Follow
Share

Mom is 92, lives alone.Walks sometimes with walker, will drive to grocery store by herself.My step-father passed 5 years ago.I visit in mornings for an hour to hour and a half. My brother checks-in, different times and in the evening and frequently brings her lunch or portions for supper.We did the meals-on-wheels for a while but it forced her to be at home every day at a specific time.
She complains that no one comes to visit or grandkids only stop if my brother or I are there.
She doesn't like to be taken to family gatherings because no one talks to her or its too long of a day. Usually some reason.
My sister lives in Texas, we are in Ohio.Our sister and her husband come at least 3-4 times a year and stay for about a week to visit.
Right now I look the complaining as it comes, boredom and some lonelyness.I look at it as bonding time with my mom.
How do others deal with this kind of aging?

Coping with some of this myself, after moving to a new town aged 77. Being able to drive, I’ve found that the best option for me has been to join one or two of the weekly classes that are available for seniors here. Aqua-aerobics at the heated pool, ‘health and exercise’ issues in small group instruction sessions. Having a routine habit is a lot easier than having to make a special effort for a one-off event. After a few weeks, you learn people’s names and can invite yourself for a visit to them at home to look at something they have mentioned in the class. You can build up a ‘social group’, even if that wasn’t the purpose of the classes. It’s slow, but it works.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

I think when I’m 92 I will probably complain a lot too. It’s hard for me to imagine not being able to do the things that I’ve always enjoyed doing. It’s even harder to imagine completely losing my desire to do them. My mind buzzes, pleasantly, all day long with things I want to do or need to do. How will it feel to not have that stimulating buzz? Probably boring. And lonely. Just as you said. You seem to me to be very compassionate and intuitive.

I think you and your siblings are doing everything you can possibly do to keep your mom engaged and you’re doing it with a really lovely attitude.

How will I deal with this kind of aging? Well, I’m right on the cusp of this with my mom and I hope I deal with it with as much grace as you do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Peasuep
Report

There are phone services where volunteers call senior citizens just to chat. Check AARP to find out if there is one that would work for her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
Anxietynacy Sep 23, 2024
That's an amazing idea, I never new that. Thanks
(0)
Report
Your mother has the inevitable consequences of old age, boredom and loneliness come with the territory. It’s both unfixable and not on you to constantly try. She’s lived a long life, is dealing with health challenges, and whatever “happy” was for her is mostly over. Not your fault. The family is already in touch with her, visiting and including her. That’s all there is to do. She might benefit from a low dose of an antidepressant like Zoloft as my dad did in his last years, something to consider. You could encourage participation in senior center activities. But overall, this is simply where she is now, don’t take on feeling responsible for it
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

You have to just tell yourself over and over, that I'm doing the best that I can do.

Mom was complaining to me about loneliness today, I changed the subject to the fact that, loneliness is a national epidemic, and how covid didn't help.

She was trying to guilt me to come over more, and that guilt would of worked for me pre Aging care forum. Post aging care forum, it doesn't work anymore. I know that I'm doing the best I can do, and keep my mental and physical health, happiness, marriage, it all has to come first.

I didn't , make mom have a husband that forced her to have no friends and alienate her from everyone. I didn't force her to live in the country.
I didn't tell them she didn't need meals on Wheels, which would at least give her someone to say hi to.
I didn't not let her drive, so I could control her , my dad did that. Now she couldnt drive, but a few years ago she could have.

I want her in an AL, she won't sell her home, she won't move.

So why should I bring home that guilt? I don't and won't anymore, and that is making her more complaining, but I can't let it bother me.

I know in my heart that I am doing the very best that I can do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report

I guess it's just kind of sad when they can't/won't do much and are therefore bored and lonely. You and your brother are doing a LOT so just let her complaints roll off your back as much as possible.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to againx100
Report

You are doing a good job. Sometimes you have to ignore the comments.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to brandee
Report
Dmark412 Sep 23, 2024
Thanks, but I do need to give my older brother most of the credit.
I'm 71, he is 73 and we have a sister that is 68.

We invite her out to go along somewhere and she will go sometimes but it does make her tired.

She does get around pretty well. Her memory is off and on and sometimes struggles to find the right word.

Since my brother does a lot, I think I am more the sounding board with her. She'll say "don't say anything to anyone about this...."
So we seem to have conversations that are between us, and it does give her a chance to say what's on her mind.

She watches some TV, she will watch golf & football, some game shows.
She loves going to the casinos for short time to get out.

Her health is pretty good.
She had a small stroke about 1 yr ago but has recovered very well. We were there when that happened.

Thanks for responding.
(0)
Report
Wow, you are doing amazingly well. AMAZINGLY. I think mom's so lucky. RELATIVELY.
That said.................I am 82, an old retired RN with a partner 84. So listen up.
Firstly, ALL of our kids are having physical problems in their 60s that would preclude their taking on much of anything, including US. Their "other mom" is, like yours, in her 90s. Both my parents lived to their 90s. My brother to 85.
So..... I am well qualified to tell you that this is a time not of contentment, but of losses. One loss after another and I could start up top with thinning hair, bad ears and eyes, and go down to the toes with numbness. You don't need to hear it, because hey, you have MOM.

This is the way of it. Some of us go gently, trying to keep woes away from our kids and some of us rant on about each and every loss large, medium and small (to saying nothing of our rantings about "the state of the world"; as though it was ever in some BETTER state?!).

Just to repeat, you are doing great. So is she. Eventually there will be some call: "Do you know we have your mother here at Cedar Spring Hospital". That is unless YOU end up at Cedar Springs first! But until then on you go.
I admire you are doing it as a cohesive and caring family, because that's something so seldom seen here. Try to pick out the beauty and laughter kicking and screaming; you must have it to survive. My best to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

More social activities with her age group, it is known that being isolated from their generation can cause issues.

My mother was stubborn wouldn't move from her mountain home to FL where my brother & I live, she sat by herself watching game shows 24/7.

No doubt about it she was lonely and depressed. She finally had a slight stroke, she became afraid to be alone at night.

My brother and I scooped her up, moved her into an AL near us, she loves it, new friends, activities and no housework!

That was 5 years ago, she is now 99 and teaches sit down aerobics 3 times a week.

Sometimes this living in place thing is not what the media cracks it up to be.

Any county senior day care in your area, might be just what she needs.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to MeDolly
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter