Do I have the right to keep my Mom from returning to her home to live alone when I know she's unable to care for herself?

My youngest aunt had the same problem with her older brother, who was single, and she called Adult Protective Services. In that case, that helped him to get into an assisted living apartment. He didn't like it since he enjoyed his privacy, but my aunt could not keep looking after him.

Zdarov, I had the same thought. Her bed's still here as I keep stalling on moving it back. But she hasn't visited my home in years - I go to her - and there's no way I'd be able to get her back here. I can see how much more confused she is right now than she was before she came here and I feel my well-intentioned offer of having her live here has only made things worse. Of course, she did come willingly but I know she would never try it again willingly and if I tried to trick her to come over, it would not be pleasant. She's not mean by nature but when she's angry, she says some pretty horrible things. She already told me that she would rather be dead than live here, despite my good care of her, and I couldn't live like that on a daily basis, which I know it would be if she didn't want to be here.

She really messed up her pills yesterday. I have a pill organizer for the several days of weeks divided into AM and PM and she's done fairly well with it with my consistent telephone reminders. I went over Thursday afternoon and her pills were fine. When I went there yesterday afternoon, Friday night pills and Saturday morning pills were gone. I called the doctor and he told me what to look out for and if I saw any problems to take her to the hospital. But she seemed absolutely fine physically and is fine today. I took her pills and explained that I would bring Saturday night's pill over tonight. This morning she was calling in a panic that she couldn't find her pills and had absolutely no recollection of what had happened yesterday.

I know what several of you have said about adapting to nursing homes but without going into several nightmare stories, I truly am terrified of forcing her into one. No, she shouldn't be living alone but she chooses to do so and yes, I could give her better care here but she doesn't want it. I can't help but feel that she would be better off where she is, with my continued help, than in a nursing home. Both times, she deteriorated drastically in just two days. So I'm afraid I'm back to where I was before she came here. Falls can happen at my home, falls can happen in nursing homes. She does carry her cell phone in her walker so it's always near her. I live close enough that I can go there twice a day to give her pills. And I can cook for her a couple of times a week and bring it to her. No, I can't make her eat it but she does eat more at home than she did in the nursing homes.

I'm hoping that her increased confusion will calm down once she settles back down at home. The move here has really thrown her. I'm going to make a very determined choice to be much more careful of my own health and try not to worry so much. I know how I was when she was in the nursing homes - I got terribly sick both times she was there. As hard as she's finding it to accept the fact that she's no longer able to care for herself and should have more help, I'm finding it even harder to accept the fact that I'm losing my mom and best friend. I will get medical help for myself if I don't feel better. And if my mom gets worse, if I find that she isn't eating or starts digging at her legs again causing the extent of injury that she has in the past, I now know to call Adult Protective Services and will do that. So I do now know that I have someone to reach out to which is a huge relief. I just want things to calm down for a few days to see where we are. I think my constant worrying, constantly asking did you eat, did you take your pills, how are your legs, etc, etc, etc. has only made things worse. I have to back off a bit. As they say on airplanes, if there is a crisis, put your own mask on first so than you'll be able to help your family with theirs. My health and life is just as important as my mom's is and I WILL take better care of myself. I'm as independent, if not more, than my mom is and do everything myself. If it snows, I'm shoveling my driveway and hers. I do all of our yard work except cut her grass, which we hired someone to do. I replaced all the guts of my toilet a few weeks ago. Call a plumber? Nay, I can do it! I have to accept the fact that I'm no kid anymore either and will hire people to do things that are difficult as that is also wearing me down. Her lawn guy can trim up her yard this fall. I'm not running over this winter starting her car every few days either. If she refuses to get rid of a car that she no longer uses, than the battery can die and it can just sit there. I try to fix everything in my family's life and I have to stop it. This whole thing has been a real wake-up call for me.

Thanks again, everyone.

hubblegal, I use to be the handyperson in my household, use to do all the landscaping, had a super clean and very organized house, use to shovel my driveway and my part of my parents' driveway, I use to get 20 bags of mulch for them and drop the bags wherever Dad needed them.... I thought nothing could stop me unless I get hit by that preverbal bus.

Well I got stopped, was diagnosed with cancer that came out the blue with no warning and no markers saying that would happen to me.... yikes... my life had totally changed.... I can't do landscaping any more... forget shoveling driveways.... just taking laundry downstairs to the washer can be tiring... I am thinking of hiring cleaning people to come in twice a month.

Your life can change overnight.... then what would your Mom do? Of course your Mom will want you to continue doing what you did before. It is so very difficult to stop doing things. I had to cut back 75% on driving my parents, no more Walmart/Target or going to the mall, I will take them to doctor appointments, and pick up their groceries which are already for pick-up when I drive up to the store [I order them on-line].

Imaging trying to find your Mom a qualified assistant living facility when you are trying to recover from a serious illness.

