How do we keep our relationship safe while my mother-in-law lives with us?

You said she really doesn't watch them. Just sits outside and smokes and drinks coffee. Your kids are 8 and 4 for crying out loud. Let your hubs know that mom needs to go. Senior apartment or assisted living. This sounds bad enough, but it can only get worse, not better. You can do this

Hellonurse, may I ask how did hubby's mother act while the two of you were dating? Did she sit on the sofa next to her son when the two of you watched TV at her house? Right there is one red flag.

You need to bring her into the family and make her feel needed. Doing something other then babysitting a 4 and 8 year old... I wouldn't want to do that as babysitting is very exhausting for someone her age. No wonder she doesn't want to help afterwards.

Does Mom-in-law like to cook, ask her to prepare her favorite meal and make it a weekly event with everyone praising her. Ask her for suggestions on laundry and cleaning, maybe then she would help, or maybe not. It's hard getting older, you no longer have your own home, your mobility is difficult, you can't drive, you have no friends your own age, if she is a widow that can be hard as that isn't how she and her husband had planned for their retirement.

In fact, depending on Mom-in-law energy level, she could do volunteer work at your hospital if you work days. At the hospital where I do volunteer work my parents did volunteer work up into their late 80's and early 90's. It is very rewarding :)

You see, she lived in my husband's rental with him. Yes she sat in a recliner beside my husbands. She claims her seat whether it be on the love seat beside my husband or the back patio or front porch. She will stand there until someone's moves out of her seat. My husband has told her, mom I would like to sit next to my wife and she still plops right down in my seat. She didn't take care of herself or the house, it was dirty, cat hair everywhere, she didn't go anywhere except to appointments by Med Van. Babysitting 3 days a week isn't asking a lot for everything that I do for her, my 8 year old does everything for my 4 yr, while she sits outside and smokes. She depends on me for everything. She doesn't want to go on the med van, since I was taking her, she isn't very social, and refuses to go anywhere where she may make friends or have a hobby. Her husband past away 14 years ago. I even take her to get her hair colored and cut....she didn't have a hair cut in 8 years. She did like to cook, but then got dependent on me to make dinner....it isn't that she can't, she has it too good and I have honestly spoiled her....now she expects everything done for her. Expects me to serve her. I have given up given up my master bedroom for kids, a room for her, I have lost all space and what I feel a place in my own home. Her daughter won't call her and her other son doesn't call her.....ever.

I think you owe it to your children, your own mental health and your marriage to work with your husband to make living arrangement changes that would bnefit everyone. There are options...and probably resistance to some, but it sems too many sacrifices are being made with the current situation.

This is a difficult situation. You are very valuable to you mil's living situation -- a nurse and a woman who will do for her and take her places. Why does your husband not see that you are being taken advantage of and put his foot down? Was (is?) he the Golden Child in his family? Why aren't the other children involved at all? Since she was living with him before you married, it doesn't seem hopeful that you are going to be able to get her to move out. I wish you could, though.

With her health problems and her continuing to smoke, perhaps she won't last long...

Obviously your husband is aware of his mother's habits/shortcomings, and he doesn't make any attempt to address them. Why isn't he helping out? It is HIS mother! This living arrangement needs to change and you need to Let your husband know how you feel. If he isn't willing to take on some responsibility for her actions, then she Ned's to go!

Correction: she needs to go!

MIL is not reliable enough to watch a 8 and 4 year old, any more than a 8 year old should take on the responsibility of watching a 4 year old. You want private time with your husband than you and hubs need to both address this issue with his mother and come to a workable solution. The expectations and responsibilities of your family dynamics is not a workable solution, they need to be changed.

You are in a tough spot. Your husband acted as his mother's proxy spouse. Her companion as the sun set every evening. For years.

When you entered the scene, you fell into the "giving trap" -- as most of us women do. And you raised the bar by experimenting with the 4-hour grocery excursions, driving her to hair appointments, "saving" her from MedVan and cooking fabulous meals.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Instead of responding with respect and seeking meaningful ways to contribute to your blended family, M-I-L responds with the Screw You/Queen Bee routine.

