Living alone at 83. Any advice?

Dear Tluther,
Isthisreallyreal has a really good point about your mothers care, I’ve read it a couple times, she couldn’t have said it better in my personal opinion, hope the best for you and family, just try not to get caught up in only your mothers wants, gotta look out for your health and well being too, hope this helps you, I learn a lot from these answers too, some really really good advice from some of these post, hang in there and the best of luck with your hard decisions.
David

Dear Tluther, I agree with Cdnreader 100%, my 82 yr old mother lives with me, she doesn’t get around too good, mostly sits in her recliner, has had some very bad falls within the past year, broke back, another time broke wrist, cracked ribs, goes on and on, I have major burnout and resentment, you might check into a independent living with optional increased care for the future health needs, memory care etc. I’m just going by my experience, it’s very very hard emotionally, I know I’m checking into my options as well, I hope this helps a little, take care of yourself too! You can’t help her if you and family are stressed to the hilt, I’m learning slowly to do that myself.

Exercise with arm weights to keep arm strength in case of falls. You have to be able to push yourself up.

Oops realized didn't really articulate myself well. Having diarrhea in public
is such a nuisance, my dad is eating better to avoid this situation, which is
awesome. The nurses and care team also keep eye on him to remind him
and he is much more receptive to their reminders than my own. That's what
I meant :|

Dad has explosive diarrhea from certain foods. One of the benefits from living
in a decent facility, ie one that has an abundance of social activities, good quality
dining room, food, other food options within facility etc is that he wants to get out
and socialize. Explosive diarrhea in a public place is a greater problem than in the
privacy of one's home. One of the benefits of a good quality facility or other
type of quality independent housing.

Other option is to create separate apartment in home with room for live in care when
necessary. Provided you have funds for this, as giving room and board to a caregiver
greatly reduce the monetary costs for care. Might cut down on the diarrhea drama
as well.

Also, it is the first time she has ever lived on her own and she been really happy having her own place.

My mother died seven years ago and my maiden aunt, who was her baby sister and living with her, had no where to go. She is 88 years old now and has been living in a nice one room efficiency apartment that is in a senior apartment residence for low income seniors. She is legally blind, and has hearing aides, but she is alert and keeps me up on the politics and weather. She is quite intelligent. I am now retired and have the ability to be her medicaid personal assistant to help her with cooking, shopping and vacuuming 3 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I make a small amount of money, but I was originally doing the care for free. The owners of the apartments have holiday dinners, monthly birthday cake parties for the seniors each month and there are services such as our senior bus which costs a dollar a ride to take seniors to the doctor. There are rooms available for low income residents. I am allowed to take my aunt to buy her groceries, doctor appointments etc. She has done well. Since she cannot identify people, I introduced her to the residents at the Mother's day tea last year, and always tell her who I am talking with, so she can join the conversation. She now goes down to sit in the living room to listen and join the conversation in the evening after checking her mail box. We are very fortunate to have a manager, staff and owners who care about the seniors at this apartment complex. Since the rooms open out to an enclosed carpeted hall, the lights are always on and bright so the seniors are less likely to fall. The apartments has a community room where there are movies shown in one area, eating area for the holiday meals and special events like the Father's Day luncheon for the men, and the living room. The chairs are nice and comfortable. She also has a Jitter bug phone that has a red button to hit if she has a crisis and someone will call her and get in touch with us. The phone opens up to the phone book and has my phone number come up first so it is easy for her to call as it is on speed dial. Hopefully, you may find something like this.

WOW Tothill....maybe read the thread next time. The house belongs to ME and I allowed my mother to move into it until we retired. We have now joined her in OUR home and are happy for her to stay with us but we need some more space. Here's another flash for you...I have talked to her about it and it just goes in a circle. She wants what we want, she wants to stay with us, she wants to live on her own, she wants an apartment, she wants to have a granny pod. Pick the day and she will give you a different answer. I appreciate the helpful answers and especially those that bothered to read the question and the responses. As for her diarrhea; it has been going on for 40 years. I'm sure some of the time she actually does have it - don't we all? But for the most part it is a tool she uses to manipulate the situation she is in. Who is going to ask you to leave your comfy tv chair if you might have explosive diarrhea all over the place? It has gotten her out of a lot of things and we have learned to just live our life around her, but since she only pretends to have it most of the time (and I know this for a fact) none of us have a lot of patience for the situation.

Why are you asking here and not asking your mother what she wants? Why did you move in with her?

I know I am late to this thread and I have not read all the replies yet. My Mum is 84 former mil is 83, both live in their own homes and are mentally fit, mil has some physical/medical issues, nothing she cannot manage or live with.

