Hi, so I guess to start I just turned 16. I've been taking care of my dad who is paralyzed for about 6 years. My mom left us and all the responsibility went to me. I have two younger siblings and then two toddler nephews I take care of. I don't have any friends, I take an online school that I failed, and am currently failing. Every time I talk about getting a job and saving money to move out I choke up because I don't want to pass this down to my sister who is only 13. A typical day goes like this. I wake up at 5:30 am to go to my morning job, then I come home around 8 am and help my dad with his online business and make the family breakfast. After that I try and do school from 8 am to 12 pm but usually get interrupted to help my dad. After I fail school I usually start dinner around 4 pm and then go to bed around 9 pm. I'm constantly helping them and never myself. I have serious problems with eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. I also have trouble sleeping. But I'm so gosh darn busy and I hate bothering anybody. He has a caregiver, but they don't really help and they are only here for a few hours. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I can't really go to my dad or anything because he'll get angry, and say to just live with my mom or compare how sucky he had it growing up (he didn't ) And then I feel bad. I don't know what to do. I want to leave and never look back, but I also don't want my little sister to know what it's like.
Do make that phone call soon if you have not already.
I just read your most recent posts because I have been busy dealing with my caregiving journey and haven’t been online. Your post about Mother’s Day made me tear up because I feel for you, and you’re so absolutely right in all you say and how you feel about the whole situation: You, my sweet girl, are a mother of too many! including your parents. A mom without recognition.
Thankfully your last post about making the decision to call anonymously made me take a deep breath of relief and say: YES!!! Good for you!!
Let me tell you Ana, there is a ZERO chance that the phone call will cause any damage to your family. And it is NOT betraying your dad, it’s actually all the opposite, although it might not seem like it, but one cannot betray anyone by looking for help for you and for them.
What you will obtain is simply information, and information will always empower you Ana!
After you make that call, first you might feel guilty because it is something important that you are doing without consulting your dad, but trust us, it is for his own good and the good of all your family.
I promise no one here (and there are a lot of people commenting on this thread) is trying to misguide you. We are trying to give you tools so you can take steps to change an unbearable situation and to build in you the courage you need to help yourself and your family.
I’ll be praying for you Ana! and please trust that God listens, He truly does, always! And He has been helping you all along, if he wasn’t you could not possibly be the mature, considerate, responsible and good hearted young woman you are. Remember we all can go through the same situation but be affected very differently. I assure you that your strength, courage, patience and willingness to sacrifice yourself for others did not come from any place other than God’s heart and God’s love acting in your life Ana! He will also guide you through your journey ahead, starting with the phone call you’ll make. Believe that, because it is true :)
May He bless you, protect you, enlighten you and guide you and us as we provide advice to you!
On my bus route home from my morning job, I go by a school - one I could easily go and talk to their counselor. I was gonna do it Monday. I was also gonna call somewhere anonymous while I was out.
Today, I was told by my "boss" that she had to let me go, and she couldn't pay me.
So, not only do I have no where to go now, I have no money. I'm gonna look around for openings around my house and hope to get an official job soon.
There's so much going on, and I can't keep up with it all.
I'm falling behind in school again, and my grades are slipping. I can't even get a straight answer from my adviosry teacher about summer school.
I talked to my dad about it, he suggested doing a summer program - but they don't give you any credits. I told him that I HAD to get credits, in order to hopefully graduate on time. He said something really hurtful, "It's not my problem". I was a bit shocked, I responded with a masked chuckle and said that true, it wasn't his - but it was my problem. He proceed to just give me a simple yeah and continue talking about the program that doesn't offer credit.
I literally have no say, I'm afraid that I won't graduate. It's stressing me out to the max. I have no weekends off, I don't take a spring break. None of my work pays off.
Sorry this was such a downer post, I just have a lot to vent - and no one to vent to. So thank you all for listening.
Thank you for your kind messages, I'll also try to keep you all updated more.
Ana
how did this *prevent* you from turning into the school and speaking to a counsellor?