And at the end of the day she reclaims her role as your husband's proxy wife. Literally -- right by his side.

Your husband's attitude is the key to any meaningful change. If he's unwilling to rock the boat with mama, you will always be #2.

It's a shame your children are witnessing such an unhealthy dynamic. So far, their major takeaways are "mom runs herself ragged for 2 adults who disrespect her" and "users win."

And it's more than a shame that M-I-L is nasty to your children. A lot to think about here.

I'd like to understand a bit more about what has changed for all parties involved, and how long you've all had to adjust to those changes.

Your MIL was partially disabled by a stroke at the comparatively young age of 67. Was she living alone then? How did she manage? Is she widowed or divorced? I'm wondering how used she is to living alone, and whether or not it ever really suited her. What used she to do to occupy herself? What does/did she do for a social life?

Your husband divorced when? And had been living with his mother for how long? And was he able to have his children to stay in that apartment? What's their take on the situation, come to think of it?

You have a four year old and an eight year old, and a full time professional job. So how were you managing before you met and married your now husband, and how long ago was that?

Step families are even more complicated than standard nuclear families, I suppose is what I'm mulling over; and it sounds, though please correct me, as though you haven't had all that long together for things to shake down into routines and ground rules that suit everyone (heaven knows pleasing everyone all the time is a bit of pipe dream at the best of times!). Would you agree?

So, let me get this straight. You married a man with mother attached, who smokes like a chimney, lives in your house, but watches your small children while you work, and you feel guilty about resenting her? Not only do you put your young children at risk from second-hand smoke (and the rest of you), but you and your husband have created this situation. My suggestion as a fellow nurse is to first think about your children, then your husband, then HIS mother. I would never jeopardize the health of my children and myself for the sake of a person who is addicted to nicotine. The fact that your husband believed your mother-in-law about someone "breaking in" at an apt. you rented for her tells me your husband is an enabler and by agreeing with him, so are you. Get your ducks in a row correctly and hire someone to take care of your children, move your mother-in-law into her own place, and let HER son help her with her shopping. If you are working, making money, then you have power. Exercise that power, and don't allow any man to "let" you do anything. You are supposed to take care of your young children first.

Too many questions Churchmouse. Looking for answers not questions.

Look into senior housing options. Some counties have subsidized housing for seniors who have a low income. Many have a senior center, activities and vans that take people shopping. She may baulk at first, but may actually enjoy making new friends. She may stop moping around the house and will actually have an eventful day.

If you don't want this to be your life for the next several years- I would look into other options. How are her finances - can she afford assisted living? Call you local ageing office - they should have a booklet on senior housing options.

I'm in a similar situation, hellonurse. I moved into my husband's house followed shortly by MIL. My children are grown but I do care for grandchildren and have a demanding job. We gave MIL her own bedroom to decorate and care for but the rest of the house is "mine". She lived here most of her life and took care of my husband and this house after his divorce as well. And like your MIL she perceives my husband as her surrogate spouse and me as an interloper. Like your MIL she is unpleasant and demanding, with more needs all the time. And like you i really struggle with resentment and lack of privacy.

I have found that there is little I can do to change the outward circumstances so i just have to work on my own end of things. I have set some specific boundaries -- when she feels good MIL likes to clean so she may clean in her bedroom or the living room but not in our bedroom or our office rooms (she snoops and pries) or my kitchen (where she creates chaos). My husband is goid to reinforce the boundaries .
I just take responsibility for running the household as if she wasnr there so I avoid expectations that lead to disappointment and resentment. I do not leave her in charge of children. I try to honestly consider her as another child in the house in that I'm responsible for her well being and also in the sense of detaching from her manipulation and passive aggressive behavior. I try not to mix it up with her on her level but use the same techniques I use dealing with teaching juvenile delinquents: clear, unequivocal statements and no back and forth. At this point she is who she is and im not changing her but im not taking her crap to heart either -- detachment. My husband and i have set aside Sundays as times for us to go and do things together -- go for drives, go out to eat, go wildlife watching, so we can talk and be together.

