Mom is facing the loss of her pet companion. Any suggestions or advice?

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Mom is facing the loss of her pet companion. Any suggestions or advice?

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My mother is 86 and she’s had a furry kitty companion for about five years now. He’s elderly and it looks like he’s got health issues and may not make it through the next 24 hours. She is prepared for euthanasia, but I know this is still going to be hard for her and I’m concerned about her well-being afterward. She has grieved over the loss of her son so the kitty has been a great comfort for her. Any suggestions or advice? I will be traveling to town to be with her to help at the vet so she doesn’t have to do go through it on her own. Any suggestions or advice for me to consider in the long term?

Grief Mental Health Pets

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This is really sad and I'm sure she'll miss the cat, but, I would take serious consideration before getting her another pet. Your profile says that she has dementia and as she progresses, it may not be feasible for her to provide care for another pet.

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Oh I’m so sorry! This is going to be so hard for you. Perhaps you can find a volunteer with a therapy cat or dog that can visit her weekly?

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I am a pet lover as is my whole family. It is always hard to lose a pet and your mother will grieve for the cat. Are there other pets in her community that could come visit her? Or are there any facility pets? Do they have pet therapy come to her building?

One quick thought, is there a vet that could come to her home? There is a wonderful vet in my community who does house calls and I have a few friends who have had her come to put down their cat or dog. It maybe less stressful for your mother than going to a busy clinic.

If going to a clinic is the only option ask about a late in the day appointment, it will be less busy and hopefully the vet will give you the choice of staying with the cat and remaining for a while afterwards. When we had Cassie euthanized, we were the last appointment of the day and we were allowed to stay with her during and after the procedure. It gave us time to say goodbye.

I am a terrible one to give advice on what to do moving forward. But I am young enough to have time for a long commitment to a pet. We have an agreement in my family that I will take in whatever dog Mum may have if she is no longer able to care for it.

But Mum does not have dementia, lives in her own home independently at age 85. Currently she has LeRoy a Pitty cross who is a delightful dog and gets along well with my two dogs and the cats. He is 8 now and is feeling aches and pains in his joints, but still a happy dog. When he goes, she may just borrow my dogs for visits, but if she gets another, I will be fully supporting her.

When Tucker died, I found her a senior dog who needed a home. Ginger was a beautiful dog who lived with Mum for almost 3 years, before she did not wake up one day. LeRoy joined her when she had Ginger and it was a blessing that he was there to help with the grieving process.

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Thank you!

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I am so sorry for all three of you. I’ve been through this too many times and it never gets easier. How to handle it depends on Mom’s level of cognition. If she is able to comprehend that her kitty is gone, go ahead with your plans to have her be there for the euthanasia. For both their sakes, this is the way to go. However, if she will not remember the experience, you’ll have to go through the euthanasia and then relive it each time, perhaps multiple times per day, when she asks where he is. In that case, it may be easier to do the deed yourself and then use the Therapeutic Fib, telling her he is at the vet getting a check-up.

I agree that getting her another cat may not be a good idea unless you have every intention of adopting the cat when she can no longer take care of it.

God Bless all three of you.

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I appreciate this, thank you!

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I forgot to mention that my mother has escalating dementia, histrionic personality disorder and suffers from chronic PTSD. From a distance I manage her finances and coordinated care, which she’s systematically fired and has been alone since a year now. I’ve taken care of her most of my life and recently took a step back and invited older brother and nephews to get involved and offer emotional support. Hope they will because I’m feeling quite drained, although I take time outs for myself and I live in another town. I know this situation is out of my control, so we’ll see how things go. I just don’t want to take on more than I can while I’m also in the midst of interviewing for a new job.

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I feel for her. Losing a pet is so difficult.

She will grieve. Tell her what my vet told me when I had to put my cat down. It really did make me feel better. He said to me that she was a wonderful pet to me when I needed a kitty to love and now it was my turn to be good to her by not allowing her to suffer. He was a great vet, then he handed me a box of tissue because he saw me starting to cry. She will cry and that’s okay. Obviously you care about her or you wouldn’t be asking for help to ease her pain. You’re a wonderful daughter to go with her to the vet.

