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This post is about ME, all about ME. I cannot talk to family yet, and have no desire to dump this on my kiddoes when it was commented on Sunday that we are really drama free right now! And it feels so good!


OK--


I have had this lump on the side of my neck for, gosh, weeks, since I first noticed it. Kind thought it was weird, but assumed a pulled and swollen muscle as I do a lot of heavy lifting in my gardening---


Lump doesn't go away, and now I am feeling that it's really tender and sore. A big hug from a g-daughter on Saturday had me reeling in pain. Sunday it was very noticeable--and more painful.


Just got back from my PCP who SAW it and said "Holy Cow, nobody but you has noticed this? It's huge!" He palpated my neck, both sides, and said there isn't ONE, there's at least 3 lumps. The big one is the size of a lime, the other one, the size of a ping pong ball and the little on the size of a BIG marble. He had me feel them and then I could feel that there are 3 of them.


This doc is calm beyond belief, but he had me scheduled for a CT scan for Thurs am or sooner if my ins oks it. Blood tests for infection and he did put me on an antibiotic and said he'd be calling me daily.


Ok--like I said, this guy is SUPER calm. He wasn't today. He actually looked really concerned and that scared me. I said "What's your first take on this?" He paused and said, "You're not stupid and you have kids who are doctors and if I don't give it to you straight you'll be calling them. It looks like cancer. I hope I'm wrong. Let's wait for the CT scan and move from there. It's NOT nothing, so we need to be aggressive. These lymph nodes are ginormous."


So---wow. I realize he wouldn't tell a 'regular' patient this right off the bat, and of course I hope he's wrong--but there are some other symptoms, which I won't go into which is why he said he thought first off, the big C.


I don't wanna have cancer.


I'm not saying anything to anyone b/c if he's wrong, I'll upset the fam for nothing. But I feel like I could come here and spill my guts and ask for prayers and I'll feel them.


So--if you are a praying person, please offer one up for me that I can be strong for whatever this is. If you're a 'good thoughts out in the world' send some for me.


I'll be honest. I'm slightly terrified.

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Oh Mid!!!!!!!! I'm terrified for you!. You need to call your son in law the doc RIGHT NOW. He always makes you feel better. More later.


(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))
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Mid, I'm coming off my agingcare.com "sabbatical" to tell you I'm also very concerned and am now praying for you, too. You are not alone -- you have so many here at agingcare.com who care!
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Midkid58 May 2019
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh Midkid, I'll bet you are scared, there is nothing worse than waiting for test results! I pray it nothing more serious than a simple infection that is buggering with your system, but the good news is that you are On It, and that you are seeing to it straight away.

I suggest that you do speak to one of your Dr kids, and let them know, so that they can help you to calm your nerves, or at least to vent to them. I hope you have a Valium available to help you to sleep at night while you wait for tests and results. In the meantime, keep busy and rest when you are feeling tired! I am sorry for the stress this creates for you! Take Care!
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Mid...
Support and prayers.
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(((((((midkid))))))) many prayers. Hopefully it is an infection and the antibiotics are working on it now, Do what you need to do to reduce stress. More ((((((((hugs)))))
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I so understand your instinct to wait and not put your family through the stress of the unknown and waiting that you are experiencing but if I were your son or daughter, especially with doctors in the family, it would terrify me even more and for a long time to come knowing your instinct is to withhold this kind of information and go through all of this on your own to keep me happily in the dark. Now perhaps if your husband, their father, knew all about it was going to these appointments and supporting you through this early all we can do is imagine the worst time it would be an easier pill to swallow but if it were your daughter in your position and she was going it alone until she had some definitive news, no support wouldn't you feel terrible? This is one of the hardest times during a major illness even if it ends up being just a scare, once you have a diagnosis at least you have a road map, something to fight but before you get a diagnosis all you know is something is very wrong and there is nothing I can do about it, all you can do is let your fears run wild and not having loved ones to lean on...please let someone know what's going on, even if it isn't everyone though if you have a close family having each others support is helpful for everyone but at least let one person who can be there with you physically know. They will feel guilty for a long time to come knowing you went through any part of this "alone". The other benefit of doing this is it's always helpful to have someone with you at appointments like this, we can only take in so much information when it's heavy information and if you have doctors in your family there might be huge benefit to that, they can help guide you maybe get things moving faster and help you in ways most of us are lucky enough to have.