The way I see it, it is her right and our responsibility that we care for her but to me it is a JOB. I treat it as a job. In sure you have difficult and unpleasant patients as a nurse and you have techniques for handling them. They apply. Taking care of yourself is your responsibility -- making space for yourself. For me this is about attending Mass frequently, keeping my own friends and my own interests alive. I personally hate television but hubby and MIL want to watch it in the evening so I busy myself with needlework, reading, and things I enjoy and that feed my heart in another room. And above all I keep in mind the commitment I made in marrying and the fact that this situation is not forever but the marriage is.

It sounds to me like having her live with you is probably not going to work out that well and you may have to find other living arrangements for her such as a guest house.

As for the seating issue, is it possible that she also likes that little loveseat? It may not even be her intent to interfere with any relationships, many people out here in the world know what it's like to be attracted to a comfortable looking seat and take to it with no harmful intent. Maybe there's a time in the day when neither of you will be using the love seat and you can let her use it for a while but as long as it will be free during a certain time span. I'm sure you're not always on this thing 24/7, and if you get her a guesthouse or must put her in some other living arrangements, maybe you might consider finding her another a little loveseat similar to yours or maybe another one just like it if you find out it's the actual piece she likes. People can take to certain types of seating with no harmful intent, this is normal if that's all it is. These days with all of the modern couches and stuff on the market, you're more likely to find irresistible stuff that's hard to pass up, and it could be anything that draws her attention but when she sits down, she likes the comfort of the seat. She may not last much longer with heavy smoking, you may want to try and make her as comfortable as absolutely possible if you intend on taking care of her because this may be all the comfort she'll ever know again for all we know. Definitely try to make her as comfortable as possible especially if you know she won't live much longer. If her bedroom is big enough to be something like a small apartment like you see in some magazine pictures, you may actually put some kind of seat that she likes in her bedroom as part of the bedroom set up. Some magazine pictures you see in pages like romantic homes and such includes a bed, dresser, very nice seating around the room, and some of those bedrooms can actually be like a complete suite because some of them are very elaborate. I don't know what kind of set up you have around there, but sometimes having a very big mansion is very suitable for everyone to have personal space. Even some homes that are not mansions give plenty of room for everyone to be happy. I think this would be a wonderful thing if you intend on taking someone into your home. Taking someone into a small and already crowded home is going to cause tension sometime, and this is something I definitely wouldn't recommend. This is why I mentioned having a big home where everyone can have privacy and personal space.

If by chance you can help it, I would try to avoid taking in a heavy smoker or anyone who smokes at all because it's not good for your lungs. I recently lost someone to very heavy smoking, heavy smoking around non-smokers for starters is very dangerous to the health of others. In fact, there are now companies out there trying to help people quit. In fact, our local CVS quit selling tobacco and other related products a while back. They want to offer a more healthy environment, and I don't blame them. Secondhand smoke is already pretty dangerous, imagine what it does to a smoker's lungs, especially when they're a heavy smoker! There are more susceptible to bronchitis and other upper respiratory infections, and they also threatened the health and life of others through secondhand smoke. That's not right. What I would do is have a no smoking rule in the house for starters. I would make her take it outside but far enough away from the house and keep everyone else safe and breathing clean fresh air, clean air is everyone's right. You also mention being a nurse. Did you ever think of the possibility of promoting clean air? Part of your job is helping make people well and giving them tips on how to stay well, and this would be a good project for you to help your loved one who's living with you. I think that if you haven't done so already, you might learn as much as you can about respiratory and what smoking does to the lungs.

You can set rules for your home, and have certain consequences if those rules are broken.

No smoking
Where I personally would start is with the smoking in your home because people you help actually need you to be healthy, they need you first and foremost.

Household seating
If your love one really likes that loveseat that much, you may very well set a time where it's open to her to enjoy as long as it's not in use. During the times it will be needed, it would be off-limits to her during times you and your husband would like to use it. Any other time outside of that, let her use it if she likes it that much. After all, she's living with you and there will probably be other things she will discover and like very much! Sometimes even having a visitor, you never know when something you have will draw their attention, this is normal as long as it's a harmless thing.

