Leaving Mom alone while shopping. Any suggestions?

Thanks, oreosmeow, for the suggestion. In the winter she was adjusting the heat, so we got a digital thermostat that she couldn't figure out, so one problem solved. She has 3 separate ACs, with all 3 having different types of knobs to use when turning them off. THOSE she can figure out. sheesh! To be frank, I do believe one of the issues is me having hot flashes, so I am hot all the damn time ... and she, like most elderly, is OK with it being hotter than I can bear. If she is OK with 82, then I will have to start walking around with an ice pack in my pants, 1 under each boob, and another on my head. LOL - at least it would give her something else to laugh at. Sticking my head in the freezer isn't a relief anymore. :)

Was the Alzheimers Association you called in your state? If you call an 800 number, they know who you are because you can't block your number from an 800 or toll-free number when you call them. Even if you ask your questions anonymously, they can find you if they don't think they liked what they were hearing. Your state or area may be aggressive in pursuing what they believed to be negligence. Which leaves you with a possibility of a world of trouble if you step over what they believed to be their line. Make no mistake that this would be criminal not civil and even if you would end up being innocent, getting an attorney to prove that will be expensive.

They may either be mandated reporters, meaning they have to tell APS or the police or someone in charge if they interpret what you're saying is hazardous to someone OR someone interpreted what you were saying to them as a red flag and decided to call for help. Once APS or other social workers get involved, you're in the system, at least for a while. I would be careful antagonizing or alienating anyone at this point I trying to have a sit down with the supervisor. I think the person I was trying to do his or her job and any objection from you at this point would make them wonder what youve got to hide.

The difficulty is that they'be got their eye on you now. They'll believe that the visit fully informed you of your responsibilities. In our eyes as caregivers, we are always trying to lean in the direction of giving the elder his or her independence, so sometimes we allow too much because there are after all so many things WE I have to get done.

But if you were to leave now without getting a sitter, now that they've got you in their sights, and some injury or fire or whatever were to happen that cause injury, I do believe they would come after you. I don't think there's any way for you to fly under the radar anymore at this point.

Someone else already posted about not leaving a child at home. I think that's the way you're going to have to handle things now. Be VERY careful and get help before you go out.

I live out in the country and for me to go to the grocery store is 12 miles each way. That is 20 min there and 20 min back just in driving. I need at least 1.5 hrs just to go to the grocery store. Before my mom (who lives with me) went on hospice I had to pay someone $20/hr from a service to go anywhere. First of all, it adds up very quickly! I paid for it out of her account but could quickly drain it. Secondly, it isn't easy shopping when you have a time restriction. Are there county services for respite care or sitting for free if your parent isn't on gvnt assistance?
I think it is ludicrous to compare our elderly parent to leaving a child alone.
A child is a minor, our elderly parents are legal adults. We are not required to be their caregivers, that is a choose. There are many elderly that live alone that probably shouldn't be. I don't know but I would go insane being totally housebound and having to order my groceries online. I would have to draw the line there!

Any person who has dementia cannot be trusted to stay put. Having said that, if you know your loved one has dementia then any "reasonably prudent person" would know leaving them alone would be risky. Can you guarantee said person will not get out of the house and wander? Better not take any chances.

mynuthouse - we are ALL sympathetic to the horrors a financial drain. I went to your profile and see that you have no statistics which I believe means that your new. I would just ask you if you read all the posts as there are 10 answers per page and 3 pages answering this question. This caregiver was threatened by social worker with legal action if she left her mother alone. I'm sure we all understand that the expenses for babysitting are huge but I for one was addressing but I didn't want this one to get in trouble because their eyes are on her now. Your city town or state may not aggressively pursue negligence but it looks like the people dealing with her would do that. I was simply warning: her to be careful.

Ugh - what a nightmare. I feel for you, Juju. Hopefully you can get her into a daycare-type program that will give you a couple of days a week all to yourself -wouldn't that be wonderful??? Good luck!!

Eek - I meant "echomom"! :)

I have always been leery of giving out information to any of these agencies due to things just like this. This is frightening and makes you not want to use the agencies because they are not actually helping you by turning you in to authorities when you need their help.

