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Been a while since I sought guidance. Mom, 88, vascular dementia, severe pulmonary hypertension, heart failure, severe macular degeneration. Myself and 3 sibs have been staying with her 24/7 in her 1 bedroom apartment. Thinks we moved her from her apartment into an identical one and wants an attorney to tell her it's all legal. Thinks there are at least two of each of us and that her real children have abandoned her. Recently kept goi g into the hall, knocking on neighbors doors, asking them to call police, call her daughter (me), cal. 911, etc. Finally came to a head on Saturday night, Sunday morning. My sister and I had her transported to the ED. She was admitted and social services consulted to begin the process of having her placed in a appropriate facility where she'll get the care she needs. At this point she has no clue where she is, who we are. All she wants is to get out of the hospital. I've beaten myself up over this decision, but in my heart I know it's best for Mom. Problem is, I'm PIA and now she is sooooo angry at me she doesn't want me around. Told the nurse when she was admitted that she had no idea who I was and wanted me out of her site. Nurses told my other sister I should probably not show up yesterday because all it would do is agitate her. I've spent the last 10 years trying to do the best for her. Have been her wheels, her eyes, her ears, her companion. Now she HATES me. Will likely hate me for the rest of her life. In the meantime, I have to make decisions for her. I'm trying my best to reconcile the situation, have gotten some sage advice ffrom family, have the support of my siblings, but have no idea how to heal my heart. Who else has gone through something similar? What coping mechanisms can you offer? Thanks in advance for your guidance.

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WearyinPit: Glad I could provide a temporary giggle. In regard to your mom being terrified, she may actually not be. Let's say due to medication and age, she's in a "sort of fog," hopefully. Oftentimes that happens to elders, allowing them to just sleep.
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Hang in there Weary
Hope your mama is not too terrified -

I don't know much about LBD but I had assumed that my mom's late stage bedridden roommate wasn't much aware of anything and then one evening a helicopter kept circling overhead and she said quite plainly - that's an airplane ! Poor woman has no family visiting that I've ever seen ....
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Haha! Llama lover - thanks for the much needed giggle. No, only one of us at a time was staying with Mom! Still, Mom thought there was always a houseful, between the on who was staying with her and all of the "others" that I sent there.

Spoke with the doctor who will care for her in the facility yesterday afternoon. She believes she has had this dementia for many years, it is now very advanced and only now the worst manifestations are coming to light. Due to her shuffling, paranoia, constant hallucinations, she believes that this is advanced Lewey Body dementia. I felt a bit better after speaking with her. I saw Mom yesterday and it just makes me so sad for her. She must be terrified. But doc assured she doesn't have as much awareness as we perceive her to have. I hope and pray that this is indeed true and that she is called "home" to put an and to her suffering.

Thank you all for your support.
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Wow, 5 of you in a one-bedroom apartment! Or in your LO'S mind that's ten persons! Oh dear, what an horrific situation. I feel for you. Her tremendously ill self is referring to you as "her" has to be very difficult on you. WearyinPit, massive (((( HUGS )))) coming your way from me! One thing to KNOW is that your mother's mind has gone, albeit it has to be so very difficult to be on the receiving end of such hurtful thoughts of a sick mind, your mom's.
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If she's in a safe place (assisted living, nursing home) - let them deal with her. Tell her doctor what's going on, she can get some medication to calm her down. You must realize, 'your mother' is gone. There is a living shell left behind that may rail at you, not know you, scream at you to take her home right now! You must not listen to this and try to reason, you are dealing with a damaged brain and NOTHING YOU DO IS GOING TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER. Get that? Your mother is gone. Leave her to the professionals to deal with. Go visit once in a while, bring a treat or stuffed animal or magazine, and try to have a nice visit. If she acts out and disturbs you, there is no one in the whole wide world who will demand you stay there and try to connect. Hon. Your job is done. Some dementia patients adapte and are 'pleasantly disoriented', some are mean old cranks like they've always been, and some are poor souls bellowing into the universe to let them 'go home' (which is not their last house, but their childhood home). I wish you luck, do not take it personally or argue - their brains are turning to mush.
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You really have to keep in mind AT ALL TIMES that this is not 'your mother' you're dealing with, it's the disease. Dementia can wreak such havoc on the person who's suffering and of course, they have no clue of what it's doing to them. It's the family and caregivers who are dealing with the fallout. My MIL is 84 and suffering from moderate dementia. My husband and I work outside the home and have a caregiver during the day so we do get a break. But when we come home, we take it one day at a time because we never know what mood we're going to deal with. She is basically easy to deal with but for no reason that 'mean' person will creep out for no reason. I think it's the desire to hold on to some independence that causes the lashing out when all you're trying to do is help. The biggest thing to remember is DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL....it really isn't. Hope things calm down for you soon!
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Weary,
I had to trick my mom (in stage 5 Alzheimer's) into going to a memory care unit. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt like I was the judge sentencing her to "life" in the nut house without the possibility of parole! I lied to her to get her in there but I spent the first night with her. She still had a bit of memory, so the next time I came, she went full speed and attacked me (I guess for putting her in there). The nurses had to pull her off me and I had nail marks in my skin. I took their advice and didn't call or visit for a month. I felt very guilty but leaving her alone really was the best decision I made. She forgot about it the next time I saw her. You have made a decision that NEEDED to be made, whether she likes it or approves of it or not.


My mother and I were never 'girlfriends'. She's a narcissist and resented me all my life, so I guess when she'd say she doesn't like me or that I'm mean to her and have abused her, I just ignore it. Put a wall around your heart and ignore the mean stuff. Blame it on her dementia. That's what it does to them. Believe in yourself, that you've done an excellent job and nobody could have done it better. If you believe in Heaven, we'll all see each other again in our 'normal' minds and personalities. Embrace the love that your friends and family members give you. Don't get depressed. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good at least once a week. Take someone with you when you visit her. Limit your visits to 1/2-1 hour to not tire either of you out. Hang in there, we're right beside you suffering the same stuff.
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I am sooo sorry to hear what you are going through. I know that it's not easy.

I'm just throwing a few suggestions out there for food for thought, although it's probably much more complicated than the following suggestions can remedy, but they are both definitely worth looking into....

1) someone else has already suggested that your mom be tested for a UTI. UrinaryTract Infections in the elderly can wreak havoc in their mental health, and cause them to have bazaar behavior.

2) You are probably already aware how important proper hydration is in the elderly. It's crucial that your mom always be properly hydrated.(My aunt who was "totally with it" at nearly 100 years old, would lose the ability to speak English when she wasn't hydrated. After a few cups of water she'd be able to speak again, but it always scared her)

Staying on top of the above two things made a world of difference when I had loved ones in rehabs and nursing homes. I often wondered why I was the one to be cognizant of those two issues.

Best wishes, hang in there, and make sure that you take care of yourself, too.
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Dear Weary,
Bless you for all you have done. Be happy that you do have a few family members that understand and at least help a little bit. It is possible that changes in medication such as sedation can help to calm your mother. For example, when my mother took ATIVAN she was extremely agitated. We stopped that and switched to SEROQUEL which works very well for her. So, please check with your doctors to see if changing meds will help. Something others have already said seems to be true. Even though her behavior may be hateful sometimes, they don't seem to remember a few days later. I know that YOU always remember and probably dread going to see her because you're not sure what to expect. But, WE remember because we don't have dementia and because we KNOW how hard we have worked to care for our mothers. So, of course, we feel abused and unappreciated. Take care of yourself, and forgive your mother when you can. This will pass, and you will be comforted in knowing that you did everything you could possibly imagine for her, even when she was no longer capable of knowing you or how much you did to take care of her. God bless you and keep you and your mom in his gentle care.
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No one prepares you for this horrible reality of caregiving.
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Doreen. Good advice. I discovered my mother behaved better when i was with my husband. So for a long while thats the only way i saw her. I also limited contact to once a week when we both took her out for a ride or a treat. I felt like i was treating my mother like a child, and in a way I do. I also learned, per suggestions here, to redirect her attention whenever hostilities were evident. I stopped trying to convince her of anything. I just changed the subject, often asking her a question.
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Weary:

Years ago, my mom hated me for months. She hated me - accused me of everything. I was devastated. Someone told me not to talk to her for awhile. It was difficult, but I didn't speak to her for about 4 months. She forgot all about it and was pleasant with me again. It may seem extreme, but when she was angry with me; she wouldn't speak to me anyway.

Try to stay away for awhile and see if she forgets. Then make sure most of your visits are pleasant. Avoiding agitation is key. Make sure your visits are pleasurable and fun - avoid discussing anything that would upset her. I would wait until she transition into her new place.
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WearyinPit You have been a remarkably wonderful Daughter to Your Mom, and have Cared so well for Her for ten years. Remember It's Your Mothers Illness that is making Her so agitated and confused. Just try to imagine how terrifying this must be for Your Mom. Rest Your mind at ease because no Person could have done more than You for Your Mom. Take a weeks holidays and head off for a well earned break, as this will give Your Mom time to adjust. Take good care of Yourself too, and We wish You well.
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I went through something similar with my mother this year. She was hateful to me. Accusations, etc. She knew exactly who i was though. She does not remember any of it. I feel for you and your pain. Remember that she is reaching out for you by asking people to call her daughter.
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Yes. Have read about Capgras. She has some many syndromes colliding right now it must be a war in her head. Between the Capgras, Charles bonnet and the vascular dementia.....my heart is breaking g for her the only consolation I have is that the docs say she doesn't remember these outbursts.

Hoping the dementia unit is the right place for her.
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cwillie has already expressed my thought on this -- look up Capgras syndrome. Your mother hates the imposter she thinks has taken your place.

