I really need to prevent my mom's access to the refrigerator for her own health. Is it legal to lock the fridge?

Like someone has already said, get the doctor to sign off on you locking the fridge and the reasons why. Documenting this can be your best friend in that kind of situation. She has diabetes and will eat and eat when not watched. So if APS gets a call, you got proof on why she isn't allowed access to the fridge or pantry when you are at work and the doctor signed off on this. Just like another poster said that people with Prader Willi Syndrome, they have to have food kept under lock and key all the time.

I lost my grandfather to uncontrolled diabetes. His kidneys failed and dialisis is not fun to watch and him going blind wasn't fun either.

We had to only put individual items of cooked food my mother could eat in the refrig.
We could not store other foods because she would get into them either to eat or put her hands into it all and the leave them opened. After she ate raw bacon and company desserts at random that needed to set, I moved all other food into a garage refrig.

I thought of a few little tricks that you might like, and one of them is definitely lock the fridge for the sake of your mom's health! What I would do in your case is to have someone take her somewhere like one of her favorite hangouts that she really likes visiting. This is when you can put the lock on the fridge. Whatever tricks you need to try, I would definitely start by first having her out of the house on that particular day during that particular time that you need to make some changes. Below is a list of different tricks that I thought of:

One good idea that you can do is have a spare fridge in the garage (if you have one) and keep all of the perishable food in there along with her insulin.

Tip:

Having spare appliances in an alternate location will require you to keep that area locked.

* It's not hard to find used appliances at private sales or even a thrift shop at times. You can also run an ad in your local newspaper or even check the current ads for used appliances.

You can also use a spare deep freezer (that's not plugged in) for staples requiring no refrigeration. You can put a lock on spare appliances, and keep healthy snacks for your mom in the main refrigerator that she currently raids. When she realizes that she can't get to anything else but the healthy alternatives, she'll eat those if she's hungry enough.

Another thing I thought of is to look into daytime activities that your mom can participate in such as bingo or other social activities. I know what it's like to be bored and alone, and yes people will start snacking in those conditions even when they're not hungry. Obviously your mom definitely needs more social support than she's getting, or she wouldn't be acting like you're describing. If she was engaged in some kind of activity to actually keep her busy, she wouldn't need those snacks near as bad as she does now. Again, to some point I really do understand what your mom is feeling and what she's going through when it comes to boredom and loneliness.

* If she's home alone with no one to socialize with, there's your problem.

The solution

Perhaps you know someone who lives near you who could come in during the time your mom is alone and sit with her. Remember though, it must be someone you can trust. Perhaps you can make some kind of arrangements with someone, it's really not that hard.

If you put yourself in your mom's shoes, I think you would understand if you tried staying alone with nothing to do for long periods of time. Until you've been there, you really won't understand.

* It really does take someone who's been there to fully understand, so please take it from someone who lives alone and is often bored, and trust me, you too would also find yourself snacking under such conditions. I've been there, I really know what I'm talking about since I've also snacked excessively. I may not be diabetic, but I know what it is to blow right through all the snacks you just brought home just because you're bored and alone. Believe it or not, many people go through this very same thing you're describing, look at the obesity epidemic especially among our youth. Since technology has taken over our society there's less physical activity than there used to be. People don't really exercise as much as they used to because they've become couch potatoes hiding behind a screen. Even all of the TVs and modern homes have tempted people to just plop down and watch a movie, and with that movie comes some kind of snack often one right after the other. This should give you an idea of what society has become. What I have to say gives you a look into today's world and a look back at what we used to be like. We can take back our society one household at a time by incorporating physical activity back into our lives once again. Taking back our society starts with us, because no one will do it for us. Taking back our society starts with our desire to turn it around and actually acting on that desire.

Lost, Utzie50 is correct. Nursing homes have certain number of medicaid beds. Take some time to vist some, few things to look for....first smell test take note of patient staff interaction. If they offer stay for lunch to check out the food. Really look around. Then ask to have mom put on wait list. You can have her on several wait lists so check out as many as you can. Do hope the best for you and mom.

Lost...Re NH or AL...the better NH/ALs must set aside a few rooms for Medicaid recipients. Now this may only be a requirement in the state I live in but perhaps you could check this out in your state.

I agree with freqflyer...have healthy foods she can eat available to her. Maybe put a freezer or fridge with a lock on it in the garage for other items. Locking the fridge just sounds horrible and if she called Adult Protective Services I don't know what their response would be. Do your best to have things she enjoys but are good for her available then when you can be home to supervise meals you can always add from your "garage stash". Also bathing/sores is NOT an option- if you can't get her to do it call an agency or get Medicaid to supply help for you.These "sores" can turn vicious quickly!Good luck this is a tough road!

Compassion, please, to folks suggesting punishment and consequence approaches. Children's brains are developing, which is why it works once they're old enough to connect cause/effect and self-regulate, whereas aging brains are shrinking and losing those skills. I agree with those who say non-impaired folks don't continue to void on themselves no matter their disposition on having raised children in diapers or sit on open pressure sores if they are mentally intact and can move. The fact that she seemed "compliant" and then tapered off sounds like things not making it into long term memory, judgment and awareness deficits, not willful "noncompliance." So "punishing her like you would a child" for voiding will certainly hurt emotionally but for reasons that won't connect long-term; it will make you both feel awful but likely can't change any behavior long-term, just like you've shown her how to login 100 times. The idea of a separate fridge and/or pre-portioned snacks/drinks makes the most sense to address her needs and your concerns. Take n' Toss colored cups and bowls have lids and are excellent for pre-portioning - look on Amazon or kid section at WM, Target, grocery. Maybe try labels for what times she can have them if she still tells time, or a small alarm/timer. Otherwise if she is a binge eater, the cupboards will just be next and she may start wandering for food after that if her mind is that set on it. Please consider though if she has absolutely no funds for memory care or for any in home help whatsoever it really sounds like she qualifies for Medicaid. And if the doctor insists on NH, then he is saying she's not competent for self-care. A lot of people assume they don't qualify for SNAP and Medicaid who actually do qualify and others can make legitimate adjustments (buying a prepaid end of life/burial plan etc) to spend down the bit of savings they may have above the limit. It sounds like you're doing the best day to day you can, and that's hard work. I also get not wanting the NH route if you're unhappy with what you've seen near you. But I also encourage you to re-look at Medicaid and/or some in home support even a neighbor/babysitter type to check on her while you're at work for her health (and yours) for reasons you mention more than just the fridge. In the meantime, some not as expensive as you think internet-connected nanny/surveillance cameras will let you can check on her from your smartphone. See she's off track? Give a call to redirect her. Keep your home phone set to speaker phone so even if it goes to voicemail she'll hear you talking as you "leave a message." This is a tough journey no matter the route you take. You're clearly concerned for her, and she's lucky to have you. Best wishes for both of you.

Watch the "no sugar" stuff--some of it is worse than sugar. Aspartame and Sucralose can cause problems in some people. Plain yogurt (no sweeteners or fruit, not low or non-fat--she needs the fat to digest slowly), nut butters--again read labels and go for the very low sugar ones, which really don't need sweetening.
I would worry if you had someone there with her who told her she couldn't eat what she wanted, she'd take the frustration out on the caregiver. Assisted living or board and care might work as long as they understand healthy eating for a diabetic. Adult day care, with lunch, might work for her too.

Before you lock it, tell her doctor, have her sign a copy of why you are locking the refrigerator (for her own good health), and keep written instructions on the refrigerator. Cover your basis, and if you have an attorney notify him/her too. You are trying to help and not punish, so good for you! My best to your mother's good health while not raiding the frig!

Lostnloopy
I agree, your Mom is showing more than just natural aging signs. It could be diabetic related. If she is eating the wrong things when u are working, she could be showing signs like Dementia. Can't remember if its too much blood sugar, too much insulin or low blood sugar but the can become loopy, for a better word. Seems like your doctor is on board with the nursing facility. Might be time to see if you can get Medicaid and place her somewhere. She then will be monitored and you can go to work knowing she is being taken care of. You can visit often. Your health will eventually suffer. If she is ever hospitalized, that will be the time to place her in a facility.

New2this, what you are discribing is bindge eating disorder and is a real treatible medical problem. Perhaps losts mom has this. Worth a convo with doc about it. Bindge eating disorder makes people eat huge amounts of food like 2 gallons of ice cream at a time. They dont throw up like people with bolemia and they never know when the urge will hit them.

I can relate, LostnLoopy! We have had to lock both our fridge AND freezer (we have an extra one in our laundry room)...my Mom insists on "seeing watcha got for me"...when we told her to please stop going in there, she started to sneak in there at all hours of the night, resulting in food hoarding...she's diabetic & has gotten into things she shouldn't eat...at one point she left the freezer open & all our food started to defrost...lying about it to us made things worse...she gets 3 meals a day, plus snacks in between, so I know she's not hungry....as far as it being legal to lock your fridge, it's your house & you have a right to do as you please, especially if, as in my case, it's for a legitimate reason...best of luck to you.