I'll tell you. Because you jumped ahead to asking yourself how you were going to earn your living, find somewhere to live, get to school, graduate, get away and live your entire life, all at once, and it was too difficult.
Stop trying to change everything at once all by yourself. We're urging you to take the first, one step.
Have you ever heard the term " emancipated minor"? Google it.
Perhaps you AND your sister? Has she indicated that she can't care for you?
Here are some statements that Ana has shared about her mother that may answer why she does not go live with her.
"My mom left us and all the responsibility went to me."
(Most women take their children with them when they leave their husband. )
"My mother isn't a very reliable resource, she has a job from 2 pm to 11pm, and she's a heavy drinker with a few boyfriends on the side."
Ana was ten years old when her father first suffered disability and the marriage fell apart. We have no idea what was going on or why Ana's mother made the choices she did or what impact the events may have had on any of the individuals involved.
Let's stick to where Ana might go with the resources she's got in hand.
Come and vent anytime, we are here for support. It's good to hear from you, and I'm sorry for all the stress you've been under.
Can you take the bus back over there by that school (or even another school if there's one close by) and go in and talk to someone? Barb had a good point about calling and making an appointment time, that way you're sure to catch someone in the office.
Like you mentioned, you can also make the phone call while you're out.
I know all of this feels overwhelming, but just take things one step at a time. The call is the first, most important step because that can open doors for other kinds of help for you, like with school, help for your family, etc.
You're not alone, and you don't have to do this all alone.
Hugs to you, let us know how it goes.
I’m assuming the problem about losing your job (beside the obvious economical impact) is that now you have no excuse to leave your house?
If I’m correct, then maybe delay sharing with your dad that you lost your job and go next week, early next week, and find a quiet place to make the anonymous phone call you were going to make. That I think is the most appropriate first step in your situation. It is anonymous and you won’t have to talk to anybody in person, just collect information.
If you already told your dad that you lost your job then just find another excuse to leave the house for a while...but do it Ana!!
In your situation procrastination has serious consequences, and you and your dad and the rest of your family are suffering them daily.
Once you take the fist step you will feel relieved! Probably nervous too, and like I mentioned before you might feel guilty as well, but please fight those feelings and convince yourself of the truth: There is NOTHING to feel,guilty about, and there is NOTHING wrong with making the phone call.
Find the courage Ana! That’s way more important than losing or getting a new job now.
Praying for you!!! And trusting you’ll find the will and the way!!!
You are getting so much advice. I bet it is quite overwhelming. Take a deep breath and think for a moment what does Ana truly want.
Do you just want a place to vent, where people listen and care?
or, Do you seek advice for how to make your situation better?
Or, Do you want help getting out of your situation?
Or, Do you want encouragement and strength to endure and just get through your situation?
Truly what is Ana wanting?
this is not all there is to life.
You are loved Ana
I am praying for you, and God does hear you. Sometimes when we think HE is not listening, HE has something in the works for us. All things work together for good to them that love the Lord.
Hang in there.
👩🎓--And this will be you soon enough.
It will all be okay in the end...and if it isn't okay...then it isn't the end.
Hugs and best wishes.
I am feeling badly because I wrote that last post after just reading your first post. There is a lot of information between your first post and here. In any case, I agree you need a summer job, mainly because you need to get some Ana time and resources. You don't need to discuss your college plans with your dad. You will be of age and your younger sister will be old enough to take over. It is normal and natural for you to have a job, move out and go to junior college when you graduate. And even if you don't graduate on time, it would still be normal and natural to move out and have a job, finish your high school or, depending on your state, possibly test out of high school when you reach 18. Your family will get over it...your sister will learn to appreciate you a lot then, when she realizes the load you have carried for all these years. And I realize how impossible it is to get siblings to help you without abandoning and pushing them into your position, but the caregiver is paid to help, so think of everything possible that you can list for the caregiver and make sure they do it. If they don't do it to your dad's satisfaction, stick up for yourself and tell them exactly how your dad needs it done. They are paid to do so. The caregiver's is an agency that can be worked with to get you some respite without risking anything of your family situation. And during school, if you have a laptop, I think the suggestion someone made of a McDonald's or Starbucks is a seriously good one for several hours daily while the caregiver is there. Wishing you a good weekend...
