Losing patience with My Father at 71. How do I become more understanding?

In caring for my mother for 4 years before her death in 2017, I found similar things happening. Arguments over nothing, silly expectations about how I loaded the dishwasher and drove the car, etc. I was sure she had dementia. But neurological testing and MRI's showed absolutely no dementia. What it did show was, according to the neurologist, "brain shrinkage commensurate to her age." I accepted the comment as a brush-off; the doctor really didn't want to delve into my mother's conditions because of her advanced age - which some doctors do. It took me 2 years to understand that "Brain Shrinkage" is actually a medical diagnosis. Over my life, younger or older, my mother taught me to be resourceful and to do my own search for answers and to be an educated consumer in all aspects of life and relationships. So...I finally went to the internet and searched many, many websites about brain shrinkage. That could be your father's condition, if it isn't anything else; when all other conditions have been ruled out. It is very simple to test for: an MRI. As I never believe everything I read on the internet, I read as much as I can find, and then as I come to some kind of better understanding as to what it is, I am able to form a better personal belief about the subject at hand. In my mother's case I did read about causes and possible courses of action to be taken for a more productive life for her. I will never sit back and say, "Oh, well. The doctor says this is normal when we age." Nonsense. Sometimes medication can mimic disease conditions in our bodies. Search it all out. Then come to a reasonable conclusion. You may not be able to help your elderly parent to make changes, but at least you can understand the inner workings of their possible condition. I am a relatively healthy 73. My mother died at 96 with a laundry list of physical limitations and cognitive decline in the area of judgement - leaving the front door open at all hours of the day for friends; giving her house and car keys to friends just in case of some unknown emergency; driving on the wrong side of the highway (age 62) because she insisted that the car coming toward us was actually going in our same direction; collecting a group of "follower-fake-friends" who were her grandchildren's ages, and who idolized her every word, believing that she was totally whole and together in her mind and body, and that her life was being interfered with unfairly by me, her daughter. Talk about stress! It was hard to manage these situations, but even though she would tell me nasty things and say how unreasonable I was, I eventually knew and accepted that she had a medical condition that she had no control over, and in her state of mind there was no way for me or anyone else to help direct her toward better lifestyle changes. It is very sad. The best thing to do is to protect ourselves so that we do not leave this same kind of final legacy for our own children to carry on our behalf.

Danny, I had the same problem with my late dad more than my late mom. It’s mostly because he was yelling at me when I tried to help him to think. Also, his hearing was terrible. I am disabled with speech difficulties, and he used to be patient with me before his dementia set in. So, I had to remember that and that made me feel like I had to do the same thing with him.

To avoid repeating yourself to your dad, you’d have to face him so he can focus on you and possibly reading your lips, and gestures. Just remember that he’s not going to be around any time and he needs reinsurance from you. You may want to have your dad to hire in home agency for awhile so that you can have a break.

Here is song that I just listened to and it is to the point. It’s called "Blank Stares".
youtu.be/PxEOWhspwEA

For me, I finally realized my loss of patience with my father was because I was mad at him for getting old. When he got confused, needed help in the bathroom, help eating, help with practically everything, I realized I was remembering him from when I was a boy, and he was in his prime. It was hard to comprehend the problems he was having at his age, 85, and it just plain made me mad, and I took it out on him. He's 89 now and we just had to place him in a care home.
My anger has subsided and I am not adverse to doing anything he needs. I visit him and still clean him up, bathe him, dress him, feed him, and do anything I can for him. The most important thing though is to let it go when I do the things above, getting him clean with a change of clothes, and he soils himself again.....I just fix him up again and let it go. I think I've finally been able to get rid of the anger, and replace it with compassion.

Just remember this could - in the future - be you - with the same unavoidable problems. Right now, please know he is not being this way to upset you. He is coping as best he can and hoping you will be kind. His lack of verbal chatter is a coping strategy so he won’t feel humiliated as often. He knows talking shines a light on his inevitable mistakes. He cannot help his behavior. So just treat him the way you hope others will someday treat you. What goes around - comes around.

And, just as important, get respite time for yourself - time when you don’t have to be his caregiver. If you are well cared for - it will help you care for him well too.

