Has anyone else lashed out at their non-helping sibling?

I agree with Salisbury.....you just take care of yourself and your loved one, don't mind the sister. You are better off without her around to harass you. we have the same problem with two brothers who do nothing but complain, and never go see their ailing father in the nursing home. Only my husband, the 3rd brother takes care of his father every day , so that is all we care about. It is my husband and I and his dear father....that is all we care about. We don't pay any mind to the brothers. We will not allow their guilt to pull us down. Our priority is my husbands father, and that is all we focus on. And it feels great. Good Luck!

Even though my father has passed away for almost 6 months. My siblings are of no help to me even in death. I am still alone when it come to paying the bills and handling the estate. And going to the cemetery to see my dad. I know we cannot get blood from a stone, but it is disheartening. Our relationships with our siblings are the longest in our lives. I hate to see so many break down over caregiving decisions for elderly parents. I'm hoping with counselling I can understand myself and my siblings better. The relationship is hanging by a thread, but I want it to be stronger.

Yes and they deserve it. Don't feel badly about it for a second. If possible, go no contact - they're not helping anyway so why subject yourself to people who are rude or mean.

The response from your sister is called gaslighting. I know this because my counselor told me, and it's a nasty person's way of deflecting blame from themselves onto you. Likely she has a lot of guilt and is trying to make you pay for it by being nasty to you. I used to think that detachment was something that I, being a caring person, could not do, but I have found in my own situation that detaching is the only way to peace and self preservation. Let her go!

"you have problems." Well, I've heard that a hundred times. I'm told I NEED to be on medication. Just because she is... Maybe that's why she's so lackadaisical about everything. Never washes their clothes or cleans... but you could lick her own floor.... I could write a book.

I kept thinking things would change. My sister created a huge fight every time she came to visit. Moving things around, telling me and Mom what we should be doing and how. EVERY VISIT ended in screaming matches for 7 years. I got one one-week break at the beginning. Sis was jealous and felt guilty.

Mom died in January. Sis came home and stayed 6 weeks - suddenly had all the time in the world to be here. We fought endlessly. She told me what a horrible job I had done, that mom was miserable and had been trying to figure out how to evict me. Meanwhile, mom told me (and anyone else would listen) every day how much she loved me and what a great job I was doing, how she didn't know what she would do without me, etc.

Sis told me she has hated me since high school and hoped she never saw me again, wished I was dead. I finally told her she was just embarrassing herself and should stop talking. She has told our entire family I embezzled money, lied, stole, that I'm a drug addict (!), etc. then an hour later she'd like nothing happened. 

If I had to do it again, I don't know what I could have done differently with her but I wouldn't change a thing with mom as mom knows I did everything I could to make her life better.

Sis has created a break in our close and extended family that will likely never be repaired. She "thinks" she is the most loving, compassionate person on earth. She wants so many of mom's belongings and is angry she can't get it all. 

Sometimes, you just can't do anything about a sibling except accept there is something wrong with the other person and walk away with your head held high.

I miss my mom like I'm missing part of me but now realize I am alone and move on with my life. I got one thank you in 7 years. Mom thought sis should be kissing my butt. That didn't and won't ever happen. Some people just want you to be as miserable as they are. Don't let sibs put that on you. Just do the best you can and love, love, love your mom. God knows what's really going on. I have to let Him handle it it now. 

And mom is surely watching and knows the truth.

Yes. Oldest sibling manages the money, lives 2,000 miles away, sends books and articles of pop-psychology to justify her desire to have situation 'done and dusted', or Mom in nursing home. Mom has money to afford home care a little longer, not all that demented yet short term memory loss getting a little worse, but she can still be home. Sister knows there is insurance to cover Nursing home which would leave piles of dough to be divide up. I think she stinks! I'm up half the night answering the ingratiating emails. And, no, I'm not off my meds! Lol. Errrrrrgh.

