I have been caregiving for 2 years and 6 months. My dad has cancer, he spends most of his day in bed. The chemo pills he took have aged him 10 years and caused memory loss.
I have to either do everything or make sure he's on top of what he does.
I hate every minute of this. I have an anxiety disorder and of all the things I feared would drive it over the edge, this was it. Cancer isn't in our family. And here we are.
I have zero money, which means I have no feeling of control over anything. I have to use his money and not only am I responsible for him, I'm responsible for this house, for making sure he pays the bills, for maintenance of the truck and for the health of the farm stock.
And he's getting worse and I have no idea how I'm not going to do that. I'm already burned out. I have fought being angry at him. I get angry from the stress. I get loud and I throw things. Last July the neighbors called the Sheriff on me because I was so loud. I know they thought I was abusing dad, but I wasn't
I don't like any of this. I'm drowning. My niece used to live with us but she left, and my brothers act like he doesn't even have cancer. For what it is worth dad pretends he doesn't have cancer. Even the tumor that sticks from his rectum, he calls hemorrhoids .
I was not in a good place when this happened. And I'm in a worse place now. I've done everything and at the end of the day I don't feel accomplished I feel angry because I have to start from scratch in the morning.
I walk around enraged , just angry. And have been for most of my life. I told God 10 years ago I needed help. And instead he let me break my back, lose my job and he gave dad cancer.
I'm in a living hell. And yes I know dad is in worse shape. But sometimes I feel like I'll die before he will.
You throwing things and carrying on with a tantrum so loudly that the neighbors call the cops, is in fact abuse. Yes, behaving this way is abuse because your cancer-stricken father is a vulnerable adult and a senior.
I'm sure you know that you're not legally obligated to be a caregiver to your father. In fact, it sounds to me like you are a poor one indeed. So get out of his house. Find your own rent and start paying your own way. Your father can move into assisted living, a nursing home, a hospice facility, or get a live-in caregiver. He has choices. Whatever care you do for him can be done by someone else without the tantrums, screaming, and abuse you're laying on a cancer patient.
When I was a kid my father used to read my sibling and I bedtime stories from this huge kids' storybook that was in our bedroom. Reading your post reminds me of one about a guy who cried and complained day and night about how poor and desperate he was.
He'd heard about a genie who could make him rich without him ever liftng a finger. So he set off. He was drinking from a stream when a fish swam up begged him to remove a huge ruby that was stuck in its throat and was preventing him fron eating. He told the guy he could keep it if he took it out. The guy refused because the genie was going to make him rich without him ever lifting a finger for his own benefit. Further on, he came to a palm tree that was dry and shriveled. A big pot of gold was buried under its roots that was preventing it from growing. All he had to do was dig out that gold, and he'd be rich. He refused because the genie was going to make him rich without him lifting a finger to help himself.
He went on and on across the desert until he was near death with hunger. He cursed God for his wretchedness. An angel heard him and a tree ripened with dates appeared before him. The man lay down on his back under the shade of that tree and begged the dates to fall into his mouth. Then he commanded them. Then he yelled and screamed at them to fall into his mouth.
They did not. The guy starved to death and was swallowed up by the desert sands.
Kind of reminds me of your story. The guy would not lift a finger to help himself. Neither will you. So don't complain.
Do yourself a favor. Reach up and pick some dates for your own sake. No one is going to make your life for you. You have to do it yourself.
"God helps those who help themselves" is NOT a bible quote. In fact, what it says in the bible is "God helps the helpless."
When a person is drowning and no lifeboats come along, faith is often questioned, I know.
It does not help ME to hear how much worse others may have it. Why would it make ME feel better to hear YOU are suffering more than I am? Senseless.
What has helped me in dark periods is antidepressants. Can you call
Your doctor to discuss the situation and your feelings of despair?
Talk therapy doesn't help much, imo, as long as your situation doesn't change. When your head is all muddled up with twisted thoughts, that needs to clear up BEFORE you can think straight and take action. That's where meds come in. They help your thoughts and feelings calm down so you can think straight again.
Not everything has a fix, I know. But at least ask for meds from your PCP so you can feel better emotionally and mentally. You may then start to think of other solutions to this dilemma you're in. And if not, at least you tried.
Wishing you the best of luck.
To many of us you are our hero...........and your loving help here has seen I don't know HOW many through.
I so agree on the anti-depressant as a try, as well. Sometimes only for a while, to make a sort of bridge over tough times. Some of the newer ones are said even to help nerve pain.
Having now a daughter dealing with chronic bad back and hip for some three years I KNOW what depression from chronic pain can do all on its own, without other responsibilities.
This is not nursing home placement, but a temporary solution in order for you to take a much needed break and to figure out where to go from here on out.
I would start with your Office of Aging and get can point you in the right direction on the process.
There are things you can do if you can't get therapy. You can learn mindfulness, meditation, journal, many many self help books out there. Gratitude journals.
Your crying out for help now , by reaching out to us. Which is a great start.
No, the ones who survived were pretty much the strongest bodied ones or the lucky ones who managed to avoid the attention of the gustapo and the SS or the ones who stayed hidden. It wasn't because they found beauty in every day things like a blade of grass.
Please, I'm Jewish and so is my husband and his family lost people in that time. I know you mean well, but this is a very offensive and hurtful thing to say.