No money for nh, must work, mom left alone. Set out food for her, lock up the fridge, cook a hot meal when you get home, repeat

Lost, something sounded familiar with the uncontrollable eating/needing the fridge locked. I know someone who was told by a Dr. that he is a "food addict". As in once he starts eating something often times cannot stop until it's all gone. He said he doesn't mean to do it, just kind of zones out and does it, then realizes it and feels very bad afterwards. Said he would stop at a grocery store in the middle of the day doing errands, with plenty in his stomach from breakfasts and lunches, buy something like a 6 pack of cream horns, eat them all. He said after the Dr. told him that he talked with his wife, and started to think about it. Said many times after he found himself standing at the store looking at items like that, realized he was doing it before hand and stopped himself from buying them. It sounded like a long term struggle. I don't know if there was other treatment involved, or something at the root of it, I know his parents were very poor when he was young. Food, especially any type of "treat" was pretty sparse, they had a lot of boys in the family. He said he'd been hungry most of his preteen childhood while parents were young and broke. Something to think about, ask the Doc, or read about maybe? Yes, with the diabetes in mind, guess I'd lock the fridge, and maybe one cabinet with the potentially more dangerous items in it. Don't feel guilty, you are doing the best you can.

Have you applied for Medicaid to cover Assisted Living or Nursing Home Costs? We have my mother in AL - covered by Medicaid as her income is to low to cover the full costs. Look into it - Call your local Human or Social Services and ask to speak to their Adult Programs Supervisor/Medicaid. You should not have to go through all the stress and worries you have at this point. Best wishes on your journey.

Meant to say like you said not mentally impared

No legal reason not to lock fridge. As for the pull up issue, if shes going to act like a child treat her like one. She responded to doctor now you need to step up, if no depends then no computer. Its easy enough to do. I would not put up with that for a minute if the person is like you not mentally impared. She sounds like she knows whats shes doing. I do feel for you. I know you are trying.

Oh I feel for you.... Here is what helped us. We have been taking care of mom for 13 years and finally the vascular dementia got to be too much, even though it is the beginning stage of dementia, her delusions and hallucinations were terrible. Our county has a Senior Mental Health facility, about a year ago I was told while in the ER with her that I should get her evaluated there. But my "feelings" of caregiving would not allow me too. Finally the hallucinations from the Vascular Dementia got too bad and I placed her there for a 7-10 day inpatient evaluation, Medicare pays. It was the best thing we have ever done. They not only helped mom, but they helped us to find a Personal Care Home - That we could afford!!! We tried to find one thru the companies that advertise online but they would send us to ones way out of our budget. Like you, NO money to speak of, but they found a place that would take mom for what she could afford. There are only 5 ladies at the home and they are all buddies, enjoying every minute together. We still have to pay coincidentals, and meds but in the long run it is cheaper than I first thought because she is not running water for 10-20 minutes to wash her hands, forgetting it is on, etc. Utilities and food bills have dropped, weigh all the actual cost you are dealing with, not just the ones you can easily see. Plus she loves it there, treated very well, and is doing great, I am sure the meds are helping her also for that part. There is help out there you just have to dig for it, even for PCHomes thru the CCSP program and Money Follow the Person. Unfortunately our state is out of money for any new Medicaid help except for nursing homes, has been since September, and will be until the new budget is signed, in other words, we can't hold our breath that long because there will be a mad rush for money when it does open again here. Good Luck and don't give up your search, it has taken over a two years to find help for mom but she is happy and it warms our heart....

Only one idea based on my experience. I put a small refrigerator in my walk-in bedroom closet and keep things in there that my Alzheimer's husband doesn't seem to have the ability to control. I also put a keypad lock on the door so he can't get in the closet. We have talked about it and he understands. He doesn't really like it, but we openly discussed it before I set it up and he did not resist. Now he has forgotten that it's there.

My heart goes out to you...you must be worried the entire day while you are trying to work. I have a few ideas ...give her a cooler or a small refrigerator in her room filled will healthy snacks to choose from...i.e. veggies; sugar free yougurt etc...or get a small refrigerator where you can store the foods she shouldn't have...put it in your closet ...lock your bedroom door rather than locking the refrigerator.

You mention that your Mom is bored. There are Senior Centers and Adult Day Programs that are income based. I don't know where you live or I will be glad to look those resources up for you. There are also programs in every state for in home care...call your Area Agency on Aging to find out how to have your Mom assessed. There will likely be a wait list but at least you would know that she will eventually get services. In the meantime, adult day programs and senior centers provide a healthy warm meal, socialization and activities for older adults...hopefully she would be engaged in something other than the TV and food and that would be a better quality of life for her.

By chance was your Mom a veteran or married to a veteran. There is a program for war time veterans and their surviving spouses to assist in paying for care in the older years.