I have talked to Mum about downsizing in the future, her bedrooms are upstairs and her partner now has dementia, eventually he will need care. But for now, there is no reason for her to move anywhere. Mum still drives, volunteers are is a very busy woman.

Mil, mostly stays on the main floor of her townhouse. She broke her back awhile ago and has trouble managing the stairs. She had surgery last year and is about as good as she will get. She has talked for the last 5 years about moving, but nothing has come of it. She is eligible for free home support for housework etc, but chooses to pay a neighbour's daughter to help her out. She no longer drives, but has grocery delivery, taxi to get to the doctor and Rx delivery.

I guess I do not understand why your choosing to move in with her, means she has to move out?

TLuther my mom had chronic D for as long as I can remember. My mom's was largely caused by lactose intolerance. It would become even worse when she was upset about something. Ice cream, OMG! Have you had her checked for allergies?

When I was young, it was embarrassing to go into a store or gas station ahead of her to get a key for entry. Remembering this causes me stress, it was a very hard time for all of us. I also remember thinking there must be something she can do about it.

I found something that helped mom. Absolutely no dairy ever, there was still problems because she had a portion of her intestine removed when in her 30's. I started her on a quality probiotics, what a complete change in her bowel habits. Even had to take her to the ER a few times because she would get blocked up. In My mom's case she had the D all her adult life, I think the blockages were caused because her brain was so broken she did not know how to go.

Subguedjoy....we know she is faking it because she is. Im sorry for your anxiety issues, but I think after 40 years of observing my mom I know a fake when I see it. Hers only manifests when it is something someone else wants or needs. I’ve seen her pull it when I cooked something for dinner she didn’t want to eat, but managed to be “sick” in her room eating some of her stash of junk food. She is fine 200% of the time if it’s something she wants to do. Unfortunately with her, it’s been a lifelong journey of bad parenting and self absorption on her part with me trying to do the right thing by her.

Tluther, my ex didn't understand either. He always assumed I was faking it and that I just needed to force myself to do something and I'd be able to do it. Well, I'm no longer married to him. I'm married to someone who also has anxieties. He has different anxieties from me, but I understand it when he can't do something that I think is very simple, such as not being able to have a formal wedding and having to elope instead or not being able to go to my eldest daughter's wedding; and he understands it when I can't do something, such as teach a class. I used to try to force myself to try to control my anxieties. I believed that I could just push myself through it. I've even tried teaching classes in the past. But after my last severe colon flareup, which I got from being too stressed out after giving a few presentations, I'm just happy to be well enough to walk outside again.

You say your mom is faking it, but if she is stressed, then it's normal for the body to show manifestations. It would be highly abnormal for it not to. I have also found that as I age, my body has gotten even more sensitive to stress. After my last severe colon flareup, I can't even work anymore. It's just too stressful. Perhaps, when my body is stronger... 

I don't mean to imply I am trying to rush my mom off to a nursing home or anywhere else. I want her to be happy and I want us not to lose our minds. We enjoy the "good" days with her, but they are not as frequent as the bad days when she is testy, selfish and demanding. I am definitely leaning towards going with the bigger house. The ones we are looking at have either a master at one end of the house and the other bedrooms together or a split level with one bedroom down a few stairs and the rest up a few stairs. No matter what option we look at, mom will have her own bedroom/bathroom (she is unwilling to share a bath) and that will give us all some much needed breathing room. And yes, she does have anxiety, but 99% of the time the diarhhea is faked to get her out of a situation she finds stressful. It can be something as simple as her going to the grocery with me if she doesn't want to or a car trip to visit my sister. However, when she wants to go out she is perfectly able to go. That is how the junk food gets into the house; she drives herself to the store and buys it. This anxiety/diahrhea has been going on since I was 18 years old and I am 58 now. I know it is not ever going to change, but goodness all the things she has missed by allowing her anxiety to control her. Kids birthdays, sporting events, my wedding, and countless other family memories. Sad as it is to say, our son HAS to be our top priority and whatever decision we make will take him into account over my mother. So far both are able to co-exist with me being able to split my attention and time between them while working full time and trying to enjoy my grandchildren(with hubby's help) and I dread the day when mom needs more attention and care than I can give.

Tluther, after reading all the posts, including yours, I agree with looking long range. As sharp as your Mom is now. That can change in a short time. If you buy a bigger house, look for one with only one floor. Wide doorways. Roomy bathrooms. Even room for a walk in shower!!
If you start looking at AL places or IL places, they will already have these amenities built in! She will have the choice to be alone or visit with one person or whatever she wants to take part in. I would try to find one with a multiple care levels as others have said. Remember that a change in her life at this age may affect her all sorts of ways!! God Bless and yes, next year she wll be 84!