I am basically the sole caregiver for my mother although my daughter can help me at times with running errands or watching Mom between her college courses. My sister lives with us but she works during the day and does not arrive home until between 5-7pm, by that time dinner is finished and cleaned up and I am laying across my bed resting. I have left my Mom alone while I ran to my therapists office for a 1 hour session but now after hearing this I am thinking I am going to have to give up the one thing that keeps me together and able to make it through the week.

May I ask a question of all of you...If I am at home with my mother and she goes out into the garden to work and winds up having heat stroke or becomes dehydrated because she refuses to drink water or most fluids unless it is coffee, can I be held responsible and prosecuted for elder neglect? I am serious, Mom's only interest anymore is working in the yard and I have let her do it because she NEEDS something to do and likes. Now if I can be thrown in jail for this, what am I suppose to do keep her locked up? This is crazy and frustrating....You lose no matter what you do!

I left for a 9 day vacation and my sister was left in charge of Mom. She knew I was going and she would be taking care of her for months, now I have received hurtful calls and messages almost everyday, telling me that she cannot handle this and she doesn't have to, she is leaving, etc. Now she lives with us and is around this every evening and weekend, she just doesn't want to put up with what I put up with every single day. I am more than 13 hours away from home so I am not running home, I know she would not just leave home, she doesn't have the money to, it is a ploy. What happens to her or me if she does decide to get up and walk out leaving Mom alone?

I do not have any information to give you to help with your situation, but I do thank you for asking this question because now it has scared the crap out of me!

Depending on her income, she should be eligible thru state/county Aging and Disability dept. for someone to come in to help. She may have been okay up to now, but Alzheimer's gets progressively worse. Her dog cannot help her if something happens. You may also want to check into getting one of those medical alert systems, NOT Life Alert. They can tell if something is wrong, and she has button to wear if something happens. If she is an AARP member, you can get a discount on the one they promote and they don't have an annual fee or contract.

I know dementia is unpredictable, but I believe that you felt she was ok when you left.. And you will know when the time comes you are not comfortable with it.. They say every case is different.. I lived with my mother for six months and for the first three months I left her in her room coloring while I went shopping.. She uses a walker and is slow moving.. I wasn't concerned about wandering. We just had to place her because she has progressed so much.. the last three months I felt I could not leave her alone because she would not relax and was always up and messing around, trying to walk without her walker,, turning the sink on and leaving it on,, she would try and wash stuff and plug the sink and almost flooded her room.. Good luck with everything and God bless..

When the elderly lives by themselves,they have the right to do what they do as long as they are not a harm to themselves or others. I have read over and over on this thread since I came on last year June, of posters coming here seeking help on getting their parents to move in with them, in Assisted Living or Nursing Home. They have even called Adult Protective Service. They got visited but APS did not find anything amiss. They will step in if the elderly is practically dying or starving or fell and got hurt, etc... Until then, the elderlies have a right to live their own lives just like everyone else.

However, if you live with the elderly or vise versa, it's as if you have assumed responsibility for that person. So, if they get hurt, or are severely dehydrated, the doctor will want to know Why she is dehydrated, etc... I think it's a case by case basis..and depending how aggressive the authorities are in your area.

Here, the Attorney General has some Pet Projects that they go after ruthlessly: 1. Rape or Statutory Rape 2. Elder abuse/neglect 3. Domestic Violence. They go after people and try to get the maximum sentence.

It is dangerous to leave them home alone. A relative of mine found out how dangerous when his wife got out while he was at the store and she got hit by a car. Another friend left her mother alone and she went out in icy weather with no coat and got sick from exposure and had to be hospitalized. Anything can happen. You can place a free ad for someone to sit with her while you are out and name your price. You can also browse caretakers. Another idea is to hire a teenaged baby sitter. All he or she would need to do is be there and it would be less work than a baby or child plus you can get such a sitter cheap. I have often taken those I care for to the store with me for an outing and they love it.

You DO need to get out sometimes...and that's gonna take someone coming in to sit with Mom.
Lots of great advice posted here!