Hope these ideas help! Sandra

Lock the fridge if it makes it easier on you and don't feel guilty for doing what you have to to protect her from herself. I haven't had to do that...yet but I have locked the microwave and taken the knobs off the stove so we don't burn down the house. I also lock all the bedrooms except her because she started moving my personal things from one room to another, losing them and leaving things around for the dog to chew. This protects her, my things and the dog. It also give me piece of mind that I don't have to come home to chewed up things, hunting for lost things and wondering if they were thrown away. Too tired in the evening to deal with that. I would rather spend quality time with mom. Check into some day care places also. If mom is bored maybe you can find one that takes medicaid or maybe look into volunteers (maybe check with churches or senior groups in the area) to sit with her and just chat and keep her company for an hour or two while your gone. Her hygiene might get better if she knows company is coming. good luck

If she is not eligible for Medicaid - why not? She has resources and or insurance then? The idea that you are "stuck" in this situation and there is no way out - is simply not an answer. What will you do when her health worsens - as JessieBelle notes? I would not find this an acceptable way to live, and I hope that you will not continue to do so either. It's not healthy for ANYone in your home!

I'm afraid with the pressure sores and lividity that the time is approaching quickly. Those pressure sores can be the devil to deal with when they grow, open up, or become infected. LostNLoopy, you may want to look around to make a plan for when it happens. Sometimes there is nothing we feel we can do at the moment that will work, but we can always get the ducks lined up for the future. This can include things like having all the legal paperwork done, locating resources or facilities that meet your mother's needs, and figuring out where the money will come from. Having a plan in place can keep us from feeling powerless when facing these strong personalities we are caring for.

So who's she talking to online? I'm just wondering if there are any walking, talking real-life versions of those people in your neighbourhood.

Um. What are you going to do when she can't manage as well as she is currently doing? Will you be able to get help lined up ready for that time?

LostNLoopy, you got answer to whether you can legally lock your refrigerator.

You got a lot more advice than that -- because as caregivers we can empathize with what you are going through and we'd really like to see your life improved.But your attitude that you're "stuck with it" and that there is a "reason" why every suggestion for change won't work means, I think, that you are indeed stuck in the situation. Could you get unstuck? Oh sure, but not with your present attitude and belief system.

That's OK. You are entitled to any outlook on life that you choose. You think your mother did her best and now you can do your best. Your life, your decisions. But I sincerely hope that you can accept your limitations gracefully and NOT go into the black hole of guilt.

LostNLoopy, I read the things with a lot of empathy. You're not the only one who is working with a parent who is hell-bent on self-destruction. There is often no way we can keep them from doing the things that hurt them without destroying our own lives. We can't be there every minute of every day to keep them from eating when they shouldn't. We can only do the best we can do.

It is hard to not try to control what they do when we know that it would be better. But we do have to remember that they are adults and inside feel that they are the same people as they were when they were younger. In some cases if you did things like lock away food, the person could become destructive. I don't know if that would be the case for your mother. There is so much that we just have to play by ear.

I find it better with my bull-headed mother to approach her at her level. If your mother wants treats, buy some of the sugar-free jello snacks or similar things that may satisfy her cravings for sweets without adding a lot of extra sugar.

If nothing works, it is something you can't control and you'll have to make hard choices -- to continue to keep her at home while she goes downhill or to get professional help for her. It worries me that she sits in her chair all day without bathing and with bed sores, but I know you can't make her do what she won't. My greatest concern here is for you. You happiness is being totally consumed, along with all the food in the refrigerator.

It sounds like you and I are about at the same point on this downhill ride. I am personally ready to say "Enough! I have to get my sanity back."

Yes, she cleaned up after five babies, but I'll bet you all wore your diapers and pull-ups when you needed them, because if you didn't, you were spanked...or worse. You want to do the best you can for her, but that should work both ways. She should be doing the best she can for you too, not pissing on your floor because she doesn't care that you have to clean it up afterwards. Her behavior is disrespectful bordering on abusive. You deserve better than that from her.

In your place, I would move her out. If she's actually capable of taking care of herself (except she won't), I'd move her into whatever little senior apartment she could afford on her own income, and I'd tend to her minimum needs at her house. I'd stop preparing nutritious meals altogether for someone who refuses to follow the meal plan and snacks indiscriminately the rest of the time. I'd make sure she took her meds, check her over for injuries and worsening of symptoms, and leave the mess behind me when I walked out the door.

Just a side note, I wish doctors wouldn't use the threat of a nursing home as a "time out" to get a patient to comply. There will be a time when a nursing home is the only high level of care one has, and they will think they did something wrong.