As you can see, you are far from alone. I don't blame you for lashing out. If I ever get the opportunity, I will lash out at my *sister* also. She lives 2 miles away. Hasn't been to see Mom in 2 years and rarely in the months before then. Doesn't call her. Doesn't ask about her if she speaks to either of my sister-in-laws. My brother calls every night to speak to Mom and sees her for an hour or two during the weekend. But give me a break? Never! My other brother passed away 6 months ago but my sister didn't acknowledge me or my grieving Mother at his service. Breaks my Mom's heart. The meds remark was just an insult, calling you crazy. I'd say she's the one with the problem. And just like my sister, she will live with regret and guilt someday. Meanwhile it's great to say take care of yourself and stuff like that but it's practically impossible without a support system. Good luck.

Trevor, are you sure we don't share the same sister? Wow ... your and mine could be twins. 💔

Everyone has very good advice & opinions...i can only tell you what i experienced-my sister helped w/my mom, i did at first, but later no, mainly because she didn't want me to know what her & her son were doing-i did not try to steal anything or say anything bad to my sister & encouraged her every chance i got. To put it bluntly, yes, i did say something cruel to my sister when i found out they hadn't done my mom's taxes or paid the property taxes on her house & when i realized she really didn't want me asking questions about anything to do w/financials on my mom & she wouldn't tell me anything-still i supported her & thought she was doing the best she could. (I had told her earlier that i would not cause her any trouble because at that time i trusted her completely) When i found out what was going on & comfronted her about mom's disappearing money & CD's & not filling out income tax-She blew up at me & told me i would have to pay any back taxes owed for mom-I had it by then, & said some unflattering things to her-I regret blowing up like i did, i wished i had of not rode that train she was on, so to speak. My relationship w/her has gone from cordial & talking to non-existent. (i found out she wasn't the person i thought she was, i had fooled myself all these years)So when i say, Is your relationship w/your sister important to you? You really have to consider that-because mine was, although it wasn't important to her. I'm sure you are doing the best you can & resentment towards a sibling who does not help is normal. But you are not in her shoes & maybe she was slighted or mistreated in some way you did not know about, or never would have thought your mom or dad could have done such a thing-but it happens, believe me i know for a fact-so don't be too "down" on her, because you don't know where she is coming from-try to be understanding, she has problems yes, but you do too, whether you want to admit it or not-Try to figure out if the relationship w/her is important to you, if it is then forgive. If it isn't, then let her go, cut your ties w/her, be cordial or curt w/her, but still forgive her & forgive yourself. Like i said, pick & choose your battles-Is this worth it? (reality is she probably said that because you are stressed out & it was showing in how you were talking to her-it's ok, everybody gets stressed out-she could have said, man sis you are really stressed out-but she didn't, she chose a poor choice of words)Just remember, no human being is perfect-not her, not me, nor you-my advice-let it go, consider the source.

Yeah, I've done it. It was 3 and a half years ago. I had just gotten married and made arrangements for mom to stay with her sister in South Carolina while I was on my honeymoon, so she wouldn't have to be alone. I wasn't living with mom at that point, but I was at her place 4x a week to do meds and make sure everything was ok. I guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. Mom and I had agreed on this, I thought, and everything was cool. Mom had been wanting to get back to South Carolina and I thought this would be a great opportunity. That is, until she got down there, sundowned, forgot who her sister was, and freaked out. My aunt had to call the cops because mom was running into the street, trying to get a "train" home. Poor Mommy.

Anyway, they called my sister in Virginia and begged her to come get my mom. They're older, too, and they were completely out of their element. Sis refused, so I had to leave my honeymoon on day 2 and go get her. Funny, I didn't mind at all. Neither did my sweet husband. We just wanted to make sure mom was ok.

We jumped in the car, picked her up in SC and drove her back to NY. It was actually cool having my mom on my honeymoon. Driving cross country with the 2 people I love most. In West Virginia, I played "country road" on my ipod and we all sang along. Anyway, I digress....