Some of your problems may be too hard to change, but some of them are because other people are making unreasonable requests. Sort out which are which, and say no whenever you can. You can’t jump to help your Dad run a business (‘the orders are piling up’?), as well as all the rest of it. Buy some earplugs and close the door, so that you don’t hear every call. It’s cheap and simple.
Regarding school, the advice is good, but don’t feel desperate if it doesn’t happen. Check out the GED option. Most places have a system to fast-track bright young people who have missed out on school for some reason, with special entrance to higher education. I’ve read every post, and I just found your first spelling error… you will get that education!
In fact, don’t feel desperate about ANYTHING. Trust in your own strength, work out which bits of advice you can use, and start one thing at a time. Love and good wishes, Margaret
I'm doing a lot better today. I had a talk with my dad about schooling, and how I seriously need to graduate. Not just for resumes, applications, but for myself. It would make me really proud - to know I was able to pull it off through the midst of everything. We looked into a different program of schooling. It isn't online, but I would still get credits, the few I have now could roll over into it and the school is year round if I want. So, I could totally catch up during the summer. It's about a thousand a year, and that's why I was so reluctant in the past to ask. But I have to do it. My dad said he's willing to pay if that's what it takes for me to graduate. He also told me that he was proud. Which is something I haven't heard in years? He told me he was proud of me, how hard I work, and try. It meant a lot, coming from him. I've always wanted to please him, I felt as if I owed it to him. While, I do. I shouldn't have made that my whole life for so long. I shouldn't have held back for so many years. I wasted nearly three years of being a teenager, cleaning wounds and picking up after everybody but myself. I wasted so long, with a "routine" that was literally from sun up to sun down - the same thing over and over. While, I should've been out there. Pleasing myself. Taking care of myself. Doing things, for myself.
I have a lot to think about. I'm still going to call and see what I can do. I'll also talk to my dad's caregiver and try to work something out. I'll try to get through this year strong and work hard. Next year, I'm gonna try to do things differently as well. Putting my foot down.
I'm looking for a job now, hoping to make money so I can move ASAP. How much money would be enough to move and be able to survive? I was thinking about 5,000? I have no clue though.
Thank you all,
Ana.
So excited to hear the news about the school program, that is great! You can do this, you do owe it to yourself to graduate, and I'm glad to see you standing up for and taking care of yourself, that is so important for you and your wellbeing.
You are an amazing young lady. I know it must have felt great to hear that from your father also, how proud he is of you.
I think definitely your next step should be to make the call to the helpline and see if they can get some help for you and your family so you can concentrate hard on your studies. You'll need the time to devote to your classwork. Also talking to the caregiver will help.
Another resource I came across that might have some good help and information is the American Association of Caregiving Youth. Their toll free number is 800-508-9618.
I understand where you're coming from as far as looking for a job and wanting to move out. However, unless you had a relative or someone to co-sign for an apartment for you, you wouldn't be able to get one under the age of 18. I honestly believe it would be better for you if you called the child helpline to see what type of help they could get into place for you, and focus right now as much as you can on school. A job would probably be overwhelming, especially with all of the other things you are dealing with right now.
I think you are definitely on the right track though with that program, and I'm thrilled that your dad has agreed to pay for the cost and is supporting your efforts with your education.
Keep plugging away, and before you know it you'll be graduated and off to college! :)
Praying for you, you are wise beyond your years, and God's right there with you on your journey through this.
How are you doing? Hope things have been a little better?
Any news, Ana?
I know I haven't updated in a while, sorry about that. I check back from time to time - start to write an update and then just completely give up, closing the browser, and heading back under the covers of my bed or the couch.