Does she have another favorite seat that she really

Household kids
If your loved one doesn't help watch the kids, is it possible that maybe she's burnt out from being a mother or even a nanny? You mentioned her being a mother-in-law so obviously she raised kids. She may actually be burned out on caring for kids, this can happen. Have you thought of a rewards system for her if she helps at least a little? This may give her something to look forward to as long as she's actually able to help out because she may not be able if she has mobility issues. I would evaluate her with the help of a doctor and see where her limits are through thorough screening and go from there.

You mentioned she doesn't pay anything to stay there, I personally would would charge rent. You also mentioned she's ungrateful, I would stop doing for her what you're already doing and you shouldn't have to buy her smokes out of your own pocket if you already do this. If this is the case, make her buy her own smokes and save your own money for you and your own family, thank of your children and remember every dime you spend on her is taking away from those kids. Thank of your kids before continuing someone else's bad habit. You can stop buying her smokes and make her buy her own if she wants them that bad.

Anytime you live with someone, it comes with many adjustments, and it sounds to me like everyone has some adjusting to do. You don't just take someone in and expect there to not be adjustments, not being willing to adjust to one another is what's going to hurt the relationships throughout the home. One of those adjustments is possibly locking your bedroom door if you don't want your problem love the one walking in on you. What you can do is leave a nice big laundry basket outside your bedroom and have the problem left one put any clothes in that basket that goes in your room. That way, you all can put away those clothes at your convenience.

No vehicle
You mentioned she has no vehicle, and not all vehicles are created equal. If she's still able to drive, get her a vehicle she can safely get in and out of without the threat of falling, but make sure she carries a cane. Another thing you can get her is a handicap placard and even a set of handicap plates so she doesn't have far to walk. Another thought would be if you guys have such a thing as the shopper shuttle through public transport. You can put her on the shopper shuttle on days when the shopper shuttle is offered. What you can do is get her a mobility scooter with a big floorboard. On that floor board, you can have a special shopping box built around her and the scooter. She can take her scooter on public transit to go shopping and spend what time she wants until she calls to have the shopper shuttle pick her up and take her home. This would be convenient on days you could send her shopping and you don't have to be with her if four hours in the store is too much. It's obviously not too much for her, which is why I suggested getting her a safe handicapped friendly vehicle or sending her on the shopper shuttle when your town offers it on let's say weekends. That would get her out of the house on certain days during certain times. This would help get her out of your hair some of the time. You can give her a certain amount of money on her debit card for those days. When using the shopper shuttle though, find out where that transportation goes because they have certain stop points on those days.

Special tip
If her insurance won't cover a mobility scooter, you can actually buy a used one from a private owner or even buy a new one online (but get one from her money).

She's got to move out ASAP ! ! !
I am an 85yo Care Giver for 15-30 years, wife and son at
home, and by mail, telephone and $$$ and aunt and a cousin …..

Care Giving is a Tough Job, and you are doing so
much more for an ungrateful person who has such
a Lock on your husband, that your own health is
at Serious Risk !!!
My Opinion, she has to move Now !!!
God Bless All the Care Givers, for me = the Doctors,
Nurses, Lab Workers, Kitchen and Hospital Staff,
and the workers who came in daily and cleaned up
the floor and emptied out the trash from my room,
after three surgeries, four trips to the local ER, with
three-three day stays, once in ICU ... Bullion soup
and jello = UGH !!!

A BIG hug from California. Your situation is quite similar to one I was in repeatedly with my MIL. Very difficult. My MIL could be cute and charming around others, but at home her personality and emotions were all over the place. She wanted to be independent, and admittedly was somewhat for a few years after hubby died, but then would switch quickly to "poor me", "nobody likes me", "I can't . . . . .".