I am so sorry to read this, and very worried for you. In difficult life situations, stress and anxiety can build up over time and cause serious depression, and it sounds like this is what you are dealing with. I know, because it happened to me. Please get some help for yourself, with your primary care doctor, or go to the ER if you are feeling like you can't cope with another day. With the right help, you can feel better.
I am also sorry that your father is so ill. Does his doctor think that he is a candidate for hospice care? My younger brother died last year of a very nasty cancer (sarcoma). It came out of nowhere; he had always lived a very healthy lifestyle. His doctors didn't know why he got it; it's very rare, without a genetic cause. He endured every treatment they could come up with, but died 9 months into it. He also couldn't accept that he was coming to the end, and hospice wasn't brought in until the day before he died, which meant that his pain wasn't managed as well as it probably could have been.
I can understand that you feel angry at God. I prayed endlessly that my little brother would be cured. My prayers were not answered, but I still believe. I think that maybe God's presence is shown through the kindness of those around us, like many on this forum.
Please get some professional help for yourself and your dad.
You are depressed, you need to get some help.
I have a disabled back and have tried for 8 years to get disability. I was rejected for the 3rd and final time last week.
I can't abandoned dad, he won't go to a home, we have a mortgage, the house can't be sold anyway, I've looked into it, etc.
I have tried to "help myself" and I note God has not been there. Things just get worse. My entire adult life, from age 19 to today at age 49 I've been in hell. There is no good reason why this had to happen and no good reason why God hasn't helped me. It can't all be my fault.
Caregivers sometimes do end up losing their health and even their own lives.
You cannot continue in this role. I suggest that you go to your GP, make your sense of burnout clear, and see what resources are available. You will be pointed in the right direction so that you can step away from this.
In the meantime, if your brothers live close by, could they do their share? They probably know that he is ill, but if they actually acknowledged it, they would be called upon to help: denial is easier, Make it clear that you can no longer do this. You will be too busy looking for a job, and creating a different life for yourself— that will help with the money issue also.
It's just a perfect storm. Thanks for your comment
A person of faith or not read the serenity prayer.
Grant me the Serenity to change the things that I can.
Accept the things that I can't.
And the knowledge to know the difference.
This really may help your anger, by accepting that some things just can't be changed!
You can't change the fact that you will not have more years with your dad. This is just something that you have to accept.
I hope this helps a little. About a year ago I hit rock bottom of my caregiver burnout. It can actually give you PTSD. It changes your brain chemistry. You are not alone. Many others have been where you are.
As far as your brother, he sounds like my brothers, and there idiots, not worth my time and energy to get myself angry over them. It will only hurt me, so why bother
Mike, please let your family know of a time-line that you plan to stop being caregiver for your Dad. This will give you time to figure out what you will do to put your own life together when you are no longer caregiving. Not everyone is meant to be caregiving, especially if dealing with a history of rage. Caregiving only adds to the stress, as you are well aware. You have given your Dad considerable time as his caregiver. Two and a half years is quite a long time. Hopefully your family can come up with alternate plans for your Dad.
I'm a spiritual person at heart, and am sad to hear you sound like God didn't answer your request for help. Maybe counseling would be helpful for you to talk out what you need in your life and the best plans to get there.
I personally feel that sometimes bad things happen to very good people, and faith in God is what helps folks hang on more calmly and get through it. Not trying to be preachy...
Good luck with figuring all this out.
Much of the anger and rage I've had is because of my situation. And a lot of it is also at hundreds of unanswered prayers over the past 10 years.
Sometimes anger at God is justified.
If you drink alcohol, not in anyway shape or for form do I suspect it with what you said, but if you do please don't, it will make things worse.
Your dad very well could have dementia.
He's lost some memories but when I remind him he quickly fills in the gaps. He's also got a lot on his mind. He has anxiety like I do and ruminate a lot. When you're consumed with anxiety and rumination you have problems focusing.
I drink alcohol once or twice a month. Sometimes it relaxes me.
My dad was never sick his entire life. Then his doctor gives him cancer. His mother died in 2019 at almost 97. She just died of old age. Her dad died at almost 90. I was hoping I'd have time. This came out of nowhere.
And I am just drowning
You well MAY die before he does.
You have taken on more care than you can do, and have exceeded your own limitations.
It is time now to call APS and tell them you cannot go on and don't know where to begin in getting your Dad placed. They will assist you. If you have no funds and have not been paid a fair shared cost of living by your father I would imagine you are without job and without funds, which puts you as a senior somewhat at risk yourself.
Time to get help.
If you feel desperate drive yourself or get yourself transported to the ER. You sound severely depressed. Know that the suicide hotline to get help and talk to someone is 988. They can help you.
It is time to recognize you are not a Saint and no one expects you to martyr yourself upon your father's burning funeral pyre. I have often said that the best place for grown children is 1,000 miles from their family. I think you may have proven the point.
As you can well imagine there are many people out there without family to care for them. They become wards of the state who will get them placed, manage their money for their placement and get them care.
I wish you the best and am so sorry.
I don't see myself as a Saint. I will figure out a way to get some help. It would help if my father saw things as they are. My grandma did, but dad is frightened. Which I understand.
Thanks for your response.