ORB8889 My folks lived on the farm and were unwilling to move!! And this was 11 miles from town. 1-2 miles from their nearest neighbor!! First we helped get the farm sold with the stipulation that they could live there till they found a house in town.
Then after being in town for almost 3 years, we were able to convince them that they needed AL. It was not easy. We already had the papers signed at the AL. The Dr.s had both said that the folks should not be living alone.. Then when they finally said OK we were able to make the transition rather quickly, before anyones' mind changed!! From the Farm straight to AL would not have been an option for them, though I think they may have been better off!! They had given, and this is key, DPOA to my brother about 3 years prior to them leaving the farm. So then the 4 of us 'kids' stayed in touch and 'in sync' as best as we could!!
Have no idea if this helps, I can tell you it is a process and can seem long. God Bless!!

MaryKathleen - no need to apologize. Your feelings are as valid as anybody else's, and your concerns don't appear totally unfounded. Any of us would be distressed to have family members trying to take over our lives when we're still perfectly capable of running them ourselves.

I want to apologize for my comments this morning. I had just had 2 days of one of my daughters telling me what I should do with our house if my husband dies before I do. Very stressful 2 days. Both of my daughters are crossing bridges that aren't even built yet, not only that but we aren't even to the canyon that they need to be built over.

Tluther, it sounds like your mom suffers from severe anxiety. 

People who suffer from severe anxiety really do get sick when they are anxious about something. They aren't faking it. They really are sick. I know. I used to get an extremely rapid heart rate that wouldn't return to normal. Now I get diarrhea, colon flareups, and extra-intestinal inflammation. My husband gets fevers, body aches, and a sore throat.

Try not to take it personally that your mom wants to be alone and can only handle family in small doses. My mom is the same.

If you are worried about your mom's health, then either hide all the junk food or keep it out of the house.

Yes, it probably will be easier for you if you all live in the same house. My MIL died and my husband and I have been helping my FIL out. It takes a lot of time to drive back and forth. Sometimes my husband has to drive over to "fix" the computer because the email client is no longer showing or the computer got unplugged. Things like that. We plan to move to a bigger house that will accommodate all of us.

I'd say to hire extra help, but if you can't afford it, then you can't afford it.

And yes, if you can't afford a Granny pad in the backyard, then you can't afford it.

MaryKathleen, That is wonderful that you are so capable of being in charge of your life. But unfortunately, many of the people here have loved ones and/or parents who are not able to do that.

My mom lived with my Dad since she was 21 and they married. He died 15 years ago and she is now 93. Dad always did the financial stuff and worked and Mom was a stay at home mom and took excellent care of the house/home and us 2 kids, (except for the NPD issues :)

However, when he died, my brother took care of the finances and was there for things needing to be done around the house. As my brother aged and was increasingly ill and passed away a few years ago, my Mom (in her mind) thinks she is fine to live alone and has been for a long while.

But since she came to stay with me last year for a week ( and neither of us said anything about going home), I could see her on a daily basis and realized she is not capable of driving safely. She has positional dizziness, and forgetful (not bad), and reaction time is not what it should be for driving. And she really shouldn't be "all alone" in a home in another town. And she had falls in her home and wouldn't tell anyone, because she was afraid of "being put in a home". She owns a home and car 3 hours away.

I think I am finally able to get through to her and may be starting the process to sell her car and home "soon". She has never been social, family was everything to her. No friends, no support in her "home" area.

It has been really difficult some of the time while she has been here, and I have done my share of spouting off in various posts, but all in all, she is my mom. And as someone who is very familiar with the ALF's and NH's in our area, I know that if ever down the road things get too tough, which ones are good and which aren't. But until she would have a bad fall or something else bad happens to her to change her otherwise good health, I want to have her here with me where I know she is safe and has someone to talk to and visit with.

And I am very fortunate as is she with very good health and mobility for 93, cane (won't use the walker, but likes the push carts in the stores), no dementia. She wants to be in charge of her life, but I do the bills and when she was in her home had constant conversations with her about not giving out information to people on the phone and not inviting the extra yard man into the house (didn't know him at all)..... so, many of the loved ones/parents are just not capable to "be in charge of their lives".

On the other hand, I am in my 60's, lost my husband 20 years ago and have HAD to be independent and work full-time and travel and hope like you, I can stay in charge of my life. I am not very social either outside of my job.... after being around people all day, I enjoy being home in the peace and quiet. I will not want to Iive with my children and would look forward to assisted living where there is social interaction available when I want it and when I need to leave my home.