When I called my sister on the way, I let her have it. I confronted her with the fact that they called her first, and she refused. Her response, "I have to take a state exam on Friday," in other words, she was taking an exam to become an insurance agent, which she could have postponed and done any time. I absolutely *roared at her, "I'm done with you...and that's for life!!!!"

My sister and niece did the exact same to me. They refused to help and told me it was my responsibility, after 3 years of caregiving, plus a special needs step son that was my responsibility I started to loose it. Yes that was thrown up into my face, your off your meds, you need to get help (medical) I could not believe all the things that were said. After I disowned her and broke all communication she finally came around and agreed to take Mom for a couple months. Now we are at the point that we placed mom in a home this weekend, we really had no choice. I do have to say my sister and niece flew in to help me. It was so hard to just keep my mouth shut. they actually think in their mind that everything is OK and they did everything they could. They actually hung me out to dry and were so mean to me. I have forgave them but I will never forget. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, its hard enough to take care of someone that you love but to have people say terrible things to you is just a bit much. I'm the same as what you are saying, no confrontational however it came to the point that I had to walk away. I wish you the best and I agree with the others, she is the one with the issues and believe me one day she will pay for what she has said and done. My sister and niece although they showed up to help I know now in my heart that they will never forgive themselves and as terrible as it may sound I'm glad. I'm very glad that they did take a couple months to spend time with our Mother last summer but I can bet they will not be back down to visit her. I also had to sit an listen to them go on and on about how bad they felt that they had to leave me alone to take care of Mom. Well they never did before so why the change. I wish you the best and just keep in mind your better than that and your the one that is there. God Bless.

Let it go. Just forgive & forget-although, it doesn't mean you can't tell her you were uncomfortable w/her statement to you or upset. You won't have a relationship w/her if that gets out of hand-believe me i know, been through it. Just forgive & forget-pick & choose your battles.

Let it slide, she is probably hurting in her own way & guilt is probably there as well, it doesn't mean you can't tell her you were uncomfortable w/her statement, because you are not on medication. Your relationship will suffer or you will have none at all if you can't forgive. I'm just telling you from personal experience, because i went through it as well.

Rosy123 - as you can see from many of the prior posts, pretty much all of us who have siblings but feel like only children when it comes to dealing with our aging parents has gone off on them at one time or another but as you can also see, it does little to no good. The bottom line is they are, for whatever reason, at peace with their lack of involvement or caring and nothing we say or do is likely to change that. You can take solace in the reality that you are doing the right thing by your loved one, and that is no small thing. Most of us on this forum have been burned out on caregiving more times than we can count and this is a safe haven to vent your frustration and rage about both issues. Sending you lots of hugs for strength and comfort - you're doing a wonderful thing.

Are you kidding me!! I had to freak out on my brothers before they helped me in anyway. They want to spite me because I get $200 a week for having my mother live with me and being her only caregiver for the last 3 yrs. when one of them live 20 min. away his wife is very jealous and competitive with me and wants to destroy me even before this!!!  I make him take her one weekend a month and told him my husband and I need a weeks vacation coming up.  And to stop acting like his b*tch wife!!!  Also threatened to put Mom in residential living and his attitude change completely!!!   Money talks..

All the lovely, Rich and robust comments are so gratifying and consoling to read. It really makes you understand your not on your own in this journey....
My dad went into a beautiful nursing home on Friday, we couldn't ask for better.

I moved in with my dad in 2015 to care for him, bowel cancer, liver, lymph l... triple AAA & nearly 91. I lasted 7 months, he paid his girlfriend £250 per week and me... Nada! I gave up my £30,000 pa job to care for him.... the girlfriend and my two sisters did very little, bit hard for one them as she lives in NZ. But the odd email of support wouldn't have gone a miss!