When I feel myself losing patience I try to remind myself that my mom is scared and confused and relying on me to help. I remember that she has not asked for this and that I have chosen to take this long walk with her. If there can be any good from this horrible journey we are on is that I have learned to be more patient and to appreciate the beauty of seeing things "for the first time" through her eyes, even if it really is the 20th time. She goes on a drive with me and will gasp in awe at a flashing red light and tell me she has never seen one before. I take a moment to look at the red light that I may have never noticed in that way prior to that moment. I have chosen to do this and I know that some day I will look back on this time with her and be so glad I did it. Among all the bad stuff, I am really hoarding some beautiful memories that I would never have had if I had not made this choice. So when I feel myself losing patience (which really is a very human thing to do. It is not fun repeating something for the gazillionth time - but it is the first time for her), I think of all these things and I take a moment to breathe.

You should take him to get a complete physical and also to a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there are some underlying factors going on with his health.

I am going through this same thing right now. I am 54 and my mother is 93 so she’s probably even more annoying that your situation. 8/13 I have my mother set to go to ALF for 10 days to give me respite. I am hoping this will change my outlook and my demeanor with her- I think it will. But I am just thoroughly annoyed with everything she does right now and she is on my last nerve. I think this will be the answer. You should try too!

First, you are not a bad person - you are simply a person.
My mom is 91; up until a year ago I would take her grocery shopping with me. It was a torturous experience! Just getting her out of the car was an ordeal and to walk across the street from the parking lot to the store...? Traffic would back up while she'd hesitate to look at something shiny on the pavement. I'd remind her that she was in the middle of the road and she'd start moving again. <sigh>

Personally, I try to treat irritations and aggravations as challenges for ME to overcome.
Going at a snail's pace through the aisles of the grocery store I would remind myself to take deep breaths. I would glance at the other shoppers hoping for eye contact and smile or nod. I live in South Carolina and people here are generally very gracious and cordial and so I found that many times they'd offer to help Mom with out-of-reach items. I realized that her 'disability' gave them a chance to practice kindness and seemed to give them a lift as much as their generosity gave her. I noticed a lot of other things. Mom's slowness helped me to slow down too.

Not at first, but eventually I started realizing how much I'd missed by simply rushing by. I found myself thinking over my life and realizing it's the 'little' moments that had come together to create the whole experience of my life. The very moments I was now treating as a burden or inconvenience.
It takes practice and it sure as heck didn't come natural but it has paid off.

It may help to let go of what you think you're suppose to do - don't feel like you're responsible for making conversation. If your dad isn't talking then rest in that silence. You didn't mention if he has early onset of dementia or an illness but if so then his silence maybe his way of dealing with confused thoughts or he could simply be comfortable in your presence and not feel the need to talk.

Coaching yourself not to be something, or to not act in some way, usually won't work because you are reacting normally but then - so is he. There are no rules for how a human acts when they age and so there can't be rules for how you react. You sound as if you care enough to try to be better than you are and that will carry you a long way.

"I wonder if this is normal with aging parents...?" Absolutely its normal and you are young and in unfamiliar territory, be patient with yourself too. This is another life experience to add to your 'portfolio'. And like every other experience that you want to do your best at, you'll find that it take practice and effort.

And for what its worth...I've been taking care of my mom for about 11 years - I still want to scream whenever I have to take her to an appointment because of her slowness. That is until I take a moment and really look at her and see how very hard it is for her to simply put one foot in front of the other - the way she leans into her rollator and has to pause to take a breath - the slight wince when a movement causes pain - the way she acts ashamed of her infirmity...and then she looks up at me and grins and says "Old age sure isn't for the faint-hearted."
We chuckle, and I remind myself that this 'trial' is only for a short time and at the end of the day I can still run, get my own food, shop for my own clothes, drive a car - live my life.

Take care of yourself.

Hi Danny. I understand what you're saying. My Dad is 84 (85 in November). We just lost my mom, his wife of 57 years, in February. 2 mos after that, he fell and broke his hip. Now he's going either use his walker or a cane for the rest of his life. He's hard of hearing and because his memory is kind of fuzzy he thinks we are all mumbling or whispering. When I talk loud, he complains that I am yelling at him. And now he has that slow pace because of his age and his hip. I cannot walk fast. So I ask him, do you want to stay in the car, or wait for me at such and such aisle or entrance. He has his cell phone and I have mine. But, and you have to laugh so that you don't cry, when I tried calling him one time, he COULDN'T hear the phone ring!!! The noise in the store -- cash registers ringing, people talking, noisy carts etc., so he is difficult. We didn't get along too much when I was younger, I was his rebellious child. Mom was our go between. Every day I have to remind myself, he doesn't want to be old, he doesn't want to be slow.
So just remember he's doing his best. And as some have advised maybe he needs to have a complete check up with his doctor. And don't be hard on yourself, you're trying your best too. My Dad has five sons and he's always asking if any of them called today. Imagine having five sons and only one can be depended on? So you are a good son, but you are human and these are trying times.