She could manage assisted living, but she wouldn't have the servant that she has in you. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling because I can't imagine putting up with what you're putting up with being healthy for you, either mentally or emotionally.

Your mom has put you in an emotional prison of guilt - I cleaned your diapers so now you clean my urine and feces. The difference is that a child doesn't know any better and had no choice on being brought into the world. Your mom KNOWS better and can DO better and chooses to be non-compliant with her entitled attitude and disrespect for you, her daughter. My heart goes out to you, because you've got quite a burden to carry with your mom. I couldn't do it and wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Thank you for your replies. My mom is not eligible for Medicaid, and I have looked into the facilities in the area, and really, I would not trust her care to such places. She is not intellectually impaired to any great extent. There is some memory loss and technology confounds her. For instance, she cannot remember how to log into her online banking but once logged in has no difficulty reading and understanding the bank statement and she can balance her check book and do that math herself with pencil and paper. She can use a landline phone but not a cell phone or cordless phone. She can use a basic microwave but not the fancier ones with too many buttons and options.

She keeps very odd hours, and due to her diabetes, really needs to be on a regular meal schedule. Without that, and with her raiding the refrigerator all the time, her sugar has been out of control. That leads to fungal infections and UTIs and her refusal to get up and walk enough leads to pressure sores. Her doctor told her that to avoid a nursing home, she has to be on a regular meal schedule and go to sleep around the same time every day and bathe regularly. I have gotten her to bathe regularly by telling her that no, I will not help her log into this or that program until she bathes. Her refusal to use pull ups ... to be honest, a good deal of that is that she doesn't care that someone has to clean up after her. The way she sees it, she changed the diapers and bathed five babies, so one of them can clean up after her now. She actually shorted out her old power chair with urine, and now wants another power chair. I told her if she gets a new one, she has got to wear the pull ups and pads inside them and change the pads as needed, and if she doesn't do that, it will be back to a wheelchair. She can walk, but she has an extraordinarily low pain threshold and walking hurts her arthritic knees so she refuses to do anything but the bare minimum. When I say low pain threshold, her doctor was lancing a skin infection to drain it and she passed out cold, and when she has blood drawn, she gets faint at the pain from the needle prick and someone has to hold her arm or she will jerk away from the needle. This is not something new, she's been that way since I can remember. She has always refused PT because they focus on her walking, which she won't do. She won't take pain killers because she thinks they will damage her liver or kidneys, depending on the pain killer in question. I tried to point out that she is 84 years old, and being with less pain and possibly doing some long term damage might be all right in terms of quality of life. I spoke to her doctor about a PT consult, focusing on helping her with what she needs help with and will actually do ... she has got to be able to stand up and sit down with greater ease, and get in and out of vehicles.

I know that she can do for herself, she simply refuses to in a lot of cases. She can cook, she can wash dishes, she can bathe herself, she can dress herself. After a recent doctor visit in which her doctor mentioned a nursing home, due to her non compliance, she agreed to a regular schedule. So she gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same times every day, and an hour before breakfast she bathes and then I watch her take her meds and I test her sugar and give her the appropriate amount of insulin. So things have improved except for the refusal to wear pull ups other than at bedtime, and the snacking. Her doctor scared her with talk of a nursing home, and she's been far more cooperative since then. Getting her bath ready, doing her laundry,taking care of her meals and meds, and mopping the floor are what I do to assist her. She folds and puts away her own laundry and does her own dishes when I put my foot down about it and tell her I am going to turn off the computer until she takes care of things. While she likes to go out for rides and to get her hair done, and to lunch, she is not really interested in socializing with people her own age. She prefers her online communities from which it is difficult to pry her away for more than a few hours. Until about 8 years ago, she was an avid gardener and belonged to a gardening club, but as her arthritis got worse, she stopped moving around, and once she got online, she got out less and less and has been in a pretty rapid decline since then. She doesn't need constant care or supervision. On good days, about three hours spent with her all told, with a few minutes here and there throughout the day checking on her and reminded her to elevate her legs, mop the floor, fix whatever she's done to mess up her computer, etc. Days she has appointments, a lot longer.

My mother was never "mother of the year" ... always short tempered, always quick to spank or worse. Of her children, I'm the only one who has any tolerance for being around her, carrying on a conversation, taking care of her because my siblings have long memories and do not forgive. My attitude has always been that she did the best she could as a mother, whether that best was dreadful or not, so in good conscience, I should do the best I can for her. Where we live, I am her de facto caretaker and can be held liable for neglect so there is no moving her out to anywhere but a nursing home and she will not hear of that. I'm pretty much stuck with her and trying to make the best of it.