Ok I'm off my soap box now, having been in a similar position I know all too well what you are going through and I do identify with your instinct not to put your loved ones through what you are going through right now. Anytime you need to vent or want a friend feel free to come here or PM me. I'll be thinking about you, praying for you.

Also I know your PCP told you what you were expecting to hear and the chances are good but there is also a good chance this isn't C, there are other things that can cause growths on the neck like this that are benign or non cancerous so try to keep some optimism too.
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Midkid58 May 2019
When I have a definitive dx I will tell the kids. I can't do this alone. Right now it's just me, kind of freaking out and DH doing his thing which is to watch TV and be on FB. He will shut it out of his mins until the dx is in. I'm not wired that way!
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That’s a lot to handle. I hope it ends up being something simple like an infection. I’ll be hoping for the best. Waiting is hard.
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Oh Mid, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I know it’s hard not knowing and you’re probably googling like crazy. My only advice is to try not to get ahead of yourself. Right now all you know is you have lumps. It could be simple lymph node infections. My DH’s get huge when he’s not feeling well. And please take one of the kids or a friend with you to the CT scan for support. You don’t want to upset the family “for nothing”, but even just huge infected lumps are “something” and they should know. Prayers for you.
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https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/swollen-lymph-nodes/symptoms-causes/syc-20353902

According to this, it's MUCH more likely to be an infection, Mid. Breathe. And take your Xanax!!!!!!
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When is your CT scan? And I am praying for you! But I would tell your family
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You have my prayers! This is too scary.

i hope you get that CAT scan quickly.

I am am sure that whatever the outcome is, you will be able to handle. You are strong enough. Keep positive thoughts and talk to Son in law very soon. He may have insight that could help you now.

come here and tells us the scan results...we are all praying for you and are concerned for you.
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(((hugs)))
I hope all it is is an infection.
Saying a prayer for you...
PLEASE when you see the doctor for the results take someone with you..good or bad you will need some support!
Please keep us posted cuz ya know we will all worry about you.
more ((((HUGS))))
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Praying for you, Mid. Hugs, NYDIL
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Hi,  take a deep breath and I think you should tell your family. They should know no matter what the outcome is, their your family. I am sending you positive thoughts , and thinking of you. They have a lot of curable medicine and procedures now a days. Hugs to you,  TIna
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Hugs Mid. Tell one trusted family member that’s medical background. Would you want kids to not tell you in case? You’re not pitching for sympathy, your doc is concerned. Let yourself ask for help. Be vulnerable as hard as it is. We are all thinking of you. Your doc relative may know language to fast track getting in.
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Hey Mid. I still lurk around a bit on the forum. Keep track of some of the veterans like you. Just know my thoughts are with you.
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I am sorry that you are going through this. I have a friend that is undergoing treatment for breast cancer now. I've had family die from cancer. Cancer sucks. I will pray for you and your loved ones.
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Mid, you are such a strong person. Remember that the Internet information can be helpful but also can be frightening with all the possibilities. Sending you prayers for calm for you, wisdom and smart guidance for the PCP and healing for whatever this is. And when you know more, calling your SIL the doc would be a really good idea. Even when you're close to a kid-in-law, they still have a bit more objectivity and a little less likely to really freak than your own kid. Many ((((hugs)))) -
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I too will be thinking about you. I always enjoy your posts both for the humor, interesting and mind boggling stories as well as sound advice. You are so important here. With all you have going on in your life do you really want to keep gardening? I think it's a wonderful hobby. We are the same age. I consider myself fairly fit. I try to exercise 4 times a week. I know I can no longer garden. I have had skin cancer and I have too many other ailments that would be exacerbated by gardening. I don't mean to be insensitive right now. I am just saying this out of concern. If it is a positive relief for you then of course you should continue. I just can't imagine putting my body through it especially now as I lie here with a bad headache and throbbing pain in my right shoulder.

