How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.

Question

How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.

Follow

Share

My Mom has always been pessimistic - she can think of the worst scenarios for a sunshiney day. Very negative. She is great for being 85. At her Home, she has musical programs, activities 2-3 times a day every day, personal care givers, beautiful room, everything she needs and more. She's 9 months in her 'Home' having fallen at home with my husband and I. The doctor's diagnosis from the Hospital put her in the Home to keep her safe as she has dementia (and did start fires on the stove at home). She is jealous of her neighbor's attention from the caregivers - the woman can't do anything for herself so 4 aids get her up and ready in the morning. My mother can go to the bathroom, get dressed, make her bed, move in her wheelchair anywhere in the Home - her poor neighbor can't do any of that - yet my mother scorns the attention her neighbor gets. My Mom was also angry about having to 'help' the 101 year old woman at her breakfast table opening her butter!!!! She said the people there are idiots and 'she's not' - very much lacking compassion for these ladies who have been nothing but nice to her. She says she wants out of the facility yet won't go when we try to take her somewhere. Underneath I know she is angry and wants to be home where my husband and I took care of her every whim for 10 years and I for the 20 years before my husband. We quite our jobs and moved in to help her as she has macular degeneration also. One day she is laughing about winning bingo that she wouldn't play previously because of her macular degeneration and the next day she wants God to take her and can't stand the 'sensations' in her shoulder (post surgery nerve damage and then shingles in the past). I don't go running because she will just puppy down with that - if I gave in and ran over there at every call - she would never have tried the Bingo which she has to start taking part in things for her own good. Whatever she does her stimulus is ANGER. She can't do ANYTHING good with a healthy and positive reason. She has a 'church' face and then the 'truth'. Does anyone else deal with a manipulative emotional blackmailer type of parent? My mother was totally codependent on us and me specifically her whole life. She always has to have someone to 'step' on to feel good - she doesn't know that everyone can be on the same level. Also she has no esteem and needs her 'stuff' - jewelry and all - to feel 'better than'. She lives for compliments and has an extremely shallow outlook. She has no off button - if you feed into filling her 'void' with compliments, gifts and attention, it doesn't last - it's a black hole with no bottom. Now, with the complication of her memory and perceptions - she is just in a dither and keeping herself stressed out and anxious. The nurses give her meds and let her eat in her room and stop in to talk - she has a psychiatrist visit every week - has depression and anxiety meds....she is determined to be miserable and just stays constantly 'anxious' and 'stressed' and changes like the wind if the minister stops in for a visit so this is how I know it's somewhat contrived for my benefit to keep me upset and in line. If it was real - I would fly there and move in if need be - however - I know it will do more harm than good and she will then continue her poor behaviors like she's been 'confirmed' - I, therefore, don't 'jump' or call the nurse or anything and she needs to deal with her attitude and damage she's done all by herself like an errant child or she'll never be any better. Thanks for listening. I know what's right - I have has IBS, heart issues, muscular back issues and shoulder surgery over the past years so am trying to manage the stress so do not want to succumb to her exaggerations babying her or she will never 'grow up' and start to adjust healthfully. Anyone have info on how you respond to this kind of stuff?

48 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

Can her doc get her on an anti-anxiety med,like Zoloft? It has worked wonders for my mom.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Remember: one of the major things to remember about dementia sufferers is that they do not make new memories, so they don't learn new things.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

so, desert, how and why were they treating her as if she did and how did they decide she didn't?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

and also btw, that's great! sounds like she's doing so good now!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Desert, I absolutely agree with you. Our parents have been responsible for themselves and want to continue as much as possible with a little safety net. They don't want to take over our lives or be a burden, so being able to give them their space while keeping an eye on them, gives them the best possible environment.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

CaregiverRob, you have a nice technique with your Grandma - validation and re-direct. I also have success when I do that and problems when I don't. Not a bad technique with everyone.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

My mom was on Ambien five years ago and I am not sure how long. I am sure that she would be dead now if we hadn't taken her off of it. We spent a winter together and that was when I realized that she was hallucinating, sleepwalking, babbling, a total mess. Google "problems with ambien." You won't believe what you read. I took her off of it when she dumped a cake onto the living room floor in the middle of the night (LOL).