Mynuthouse:
Even if it's a "choose", when you caretake an elder in your home, who is there because they cannot fend safely for themselves anymore, YOU are now the adult, and are responsible for their safety.
IF OTH, the elder has their faculties, and is living there because they have minor impairments, they're probly safe left on their own for a bit.
The greater the elder's impairments, the greater your responsibility is for their safety--and the less you can leave them unattended. .

Echomom,
Have you contacted local groups, agencies or other, to see if there might be volunteers to come in and sit with her for a few hours?
Churches?
Senior Centers?
Area Agency on Aging?
Has hospice failed to offer any viable solutions? [if so, are they falling down on their jobs?]
Local Volunteer agencies can be blessings...and volunteers are free, if you can hook up with them--ask the local Chamber of Commerce to see what's near you.
Nursing students at local college?
Alzheimer's Daycare Centers?

How long has it been since Mom was re-evaluated for her needs?

If she's unsafe on her own, it might be time to consider admitting her to a facility--either Assisted Living, a Care Home, or a Nursing Home?
A new evaluation might reveal she might need to be admitted to at least a Care home or Assisted Living...maybe.
Or might qualify for Alzheimer's Daycare?

Those you called are probably "mandatory reporters";
that is, if someone tells them something that sounds remotely like there might be an endangered elder, they MUST report it to Adult Protective Services.
A great many Professional categories are Mandatory reporters if there is any hint of abuse to any age person--nurses, doctors, counselors, etc..

Sometimes, Protective Services folks go off half-cocked--they -must- err on side of caution. When APS calls, they present very forcefully & can be scary--it's their job.
What you were told is essentially true, about fines, jail, etc. ....
BUT, they cannot know how things are, unless there's a new in-home assessment.
That could work in your favor, to get more help caring for Mom.

BUT...you might want to get Social Service to do that updated evaluation of her situation, instead of APS--it's less stressful!

You can access for that via your closest Area Agency on Aging
--you might even find -other- helps for your situation, thru that agency.
I think Area Agency on Agency offices are in just about every County in the USA; they have great helps for doing elder care--even some legal.

Is that a home Mom owns or rents?
Have you set up plans for yourself, if Mom is moved to a facility, or when she dies?
Will it mean you lose shelter/food?
Do you depend on living in Mom's home?
What're your health issues, resources, needs?
THOSE need considered, too.

Caregivers: It's important to understand something:
There are virtually NO protections for Caregivers.

It has been relatively recent that elders got protections.
As with CPS, protectors act first, ask questions later, often, jumping to erroneous conclusions--then it's too late, as families get sucked into systems and programs that cannot respond properly in many cases, based on how rules are set at present.
IF a caregiver or anyone else contacts APS, they will 1st come out of their corners very aggressive towards the automatically suspected caregiver
--erring on side of caution, might mean they remove the elder from the home, lock up the caregiver, levy fines and ask questions later.

That INCLUDES Caregivers seeking help/protection from abusive elders attacking the caregiver.
We were told that by Social Services.
I called to find help when Mom's verbal attacks turned physical.
I couldn't handle it anymore.
There's no apparent help.
I was threatened with someone calling APS on ME for being an abuser
--& was told specifically: "there are no protections for caregivers".
The only solution, I was told, was that I got reported to APS as an elder abuser, even though I clearly stated it was Mom doing the hitting, choking, etc.
Made no difference to them, all they could hear was "abuse", which automatically translated in their system as "elder abuse".

It's a needed, yet Machiavellian system.
Caregivers need protected, too.

One thing that needs to happen:
Agencies responsible for proper evaluations of home situations need held responsible & accountable, too--it is too often due to poor evaluations, that so many caregivers and elders get left in terrible situations too long.

As with CPS: agencies & Social Workers & other professional staff, have mostly NOT been held accountable & responsible for their actions & interventions in family troubles--this is Country-wide.
It has only been in about the last 10 years or so, that ANY CPS agencies have been held accountable & responsible for their decisions & interventions in families.
APS, evidently, is no different.

Unless / Until more people demand States mandate authorities to be legally held accountable & responsible for their actions---as nurses, doctors, lawyers, etc., are held so, the systems will remain broken & failing many.

