I have no $$ responsibilities but I also have no $$ for my own future. No help from siblings. They balk at the idea me getting paid. $1K/ month brought up, then reneged. Retroactive seems excessive (2 years full time in August). I've only had a grand total of 12 (24 hr) days off....
Because many of caregiving jobs are that long.
So, first you have to realize yourself how much time, effort you put into it. And respect yourself and let others i.e, your siblings know all the efforts and sacrifices you make.
How can you do it without thinking about your future I have no idea. Because you have to think of yourself first. Save for future, put money towards your pension.
Are you female and siblings are males who still think of caregiving as women’s work? Or they try to protect inheritance because they think they deserve equal share? The money is Dad’s for his care first and foremost.
Start with respecting what you do and how much you do.
Retroactive pay is not possible, but if you live with Dad maybe free room and board in lieu of compensation for those two years would suffice? Learn art of negotiation by presenting facts, if you cook, clean, take Dad to appointments find out what that cost around you if you hired somebody. Also, what is the cost of respite care? Simple samples: cleaning $100 per week, meals or grocery shopping $70, taking to appointments starts at $100 depending on time required.
Respite care at facility starts at $250 per day.
I would say $1000 a week is fair for 40 hours per week and you need to negotiate as 12 days off in almost 2 years is not acceptable by any standards.
Have you talked to your dad about paying you for caring for him daily? Do you live with him? How old is your dad? Who takes your dad to his doctor appointments? Who picks up his prescriptions & pays them? Who does the laundry? Who changes the bed sheets? Who cooks the meals? Who cleans the house? Who tends to the front & back yard? What about the grocery shopping? Who handles and pay the bills? Where is your mother?
Being a caregiver is a big responsibility. I was my mom’s caregiver for 4 ½ years. I took care of everything. Are you sure you are willing to put your life to the side to be your dad’s caregiver. There is a lot to consider on being a caregiver. It’s the hardest job you will ever do in your lifetime. Think about all this.
If dad is cognizant why are your siblings the ones to determine if you get paid or not.? That should be dad's decision.
Begin looking for a place to live. Get a job lined up.
Once you have that give "notice" that as of xx/xx/2023 you are "quitting" your job.
If you do get paid then forget what happened in the past. You need to have a caregiver agreement. Legitimate hours, there needs to be at least 1 more caregiver and you can not work 24/7. You need to pay taxes on what you earn. This will hep you later as that will count towards your Medicare and Social Security when you doo retire. Check the going rate for caregivers in your area and you should make at least what the average hourly rate is for what you do.
As to caring for your dad, having no job as a result, we on Forum often see people at the end of such an arrangement, having lost everything.
They have no physical or mental health, no job or job history, no place to live as they were living with the parents, and that home has gone to medicaid clawback when finally the parent had to go into care.
I will tell you that what you are doing is a miserable job description.
I would sit down now with family. I would not ask for PAY as this really would result in your parent having to prove they weren't gifting should they need to apply in near future for medicaid and care placement. I would ask for shared living costs. And you can divide that out your help, your driving them, your cooking and cleaning, shared costs of mortgage and utility costs if they are with you and etc. I would tell the family that you will either GET this or you are sorry but parent will have to go into care within the next six months. That you are resigning and will have to return to work. No meanness, no complaining, just the simple facts. Again, NO ARGUMENT. This is a statement.
The costs of dad being in care will be a lot. But you will be getting on with your life. As you SHOULD be. It is your ONE life and you should be living it.
Tell the family that they have a month to consider, then you will meet and get their decision and begin your plans accordingly.
If their choice is that you continue in care you all go directly to an elder law attorney to MAKE A CONTRACT. This will include costs of respite care, which you will NOW start to research for four weeks a year off. Costs of respite care will come from your Dad's social security and will be paid by the POA out of his S.S. funds.
Good luck. Hope you get back to us on your own choices for your own life. I wish you the very best.
Caring for an elderly adult is nowhere near like taking care of a kid. A baby doesn't cuss you out and fight you when it's bath time. You can't lift and carry, multiple times a day/night, an adult like one would a child. You can’t sit an elderly person in a shopping cart at the grocery store or bring them along for errands while they nap. Kids grow and become more self-sufficient. A kid will grow up and leave home. But an elderly parent will not get better or any easier to care for as time goes on.
Not every adult child is able to quit work, abandon their own families, and care for a parent 24/7 or hire aides. It doesn't take long to find posts from people on here who quit their jobs, uprooted their lives, only to find themselves broke in their own old age. It doesn't mean the adult child is ungrateful or mean.
No one asked to be born. Even if one didn't intend to have kids, they at some point chose to keep and raise them. To put an adult kid in the position of "I birthed and raised you, so YOU OWE ME UNTIL I DIE” or “I clothed and fed you for 18 years without being paid for it, so now you have to care for me as payback” is unfair and selfish. Too many parents consider their kids to be their retirement plan because they feel entitled. Kids shouldn't be born with a job of being the future caregiver. Or shamed when they simply cannot be a 24/7 caregiver when they have their own kids and jobs or health issues.
It's fine if an adult child wants to take on the task of caregiving. More power to them. But it's not okay to use one of the oldest guilt tactics in the book.
Now are you willing to do something about it? Or did you just want some validation?
You SHOULD be paid!
IMO, the best option would be for you to get a job outside the home and build for your own future.
However, every situation is unique: in my situation, my sibs didn't think I was entitled to compensation since I was living with my mom 'rent-free'. They assumed I'd lived frivolously and imprudently, which was a false assumption. Sadly, my husband had gone off the deep end physically and mentally, and drained us financially, unknown to me. Because of the shame, I never told them the details of our relationship ending.
To complicate things, my mom had the financial resources, but it never occurred to her that simply having a roof over my head didn't allow me to buy groceries, pay for car insurance, gas, medical insurance, etc.
My mom was 91 and had no idea about cost of anything, since she never had worked or lived on her own; my dad had a few good, long careers and invested well.
I couldn't bring myself to beg my sisters or my mom. Eventually I took what little savings I had and moved to a less expensive state (after 50 years in the same state). I barely survived on my savings until I was eligible for SS and Medicare.
Long reply, but again: Everyone's situation is the same, but also unique.
Do you have 35 years of solid SS W-2s?
Do you have sufficient funds in tax-advantaged retirements account to sustain a healthy lifestyle after your mother dies?
Do you have a solid pension from previous employment t?
Will you have a place to live after mom dies? Don't count on he home, which may get clawed back via Medicaid?
Also ask yourself: are you bolstering your siblings inheritance by caring for mom and doing it for free?
Welcome to the forum.
Of course, you aren’t wrong to wish to be compensated for your work in caregiving for your father.
I am sorry that you are doing all of the ‘hands on’ care alone. You’re not alone in this.
Many caregivers do not receive help from their siblings. In an ideal world everyone would do their share but often times this isn’t possible due to various circumstances.
You should be concerned about your own financial future. Do not lose focus on what this means for you in the long run.
How much longer are you planning to continue caring for your father and neglecting your own welfare?
Have you considered placing your dad in a facility where he will have his needs met and you will be free to seek a job that will allow you to earn income to support your own life?
Best wishes to you and your father.