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I'm 59 and mom is 89. I lived in Manhattan for almost 35 years and since both my parents needed more help, I started staying with them 4 nights per week - drs appts, medication management, etc. Once dad died 2.5 yrs ago, mom couldnt be left alone anymore. I still have my apartment in Manhattan but have stayed with her ever since. My mom and dad use to fight everyday ....we all thought, if dad died first, mom would relax...instead she got anxious and depressed.....who would have thought the fighting kept her going. Mom never complained about housework...for almost 60 yrs she did it all, food shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc - it was her job as she use to say. My mom and I never argued and she never yelled at me. Now that I'm here, trying my best to help with everything - she seems to get angry at me all the time. I do all the food shopping, help with cooking, help with luandry, take her to all drs appts, clean the house, and help her shower etc etc.....yet - she hates how I cook, hates how I clean, hates how I do laundry etc etc....she is so upset that she needs my help that she takes it out on me.....if I ask her if she needs help with dinner, she gets angry - if I dont ask her, she gets angry....I don't know what to do anymore - everything I do triggers her...she is in emotional and physical pain and has diabetes, heart failure and high BP plus can barely walk anymore - she is so angry that she can't do what she use to do....yet, she has me that is able and willing to help and yet she gets angry at me.....since covid struck, my brother, myself and mom have quarantined in moms home. I work PT but brother works ft and 12 hr days. He doesn't do much to help with anything and mom is a ray of sunshine when he is around and has never once yelled at him.......I am doing everything (and don't mind) and she takes out all her pain and suffering on me.....I try not to react but sometimes it's hard....yesterday she was cooking Sunday dinner - I set everything up before hand and she just had to cook.....I didn't ask her if she needed help since week before I did and she yelled at me.....my brother goes into kitchen and she was a ray of sunshine - he goes out...I go into kitchen and ask if she needs help (she was struggling to stand) and she yells at me and I was in SHOCK....I don't know what to do. I have spoken to her about this but nothing changes.....I guess I just have to be patient and realize she isn't really angry at me...I think? The last thing I want to do is remember fighting with my 89 yr old mother (who I love dearly) but I feel I became my father to her.....btw we all survived covid in nyc in March - mom was actually hospitalized...I feel it's such a miracle and that's why it's so upsetting to have her angry with me

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Go back to your apartment in Manhattan immediately. Tell your mother to call her golden child son for whatever she needs, and wish her well.

When she calls you, and she WILL call you, crying that she needs help and yada yada, THEN is the time to let her know that you're not a whipping post and will no longer tolerate the abusive behavior she's been dishing out. Then decide what you will and will not do for her, and draw up a set of boundaries. Days you will go over, things you will do for her, etc. And let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not accept ANY MORE yelling or abusive behavior from her. The minute she starts in on that, you are OUT of her house. Period. Then stick to your guns ALL the time. She will, in short order, understand that you mean business.

Until that showdown happens, she's in charge.

When people come here to tell you Oh This Is Your Mother And You Are Blessed And Lucky To Have Her In Your Life So Suck It Up, move on from those guilt inducing comments and take charge of YOUR life once again!

You can do this! Have faith in yourself and draw the line now, you deserve to.

GOOD LUCK!
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Unfortunately, many parents have ‘favorite’ children and take others for granted. It would be nice if your mom showed appreciation for all of your efforts.

I am glad that you kept your apartment. I know this situation is difficult for you. I am sure that you miss living in your apartment.

You sound very loving and caring but that doesn’t mean that you have to volunteer to be your mother’s doormat.

I am sorry that you went from getting along to her mistreating you. It seems like the frustration that she had with your father is now dumped on you.

Does she have money to hire help? Are there any facilities that she could go to?

Then you could go back to being a daughter instead of a caregiver. I know Covid has changed everything and it’s very unsettling but perhaps you could do some research.

It’s really hard when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I hope that you find a viable solution soon.
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Oh, really, now then!

Your reply makes me think you are righter! - and that part of what's going on might be that your mother feels freer to express herself with you than with brother.

Which I guess is - :/ sort of - a compliment. She can be herself with you. And unfortunately, as you point out, her inner self is going through a great deal of pain and suffering just now

Oliver James recommends what he terms "love bombing" with difficult adolescents - you send waves of love and approval over them, is the basic idea, and extinguish the flare ups. (He might be horrified at my very loose description, but that's the gist).