So, I am sure that no one here thinks of their parents as pieces of furniture.... there is just a lot of frustration and difficult situations such as parents who were not good to their children and were terrible parents, yet those children are here trying to be supported in doing what they feel in their hearts they are supposed to do.

MaryKathleen - you make an important point although I winced a little hearing it. It may seem like people are talking about moving their parents around like pieces of furniture, but hopefully that's not the reality, at least in most cases. I know in my mother's case, it was her decision to move to the mobile home community. She could have stayed where she was, but she would not have had the amount of support she received by moving close to several of her daughters at the same time. She was happy to move as long as she still had her own place. She welcomed having the additional help from having more family members around. I've spoken to her many times about this and she has no regrets about moving.

In all honesty, my first choice would have been for her to go to assisted living. But that was not acceptable to her. When I say "I" moved my mother to the mobile home community, I don't mean that I insisted she do it but that I took the lead in finding the right house, working with the bank and insurance company and movers, packing up her place, etc. By the time we made the move she wasn't capable of taking care of all these things herself.

Wow! Lots of food for thought here. My mom has always wanted to be alone and have family in small doses. When we bought our current home; it was for retirement. Mom needed a place to go so we offered it to her. Alone 950 miles from us...it was her dream. When things changed and we found out we could move to our new home years sooner than anticipated; she was not happy as I had “promised” her she would be alone for 10 years. So isolating herself is nothing new. She hates people so she is NOT interested in any activities that involve people. I try to get her out a few times a month but then she will pull one of her diarrhea stunts and claim to be sick for days to avoid it. So I am certain she would cherish living alone. But the running back and forth would be a nightmare for us. She wants a granny pod in our backyard, but that’s beyond our budget and aesthetic. All she enjoys is sneakeating the junk food she buys when we are not home, spying on the neighbors and making up stories about them and watching 18 hours of tv per day. And it’s a shame because she has a lot of life left in her and could be spending it making memories.

Wow! a lot to think about here. It touched a raw nerve with me.

One thing that so far I don't think anyone has addressed. If you do the mobile home thing, if you don't own the land rents can/and do go up and up. When your mobile home gets old, you can't move it because no other park will accept it. So, you are stuck in a park paying rent that keeps going up and unable to move it. Just like an automobile, the value of your investment goes down each year, whereas houses usually don't. So, you probably won't be able to recoup your investment.

I will be 84 next month and I get cold chills when you "kids" start talking about what you are going to do with mom or dad, like we are pieces of furniture or something. I love my kids but no way do I want to live with either of them. I would rather be homeless. If I was your mother I would be staying in my room all the time too. No house is big enough for two women. It sounds like you moved into her house and took over. I drive, volunteer with the Sheriff's Department, shoot, belong to a sewing guild. I also belong to a senior exercise group that meets 3 days a week. I don't always make it all three days because of having other commitments. My husband has Alzheimer's and I have no idea how long I can keep doing these things. But, I do know this, I want to be in charge of my life.

What does your mom want to do and staying with you doesn't sound like an option.

I advise buying a larger home. Your mom is an introvert. She isn't interested in socializing with other people. Her family is her entire social structure. She will be devastated if she lost you.

Momsablessing, that sounds like my family when I was growing up, except there were 7 kids. Only one income, but it worked out more or less. Grandparents on both sides helped out financially and with some child care. I think it's just easier with kids. They play outside. They go to school. They can be sent to their rooms. They can be sent to their rooms without dinner if they don't clean their rooms, or for many other reasons. "Wait till your father comes home" is a real threat. Kids are used to being told what to do. Even in large numbers like we had, they don't revolt and try to take over the living situation. And, before you know it, the older kids are minding the younger ones, doing chores, helping with meals, running to the store around the corner to pick up bread and milk.

Elders have had a lifetime of being in control and many will try to assert that control in any environment. They want their own space and will try to take over your space to have that. They feel entitled to be catered to. They're not inclined to accept limitations and restrictions the way most kids do. Especially with their own kids, they feel entitled to take charge and assert their needs above all others.

One of my pet peeves about my mother is that she constantly interrupts me to do some task for her when she can see I'm in the middle of something else. Like when I enter her house and I'm unpacking the car and putting away the perishables and she immediately wants me to come clean up around her chair. I try to say "Ma, I'm a little busy here...." and she says "Yes but I need you to do this one thing." No sense whatsoever that she's dealing with another adult. Trust me, none of us 7 kids would have dreamed of behaving in such an imperious way with either of our parents. We'd have likely had our heads handed to us!