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Repsect for drugs and their individual good and bad effects is essential. SO many good examples here.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Dementia is notoriously difficult to be definitive about. Most tests only definitively identify some dementias post mortem which is pretty unhelpful. My mums demetia vascular and alzheimer (so mixed dementia) falls into both categorie - the vascular is identifiable via scans but the alzheimer's is not. I live day to day with just a few meds - she needs them to exist - heart etc but only one dementia related drug donepezil and while her memory has imroved dramatically her sleep has gone to pot.

Caregiver Rob - love your approach when you visit your greandma. I am perhaos gonna be blasted for this but I am going to say it anyway. I simply cannot do that 24/7 - it is physically and mentall too draining forme and as I am the mainstay in all of this (OK my kids do visit sometimes) the bulk of it falls on me to do. Yes I get fed up, yes I get resentful that if I go out for an hour I get 2 days worth of earache - (so I stop going out). Yes I find it damned difficult that she is so utterly negative every second of every day. Yes I hate her telling me I am ugly and fat (nothing new there - I have always been that in her eyes). Yes I get peed off that she tells everyone how I spend her money (Well someone has to buy groceries etc and she cant). I have to say when mumm starts on the I wish god would take me - there is a part of me that thinks the same.

I hate that our respective country's drug companies are spending huge amounts on keeping us alive presumably so they can they sell the drugs they have devised to attempt to keep our brains alive too. I can only hope for euthenasia to become legal by the time I need it. God forbid that I should become the person my mother is

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Jude AH53,

You said it, sister!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Debsdaughter,I had her evaluated thoroughly,months before.Also,having been in geriatric nursing for over 20 years,I knew a lot of the signs.Plus,I went kinda nutso on Ambien myself,after using it a year.Embarrassingly so..The hospital treated her that way because it would have been easier than treating her for a HUGE mistake they made during her knee replacement.If they could have just kept her 'snowed',her decline,would have gotten even faster,and I have no doubt that she would have died.They gave her FIVE doses of Coumadin after her knee replacement.All at once.I stopped the nurse,and said" Um,are you sure? Can you double check those orders"? She smugly said,"Oh,and just what medical school did YOU go to ,doctor?haha" My only regret is that I didnt pursue it.Within minutes,she started throwing blood clots and her red blood cells were out of wack.Coma time.Gather the family,yadayadayada,my sister started passing the hat at her church,for her 'grief'{she didnt give a rats ass,except for money}. I stayed w.mom for 2 months and read all of the reports and questioned everyone.One day,I read an article about how the researchers had developed a compound out of certain venomous snake's poison.I pinned her doctor down,and asked him about it.he admitted that ,'well,yes,it was used,and with some success".I said,'well,its been almost 2 months,Im sorta willing to try anything,think its time? Or do I need to fly to S.America and get these snakes?".MY mom looked like a small flying squirrel in the hospital bed.SO,I talked them onto trying it.GUESS WHAT!!!!!Within 35 hours???Her red blood count was responding and she was getting better!!!The doctors were so proud of themselves!!!hah..I dont care who got the credit,as long as I got mom back.So a week later? I brought her to my home,where she has been for 3 years now.Happy,with a cool cat that adores her,and she him.SHE IS HEALTHY,EXCEPT FOR THE BUM KNEE,[WHEN SHE WAS IN A COMA,THEY NEGLECTED TO Exercise it,after all,she was 80...sigh...DOCTORS DO NOT CARE about seniors!!!All seniors need strong,hardass savvy advocate.i AM SURE THAT MY MOM WOULD BE A MEMORY NOW IF I HADNT BEEN A PUSHY BLOND KNOW IT ALL..Sorry about the caps,but my cats are hovering.My point is,DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!People NEED to feel like they are needed and have a purpose.More than they need any meds,almost.If any of you are going thru this? PLEASE contact me.I will talk you thru it,ok? Honestly? I feel like I saved my moms life.She gave up.They treated her lie a brain damaged indigent.It was easier that way,for them.I personally? Need her to be around for as long as possible.She is the absolute love of my life.MOst of the time? Im like her mom,but sometimes? I just want her snuggled up to me.I will never be able to live with myself f I let that go too easily.She is..my best friend.My soulmate.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

