lives and their needs and personal situation is bluntly lazy, selfish, and domineering.
That said, many of us choose to put our lives on hold to care for our parents. Our reasons for doing so are varied: duty, caring, compassion, and love. However, there are many children who care for their parents because there's just no choice such as lack of resources or the mental abuse by the parents that compels the adult child to submit.
There were cases where the only child had died as a young adult, thus his/her parents were left without family care. No one had siblings to help out. Even the parents didn't have siblings except maybe one cousin.
Her half-brother sits her down and says "You've been away all these years; it is now your turn to assume the filial responsibility for the support of our mother." She was offered the option of taking the mother back to America to live with her or sending money every month for support. She left Viet Nam heartbroken, and eventually cut off all connection with her Vietnamese relatives because all the letters contained requests for money.
It will be AL or SNF at that point. As of this writing, both my parents are still able to walk and still have all their marbles. My dad, however, thinks he is getting mild dementia as he has trouble remembering names.
Before you judge everyone who puts a parent into AL or a SNF-
Someone else commented here about "cleaning up a little urine." Yes, that is easy enough. But do a search on this website and you will read MANY horror stories about dementia patients and their obsession with feces, pulling it out of their diapers, smearing it all over themselves and the house, using the furniture as a toilet, etc. Now imagine dealing with that multiple times EVERY DAY.
Or imagine the father who has severe dementia, but still is able to get around just fine and is pretty strong. Imagine him sun-downing every evening and punching and kicking anyone who tries to stop him from leaving the house.
I read a comment on this website from a social worker who went to check on an elderly woman and rang the doorbell multiple times. Finally a very slow moving, 80-ish, stooped woman using a walker answered the door and said, "Sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I was giving Mother a bath!"
Xenajada: "I read a comment on this website from a social worker who went to check on an elderly woman and rang the doorbell multiple times. Finally a very slow moving, 80-ish, stooped woman using a walker answered the door and said, 'Sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I was giving Mother a bath!'"
W O W. This whole scenario is just going to get worse and worse, as everyone is iiving longer and longer.
Yes it is. On the flip side, I do know of people who have an elderly relative living with them and it is working fine. I know some folks who have an elderly mother (70-ish) living in their lovely basement apartment overlooking a pond. The mother is still a decent driver and is frequently out with her friends doing charity work. She is widowed and did not want to live alone and continue maintaining their large house.
I know another couple who have an elderly mother living with them and they are doing fine. The mother is able to get around with a walker and her mind is still good. She is a pleasant person. I think she helps do things like food prep and folding laundry.
People here are talking about impossible conditions, such as parents who have always been abusive -- who never did take care of the children. Or, people have their own health issues, and are simply not physically capable of providing total care for a loved one. Just a couple of examples of what people must contend with.
I still feel resentful in some ways. Years have gone by since I've had a vacation. I feel like life has been on pause for the past six years. I've had to quit my job, pay for their expenses out of pocket, and my own personal life and health has suffered greatly.
So I see both sides to your post. Believe me, what I would give to have a single family member (it's not that they don't care, I just don't have any!) to have helped me through all of the doctor's appointments, meals, cleaning, toenail clipping, etc. It falling on one person is just too much, really. But your husband might have great compassion and love for his father. I would have never guessed that my father, who I felt actually hated me, would turn into a gentle (yet grumpy) giant who needed help like a child would. In my heart, I felt I should help him. And even with the setbacks it caused in my own life, I am glad I did it. I held his hand when he passed. I have no regrets about helping him. So if your husband is adamant about helping his father and actually really wants to, maybe you could compromise with him? Also, if he has supplemental insurance for medicare or medicare replacement plans, they sometimes will offer an aide to come in for free or a nominal fee. I was never able to use that feature because my dad and mom also refused help. Janet, I feel for you. You are not alone. Please keep us updated.
Patty - my father sexually abused me and my siblings from birth onwards, until I told my mother what was happening when I was 10 years old. My mother made us stay together as a family and pretend nothing ever happened, which was like being abused all over again. We were forced to act like we had the perfect American family pretty much until the day he died. I moved in to become my mother's 24/7 caregiver just before he passed away. I was her caregiver until she died a few years later.
Please stop and think before you post. Your words are hurtful and unnecessarily harsh towards those who have sacrificed a LOT to care for the parents who caused them pain and suffering - something many people would never even consider doing.