I am dealing with a similar issue as yourself with my 82 year old mom right now, although my mom had a traumatic fall.
My mom is not able to do as much because of 8 surgeries from her fall in the past two years. We try to convince her.. and her more elderly, younger husband, to consider moving from their cattle farm, but they refuse. 
As a daughter, my mom and her husband can barely drive, much less take care of their farm, so I feel helpless. I live in another state, so sometimes I have to be there for two months straight in order to help. It gets very difficult on my own body, helping do so much for my mom and her husband. 
We looked for Independent living places, and scoped out Assisted Living Facilities. Neither my mom, nor her husband will even consider moving, yet they know they can’t keep things up.
Mom refuses to have a caregiver come in to help because she is too stubborn & wants their independence. 
I get it, wanting independence, but you need to make a move BEFORE things get bad.
If I were you, I would find an Independent Living facility, that also has a Assisted Living Facility, and then offers an Alzheimer’s care attached too.
We were able to use the above sinerio with my 82 year old dad, and he blossomed in the Assisted Living Facility, and lived there for three years.
Daddy never had a lot of close friends growing up. But when dad was in the Assisted Living, lots of people became his friends. Dad felt he had a purpose in life at his Facility.
He felt like He was there to make people laugh & cut jokes.
My dad unfortunately had his organs shut down and passed.
But let me tell you, daddy was missed.
If you find a really good Assisted Living Facility that has fun activities, and Good Food ( that’s a big key,) then your mom would probably love it.
Hope this helps.
Now I need advice on how to get my mom and step- dad out of their home. Ha

This just made me think. How did we manage to share daily living when we were growing up? 5 kids, one profoundly disabled. Many trips to the hospital for my brother. Dad worked and traveled some. Stay at home mom. 4 bedrooms 1 bath. large yard. Dishes, diapers. cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work. Dad was in college when the first 3 of us were born, 11 months apart. My parents, as were my friends, were very active in our lives. PTA, trips, church, playing with us. They still had time for themselves to do things. I guess their lives were so full they didn't have time to think they were too busy or complain. No outside help. When things turned around I was sole caregiver for my mom, siblings lived out of state. I am so happy that I was able to see that my mom was well taken care of in the end. We had bought a house together long ago, didn't know then but it was a smart investment.

Is there a possibility of adding on to your current house. A lot of people are adding "mother-in-law" suites to their homes. You can make it like a small studio apartment with just a small living space, basic kitchen amenities and a bathroom. You might even want a seperate entrance. Might be cheaper than trying to buy a new house and gives your mom (and you) some privacy. Depending on the size of your lot maybe you can purchase a basic inexpensive tiny house or convert a shed or garage into a living space.

get the bigger home. she won`t always be sharp. lived it with my mom. at 88, a decision had to be made after a mild stroke. her cottage nor my home in another state was large enough for both of us. she ended up in assisted living where she was very unhappy and then a dementia care center where she died. now its too late for should of, could of, would of.....

my mom at that age enjoyed her independence. she lived in her own cottage in her best friends back yard. i lived in the next state. i would go every few weeks and stay for a few weeks. i would cook and stock her freezer with cooked foods and made sure her pantry was stocked up as well. we did things together as long as we could. at 88 her health was really declining, she had a stroke, dementia was setting in because of the stroke and her age and could no longer manage on her own. she went to assisted living briefly and then a dementia care center where she ceased living at 89 years old. so while the mobile home sounds good to you, if i would have had a bigger home, or she, we would have lived together til her demise. these are precious years for both of you. your mom is good now, but in a blink of an eye that will change, and she won`t be able to be alone and now what? make your decision wisely so there are no regrets for you in the end. could of, should of, would of is too late now......

Mom - 92 lives in a MH by herself. Moved there when she was 85. She had given up driving just prior to moving to the MH. We live close by. Many MH parks where we live are in the rural section of towns. There is nothing going on for my mother to take advantage of. No one there her age. She has out-lived so many people. Life is very quiet for a person who thrives on social activities. Just make sure that where ever she goes, that social interaction is very important. My mother is legally blind and is dependent now for activities outside the home. She can’t take advantage of buses that would come pick her up at home. She is too vulnerable out there on her own. If we had to do it over again, we would have pushed for asst living facility for her. Hindsight is 20/20. We are called to do everything that needs repair around her house too. It’s really not the best of situations for her. But all these things need to be written down and weighed as to the pros and cons of the reality of continued life in an independent situation.