The hard part is, people are so varied, it is very tough for an outsider to really have clear understanding of what's going on in a home.
So the officer that does a Well-check at the house, might miss some pretty glaring things, or, might misinterpret what is going on there, OR, have a bad day and simply fail to write the report accurately---leading to incorrect reports & actions.
Same thing with Social Workers--we had 2 of them at our house, for 2 hours.... yet Mom manged to "showtime" them, so they failed to understand how bad things were.
They never got to see her room, massively hoard-filled by Mom's choice.
They failed to get it, that by her leaving the room to take breaks, she was able to gather her inner resources to keep up the show-timing behaviors.
Etc.
They failed to understand that I am disabled, in some ways fragile, so needed protection from Mom's behaviors.
ALL systems failed to diagnose Mom's mental ills--for decades, due to her ability to buffalo & avoid evaluation--families often blockaded a member being diagnosed as mentally ill in any way, related to stigma and troubles that could cause, as our systems handling that have been so impaired, for so long.

Moral of story:
==Make sure you have legal documents & systems in place to protect you the caregiver, & your elder.
==DOCUMENT daily conversations, activities, events--even one-liners on a calendar.
==Call 911 to report if your elder commits physical abuse on the caregiver--as soon as possible, so there is a record of it.
==Keep records of how much money gets spent, for what/who.
==Get pictures of injuries [whether caregiver or elder!]; report them to medical services so there are records.

The better your documentation, the easier time you have of covering your behind, if APS is called on you.
Documentation can help show what your elder's condition is--like, if the elder keeps calling to report you, social services will finally "get it" that the elder is demented and simply has access to a phone they can still work--and will enter that info in their system, too.

If you fear APS, it might be time for your elder to get moved into a facility.

I hope you get the helps needed, and that things come out properly !
Please keep us posted!

"If you fear APS, it might be time for your elder to get moved into a facility. " This is a very wise suggestion.
I take very good care of my Mother, but I too have been on the receiving end of hospital workers being overzealous about checking to see whether an elder admitted to emergency for any reason has been actually abused. Fortunately, my mother is alert and got them straightened out. But, you need to be aware that hospital workers and protective services have a mind-set that thinks anyone caring for an elder is a potential criminal/abuser.
If I found myself under serious threat like that, my mother would quickly be admitted to a nursing facility, period. Caregiving is stress enough. Then adding authorities riding your case and your good intentions of caring for your loved one becomes too much of a hassle.

sandfox,

Exactly so.
More's the Pity, the situation pushes us all towards mandated facility care for elders, rather than making more sensible helps available.

Placing elders into facilities feeds the monster insurance industries, as well as institutional care systems.

Only way I can see, to slow that train down, is if lots of people stand up on their hind legs, and get legislators to mandate that Social Workers, etc. staff in the CPS and APS systems, must be held responsible and accountable for their actions, as well as for their too often poor evaluations.

ALSO, we need to push for more realistic helps in-home.
As long as Industries involved are allowed to keep getting away with business as usual, home care will take a very under-served backseat.

Thank-you for those of you who have spoken up for the caregivers. Fortunately my mom does not wander because she can't walk anymore so YES my brother does leave her home when he does errands but he never stays out very long, usually only for a half hour at a time. The stores are all close by. If he has to do something that will take longer he waits until I come over to the house and then he leaves. I come over to help every 7 days and I stay for 2 days. If my mom were to stay with me I would either take her with me if I had to go marketing since the stores are further away OR I might wait until night time where I can put her to sleep first before leaving the house to run to the store. Screw APS and the Alzheimer's people. We had our mother in a NH for 2 months and the damn doctor kept changing her HBP pills and nearly killed her doing that. She ended up in hospital after that and they kept her sick sick sick all the time she was there. She is a lot better off with us than with them. We are not abusive to our mother. She is fed, hydrated, pottied, bathed, kept clean and recreated every day. In fact, we do a damn better job of caring for her than any NH or hospital could ever do. I dare any of these supposed "professionals" to challenge us.

kona,
You bet--very often, caregiving at home provides far better, more responsive care.
OTH, there are plenty people who never should be caregivers, for loads of reasons.
Those who can do a good job of it, should be paid something to do it, to cover costs, elder-sitters, help with care, any damages elders cause, extra costs to have them in home, etc.
IF that could happen, it -might- lighten the load on facilities that needed to care for those who have no good Home arrangement to go to.