That would be my worry about euthanasia in a nutshell. Third party payors will find it cheaper than treating the ills of older people or people with disabilites who have reasons to want to live.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

We are our parents only advocate, hospitals only care about the bottom line, when my mother was in the hospital during pneumonia they never encouraged her to get up until I said do you think she could sit up in a chair a little bit, she had been flat on her back for almost 10 days. They assume she was an invalid at 84 she could have been and became one. Prior to that I could not keep her in bed. After that she never got out of bed on her own again. We tried therapy but she acted like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time they finally gave up. It became more and more difficult to deal with her stubbornness and she gave up. Now she has no choice to lay in bed wheel chairs cut off her circulation and now even gerry chairs are uncomfortable if she is in them too long. She is between a rock and a hard place. She has one foot also in the grave and one foot out not sure which way she is going when? Do not want to lose her but would like her out of her misery, she is causing all of us to be in her misery as well.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

wow, desert, oh my, I really think I was somewhat going through the same thing with my mom - or somebody wanted me to be, or rather wanted her to be, and me out of the picture; my uncle - her youngest brother - talked my dad into - and, yes, her doctor went along with it with no evaluation - getting him to prescribe Aricept for her, after them deciding she had dementia, with her continually complaining about how it made her feel, and this same doctor not wanting her to even have hip replacement surgery she'd been needing for 3 yrs. but he wouldn't give her the medical clearance the surgeon required, saying that, at 80, she was too old and frail; well, I guess so, if your hip was bone on bone causing constant pain with every step - even his nurse was upset about it and, without really knowing that was the cause, at least pushed him to sent her for PT, which is actually where they found that was the problem when they insisted on Xray before they would continue it caused her so much pain; they even then tried to keep on but finally even they started pushing her doctor but it wasn't until she finally fell and fractured it that he at least then did agree to evaluate her and did then clear her but then she was always prone to problems with anesthesia, not sure if that's what contributed to the "sundowner's" problems she had that nobody told me about, or at least that's what her doc said it was, though, looking back I'm not so sure, since she didn't seem to have it once she began to really come out of the anesthesia, or at least enough that she was getting up out of bed by herself when they said she wasn't supposed to be, trying to go to the bathroom while they wanted her to still have a catheter, supposedly easier to manage? and they didn't like it when I told them when she tried to pull it out; think they just wished I weren't there and they could just let her go, too; they did end up making me leave with - and had I only known - my uncle there - at least till the next day when I went back and they were trying to change all her meds but then not give her what she was begging for, when the doc had just been there, so we went and found him and got him back and he didn't have any problem but they were mad about it, then the next day they started bringing in paperwork; now, granted, by then she was wore out with everything they'd put her through so she just handed it off to dad, who just signed it without even looking at it, which should have alerted me more than it did and in spite of her being tired it did alert her; turned out it was to place her in a facility, which had not been the plan, but with no POA I couldn't do anything about it except go talk to the head nursing administrator, who, once again, said I would have to leave so they could talk to her themselves and see what she had to say - just so glad she was able and willing to tell them that that had not been the plan and that, no, that wasn't what she wanted, that that's what I was there for, was to take her home - so when got back her surgeon's nurse practioner came in, who I'd made all the arrangements with in the first place, and seemed so surprised to see me she just turned around and left coming back with the surgeon himself, who also seemed surprised, apparently he'd been told I'd gone home (being 5 hrs./2 state away) and had only been there for her surgery and hospital stay; when he learned I was there to also take her home, he didn't have any problem with it - turned out his NP went to church with my uncle's wife and they'd hatched up this whole other scheme. I stayed with her for 6 weeks.
But I'm curious about this whole red blood cell count thing with your mom because I went through that with my dad