That's where I seem to find myself these days, scribbling barely readable notes for school at my desk or sleeping. For some odd reason I've been on an awful schedule of sleep where I fall asleep around pm and wake up around 10 pm and stay awake until the next day around 3 pm. It's awful. It's like I can't get enough sleep. When I shower, I sit down and just let the water run and usually fall asleep. I'm skipping dinner because I'm dead asleep. It's really inconvenient.
School's almost out, so that's good. I'm having a love to hate and hate to love relationship with Summer School. ( I can't even remember if I mentioned that, lol. But basically I need to do summer school so I can get caught up with credits) Like I know it's going to help me in the long run, but I'm just so tired now, and I'm definitely going to need a job this summer. It's a lot. I know it is, and yet for some reason I keep pushing myself to do these things.
I never did call or talk to anybody. Yes, you guessed it - I'm too tired. It's very energy depriving to lie to my dad and take the bus to a local high school or to get out and make a call.
My nephews haven't been over in a while, though they'll be here early tomorrow. I love them to death, but I dread them coming over now. I hate saying that - I raised those two boys. I cleaned up puke while I, myself was throwing up. I've stayed up when they were teething. I potty trained one and currently am helping potty train the other. It's tiring. Oh, no...there's that word again. It's like a curse word now lol.
I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is writing letters to my future self - in hopes that I finally got my life together, for myself. Also writing short stories has helped. So, at least I'm trying to find some relief - right?
Thank you for the suggestion of meal prepping and stuff, I've definitely thought about it. I'll try to make some time and do that - it sounds like a great idea.
Here I am, stumped. Staring down at the keyboard waiting for something to come out. I have a lot to say - I just don't know how, and when I try to think of how it just disappears.
So for now, thank you my kind friends,
Ana
p.s. i promise this isn't a story - though it would sure make a great one.
The last thing we want is for you to feel as if this is yet one more thing you have to take care of during your already busy day! :) So please use this website (and use us too) as you need. Don’t worry if you don’t write very often, the only reason why we ask how you’re doing, or at least the only reason why I asked, is because we sincerely care about you and your wellbeing.
I completely understand the terrible consequences of lack of sleep, as I experience the same problem! But try to get back to a more organized sleep schedule. Make sure you’ve ear plugs handy if needed at night and make sure there’s no unwanted light coming through in your bedroom. Sleep is very important...sadly coming from experience!
Your nephews must be lovely babies, but remember the key word Ana: Boundaries.
You can be loving and caring but remember your time and needs are very important. Your nephews have their father, and he needs to be that for them.
Let everyone take ownership of their role in life. We all chose how many roles we take on, and each role has implications, consequences. If someone becomes a mom or a dad they need to act as such. If someone is an student (like you) studying is priority, among other aspects.
Also want to mention that not having called or talked to anyone yet is not a reason to ever feel you are “disappointing” us, we just suggest ideas we think might help you, but you and only you make the decisions in your life, as only you really know the intricacies of your family and personal life.
I’m very glad you’re hanging in there and wish you the best this summer with school, work..and hopefully some fun!!
May God bless you and keep protecting you Ana! Take good care of yourself:)
Ps: Editing for this PS since you mentioned that your life would make a great story...And yes! It would. So I think if you ever decide to write a book about your life and all you’ve gone through, it will be a bestseller! Maybe start by keeping a diary!
Just letting you know we're still listening and want to hear anything you want to share.
Sixteen year old female with overwhelming age-inappropriate care responsibilities, chaotic sleep patterns and extreme tiredness leading to inability to put one foot in the front of the other. Diagnosis, anyone???
Ana, do any health professionals come to the house to keep an eye on your dad? Or do you accompany him to routine appointments?
There is nothing wrong with YOU. Every single one of the difficulties you are experiencing comes from the circumstances you find yourself in, which were created by other people. I call this unfair and unreasonable. Don't you?
Not sure when poor Ana would have had five minutes to herself to go out and catch it, mind... :(
Ana, seriously this is worth getting yourself checked out for - mono/infectious mononucleosis/glandular fever, extremely common in young adults - it's a quick, simple blood test and if it should be positive there will be important things you need to be aware of. Not complicated treatments, just Dos and Don'ts.