I think Echomom is wanting some "time for herself" and would not want to have the task of taking her along when she (the caretaker) needs this time for herself. But I do suggest contacting your office of aging for assistance. And most times, depending on your mothers' income, she might get some re-imbursement for those services. Good luck.

My husband is in late stages of dementia and there is no way I could leave him home alone. I went thru locking the gate and putting child proof devices on the door so he couldn't get out but one day he did get out and went over the small wall out back and went looking for me. Neighbor found him and called me. After that I knew I couldn't leave him alone ever. A medical alert would not work as he would not know what to do with it. I do however, take him to Day Care twice a week for the day and this allows me time to shop, get my hair done etc. etc. Day Care of cheaper than a caregiver so this works for me. Many memory care facilities have a daycare so something you might want to look into. I would be careful about having just anyone come into the home because of all the problems that can occur. I don't have any family in town but if needed, I would ask a friend to help me out while I went to the store etc. I have also taken my husband in the wheel chair and done my shopping and he hold my items and feels like he is doing something for me. Just be careful about having strangers in your home. God Bless all of you caregivers, it is a tough job but it can be done.

wolflover,

Sure wish it was otherwise...but when I contacted our Area Agency on Aging, & other services, there was NOTHING to help pay for caregiving an elder, much less one who could -sorta- fend for themselves;
We were able to get -some- home health aids to help a bit when we hospiced Mom's DH here--because they were destitute, it was paid for by DSHS and Medicare.

But at -no- time were there any protections, reimbursements or any financial helps for us doing caregiving under our roof, from any agency.
Nor were there reimbursements for damages done to our house, lost wages, lost hours, extra utilities, extra fuel bills, extra food bills, nothing
---and especially nothing ever paid for lost relations, lost social life, lost ability to spend time with one's kids, etc..
Caregivers do it because we love our family, feel it's time to return the favor of being cared for--even if there was not much caring happening in our childhoods.
We usually feel "it's the right thing to do", even when it's probly not such a good idea; we stretch ourselves to try providing the needed caregiving.

I was flat-out told there were no programs to pay caregivers caring for relatives in the caregiver's home. Not from the State, not from Social Services, not from DSHS--nothing.
OTH, there are Caregivers classes, after which one can get a certificate to do caregiving--being a "nurses aid".
I am over-qualified, holding a greater license.
It still boiled down to us incurring greater expenses, etc., & not being able to earn income, because I was on duty at home 24/7 related to their needs and instabilities.

And, there is no such thing as reimbursement for health issues incurred by Caregivers -related to stresses caused by the elder[s] being cared for-,
-nor for physical damages the elder[s] might do to caregivers-.
So make sure you have your own insurance to cover injuries or illnesses, someone to step in to cover caregiving when you cannot be there--like if you get hospitalized, or have to see to other family issues at a distance, or if you simply need time off. [those elder-sitters are hard to find]
You'll need savings/resources to cover damages elders may cause to your home, or added expenses, or other medical bills caused to you or your spouse related to the Caregiving.
Make sure your own legal necessities are already set up...doing that in advance is just plain sensible.

It's long overdue for there to be some agency to pay Caregivers for services rendered--whether that person is an elder, a special needs kid or adult relative, a spouse, anyone.
I have no idea where those funds might come from--insurance sure doesn't cover it, & States are mostly broke; there's less than ever to draw on these days.

I'd suggest people clearly re-evaluate their own abilities & situations, -before- taking an elder in under their roof.
If you have illness, limitations, lack space, lack funds yourself, have to work, etc., then taking someone into your home may not be the best idea
...it might be time to have them moved to a facility, instead.

Gotta do the "risk: benefit ratio to see what's best for you.
It takes time, resources & lots of energy to be a martyr...most folks don't really know what that means, these days, anyway.
Is it worth the losses, impacts on your own family, health & resources?
OTH, there are more services & resources available than at any other time in history now.

