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Finally dad is ready, last week, we found a group home to move mom to. Dad is 2nd guessing the decision, mostly because of how much he wrote a check for. In our mind, it is not an option for mom to go back home, but dad is in charge. This article talks about boundaries, it hits on a few marks. We don't think it's an option to move mom again, and yet dad is calling the plan. AND dad calls us when mom is not doing well. We want to strengthen boundaries AND make sure mom is being taken care of well. Any other advice?

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mamahDe, please note that up to 40% of family caregivers, who take care of a love one full time, will die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds.


You may want to tell your Dad about that percentage, maybe then he will understand why it now takes a village to care for your Mom.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Stop helping
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Your dad may or may not change.
No older person wants to make these major life transitions.
While I realize we do not know the entire picture, these decisions must be made for the welfare of the person(s) involved. Leaving it up to your dad is how 'emergency' in-the-moment decisions must be made. And, then those decisions and needs cannot always be met in the moment.

Whatever leverage or legal authority you have now, use it.

If you do not have any legal authorization, consider :

Have an ind medical social worker or an elder care case manager talk to him if you cannot convince him of what needs to change.

It is certainly a plus that your dad is reconsidering his decisions due to finances.

Take care of your own emotional needs and health:
* exercise
* eat healthy
* get a massage
* lean on friends who are active listeners
* get support wherever you can
* keep a journal
* make time for fun and a relaxing bath

gena / touch matters
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The book Boundaries is available at bookstores and Amazon. It's by Cloud & Townsend.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Fast forward 10 years which is when I got dropped into my elderly parents care. I was DPOA for him and I used his money to pay for 24/7 care at home. It was extremely expensive and incredibly stressful for me. I chose to not live with them for my sanity and kept my job but it cost me my health and caused me extreme anxiety. Dad died at 94 at home, after 15 months on hospice. It was not a good journey. I now have 92 yo mother at home with caregivers most hours daily. She was no help with dad’s decisions good or bad, just left everything up to me. She comes across as charming to the public but was limited in any emotional support as my mother. Dysfunctional marriage. I have no siblings. I have my own life. My parents saved and lived frugally. I’m spending their money on caregivers for her now. She’s independent with ADLs and caregivers provide medication management and housekeeping and social support. They are what makes this work. I see mother twice a week and manage everything to do with her home and finances and oversee everything. My advice, consider your own life, first . Nobody else will. You can easily be assumed into caregiving by elderly parents, relatives, neighbors. I don’t think it does much good to have” hard talks “ with dad. I did that too. They never made any changes and when the crap hit the fan, it was on me. I would tell him, not discuss, in no uncertain terms, she stays at care home and he visits. Or, he can go live there too and you will help sell his house. There will be plenty of money to fund their care. You will not be involved in any caregiving. Or move away, and don’t be POA.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Thank you everyone for the replies.
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Reply to mamahDe
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All of the above are good answers. I would also point out that it can take a while (more than a week) for Mom to adjust. Moving her back (or back and forth) may not be good for anyone, especially her. Give her time. Also the point is well made that if something happens to your Dad (a fall, stroke etc.), Mom is currently in a safe place. Your Dad may be felling guilty but he has not abandoned his wife. He is doing what is best for her-her care and safety are more important than any guilt he may or may not have.
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Reply to gettingolder2
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Beethoven13 Jun 5, 2026
Or he’s cheap and feeling bad about the money this costs. Poster said he mostly feels bad about the check he wrote for her care. Maybe have him ask for a 10 percent discount if he pays 6 months in advance. He gets a deal and she stays where she belongs, with paid caregivers.
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"We want to strengthen boundaries AND make sure mom is being taken care of well. Any other advice?"

Read the book boundaries. Sit your father down and explain that you will not be assisting in his bad decisions like bringing mom home. If he can't get a refund from the care home, remind him of that. It's a good investment and he might as well make good use out of it.
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mamahDe Jun 4, 2026
What book are you referring to?
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Was your Dad struggling to care properly for your Mom? If not, and he is her PoA, he can take her back home BUT you need to make it very clear that you'll be monitoring the situation and if he's starting to burn our and/or her care is lacking then either she goes back to the facility, he hires in-home help (lots) or you will report the situation to APS. He shouldn't make the decision based on the cost. Who is going to take care of him when it's his turn? Does he assume his children will move him in or orbit around him to save a few bucks? When an elder seems irrational or "stubborn" it is usual a symptom of dementia.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If dad is mom’s POA for healthcare decisions and his mind is sound, he can decide where mom lives. If he chooses to bring her home, make it clear to him he must hire helpers for tasks he can’t handle. Let him know firmly you will not come to his rescue. It may take mom being not cared for in the way you’d prefer for dad to see this is a bad plan. But if you come rescue him and fix the problems he will never understand why he should have left her in professional care. The boundaries aren’t for mom and dad, they’re for you, you decide what you will and won’t do, what’s healthy and realistic for you, and do that, nothing more. No arguing, no justifying. I’m sorry dad doesn’t see the wisdom in knowing when he can’t handle things anymore, but that doesn’t mean his adult children become the answer
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