I felt alienated and ganged up on as the girlfriend who never lifted a finger to help, walked out of the house when I'd redress the siegmoidectomy and change the Stoma bag..... and still my sisters think the girlfriend is wonderful... lol she despises me though, aren't I the lucky one? I'd feel there was something wrong with me if I had friends like her!!!

When my parent passes away, I have no intention of maintaining a relationship with my siblings.

Of course! But in my more rational moments, I step back and think about the old adage, "Don't get mad; get even." I'm making small progress on getting some help from siblings now that they have no more excuses. Baby steps. They wasted too much time and Dad no longer knows who they are.

My sister made her position clear before mom became ill. She told mom she could not live with her. This coming from the "golden child" who took money from mom for 30 years. During my childhood and beyond my mother frequently told me how stupid I was and why couldn't I be brilliant like my sister? Yes, my sister and her typewriter were brilliant. She changed her grades on her report cards in high school. She barely graduated. I struggled to pay my way through college and never got a dime. I also paid for my secondary education. Not one dime for me, ever. The Golden Child flunked out of her first semester of college that mom paid for and never went back. During college I worked three part time jobs and lived on four hours of sleep. Then I began my very busy career. My sister did not work and used mom's money to buy herself diamond jewelry, roses, and expensive perfume. She also put a nice deck onto her house that mom paid for. After she became unable to live alone, mom stopped my sister's checks and changed her will. She realized my sister really was refusing to take her in. The shock from her Golden Child was almost too much. My husband and I do well because of our own efforts. We earn our own way and always have. Now mom lives with us (me, the stupid one). If she had moved in with my sister, she would be sitting in a dark room eating catfood while my sister took every dime. My mother has it made. Beautiful place to live with us. Anything she wants she gets from the stupid one. Is she appreciative? Absolutely not. P.S. My mother can shred someone and make them cry in three minutes flat. The nursing homes don't want her.

Personally I did not give my brother grief. Here's why=when your parent dies, you still have to get along.

My brother raised my nephew for 11yrs. He has physical and neurological problems. He was not easy to raise. So, I figure he did his part and he lives 7hrs away. My other brother hasn't seen Mom in months. I have enough stuff to worry about so I don't worry about them not seeing Mom. They will have to live with themselves, not me.

If this sister made a comment about how you were doing things then I can see it response. Her response was selfish. Tell her next time quietly, that If she thinks she can do a better job you would gladly give her the responsibility. Then you can have a life of ur own and hold down a job.

"You are off your meds" seems to be a blanket statement made these days. A person doesn't have a right to say that to someone else without proof positive.

I've read all the comments posted and for the majority I must say I agree. Same thing happened with my sibling. She had her view of her story with Mom as did I. Our experience was different because I was the caretaker and she was the absentee daughter of. I have come to find that because of her guilt in not taking my Mom she felt that if she could make me seem inept, or if she could down play all the hard work I invested into caring for Mom it absolved her of her guilt. If I didn't (in her mind) provide good caregiving then it really didn't count. She also defamed and spread deceit to all that would listen. In the end I found (as a wise counselor once said) that it was more important to keep my own side of the street clean, and to keep focused on what I was doing for Mom. Really in the end nothing else matters. You won't be able to satiate your sister and her need to be on top and in control by bullying you and making you feel little to make herself feel big. You have no control over that. What you do have control over is your care for your Mom, and the love that you put into it. That will make you far richer, and with a much more loving relationship with your Mom in the end. Let your sister burn herself out, and she will. What you have is the truth of what you are doing and the care you are providing. Your sister could only hope for that. It will never be her reality...by choice. My siblings and I fractured apart after the death of Mom from their behavior while I was caregiving. I have also come to find that I would never choose to have people with behavior such as theirs in my life....ever. If I did I would live their guilt, anger, and rage every day and in a sense live their lives until I die. Instead I choose to be a daughter that fell in love with my Mom during the lovely five years that I was with her. Now that she is gone I am so rich for all the time we had together. Really it was she and I. She knew that and so did I. That is truth. It doesn't matter what anyone else believes...it is what was true between my Mom and I. My siblings can't meld that, change it, or make it go away no matter what they do. I no longer have to listen to the whining of the siblings, or experience their bullying in any manner. When I look at it we really weren't all that close growing up anyway. To be in my life you have to have more than just the title of being my sibling. You have to have love in your heart and be supportive. They are just angry people, and still seem to be. There will always be something or someone for them to blame so they never have to look at their lives or themselves. Truly I am the lucky one to have made the choice to create my own life, based on how I want to see it in the future. I don't want anger, misbehavior, bullying, etc. in it, and there is none. Just a lovely memory of the time I spent with my Mom before she passed, in all the good times, and hard times. She was a lovely person. Too bad the siblings had a different experience by choice.