Only a potential caregiver can choose what they are willing to go through, give up, lose.
When times get really tough while caregiving, be able to recall why you are doing this; be willing to re-evaluate your situation, and have other solutions you can use, if needed.
Always have backup plans--like setting up what's needed to move your elder to a facility, if necessary, ahead of need.
Know what your safety nets are.

This website is so great for finding solutions to all kinds of issues--if not solutions, then referrals to other places to find what's needed .
Spread the word so others might not make as many mistakes or suffer the problems we have!

I haven't seen that anyone has contacted the VA for help. If you are caring for a veteran, there is Aid and Assistance but yes, you have to qualify.

donnalee,

We got DH signed up to access VA medical.
We got our kid [also veteran] signed up to access VA medical.
V.A. Offices are slim and far between for most folks, though.
V.A. Clinics are usually out-sourced, contracted by other corporations.
Services Clinics offer/provide, may not be same as other V.A. Clinics.
Some Locations have better personnel/service quality than other locations.

IF one can wait a long period of time [average 2+ years?] for their case to percolate thru the system, they might be able to get VA disability stipend.
Start this process via the DVA. Ya might want to check to see what agency can most effectively get your application processed in your location--some offices volunteers have their own personal problems--meaning their hearts are willing, but not very effective at job.

If one can access a V.A. clinic or hospital, they can get appointments that are charged on a sliding scale per income....the less income, the lower the fees, down to -zero- copay. Same with supplies, meds.

BUT: NOTE:
V.A. pharmacy is NOT "Creditable" as a "Part D" drug coverage for Medicare. You STILL have to have a Creditable Part D coverage, to avoid paying fines for ever after for not having one.
HOWEVER, there ARE government programs to help pay hte premiums for Medicare & Part D premiums, administered through DSHS in each State.
You have to be low enough income to qualify for those. You might be told to go through Medicare, instead of DSHS, to access the program that helps pay premiums for Part D--OR, you will be given a few choices of various providers of those, that have "zero-premium" programs..
UNfortunately, there are so many insurance companies scamming the government, it's blinding.
You may be told "we can't tell you what the monthly premium will be, or if you qualify for the zero-premium program, until you get your first bill".
Also--warning:
A company called "SmartD Rx" took over loads of DSHS recipients Part D coverage, when States chose to drop covering that. Little notice was given to clients, then they committed a list of frauds, lited in their latest letter. . That company is "in the Cloud" [very low overhead], they got millions of dollars subsidies from Government to start up that business. Then they didn't pay claims and refused to interface with clients or government inquiries.
Their latest letter admitted to the frauds, then said "if you do nothing, you can stay with this program; if you want, you can seek other PArt D coverage elsewhere"...Sheesh!

It can be crazy making to deal with.

There is more psych access these days, than ever, but preferably, it's service related. There's group counseling for those with PTSD, and a spouse support group too for that.

For psych issues:
If someone is depressed, VA will, if asked, send out a "happy light"--it's a very bright light fixture, one sits in front of for at least 15 minutes daily, about 36" away from it, to help raise their serotonin levels.
The counselors we've encountered, are really nice, very helpful.
They seem to be non-judgmental in our office, and willing to work with those who choose trying alternatives to help themselves, if they want....but they don't generally suggest them--they still push pills first.

My DH entered the system related to chronic infection from an L&I case, and the VA docs have not been very helpful--but if things go real haywire, they will jump in. They only generate records, they will NOT write letters to support getting disability anywhere...but they'll send records.

Fairly recently, VA changed the rules for what constitutes "Homeless Veteran":
Now, if someone lives in an RV trailer, the VA considers them at risk, and "homeless " for their purposes.
THAT helps open up some other avenues of getting a veteran helped.
BUT...locations the VA may point to them parking their rig, may not be where the Veteran can tolerate living.

There are some programs for long-term care.

Hope that helps for now.

Once admitted to the VA Medical for services, there are a broad range of services in the system, depending on location, how great a military-related condition one has, and needs.
IF you are, or are caring for, a Veteran, PLEASE contact the nearest offices, to see what you can do for them within the VA Medical Systems.