MIL would go into an independent apt. or AL for 18-24 months and then get very sick, or we would be asked to move her as she was using the panic alarm for non-panic situations. She would live with us, get healthy, get bored, etc. One year my hubby was off for a week and said he would take care of his mom. The first morning he told me to stay in bed and he would fix her breakfast. I started to tell him to make her just a half portion of cream of wheat and . . . he stopped me and said not to worry. 10 minutes later i hear them screaming at each other because he gave her a full individual serving and she didn't want that much and a few other things. By the 3rd. day he was apologizing to me in tears because he had not realized how difficult things had become.

This is to say that your hubby needs to step up and take control. It is his mom and you 2 have been married just a short time. As Churchmouse says, get some routines and rules set up. When your children get home their grandmother should feed them a snack and have the 8 year old sit down to homework. Does she fix her own meals during the day? Does she keep up her own room. At a minimum she should be able to make her bed and do her laundry and talk with the grand kids.

Ask around for counselors who have experience in these types of situations and get some help. Go my yourself first, then add in hubby. Maybe an outsider can see things you cannot see and suggest pathways.

I appreciate your situation. I understand where you are coming from because I share some of the same feelings. For a wife to feel like the number two woman in her husband's life is a horrible feeling. I think your husband wants you to be the number one person in his life but is afraid to confront the situation with his mom and his siblings. He is the only person that change that but in the meantime pray and take care of yourself.

Hello Nurse. Your first line signals disaster. MY MOTHER IN LAW MOVED IN SOON AFTER YOUR HUSBAND DID. A big mistake as there is no room for Passengers in a happy Marriage. Question is how do You get rid, build on a Granny Flat, or convert Your garage. You will have to remove Your Mother in Law to give Your Marriage a fair chance. I have often seen five or six Lads share a house and They remain the best of Friends, BUT put a Mother in Law next door to Her Daughter in Law, or share the same home and it's outright war. It very rarely works out. You will have to issue a straight RED CARD. Good Luck Nurse.

Is anyone can have kids sleep over night visit?
go out to movie and motel. leave ML home w cold turkey in friddge sandwich.
Give contact info to overnight pajama sponsor. G MIL their ph number for emerg. Explain to MIL you and you husband need quality.time together. are going on mini vacation giving hyou husband and her break from CAREGIVING and Obtaing much needed spousal comanionship quality time with MY husband.
You are the beta herd mare, and you need To be ALPHA.
If you husbandis not encouraging her . If he feels as you When she sits down ignoring and assuming your place at husbsnds side. Husband needs to get some gonads and get up and sit beside you I. well your left with being the sister beta wife

I'm gonna be blunt here - why doesn't your husband get up from the loveseat? You say he says to MIL he wants to sit by his wife - yet he stays seated by mom. Think of the message that whole dynamic says to her. You also say MIL is passive/aggressive - sounds likes theres an apple under that tree. You'll never get anywhere with her unless it begins with him. Also - do your 8 y/o a favor and find a real babysitter or after-school program, she is too young to be a mother.

I experienced the same situation in Feb 2015. This forum became my therapy!
I gave my husband an ultimatum...our marriage or MIL. We have 21yrs married, 9yrs MIL lived with us. Within 4 days, he moved her to AL. We retired to move to her home, she is 93. She wanted to go home before her glory day. She became combative, rude, etc.
To date, she is happier than ever. Has a 103 yr boyfriend (love is at any age). Voted best dressed, loved by all. Hubby visits daily and we have our marriage back! She complains weekly of cost, but she has funds. She is 1min from home. Come to find out...we were enabling MIL, but we thought we were doing the best for us and her all those years. Children try to make the decisions, when all is said...we only prolong the inevitable.
My mom chose to be in a nursing home for 9yrs. I went to see her everyday.
Don't wait any longer. Speak up! Hugs.