I am so sorry about the loss of her son. I have brother who died too. A parent never wants to bury a child.

Maybe she will want another pet in time. Maybe she won’t. You’ll figure that part out by her cues.

Take care.

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Someone said to have therapy animals visit. That’s a great idea! It may be too much on her to care for another animal even though she may love having one.

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I really like this option and am talking to a few people who might interested.

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Thanks everyone for the helpful thoughts. I think first she’s going to need a break. I found an interesting option for her through hopalong.org. She’s always wanted to volunteer with animals at the SPCA or at a clinic. It seems this organization has a volunteer kitten adoption handling program at the pet store right around the corner from her home. This is supported by the local SPCA. They screen and interview all volunteers. This might be a nice 1xweek option for her in the future. For now I think she’ll want to take a break. I might even volunteer 1xweek :)

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What a great suggestion!!! And keep her involved in something! Good luck!

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I agree and thank you!

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I’m so sorry, it’s such a hars thing to go through. My husband has Alzheimer’s and had to go to a memory care facility. While he was still home he took in a family of four cats. Of course I had my two dogs and 1 cat. He was so attached to those cats that he took care of until he couldn’t but still loved them. Anyway, when he had to go somewhere because I couldn’t do it 24/7 anymore I got him this cat and it purrs, meows and rolls over. Responding when you touch it or walk by. He talks to it like it’s real. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2016/12/15/nyregion/robotic-therapy-cats-dementia.amp.html
i also have a therapy dog and take him in there. He is so loved by the residents they want him there all the time.

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A Pet is much like a Family Love d One, hun, And it is hard when they have to be Put to Sleep. With this going on on top of her other Sad Loss, Be there to Comfort her in this time of Need and tell her that Kitty is Now...With her Son, hun.

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I'm so sorry your Mom and you have to go through this. It is so heartbreaking to experience the loss of a pet. A little over a year ago, my Mom's cat had to be euthanized. We knew it was coming because it had a tumor on it's leg that came back after surgery. Seeing how devastated she was, we decided to get her another cat before the first one died. At first, that worked out well and she loved that cat almost as much as her first one. But, as many people have said here, it turned out not to be a very good idea in the long run. Over the last year as Mom's dementia got worse, the new cat was a source of anxiety because he liked to go outside and she didn't want him to. She also was having difficulty taking care of him, cleaning his box, etc. Fast forward to the beginning of this year when Mom moved to AL. The facility allowed pets but we decided to wait to see if she asked about him often before moving him in too. She hasn't asked about him once since moving. Fortunately, my brother took the cat to live with him. While everyone's dementia moves at a different pace, we had never thought it would only be a year before Mom couldn't live at home anymore when we got her the new cat. My sympathy to your Mom for her loss. Good luck to you.

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I’m so sorry...this is hard! I’ve had many cats over the years. First after the euthanasia make a little altar for him. Place his photo, collar and anything he liked playing with and a little candle by it. We always cremated our pets and would place the box of ashes there. Place a little vase of flowers or something pretty. This always comforted me.
Also there is a animated cat cuddly pet that is made and many people with dementia like them. They purr and meow and move their head. They like to be petted and brushed . I saw them on Amazon. A lot of people with dementia like them. Rather than get her another live cat you might consider one of these for her to hold on to as a comfort,
my condolences for her loss and sorrow.

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What happens to ashes later? After you die? Always wonder if people make arrangements for ashes when they die.

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Have you considered cremating the pet? She could still have him close to her with a picture. And suggest when her journey comes to an end you will bury her furbaby with her. Make a copy of the Rainbow Bridge.
beautiful poem.

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Another pet may not be a good idea but perhaps give her something to replace. Many elderly people have dolls or something else comforting.

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For the loss of a pet, there are pet grievance counselors. Ask the vet office , local SPCA, or Humane society for leads. The vet office staff may be able to do follow up phone calls for her support as well.
If she wants to be in the company of animals, sign her up at the local shelter to be a volunteer. This can keep her in touch with the comfort of animals, but she doesn't have to adopt. There are lots of volunteer things to do, from just socializing with the animals, to dog walking.
When she is ready, she may also consider being a foster home mom for adoptable kitties. All medical issues are covered. Talk to the local Humane society or SPCA about getting her on board. Information is also posted on their web sites.
All this helped me in the period after the loss of my long time kitty companion.