Have you tried anything soft but simple, such as "mother, I do understand how difficult (x) must be, but please don't yell at me."

I wonder if it might also be better (for not getting your head bitten off, anyway) to observe and give practical support as needed, but without comment. E.g., for a person struggling to stand, we would provide "minimal physical support" (you can get training in techniques for this) and/or place her stick/walking frame correctly - perhaps talking about it draws attention to the difficulty and makes her irritable. It's only an idea: you know your mother best.
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Mhillwt Nov 2020
you are right - she is more herself with me and able to let everything out but with my brother she is afraid to upset him...he is very shut down and doesnt communicate much......she is really a loving mother its just that the last 2 yrs with all the changes in her health, death of a spouse, etc - she is extremely upset...thank you
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I think you have an interesting insight, there - that your mother might have transferred her daily habit of conflict from your late father to you.

How did your father react? - did it get him down, or was this just their way of being?

I would agree with everyone's advice to call it a day and move back to your apartment, except that sure as eggs is eggs your mother will then be angry about that. Only, of course, you won't be having to live with it... There is that?

How did you and your mother interact before? Used you to have a reasonably good relationship?
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Mhillwt Nov 2020
My mom and I never fought ...she is the most loving person but her age , infirmities and dads death changed her....she is still very loving and caring towArds me but any little thing can set her off
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In agreement that you should go back to your apartment and let mom figure this out. You're not totally abandoning her, she has perfect son there to help her, right?

I am so often shocked by the abuse we as adults take from our elderly parents---well into our 60's and even 70's we fins ourselves kowtowing to angry parents.

My MIL is ike this--sweet as pie to her one daughter and hostile and angry to her 2 sons. There is no rhyme or reason for it. She divorced her DH so many years ago--but still gets a swivet about something he did or didn't do 70 years ago. It's hard for me (as a bystander) to listen to her harp on something that happened in 1928 for the love of pete!

Some people need a whipping post and they randomly choose one. When the one they had disappears--they usually find someone else. It's important in their lives to have someone to blame, complain about and even hate.

Don't let it be you anymore. Have a heart to heart w/brother and let him know how badly this is affecting you. Help him to find aides to come in and help during the time he's not home and walk away.

She will not change, sorry. At 89? She is about the 'best' she's going to be.
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I’m a male ... my mother has done everything for years w no complaint etc it’s just that old age and infirmary have made her agitated and angry .. this is not who she ever was .throughout my lifetime ...she is not able to hang the laundry or do food shopping or go to drs etc alone .. she is able to cook but gets aggravated because it exhausts her and when I ask to help she gets upset and when I don’t ask to hekp she gets upset akso .. it’s not about me but her loss of being independent and pain feee..btw we don’t have cleaning lady or aide due to covid risks
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I know exactly what you mean. I have almost exactly the same situation except I don't have an apartment to go back to. You do and should go. You took your father's place and became the one she takes it out on and fights with. Not your brother because you're an easier target for her. Don't let it be you. I know all about the 'ray of sunshine' and 'nice as pie' behavior when there's a male family member around. Be it a son, grandson, son-in-law, etc... Move out. Tell her that you will not tolerate the complaining, instigating, fighting and downright abusive behavior anymore. Also tell her that it's obvious to you that she does not want your help or your presence in her home anymore. Follow through and leave. Then do absolutely nothing for her for a while even if she calls and asks you. Let her get a taste of what life is like when you're not there to help her with everything. We've all heard kids referred to as ungrateful, spoiled brats when they behave badly. You've got an ungrateful, spoiled elderly brat on your hands. Do not help her with anything and do absolutely nothing for a while. It won't last long because your mother will realize as mine did they cannot get by without your help and they accept that fact. You are important too. Your life and feelings are important as well, and your whole world does not have be centered around trying to cater to an ingrate senior even if it is your mother. If you do this your relationship with her will improve. Then you and your mom will reach an Understanding (yes, I capitalize it). The Understanding is that mom no longer treats you as a doormat or as the lightening rod for her anger and rage. Then you come back and resume helping her so she doesn't end up in a nursing home.
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Time to go back to your apartment. Its very hard for two women to live together. Not that you have done this, but you may be disabling her. Maybe you try too hard. Since you have mentioned to Mom about the way she treats you and it has fallen on deaf ears, I would tell her you think you and she need a break. If she needs anything, your a phone call away. Leave when brother is around.