Here's what I eventually did. Now the context was that my Mother steered us all through a very challenging childhood and devoted herself to helping us throughout her life. She was diagnosed at my brother's hospital with dementia but he kept it a secret even though I was looking after our Mother in my home - eventually full time. He and my sister-in-law maintained they did not believe she needed care - right up till the last stage of dementia and bowel cancer - for more than six years. Eventually, I ran my business and finances into the ground. (My Father's 20 years as an alcoholic had left my Mother with no money whatsoever). There were very good reasons to believe that Mum would quickly die in a care facility. Anyway, my intent is not to justify what I did. Just highlight that there is sometimes a way to force a sibling to move out of a too convenient position of denial. However, as a warning, it may irreparably damage your relationship with that sibling. Let me state that I was truly desperate at this point and there were reason's to believe that the stress was actually killing me - it looked like I might not outlive my 92-year-old Mother. So I took a step back and decided for once in my life to try just playing "the game." Words and tears had got me nowhere, and my Brother knew I would never jeopardize my Mum's care to "teach the family a lesson," so it seemed like for many years he held all the cards. Not so, I started to play. I would move Mum 3000 miles away to a friend's house on Vancouver Island. When they realized I was serious they considered how inconvenient it would be for them, they made a move to offer a very small amount of support for us to stay nearby. That was the first offer in 6 years. Weeks later, I made another chess-like move and they simply moved away from their discomfort and another small part of the way towards doing their share (the share of what I came to understand as top quality dementia home care). Every move resulted in a counter move in our direction. What I focused and reflected on was where were they vulnerable and I simply played on that credibly and strategically. Our quality of life improved many hundreds of percent, I got the best care team, we never overspent but we got what we needed. I got to spend quality, loving time every day with my Mother for the last great 8 months of her life. She was finally loved and met in the way she had loved all of us - when she needed it most. Truly, it was a remarkable time. Her outpouring of love and gratitude knew no bounds. Even as her body literally withered her spirit soared right through till her timely death. All of us on the team were in caregiving heaven and I would and could have continued caring for her that way for the rest of my life - it was timeless. However, it drove a wedge between my brother, his family and myself that may not in this lifetime be removed. I am saddened but I don't regret it as this turned out to be one of the most important tasks of my life - so far. Every situation is different and many other avenues are preferable and often possible - but I put this out there for those desperate situations like the one I was in. I know many of you will say - that is far past the point where you should have had your Mum placed in a home. Many in the industry said that to me at the time, good, wise, experienced people. But each of those who said that and were with us to the end, none held that opinion at the end. I have heard over and over, "Just accept a siblings denial, there is nothing you can do." But sometimes it's about how far you are willing to go. Can you answer the grail question, "Whom do I serve," and be willing to live with the consequences? Something must be done about this epidemic of "denial." Sibling rivalry is age old. Legal ways must be found and social norms must change to not make denial so convenient.