I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't well, freqflyer. Yes, I am going to take it easier. I am going to hire people to do things I did before. I was pushing myself way too hard. I definitely need some rest. I'm still trying to follow and learn from the inspirational example of my dog! He has been through so much - hit by a car when he was a year old, taken to the vet with a broken clavicle and abandoned there by owner, put in a pound where he sat in a cage for 6 months, was just about to be euthanized for becoming cage aggressive when he was rescued by a group at the last moment, sat another 3 months in their facility when I adopted him, being trained and learning to trust again for the next year, only to be struck down by IVDD, becoming completely paralyzed in the hind end. Surgery and PT got him back on his feet though he remains incontinent both bladder and bowel, can't scratch his head and drags his right foot. But he remains happy, happy, happy and enjoys each moment of his day. He knows how to live in the moment, doesn't dwell on the past or worry about the future. I'm really trying to learn from his example.

Prayers for your complete recovery.

Fortunately mo mother came to live with me of her own free will. I feel so blessed. She is 103 and was able to live alone up to 99.
My suggestion is to have your mother declared incompetent, then take over her care and living situation. Can you get live-in help so that she can stay in her own home? I'm spending my mother's VA pension $1000 per month to have someone live in with us and work 25 hours a week. The good part is that this person is here to prepare meals or to make sure my mother eats meals that I prepare, because, like most elderly, she will eat crap - cookies, chips, cereal etc.

My mother, too, would consider living in my home worse than death :) and that's one of the nicer things she'd say! hahaha It's just an expression that your mom wants that independence back, as everyone said. So most things are fine with her being there; the moment I saw one dig in her leg I'd tell her 'We go to a new Dr/geriatric specialist, or I can call elder services to come assess, your choice.' The risk and pain of infection is too great. I like the sound of your new plan! Less work at her house and yours, more paid assistance on chores. I'm 49 and I pay like five people to do stuff at my house... takes a bit of surrender of Superpower status, but you can have tea and read a book while you work through it. ;) It's a new page, to surrender to how it is and feel okay inside yourself. We didn't create how things are, we're only pawns. Your desire for what's best for her is the thing that matters, outside of that there will be slip-ups and unforeseen events. I love your airplane thing, I use that a lot! Your dog is a good example, and spending time with him is good for your soul... partake liberally! Also, we need some regular time around those who are completely well, we need to feel connected to that 'vibe' as well to keep strong. Sending good thoughts for you for the next few days while you feel things out. Please be prepared for her not to like some of the decisions you make along the way; she has a say but not control... that time is gone and again, that's not your doing or hers, it just is.

What I've feared all along has happened. My mom fell again last night and this time she's broken her hip. The doctors are meeting to discuss surgery. Please pray for her.

Oh no. Hubble, don't be scared. After the surgery goes well 😇 she will need to be in a nursing home, then assisted living... I hope she'll understand things more now. You were right before, and whatever you decide as things unfold is right, no arguing. I am so sorry for her, that has to hurt something awful. Big prayers for her, and for you. hug, Lisa

So sorry to hear about your mom's broken hip. Hope the surgery and recovery goes well. If anything good comes out of something bad hopefully she will now understand that there's no way she can live alone any longer.

Oh Hubble, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! Let us know how it's going, please!

I'm curious do you have any family support? Are you single, married? I too am in the identical same situation with my 90yr old mother but I'm single working FT and have minimal family support. But by reading your post it sounds like your alone in your situation. I will say this website has been a Godsend since my life completely changed a month ago when my mother moved in with me.

Hub, there are some good suggestions here. I will add mine. My parents both have dementia, and both have orthopedic issues that make it tough for them to get around. My Dad falls a lot as well. My sisters and I take turns caring for them 24/7 in their own home, as they are completely unable to be left alone for longer than an hour or so. (My folks are a couple of years older than yours.) My Dad does pretty well with us being there, but Mom still wants to feel like she is independent and in control. At times she is very nasty, and tells us she wants us (whichever daughter is there at the time) to leave.

When this happens I tell her that this is not an option. However, if she is not happy with the current situation, she could hire strangers to come in 24/7, which would cost about $10,000 a month. OR, we could find her a facility where she could have 24-hour care from medical professionals, if she would prefer. So, what'll it be, Mom?

At this point she generally pouts for a while, but she stops complaining - for a few days, at least. I phrase it the way I do because 1) It's TRUE, and 2) it gives her the sense that she does have some control. She obviously hates her alternatives, but these are her ONLY alternatives.

As for some of the other suggestions, if her doctor won't back you up, I believe you can go to the Probate Court to apply for Legal guardianship and POA. She would have to be declared unable to act in her own best interests. This does not mean she is crazy, it just means she can no longer make sound decisions for herself. In most states it requires her doctor to sign off on it, as well as a psychological evaluation.

Hub I saw on another post that Mom fell and broke a hip - let me add to the voices hoping and praying for a good recovery and now, hopefully you have some backup in getting an alternative living arrangement going for her even if she still objects! So many people have had it go this way - not being able to change anything until the bad thing happens - and hoping it is not TOO bad of a thing. Get with social work and discharge planning wherever she is and tell them everything you told us - and they'd better help you! Or if they don't, you let us know, and we go toilet paper their houses for you.

Thanks, everyone. I'm an only child, Rejoice01, though I do have a 30-year-old daughter. But she's not one to talk to doctors or take my mom for her exams. She works and has a 4-yr-old and doesn't live as close as I do so she very seldom helps at my mom's house. She would visit my mom more but my mom isn't close to her and would usually tell her that she wasn't up to company.