When you get home, start thinking about setting boundries. Brother is there so he must be capable of doing laundry. (I hope u weren't doing his) Him picking up odds and ends and you doing the weekly shopping. You can still take her to Dr. visits. How much cleaning do u need to do? I clean as I go. There are Swiffer products for dusting. Clorox wipes for wiping things down. Brother can at least straighten up. A lightweight vacuum or a electric broom for quickies. Maybe Mom can hire someone to do a deeper cleaning once a month. Maybe hire someone to make her breakfast and lunch and do light housekeeping. They are called Home Health aides.

The only way Mom is going to see she needs help, is to let her do. Its going to be hard at 89 but she needs to see that she is verbally abusing you and that you deserve to be respected. The only way she will realize that is for you not to be there. And if she asks for help, maybe just stay during the week and go home on weekends.

I would suggest a stool for her to sit on while getting dinner ready. My Aunt used to sit at the kitchen table peeling potatoes, etc. Let brother suggest it. I believe in using the person who seems to get thru.

Good luck and come back and tell us how things work out. We learn from each other.
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Do you do the cooking and cleaning for your brother? Why is he living there, too, if he isn't helping at all?
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How your mom is acting is most likely 97% not very closely related to you.

How your mom reacts to your brother is probably 97% not very closely related to you.

How angry depressed anxious distressed Mom is? Most likely her own struggles within the misery that has dropped into her life since the loss of your dad, fear of the unknown, and being part of the generation that just didn’t talk things out with “the kids”.

If you’re saying “being patient” and meaning “silently absorbing being treated like a naughty slave”, then No, that’s not your job as a good child.

But talking to another older woman, a doctor trained in geriatric care, a church person, a cleaning lady, (please add your own possibilities ........) SOMEONE ONE ELSE BESIDES YOU might help, and another thing that might work is a paid companion and another is a soothing carefully chosen small dose of medication.

What’s your brother’s take on this. Has he seen the kind of verbal interaction that (rightly) distresses you? What are his thoughts? Could HE intercede on your behalf?

There will come a time when she will troops the line between “.....independent but can’t be left alone....” and “needs consistent ongoing day to day care and support”. Since she is for all intents and purposes totally reliant on you for her “independence”, what will happen then?

Don’t forget that you are responsible for YOUR welfare as well as hers.
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Are you doing things FOR her that she can still do for herself?
Can she do the laundry? Sure it might take 3 hours for her and it takes you 1 hour BUT can she do it? If so let her do the laundry.
Can she clean? If so let her do what she can.
Can she cook? Or heat up a meal that might be in the freezer?
Is it safe for her to be in her house for a day or two by herself?
This is HER house not your house. You are a guest in her house.
As long as it is safe for you to do so I would back off as much as possible.
Yes you want to keep her safe but by doing everything for her you are taking away a bit of the independence that she has left.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2020
I disagree. She is not a guest in her house. She is an unpaid servant. If someone was a guest in a person's house and they treated them like this, they would leave at once. I know this kind of situation all too well unfortunately. The only way to improve it is to remove yourself from it and let the senior fend themselves for a while. By your absence they will have to humble themselves by asking for help from the usually male family members who do nothing but are used having their asses kissed by them. They learn that no one wants to fight with them and that their abusive behavior will not be tolerated. In some situations this has to happen. It's a good thing when it does because it improves the family relationships.
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If your mother is capable of being kind to one person and then verbally abusive to another, that’s proof she’s choosing to do this. No one needs another person to fight with, the fact that your parents did this throughout their marriage doesn’t justify her wanting to now do it with you. We truly do teach people how to treat us, and unfortunately you sticking around for this has taught mom she can treat you this way. Time to teach her a better way to treat you. Let her know your help is dependent on being treated with kindness and decency or you’re gone. And mean it. The minute the verbal abuse starts, leave, each and every time. You don’t need to justify or defend your choice in this, just know your not accepting this any longer. I wish you the best in making this better
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2020
Absolutely right.
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