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Ellamo - Have you and your husband ever lived together? It may seem like a weird question, but I thought you wrote in one your responses something about him coming to your home and not our home. How long have you been married?

Good luck
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ellamo Oct 2023
We haven't been able to live together because of his parents, though we've talked about him getting citizenship here since day 1. I've "lived" with him and his parents tho for a month or two at a time, but that's not our home. & We've been married 3 years
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You should not have married this man. He has already got the family he wants/the family he intends to support.

The baby bird grows and leaves the nest.
If the baby bird DOESN'T leave the nest when it is grown, then that baby bird is not ready to raise it's own family.

You don't have an inlaw problem.
You have a husband problem.

We cannot change others. We can only change our own choices. I think you will be very unhappy if you persist in unrealistic expectations of this man. It is said of broken marriages that the couple ALREADY KNEW what would break the marriage on the day they married. I have found this to be true, personally.

I wish you luck in your own choices. You already know things; you have choices to make that none of us can really assist you in.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2023
Too late Alva, they're already married: "My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries....."
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How can your marriage be strong WHEN HE IS NEVER THERE? Of course it’s not as strong as he thought because what he thought is delusional.
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Ellamo, you are NOT wrong to be angry. Your husband's expectations of you are unreasonable.

There is a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud that might be useful for you and your husband to read.

He needs to get in touch with social services in their country and find out how destitute elders are cared for there.

Did your husband grow up in a culture in which parents legitimately think of their children as their retirement plan? If so, then he had no right to marry someone who didn't anticipate a life of servitude and self-abnegation.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2023
@Barb

The parents are probably in on the scam to get their married off to an American, Canadian, or Western European spouse.
This way they can also benefit from the meal-ticket status.
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The problem here isn't your in-laws fake "emergencies" that pop up every time your husband is supposed to come visit you.
Granted, old people pull the fake "emergencies", the "staged" falls, and the fabricated "crises" all the time as a tool to control and manipulate the people in their lives. It's also a common practice to get attention.

There does come a time when even the people who love them the most say enough already.

The fact that your husband isn't telling his parents enough already and returning to his rightful place with you his wife, is what I'd be worried about.

His parents can be put into a care home. Such places do exist all over the world. You say they've got nurses coming and they have a house so I'm going to assume that they're not living in the third-world.

My friend, I don't want to be the one to tell you what I think you probably already know and if you don't then you probably have some suspicions.

Your husband is using his parents and the 24/7 caregiving he has to do for them as an excuse not to return home.
My guess would be he probably has another woman in the country he's living in.

I think it's time for you to take a little trip and see for yourself just how bad off your in-laws are and how much caregiving they actually need. Make it a surprise visit.

Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2023
Interesting, I usually suspect the money, not the bit on the side. But he’s been away a long time to do with the conjugal stuff, so perhaps you are right!
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So does he have no siblings or no siblings who will help out? Why won’t your husband come home? For real.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2023
@Southernwaver

What reason would come to your mind for why the husband won't come home?

I know what I'm thinking.
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Well, of course I agree 100% with the other commenters here, but let me offer something else:

Do a 180. You KNOW by now that nagging, recriminating, railing, accusing (all quite justified!) is just…NOT working on this guy. And he has had the GALL to begin to question the marriage? Oh, sheesh! YOU are the one who ought to be questioning it.

But back to the 180. Do a turnaround. Be calm and neutral on the phone, don’t argue…just basically say, “mmm-hmmm, yes,I see…” and get off the line after a few polite sentences. Distance yourself emotionally. Let him SEE that you are just…over all the quibbling about it. Don’t call him, and maybe don’t answer his calls for a day or two. When he does get in touch, just say, “oh, I assumed you were busy with them.”

If he wants you two to stay married, he will sense your distancing, and make an effort to get his priorities straight. If not, well…call a lawyer. This would be a deal-breaker for me, frankly.
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Southernwaver Oct 2023
Yes, this entire situation is a giant bunch of BS
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You say, "He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night." Is his idea of a "strong marriage" one where the hubby is gone to another country all the time, caring for super manipulative elderly parents, and leaving his wife alone to care for herself? Because if so, he's putting the blame for this ridiculous situation on YOU, where it does not belong. Passive-aggressive manipulation of YOU is not going to solve this dilemma. Only HIS adult handling of the matter will.

Best of luck to you.
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ellamo Oct 2023
Trying to balance marital and caregiver responsibilities has been a real struggle for him. However tho you're right. I think I was harsh with the way I said things last night but I don't think I was totally in the wrong with how I feel. I don't know how to tell him that in a gentle, constructive way or how to help him through this.
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Welcome, Ellamo!

It doesn't seem as though your husband is a free agent, does it?

When you guys got married, did you both understand that he was bound by culture/obligation to return to his parents' country to care for them?

How can a marriage be "strong" when one of the parties is more committed to parents and not to his wife?

Was this expected care of them discussed by you two before you married?
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ellamo Oct 2023
I understood that his parents need him and they're health is only getting worse, but I didn't realize he would almost never be able to come to my home anymore. And I didn't realize it would get to the point that he is their servant & give in to their every request/demand.

I don't know what to do, it feels wrong and unfair to make him choose between me & his parents which is why I've let things go until last night
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Where is this other country - on the moon? They don't have one single assisted living facility anywhere in that whole country? Sorry, but it was ridiculous for him to completely abandon his spouse and travel to a whole other nation just to take care of his parents. Quite frankly, they sound pretty selfish that they don't seem to have any problem with their son abandoning his wife. They need to find local help, and if they don't like that, well, that's not your problem.

Sorry, but I think it's time for an ultimatum.
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ellamo Oct 2023
I agree.. I think they've made it very difficult to find & accept help other than my husband. I understand he's stuck right now & he has a really hard time putting his foot down with them, but at the same time it's kinda like "people are treated the way they allow themselves to be treated" situation.
I don't know how to help him put up solid boundaries with them & explain to him in a kind way that our life together should be priority.
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