Is it rude to not invite elderly grandmother to granddaughter's wedding?

Your daughter chooses her guest list, not you. As my daughter is choosing her wedding guest list, not me. She's already decided that ANYONE who will potentially cause her or any other guest distress of any kind will not be invited. She's aiming for a lovely day of happiness and joy, not to please my judgmental cousins or perpetually drunk Uncle Tommy. Tell MIL she eloped.

It is too much work for the parents of the bride and have specific roles for the comfort of all of their guests. Grandma needs to make her way by herself as a guest and not a dependent, which means staying overnight

Not inviting grandma who would be a burden to the parents of the bride and the bride herself would only be invitiing her to appease her father, then no. It is not rude. It's sensible.

You're the mother-of-the-bride. You have a right to enjoy your daughter's wedding day and take pride in being the mother-of-the-bride too.

Think about this. Grandma will be insulted if she's not invited. Yet she will not make even the slightest concession to make it easier on everyone involved to have her there. She will not concede and fly but rather thinks her son should drive seven hours one way to get her.

She I'm sure would never dream of hiring a caregiver/companion to travel with her, drive her to the wedding, Help with her needs at the wedding so everyone can enjoy themselves and it doesn't become all about her needs, then take her back to the HOTEL she stays at (and pays for), and finally gets her home.

So unless she's willing to do these things, or ask someone to make these kinds of arrangements for her, don't invite her.

The wedding is outdoors in the fall and 'casual' as you say which I assume to mean it's going to be pretty plain and there isn't going to be the luxury of professional catering and venue staff waiting on and accommodating the wedding guests. Good for your daughter. She'll save a fortune in costs and it will be a good time. It will not be a good time for an 81 year old woman who needs to be cared for. Leave her at home.

A wedding is the bride and groom’s day, no one else’s day. They should do whatever is best for them.

Sometimes it is just easier for a couple to elope, thus avoid all the family drama.

The woman would have to be told that she has to compromise . She does not run the show. She flies or she hires car service to take her back and forth and hires an aide to be with her for the wedding as you are “not going to be available to be the chauffeur and caregiver”.

If you think she will refuse this suggestion and it will start an argument with her , don’t invite her at all .

We had a similar issue with my MIL ( mother in law ). My son had a destination wedding . My MIL’s significant other was invited but not coming due to a health issue . MIL was bringing along a friend instead to stay in her hotel room with her as her “ helper “ . My MIL wanted my hubs to drive round trip 8-10 hours depending on traffic to pick her up and her friend to fly with us . Then DH would have had to do the same 8-10 hour round trip drive to bring the two of them back home . DH told her NO she would have to fly from where she is . So MIL said ok . Then the friend dropped out because she could barely walk. MIL said she could not go because she needed her friend to help dress her . MIL had asked her cousin but the cousin said No . It was October 2021. The cousin was afraid of picking up COVID and missing her own daughter’s wedding that was 3-4 weeks later . I offered to help MIL dress or arrange for an aide to be hired to come to the resort. MIL said NO and she ended up dropping out and not going . She did not want to travel without a companion or be alone in a hotel room .

We were so lucky because the friend that was supposed to come with MIL was 5 feet tall and 300 lbs . Both MIL and her friend did not walk well and the wedding was at a very large resort in Las Vegas . A lot of walking . Both refused using walkers . My MIL was refusing to let us rent wheelchairs ( which we would have had to push ) . We didn’t think they could manage getting on and off scooters . It would have been a nightmare . All I kept thinking was I was going to miss my son’s wedding .

To make matters worse my FIL ( father in law ) and his second wife were also coming . The second wife had dementia . They too were refusing to use scooters or wheelchairs . They did use walkers with seats , so at least they could sit and rest along the way but it would have taken forever for them to get anywhere .

I was going to the hair salon to get my hair done the morning of the wedding . I was going to have to take at least my MIL and the step mother in law with me as they insisted on having their hair done as well , maybe the friend too , idk . Then get them back to the room to dress , get myself dressed then get them to the ceremony. In between also get them a bite to eat for breakfast . I feared missing the ceremony because they are so slooooow . This is why I wanted to rent wheelchairs and scooters .

My MIL was coming the day before the wedding and then going home the next day . My FIL and his wife were staying 5-6 days . They decided to make a vacation out of it as did my husband and I. We would have been stuck chaperoning the entire time because they would have gotten lost in the resort . As well as all the restaurants were a far walk from the hotel towers. The wife with dementia would have been miserable . She complained all the time even before she got dementia . I also feared her getting, lost , overwhelmed and getting disoriented . We feared at anytime one of these 4 people falling . AND we were going to be going back and forth to the airport picking up and dropping off at the airport for their flights on different days . Pushing them up into a minivan . Sheez.

FIL and his wife dropped out as well a week before , saying it would be too hard to travel . Then a few days after they said they weren’t coming the wife ended up in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia . That could have easily happened while on the trip . We dodged a bullet .

My mom and my MIL absolutely ruined for me an event for my daughter (big deal like a wedding). It put a lot of stress and strain on me to get them where they needed to be.

Buy a webcam and she can watch it on the computer.

My son had a destination wedding. My father had the good sense to realize this would not have been something he enjoyed so declined. And if he wanted to go I would have done everything in my power to have talked him out of it as I was not going to be his babysitter. I deserved to enjoy the day too. Even the local party my father did not attend because we would have needed to hire someone to watch him. I did not invite my father to my kids' graduations because I didn't think he could manage it. He was invited to the dinner afterwards.

Years ago I attended a graduation party for a relative of my husband. The neighbor lady was there as her son had graduated too. She told everyone that she brought her mother to the graduation but mom got uncomfortable and demanded to go home before the ceremony started. By the time she got back she missed her son graduating. This left a lasting impression on me. I was never going to allow my father to keep me from important life events just to spare his feelings. I mattered too and I deserved to enjoy these special moments.

Let her be insulted! And if she complains, your husband can be the one to tell her that it isn't her big day and you both want to enjoy your daughter's wedding day.

In my former state, you can legally marry with only the bride, groom and officiant present. No witnesses. No drunk grandpa, no wacko uncle, no ditsy aunt, no sick granny with her clothes on backwards.

I'm amazed that more people don't take advantage of that. Vows are sacred between the bride and the groom anyway. They don't need a whole slew of weirdos there to complicate things. Numerous congratulatory parties with various compatible groups can be held later.