Sometimes I just try to pause and imagine if I was an outsider watching us. Then I realize it’s funny. Or I think about telling my cousin about this later and how it will be funny when I describe it. It usually helps to make light of it. By no means am I perfect but the more I work at it, the more I can let small things go. Also, consider what he’s thinking and feeling. Maybe he’s just trying to enjoy things more, maybe it takes his brain longer to process information than it used to, and maybe he’s not sure how to initiate conversation anymore or he’s unsure of himself. When he is gone one day, you will want back that time when he was slow at everything or he didn’t know how to make conversation. Its okay to feel frustrated and annoyed! What’s important is how you respond to your own feelings. And I really believe that learning to control your responses starts with practicing to look at things from different perspectives.

My mother died suddenly in May and I have taken in my father (90). I often get annoyed or frustrated when dealing with him.

I try to take a breath and remember that he isn't doing those irritating things on purpose. He honestly doesn't know what he's doing.

That doesn't make it any less irritating or annoying and I do still get frustrated. It does help me to put it in perspective though and I recall the words of my late mother "Just wait until you're old."

Sadly, this is a change in our lives we didn't expect and more than likely one our parents did not expect or give much thought to. My sister and I have been care givers to our parents, 92 and 88, for the last 5 years. We are so fortunate to have each other to share chores, share frustrations, vent with each other that usually ends up in laughter, which we felt guilty about, but ultimately if it didn't hurt anyone and lightened our moods, which was needed every moment, we lost the guilt.

Three weeks ago, we lost our mom to congestive heart failure, she was the toughest to care for as she had severe dementia, became combative, often mean, calling several times a day with the exact same requests, major bowel problems that resulted in us having to get a steam cleaner, wound care center visits once a week for the last 2 years, etc. To our brothers she was wonderful, then again when you only visit 2-3 times a month, yes, she was nice and they didn't understand why my sister and I were always griping, but I guess there was a reason we were the ones put into the situation.

Long story short, if at all possible, find someone to share and laugh about it all with, we could very well be in the same position soon ourselves, which is scary. My kids see what we have and still are going through with my dad, so I hope they don't, but if they do, they will be taking much of it in for themselves.

My sister and I would tell each other daily, mom was ready for not just her peace but ours, we felt bad as we thought we were being selfish, but we are only human. Now that she is gone, we are dealing with so many issues with dad, he says he wants to go and be with her, I believe in Christ, so that is only up to Him. I do know one this that is certain, I truly miss my mom, not the person she had become, but just my mom, the one that gave me life and raised me.

Good luck to anyone going through such difficult times.

12LittlePaws, you are spot on. My mom feels very humiliated and a burden when I have to help her in the bathroom, but I try to look at it as she was there for me, she knows what is happening to her, the sad part is she can't fix it like she use to fix everything. I fine myself thinking she didn't get to sign an application to have this horrible disease

You are not alone that's for sure! I am not a patient person and it was very difficult being a caregiver to my father, 87, with dementia. I kept praying for patience; but then someone told me to pray for compassion instead. It worked and made a world of difference. Yes, it can be very frustrating to repeat myself over and over again and to talk in a clear tone so that he doesn't feel that I'm yelling at him or whispering about him. He never remembers anything so he yells at me for not telling him things. It was difficult at the beginning...being called a liar; but I know I'm not. Understanding, Kindness, and Compassion...beautiful acts of love. I try to put myself in his shoes. What would I want and how would I want to be treated?