Ditto. In fairness, she cared for another for many years up until she passed away but mom had insurance so they had hired help and maid service. I don't have that luxury. All I asked was one day a week or she would take him to lunch or breakfast or something to give me some time period She does it once in a blue moon. Judging by the credit card bill my Dad paid for the breakfast which is ironic considering she has money and he does not

Dear Rosy,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know it hurts. And your sister's words are mean. I know its not easy being siblings and we all sometimes succumb to saying things we don't mean. If we can forgive each other then fine, but if we can't, then please protect yourself. Let her know, you need love and support not hurtful words. Easier said than done I know.

Yes, I have been there too. And I was so angry. I was the oldest sibling, the responsible one, the dutiful one. It was hard. My siblings left the household to start their own lives. But I never felt I could because then my dad would be alone. I managed the household and paid all the bills. He trusted me.

But after my dad's stroke, I became very resentful and angry about how my siblings treated me. There was no offer of help, I really did feel like an orphan. My one siblin in particular and I were always butting heads. She didn't even want me to be in same room with her when dad was in the hospital or rehab. We've always had a love/hate relationship growing up.

After dad was home, she did come and help when I asked her. But I always felt it wasn't enough. I always felt attacked for having no life, that everything fell on me. She never took care of the house, so everything became "my job." Even though my dad has passed, I still have a lot of anger and resentment against my siblings.

I know its not realistic to expect families to be a Hallmark movie, but I just wanted some compassion from my siblings. Some validation and acknowledgement for what I was doing all these years for our parents. But instead you get grief and abandonment. I guess its the price we pay for being people pleasers and the care bears of the world.

Rosy, I hope you know you are not alone. We are all here to support you. And if your sister continues to be mean to you, maybe suggest counseling or a family therapist or consider joining a support group. It is overwhelming at times and we need to know how to cope with our unhelpful siblings.

Take care, thinking of you.

Your non-helping sibling won't hear you anyway. Blow off steam to friends. My brother is totally useless but always has an excuse that he thinks is valid. Bottom line is they don't care. You do what you do because it is right. They will have to live with themselves in the end. Hugs hugs hugs.

Wow. This so reminds me of my sibs. When one is guilty of their own bad behavior, they project it on others. My own sibs did none of the heavy lifting for my mother, only the fun stuff, even after I asked for help. They said she was MY responsibility since I lived with her. Then when she had a fall-subdural hematoma, then surgery, they came rushing in and called me all kinds of names, told all kinds of lies, said I was mentally ill and caused me all kinds of stress and a PTSD diagnosis! Plus, they took her things and her money and left me with nothing.

What I gained was acknowledgement from neighbors, her friends and my friends and that I should have no guilt and be proud of what I did for her, without them. I don't have guilt, except for maybe taking it out on my mom at times verbally about needing help. My mother expected too much from me in her semi-demented years, as I was the "unattached one" with the freedom.

I agree that if you are caregiver, you should also be POA. That was my mistake. I became caregiver by default and also because of my medical background, it was only natural. I was second in line as POA and executor, but my crazy sibs turned my mom against me for a time after her brain surgery. I found out recently as her will went into probate, they were able to convince her to write me out of the will after 35 years, while they hid her from me and I did not see her for 8 months!! They took everything. Even a antique cabinet that was promised to me and they knew it. How they live with themselves, I wonder.....

It was not my mother who changed the will, but some very sick sibs who brain washed and elder abused her. My mother passed almost 6 months ago and now I am free from them and their ugliness and mental illness! I have no contact and that is fine by me. We do not need people who treat us badly and with contempt. Especially if they are blood. Life is too short to have them in our lives. Caregiving can be thankless, but it can be an honor too.

I have been sitting on a program for seniors in high school to take first aid courses and to become knowledgeable to relieve their parents with training as respite caregivers. I need help to launch a national campaign. My plan is necessary to prevent and stop burnout so evident in perpetual caregivers. This is a national scandal that we in the business must address, students would be a great adjunct to caregiving.