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Find a way for her to have visits with or own a pet. Can someone be paid to help with feeding, walking, vet visits? I am 81 and would literally fail fast without my 2 small dogs. I feed them, walk them when there’s no snow or ice, (and have help when there is) and pay for someone to help. Can someone be a live-in in exchange for some help with this? Or a daily visitor? I have both: when one is not available, I call on the other. Having furry critters is a top priority for me; it depends on what matters most to the person... best of luck to all who love pets as much as I do! 💕

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Hi Jacqueline,
My mom loves pets but can't take care of a live one. A social worker recently recommended that I get an animated cat for her. I did not know if she would really enjoyed it but to my surprise it was love at first sight ! She held it, played with it and laughed for more than an hour when I gave it to her. She still enjoys it and as soon as it starts purring , moving or making sounds she lights up , laughs and get all affectionate. It is made especially for the elderly.
Here is a link to a short video. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iiUp8SSVbiw
If you google Hasbro cat , you will be able to find more info and where to buy it.
It may be the second best thing for your mom, and she will not have the trouble to feed and clean .

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Yes I remember that my mom's roommate at the facility had one of the robotic cat, and it looked real. LOL

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When the time comes for your Mom’s beloved cat to cross the Rainbow Bridge . suggest she hold the cat during the procedure. Your Mom will not regret being with her companion knowing that her kitty knew she was there. It’s a source of comfort for your Mom knowing that she did not just walk away. It’s hard to do but it’s so worth it. Prayers

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Yes, I've lost many pets: a horse, dogs, cats, and being there for them at the end is so hard but so worth it!

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As others have said, if/when she is ready, she could foster another cat, adopt an older cat, or volunteer to go into a rescue and just interact with their cats. All of those things are needed, it just depends on the level of care your mother can handle at age 86.

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I'm sorry you have to go through this as well as sorry your mom is losing a beloved pet. We have been down this path and whatever you do; don't get her another pet. When my 80 year old mother had to put her elderly dog down; my sister started immediately harping at her to get another dog. She felt it would keep Mom from wanting attention from her so she nagged and pushed and finally offered to pay for the puppy and then micro managed what kind. Fast forward almost 4 years and Mom lives with us with her completely untrained hellion dog. Mom was NOT equipped to deal with a puppy and so had not taught her anything and she is of a stubborn breed that does as she pleases. Luckily she lives in an apartment in our garage so we get some respite from this hell hound. My husband and I know that one day my mom will either die or go into a NH and WE will be stuck with this horror. It's a sobering thought. I guess we could give the dog to a rescue, but our dogs are from rescues and it is just our bad luck that my sister is so self-serving she had to do this. I am thinking of putting the dog in my car; driving the 18 hours to my sister's house and dropping the dog on her lawn. LOL; that thought keeps me from going insane with the knowledge of what is to come.

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Love the idea of helping at a cat adoption facility and therapy animals. Agree that a new pet may be too much, but she could do something very simple, like a beta fish. Easy care, not under foot. They are beautiful colors and fun to watch.

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My mom and I volunteered at a cat shelter for 12 years, two Saturdays a month. Mom even took litters of kittens in for foster care when she was still able (she is not anymore). Anyway, it was challenging at time and sad at times, but extremely rewarding. Some older ladies who could not do physical work would come in once a week and tend to the laundry, or pet and visit, socialize kittens, there are a lot of different and meaningful roles to play at an animal shelter. Back then my grandma was still alive and she even sewed things for the shelter to sell at their fund raisers.

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That’s so sweet.

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I would go and get another kitten/matured cat (from the Humane Society) now before the older cat dies. This way your mom can focus on the new kitty afterwards.