I think llamalover is onto something. Also, if possible, find an in person support group. I didn't have much patience with my mom, but found the support, advice, and camaraderie of others was very helpful

Oh dannyboy, you are singing my song. I love my Mom so very much. As well as my Dad, who has been gone a little while now. So I have been with my Mom 24/7 for the most part, and patience was such a torture for me. I did a lot of praying and being in God's word and I can truly say that my patience has gotten way better than in the beginning of this. Oh but it still hurts quite often. But, I manage it better, with the Lord's help. Because my human just wants to run away, but HE gives me strength to stay and do it right.
But, I am still human and everytime I take a step without HIM I fall flat on my face and mess things up. But, when I cling to HIM, I am able to be more patient and tolerant and compassionate and loving. But, even so my human still hurts in those areas, because I get weary. But, HE says don't grow weary in well doing, so I just keep trying to do better. But, practice makes better, never perfect but better. So just keep trying and don't give up, it will get better.
Rely on the Lord for strength. The fact that you love your Dad will keep you trying to do better. Don't kick yourself when you mess up, just remind yourself you want to do better and keep practicing. Best wishes, will keep you in my prayers. This is a tough labor of love. Doable but not for the faint hearted. stay strong.

More than 30 years ago I was shocked when an 8 year old nephew described me as "patient"... then I got to thinking about it. I was patient with my young nephews and people I viewed with some kind of a "problem" that made them less able to handle impatience - downs syndrome, emotional abuse victim, etc. I was almost never displayed much patience with anyone I thought of as an adult equal. I realized I "choose" to be patient which meant I also choose to be inpatient.

It wasn't really about all those things other people did to be annoying, it was about my chosen reaction. At first I worked on not displaying my reaction. I still felt annoyed but didn't give myself permission to take my feelings out on someone else. Then I worked on damping the feeling with logic and empathy - that older driver poking along at 20 mph on a beautiful sunny day might not see so good anymore and only drive on sunny days, 20 mph might be their "safe" speed, etc. That and a deep breathe helped me get over the angry annoyed feelings quicker. Eventually as I aged, some things that really set me off in my 20s didn't hardly bother me at all in my 40s. I'm not sure if getting older or exercising some self-discipline helps more, but I like being more emotional stable and not spending as much time feeling angry.

Controlling my temper and "annoyance" is still a struggle and I expect it always will be. Care giving combined with my own exhaustion and pain certainly strains my control often. I try disparately to keep my mouth shut and control my body language until the anger burns through, often taking some laundry or other item to another room or part of the house to gain the time needed. When I fail, I acknowledge and apologize for my bad behavior.

I lose patience with my dad, who is 20 yrs older than your dad, not because of his mental or physical decline, but because he's in a perpetual state of being irritated and annoyed. This isn't about aging for him, since he's always been this way. I can distinctly remember being a kid and having him act like absolutely everything we said or asked was the world's dumbest question or statement.

Even though this is a longtime behavioral issue for MY dad, it's very common for the elderly to become agitated and mean. So, it seems odd for someone to be upset about a lack of conversation when so many others would love to have some peace and quiet and moments without the complaining and agitation so common in the elderly. I'd suggest you use that quiet time to think carefully about why you resent him and to recognize that being slow is probably the single most common denominator in the aging process. NO one gets faster as they get past 60. Once you acknowledge that, ask yourself how you want others to treat you when it happens to you. That might help you get perspective.

Oh Gosh, my kids are your age (mid-30's), and they are often frustrated with me and I'm only 56, Lol! I think it might be a generational thing, you 30-somethings run at a fast pace, working so much into your lives, as you should be, we did too at your age! I really try not to put too many demands on their time, its their time now!

While your Dad is considerably older than I (18 years or so), you are going to need to slow down and meet him at his pace, and adjust as he becomes more fragile, and he will! Patience is something we all learn as we go, with our parents and all. You're doing fine!

Hi Dannyboy, you did not say whether or not your dad has been diagnosed with dementia or other issues. If not, I'd say 71 is quite young for these behaviors and if they were of sudden or rapid on-set I'd say he should be seen by a neurologist who specializes in memory disorders or perhaps a gerontologist. I'm 63 caring for my dad (89) who, thankfully, is cognitively fine, but we cared for my mother (at home) until she passed from Alz. I'm thinking that the more information you have about what is going on with your dad, the more patient you will become. It is not easy to deal with a disease like Alz. or other memory disorders but it helps if you know what can be expected. I wish you both the best of luck! Blessings Lindaz.

I find myself getting frustrated and impatient with my dad too. He's 92, I am 61. He moves slow and I find myself finishing his sentences for him because he can't think of the words fast enough. I'm going 100 miles an hour and I find I need to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. I take a deep breath and count to 10.