Perhaps since Thursday is right around the corner maybe it is best to say nothing until you know more. I wish you strength in the coming days.
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Midkid, I’m sure I would feel the same in your situation. So I am praying for you, like right now. For that peace that passes all understanding- because it sure is hard to wait; for doctors who who are excellent at getting you the care you need and also at helping you understand the information; for God’s healing. Big hugs to you! ((❤️)). Glad you are getting yourself taken care of!! Please keep us posted.
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I’m a Christian who is a prayer warrior so you can count on me to be consistent in praying for you, your family and your situation. Have faith that the doctor is wrong on what he THINKS it is. And if it turns out to be cancer, you can handle it with the help of your faith, your family and friends. My mom had breast cancer and had a left mastectomy. She was terrified, just as you are. But she had faith and has been in remission for 10 years. Please know good thoughts and prayers are being sent your way. May God grant you comfort. Be blessed.
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Midkid58 May 2019
I'm a prayer warrior too. A funny term, I like it!
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Oh my gosh, so sorry. All I can say is that I am glad that you went into the doctor and I understand your feelings. Sending hugs and prayers your way. I will burn a candle at mass for you. Please let us know how you are.
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Midkid58 May 2019
Thank you!
I have dear friends who are Catholic and all the while DH was sick, with whatever he currently had---they kept candles lit for him. While I am not of your faith---prayers are heard, I know and I appreciate you so much!!
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Just sent up a prayer.
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Thanks, a million times over for those who took a moment to write.

I am a basket case, but I do 'basket case' very calmly.

ALso, I am kind of medicated and I have the OK to take a double dose of my sleeping pills for the next couple nights.

I will go this alone until I have a definite something to tell my kids. I know I will have their support, and I know how much I am loved by them....I just don't want to put them through anything.

Sadly, over the many years of putting DH and his health issues first, all my 'friends' got tired of my drama and they slipped away. I have no really close friends, except for my daughters.

Going to take that sleeping pill now and head to bed. Been a long, scary day.

This is a weird change of pace. It's always DH we're dealing with. I don't KNOW how to be sick~

Thanks to all of you. Truly, my heart is much calmer now.
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BlackHole May 2019
Oh Liz! Biggest hugs.

Just the other day, I read your account of your gallbladder odyssey + mental wipe-out a couple of decades ago. That story really touched me.

“Just plowing through” is tricky. It serves us well.....until it doesn’t. 😶

Thinking of you during this rough patch. I understand your desire to keep quiet with the family. For now. When it’s time to talk, give yourself permission to have needs.... to be supported.

And yes, we are all aware of the elephant in the (neighboring bed)room. His reputation precedes him! Find your strength wherever you can.

You are a wonderful, giving person. Many in your circle are ready to give back to you. They’re just waiting for the green light. From you 🤗
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Mid, my heart goes out to you.

My step mother in law has non Hodges lymphoma. It came up suddenly like what has happened with you. It was advanced when found, but I have to let you know it has been over 10 years and with treatment she is well.

I hope that if this is cancer it is treatable.
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Midkid58 May 2019
Thank you--I need to hear things like this.
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Mid,

I am here with you in my thoughts.

I am hoping like the others this is just a nasty infection.

I could say “Don’t go there til you have to go there”. I know that’s the wise way to think but for some of us it is impossible.

I am torn about you not telling your adult kids. You really should not be shouldering this alone. I think you should tell someone.

I kept something like this from my adult kids for weeks during testing. I had to travel out of town for the all clear. They found out as I was traveling home with the all clear. The fall out wasn’t pretty. I think I damaged their trust in me for a good while. But it’s a personal choice and I respect that.
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Praying for you, Midkid. For strength through the uncertainty, and awareness of His loving arms around you at all times.
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Prayers and good thoughts headed your way -
rest and hydrate -
relax ahead of the test Thursday - you can get through this - God will direct your steps
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I just sent my prayer for you.

God Bless!
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Sending prayers and positive energy your way. I imagine how scary this is for you. Take each day at a time.
We’re rooting for a good outcome!
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