Generally, one is signed into a single VA Facility for services.
If one needs services that facility doesn't have, they'll refer you to another VA facility, IF there's one anywhere in about 100 miles.
IF the facility you are signed up with, lacks those services, &/or, other facilities are too far away, or unavailable,
you may be referred out-of-system just as with other HMO's; in that case services are referred out to public providers, paid for by VA medical...colonoscopies, special stockings for reducing leg swelling....all kinds of things, might potentially be referred out by the VA office one is signed into.

VA Hospitals still have long-term patients in their wards.
There are also nursing home type facilities in some places.
You have to check to find what services are available in your area...or else, decide to access facilities farther away.

Please contact your nearest VA facility, to learn what they have that might help your needs!
The VA system can offer very good care---it also can have some pretty bad care--you HAVE to be your own member's best advocate!]

I am so pleased for all the info and comments. Another social service worker showed up here yesterday; he was assigned to me. My mother had another one for her who was here 2 weeks ago. The SS guy wanted to speak w/me privately, but my mom wanted to know who he was & why he was here. He told her that he was here to see me but did ask her how she was doing. Physically she can get around OK, slow, but sure. My Mom sat in the next room to try & hear the conversation. She does this all the time. The few times I can talk to anyone, I have to go outside to the garage as she listens to my conversations, with the few people I can speak with. She hit me w/her cane again last night after telling me that she thinks I am trying to move her out of her house, which is so untrue. The SS gave me a phone# to have someone from the county come out to evaluate what needs I have if I have to do shopping, etc. so have left a msg. for them to call me. I am now on HBP meds and my Dr. is concerned, me too! Possibly I could get someone to come in while I am gone on errands. I hope so as I also fear for my dog; she is terrified to stay here, and after I saw what my mom did to her, I just cannot leave her here w/out me. Thank you so much everyone for all the great feedback, at least I don't feel so isolated. God bless!

well that sounds positive Echo...I think, lol, I am a bit confused but I am sure it is me!!! Help is good!! Hang in there!

just my personal opinion about the V.A. They are good once you get into the system. But, I have never had much good service from a V.A. "clinic" operated by a private contractor. If I need help ASAP, I go directly to a V.A. hospital which I use as my main station. I avoid the V.A. clinics although they now penalize you for not using a local V.A. clinic by not giving you travel pay except for the mileage to the nearest V.A. clinic! What a rip! Some people have good luck with the clinics. I never have. Just my personal experience. Considering my particular condition, the local clinic will automatically refer me to a V.A. hospital for treatment anyways. So, to save time (and a lot of pain endurance) I go directly to a V.A. hospital, show my V.A. card and get immediate treatment.

It would be wise to know your laws on elderly abuse. If you knowingly leave your Alzheimer and/or dementia parent unattended you can be held accountable for your actions and it does carry jail time and/or fees. Any monies (SSI and/or pension) she may have need to be used for her care. Please contact the Council on Aging in your community.

Okay this is too much. I took this thankless caring job on so my mother would not end up in a nursing home! For my time and aggro, she has had me in a homeless shelter over night and had me surrounded by lovely social workers. The short of it is there is no case and they know it! Why are the ones who love and care responsible for the insanity of our parents, we are vulnerable to their craziness. Makes me realize that I would have done things a lot differently if I knew then what I know now. Of course if you know someone can not be left alone you wouldn't do it. I think it is just too much to say that you would be put in jail for that. Ah, I am just disgusted by the whole thing.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is unfortunate there are many of us today having to care for our parents/spouses because the cost of homes is more than people can afford and there are few free rides these days. The homes I have seen are understaffed and you have to be there daily to pick up the slack in order to be sure your loved one is taken care of and left clean. My husband with advanced dementia lives at home and attends day care during the week. A much cheaper way of having your parent/spouse cared for while you are out and about. My husband has been in rehabs for illnesses and I can't wait to get him out of there. They again are understaffed and if you are not there to feed, change and get them up, they often lay there in their mess. A very sad situation for those who once took such good care of us and made sure we had a good life. The job of caregiver is tough and people will often shy away because they don't understand. Try to love and understand what it is they are going thru. They certainly don't want to be sick or dependent on us. God Bless you and give you strength and courage for this journey.