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Thank you again everyone for your kind thoughts and suggestions. I think this is a relief for my mother and with the care of the elderly cat. She does not want another right away, in fact, she’s very stoic about taking everything in and seeing this as a new beginning. I’m very proud of her and encourage her to let the tears roll if they happen. Pets are family and we grieve for their loss. After the euthanasia we went back to her apartment and I shared a cultural Facebook group with her (I NEVER use FB anymore, but in this case, yes) She does not use the computer and was so amazed at the information and to connect with others from that culture and period long ago. She’s always been interested in learning about other cultures and now she’s motivated to learn more about the Internet. I encourage her and on Saturday I will return with my old tablet and teach her how to “drive” the little machine no purchasing or private info, just books, browsing, music and FaceTime with family. I think she’s also excited about spending time with me as our relationship has been very rocky and this process is like bridge for us too. It’s new beginnings on different levels. As for substituting the loss of a pet with another now, she is clear, it is too soon, and understands what options are available to her later :) I asked family members to step up and make a point of being in contact with her more regularly, even if it’s just a 10 second voice message. I already informed her doctors and her therapist to let them know and have received an ESA letter just in case she decides to have another kitty down the road. I think it’s important to give her space and allow her to make her own choices. At the vet, I brought a pretty small box so that she took home tufts of the kitties beautiful Persian hair and we made a paw print to also insert in the box, along with other special kitty mementos she can add later. (This also saved an enormous cost over cremation and receiving ashes!)

Thank you all for your suggestions and I wish you all the very best.

Be strong, be kind at heart and be fearless. ❤️

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Robinr, most vets offer the option of a group burial in a mass grave. This is a less expensive option than cremation and having the cremains returned to the owner. I’ve done this with all my animals. This was a beloved fur baby. I doubt seriously if the OP and her mother would have allowed the kitty to be simply tossed in the trash.

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So this is a really nutty idea but rather than to take on the care of a live pet, you could consider a robotic pet for your Mom. They are all the rage in Japan and I've seen some videos of their use in the US. Just search on Youtube.com using the keyword, "robotic animals for the elderly." Hasbro has a line of robotic pets. Just a thought ...

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I am so sorry about the dear little furbaby. This is so heartbreaking, to me one of the worst things that can happen to someone who loves their pet(s) and animals. I became disabled and was forced to find homes for all of mine except one kitty. He lived with me for l5 years before cancer got him -his last years were in a health care facility with me. I now have a new kitty I love and I will be 86. Here are my thoughts. Animals have short lives and it can literally destroy someone when you lose one (it did for me) and in some cases I would think it the very best to get another one immediately - you will miss the angel pet but you will love the new one and it will love you - this is a good bridge to keeping one's sanity. But there must be certain conditions. First, whoever takes on another pet (at 86 an older adult cat would be wonderful) must first of all be mentally and physically able to take care of the pet. Second, immediately, concrete plans and agreements, without any doubts, must be made for someone to step up to the plate and take the pet if something happens to the 86 year old senior. Then, and only then, would I suggest another pet at this age. I am disabled but extremely active, still work two jobs that I love (50 years for one and l4 years for the other) and I am completely mentally with it. But the day my new kitty came home to the facility I am in, I made absolutely strict and complete arrangements for the care of my kitty if something happened to me - this means the veterinary hospital in case of illness or injury and three people who will immediately step in and adopt my kitty. Unless you do this, I would try to somehow get her involved in volunteer work working with the animals - like talking to them and helping to socialize them, without the responsibility of adopting one.

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You are an inspiration to us all! Kudos!!!

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Fostering maybe or adopt a senior cat

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Oh, I feel for her. I am still mourning the death of my favorite dog and she has been gone over 2 years now. It's so hard, and I think it gets harder as we get older.

I know one person suggested having your mom be there when her cat was put to sleep, but I would follow your mom's lead on that. I simply can't be there when my pets are put to sleep. Another family member is always there for them, but I lose my mind and sometimes get chest pains.

I will pray that your mom will find some comfort in the good memories she has with her beloved kitty.

There was a story online about a retired gentleman who volunteered at a cat rescue facility. He would just sit on a couch and pet the kitties or let them snuggle up next to him while he and the kitties took "cat naps". These places love having people come in and give the animals human contact. You haven't said what your mom's physical condition is, but perhaps she could do something like that.

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Get her a senior cat.

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Mom is facing the loss of her pet companion. Any suggestions or advice?

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