Okay, you have made it clear. You do not like your mother-in-law, you find nothing positive in her, you resent her constantly... Are you trying to justify getting her out of the house? Do you feel guilty for not liking her and not wanting her there? Did you ever think she may be happy to NOT live with YOU as much as you do not want to live with her? She is your husband's mother, she is a human being like you, she does need help like you do. Pointing fingers and blame is unproductive, it does not help but only muddies things up. Coming to the conclusion that it is not a good fit (to try and say it nicely) and then you make up your mind what you want. If you do not want her there, talk with your husband and her about setting her up somewhere else. As to her needs in living, decide how much you are willing to be a part of making things work for her after she is not living with you... When I was younger I could fly, I could do anything, I accomplished so much, and everyone thought I was delightful and worthy to be alive and in their world. Now I am older, I am tired, I get behind, I do not do all the things I used to, and I have become a burden to my husband and his family, to people I love. What I do, is not enough. If I did not believe in myself, and my worthiness as a human being, I would be crushed with the weight of society's prejudices and bias. I am becoming more alone and lonely, and I do not know how to make a life for myself, by myself. I keep trying, I will not give up on myself or the world.

Reading and watching the answers here as I have similar situation with my mother in law. You may have bent over backwards in the past to accommodate her because you could, it felt like a loving/ accepting your new family and the right thing to do. Accept that you can ask for changes, that there needs to be a change for the sake of your sanity and family unity going forward.

Hello nurse, I really feel for you in this nightmare situation. Labs4me has written word for word what is on my mind. This is YOUR house!! A pushy mother-in-law can put such a strain on the best of marriages. A blended family is challenging enough and I can hardly see how you have enough room for 4 growing kids in your home, whether they are there 100% of the time or not. I really care about you and your kids.

When my Nana move in with us to Seattle from Wales, UK, I was about 11, and my father told her in no uncertain terms, that my mother is number one his children are number 2 and she was a distant third, period! That set the tone for her to realize that she would have to find her place in our home in order for her to continue living there. It didn't work out for my mom in the long run, as my grandmother was incredibly stubborn and strong-willed. Eventually as her dementia set in, she ultimately ended up in a nursing home, sadly. But he never wavered from his original position, and always took the time to take my mother for drives on Sundays to not only put her first but - set the example.

I find myself in a similar position in that my father-in-law has lived in our home with us for the last 13 years. My husband has always done his best to put me first however my father-in-law's advancing age and ours as well has made it most difficult to continue on in this situation. We are currently intendind to begin the process to sell our home this next spring, and to move his father into a senior living situation. We have done our best to make a comfortable life for him after his wife passed away, but after 13 years it is time for us now to have our senior and retirement life, and we have made that clear to my father-in-law who has come to accept our needs.

I hope you and your husband can figure out a situation soon, that will work well for all of the family. It does sound like it is time for her to move into a senior living type situation where she will be amongst others who are of simular age and interest. Your husband and you, will still need to advocate for her in her daily needs and medical needs. But this can be done if you move her into a place that is near enough to your home, but it is time for you to put you your children and your husband first. I absolutely understand that this is not easy but it is necessary. Your children are too young to be left with a woman that is not capable of managing them both emotionally and physically. The very first step I believe that you need to take care of, is after school care for your children. Because if they are not being looked after appropriately you could be in for trouble, and they are most definitely not getting all of their needs met. Your husband needs to be proactive in this situation and make it clear to his mother that he is now a married man a father and she needs to be in a place where she too and have her needs met. But that is not in your household.

You have my sympathies.

Sounds most unpleasant and a HELLA lot of work for you all around. What does your husband think about all this, again? You two should find some assisted living place or senior apartment for his mother, this time stick with it. Have a caregiver stop by a couple days a week, buy her a med-alert pendant. There are some saintly Walton-like families who can do this kind of thing (I know a man who as a teenager was kicked out of his room because gamma was coming to stay till she expired - he had to literally sleep under the dining room table in a sleeping bag!), but if everything has fallen on your shoulders....no, just no.

You need to have a talk with hubby. You need to explain to hubby that the way your MIL treats you in your home is unacceptable. Hubby needs to put his mother in her proper place, and that's not in any of the seats next to him. Those seats are for you and your children. None of MIL's issues sound like reason enough for her to have moved in with you. She needs to find a place of her own to live. Have you looked into shared housing for seniors? Many seniors have huge homes but empty nests, and are choosing to open their homes up to roommates.