So defeated. I met the love of my life two years ago and moved across the country to be with him. He lived with his father, but I understood this to be because he was single, and that we were going to find a place of our own to raise a family and grow old together.
Once here, I slowly began to realize that this wasn't going to be the case. This house is my husband's childhood home. It looks like it, too. His mother passed in 1993, god bless her, and it is like a museum of her. She was what I would call a light "hoarder" of nick nacks. They clutter every shelf in every room in the house, undusted and untouched since her death, random, ugly adhesive stickers mar otherwise pretty sliding glass doors with no sense of decorating rhyme or reason. Carpets are filthy, even her headbands, matted with decades of dust, still hang from knobs on my father-in-law's bathroom wall.
This is a house from the past, a house with a LOT of ghosts. My boyfriend has recounted horrifying things that happened here throughout his childhood because of his mother and father's turbulent relationship. It is amazing how those same horrible screaming behaviors seem to have gradually found their way into OUR relationship as well over time, when this is not the way I am and NOT the way I like to live.
My father-in-law has a rare blood cancer but is doing fine on that front. It is a mostly dormant cancer that will likely not affect his longevity. He demonstrates occasional dementia but is a very intelligent, highly-educated man who reads the NY Times every morning. He is 84.
He wakes up every morning and heads straight to his chair, expecting us to bring him a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee while he reads the paper. We are mainly responsible for providing and serving his meals, and taking his dirty dishes. He can do these things, mind you, it has just become a sort of expectation of his.
He also feels that this relationship consists of the three of us, or rather he and my boyfriend as the primary, me as the third. At least, that is how I feel. My relationship with my boyfriend has deteriorated over time, a huge factor being that we continue to live here. There is no real privacy except to retreat to my partner's small childhood room and close the door. I feel like I am in a prison!
We now have had a baby, who is 8 months old. The baby lives in the little room with us!
My father-in-law is so stuck in not moving forward. He won't let me remove the nick nacks to modernize the house or make it a cleaner place, everything is a throwback to the 60's and 70's (orange couch) but it won't ever change and he is thrilled with it. He hates the baby's swing, bouncy and other things being out in common areas yet we have no visitors and sometime these things save my life as a new mom. He likes to "position" himself in different areas that provide the best vantage points to the most places in the home so he can see much of where anyone goes and see what we do. He tends to watch shamelessly, which I consider nosy and rude. He honks his nose when he blows it, which is all the time. He passes long, horribly watery sounding gas in front of others and I am expected to have zero reaction out of politeness. I am supposed to care for him and his medical matters. I am supposed to solve every problem he works his way into. He is almost completely deaf yet wears hearing aids that scream feedback throughout the house. You must yell until you are hoarse for him to hear you. He is. ALWAYS. HERE. Always watching. Hyper-vigilant of the baby. The second he sees our baby even fuss, he over-reacts (not good for baby to get used to) and gets upset at me. He has antiquated notions of child rearing and inserts his opinions where they are not wanted (no, I am NOT going to stop breastfeeding at 6 months because you make a face and say that seems like "time to stop").
Did I mention that I moved here from my own home? I never would have come if I knew my life would have deteriorated to this.
THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. I HATE THIS HOUSE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!!!
It has been two years! Although I really love him, I am finding myself starting to resent my father-in-law for what I see as the obstacle to my relationship, my happiness, my freedom, etc. That seems so wrong and unfair to me (for me to blame him) that I am considering ending my relationship just to get away. I know this is all stemming from the frustration of the circumstances and would subside if I had my own place. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
My boyfriend and I are engaged. We are also expecting another child. His father has guilt-tripped him into staying here, or else my partner has some serious underlying issues related to his family and this house.
Either way, the time has come to go in one direction or another. This is consuming me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Do not blame this on an old man in an old house. Do not portray yourself as a victim. You are an adult and the first thing you need to do is admit you make bad decisions.
You have a child and another one on the way - those are your first priorities. Fiance is second and FIL is third.
In an ideal world FIL would either go into a seniors residence where his meals, laundry and cleaning are done for him or hire someone to come into the museum and attend to those things, while you, soon to be 4, find a place of your own not too far away.
The saddest thing of all is that you've brought one child into this mess and soon there will be another. Sounds harsh but have you stopped to consider what this unhealthy situation is doing and will be doing to them? Once they're toddling and running around he'll likely view them as a total nuisance and treat them accordingly.
You have to have a long talk with your boyfriend. Either he is prepared to leave and make you a proper family unit or you will leave and take the children, no ands, ifs or buts. You have to take a stand for the sake of the children if nothing else.