There is no reason to assume this will go on for the rest of her life, but OMG how painful it must be for you now! Hang in there!
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MsMadge- sounds like a duplicate of my story. Have also been accused of stealing her money - that's because she hides it and doesn't remember where! I went into her room to see her yesterday in the hospital and the look of disdain on her face when she realized it was me was heartbreaking! I will update later But I fear it will be an ugly morning.

Thanks for the support!
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Babalou - "The UNBROKEN part of her brain trusts you. Hang on to that." I love that...best advice I've heard for everyone of us who's trying to help only to have our beloved parent morph into someone unpleasant, someone who we don't at all recognize, right before our eyes.
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Hang in there Weary
My mom is 93 and totally dependent upon me but since moving her to memory care 7 months ago she does turn on me but I know it's her frustration with being placed where she doesn't want to be - she accuses me of stealing her money and house and says I want her to die
We're in process of changing her anti-psychotic meds to help her agitation -
Let us know how it goes - there are many pour souls suffering - I had no idea until seeing it up close at her facility this year
God bless
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(((((((Hugs)))))))) and good thoughts!
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Weary in Pit, my MIL did not think she was in a nursing home, she thought she was still at assisted living. She thought the patio was a restaurant. Fortunately she had meds that made her feel positive and accepting. Hope you have the same.
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Thanks Babalou, tomorrow will be an Interesting day. They found a bed in a dementia unit in a place that is one we wanted. She think she's being discharged. She is, but not going "home". Will update sometime layer. Thanks all for your support.
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Weary, let the medical professionals- the doctors, nurses, therapists and social workers be the bearers of news to mom about what her care needs are. " Mom, the doctors say you need to be HERE right now until you get stronger. There's nothing WE can do about that. If you leave, your insurance / Medicare/ Medicaid will drop you ( this is a therapeutic fib. Use it liberally).
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WearyinPit - this almost sounds like a "mirror image" of my mom with me. My mother has had Alzheimers/Dementia for 6 years. Add to this she has very bad Cataracts, can barely see and they cannot remove the Cataracts because she cannot sit still for more than 10 Minutes! I had to take her from her apartment in Assisted Living about 5 years ago because she was getting physical with me and leaving the apartments at night. She was not even eating anymore. Notice I say " I " however I have one other brother and one sister! It took about 8 months for her to calm down in the Nursing Home, 8 hard months where she hated me desperately, smacked me , threatened me if I did not take her "home", etc. The Home did wonders with her and until June of 2016, when she started having falls, she was doing fine. She thought she had her own apartment as they had given her a single room. Since June she has been in and out of hospital between falls and passing out. Now they are ready to take her back, but in a room she will share. I KNOW it is going to be horrible for me - again. And for the Nursing Home and her roomate! She is progressing in her Dementia and is almost totally uncontrollable again and NASTY. I dread going thru this again - I keep telling myself - She is My Mother. If not for my son and my Sister in Law that help me out, I dont know what I would do as my brother and sister are useless. I dont even know if they can get her under control again! To cap this all off - growing up with my Mom was not easy at all - she had this horrendous temper, super strict and a total Control Freak to all of us. SHE had to be in charge of our lives. Now, at 85, this has become magnified. At times, I just visit her while she is yelling and screaming. I beg her to please try and act like a decent person for everyones sake and then I turn around and leave while she tells me to SHUT UP or GET OUT. Needless to saw, I have total sympathy with you regarding your situation. As they say "Been there and Done That AND Doing It Again!"
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We've had a couple of posts crop up about Capgas Syndrome, where someone believes their loved ones have been replaced by imposters. Imagine how scary it must be when you can't even trust those closest to you! It sounds as though your mom is lashing out at the "imposter", not you, and she is still looking for the "real" you for help and comfort.
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So, to the heal your heart part of your question?

It's bery hard. I think most of us try to remember the good times and the sensible people out mom's used to be. Sometimes, if my mother is arguing with me about the label on a medication, what the dictor ACTUALLY said or somesuch, I say aloud, or under my breath, "Mom, you taught me this!" We know deep down that we're doing out best, the best that THEY taught us. It's not about whether they are happy at any given moment. It's that they are being cared for, the best way we know how. Sometimes, that's the care of professionals.
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Have they checked her ammonia level? Sounds a lot like my mom when levels get even a little high.
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Weary, I'm so very sorry that you're going through this heartbreaking disease with your mom. It's gut wrenching. My mom isn't in as bad shape as yours is and I know how I suffer when she says the least little thing critical of me, when I'm trying SO hard for her.

But she IS telling the nurse "call my daughter". The UNBROKEN part of her brain trusts you. Hang on to that.

With proper care (she might have a UTI, need different psychiatric meds), we're going to hope she gets stable and recognizes you as the daughter she loves. Get her the help and treatment she needs first, and let's see what happens. Let us know how she (and you) are getting on.
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