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Debsdaughter.She was going to have a knee replaced,so the Dr told me to withhold her Coumadin,for 5 days.Which,I did.After the surgery,after she was back in her roomlater,about...5 hours,they came in and gave her her 'coumadin booster'..I ,having some knowledge of this subject,said"What""Are you sure? % doses??!!??" The nurse looked at me and smugly said,with a cute little giggle,"And what medical school did YOU go to ,Doctor?"..I just told her that I was surprised at the doseage.She then gave it to my mom and left.No doubht to mock me to her nurse buddies,all huddled over the latest issue of People at the Nurses Station...Not 20 minutes later,someone noticed that her hands were swelling!I looked,and they were,Asked the Nurse,and she said it was quite common for that o happen after surgery.Now,,Ive been in the medical field for like 20 years,right? And been with friends having surgery nd what not,but have NEVER seen this.She 'poo pooed' it..Within 2 hours,my mom was in ICU throwing massive blootr clots into her lungs...Blew out her Pancreas somehow...Grrrr...So,fast forward,2 months,and One day,I read about a substance made from the venomous snake's venom,that is now commonly used in conditions of patients not being able to keep their RBC up...I cornered the Dr.and asked him about it,and he said that"yeah,they do tat sometime'...I said,"Um,do you think this might be a good time to try? I mean,she is like a little squirrel in her bed,not eating,or communicating?' so he did.Th e next morning,I got the usual morning call about my moms progress{ I live 2 hours from the hospital",they were all excited bcz her RBC had come up "dramaticly"!!!!!!!! Really???!!! I think if she had been a younger person,they would have done it right away.The medical community is starting to have a secret agenda,ok,well,SOME of them,to just let old folks die...I know,I know,I sound like a nutty conspiracy theorist,but Everything Ive seen,and still AM seeing indicates this it true.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

desert, were you making that 2 hr. trip every day? kinda interesting, either that she wasn't already in the hospital or that my friend's dad is, that she said they're keeping him there to keep him off his Coumadin? then doc told another friend of mine fever was common after hip surgery so yea, but horrible about your mom but what about her pancreas? didn't think you could live without those....but was really wondering more about why was your mom not being able to keep her RBC up

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Risperdone helped my mother. She was having audio delusions. It was a nightmare. And, also paxil but she had been taking that so they just kept her on it and increased it. I'm glad your mom is better.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Faithfulness: yes, that is my mother also. Dementia is awful because it brings out the worst in the person you loved. Mom is now 100 and has passed through a lot of the stages and behaviors you describe in your mother. She has always been a negative complainer, and with that kind of personality it gets worse as they age because they thrive on the "half empty glass". Like your mother, Mom only cares what other people think and has a "church face" for the people in AL, but that is not what she presents to us. She too is very independent, caring for her own needs but refuses to shower, use a walker and doesn't want anyone to help her do anything. She appreciates nothing, enjoys nothing (activities, music, attention, food, etc) and complains, wants her house and furniture back. She is on Zoloft which helps somewhat as before she would spend hours torturing herself with worry and stress, writing little notes over and over obsessing about the same things over and over and she was getting verbally aggressive. Now she is "fading", her memory is receding and she is a sad little person who exists with no interest or the same few topics of conversation that remain in her mind. You might want to talk to the doctor about some meds to alleviate some of your mom's anger and feelings of sadness because of loss of independence. Between the dementia and loss of everything they knew, it is hard for them to cope. (I am NOT looking forward to that phase in life, and unfortunately we all get there, but handle it differently.)

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.

48 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions