My Mom keeps saying that she wants to go home. How do we respond without upsetting her?

I have worked in an ALF memory cqre unit and one of the fiblets 2 families used about not being able to go home was that the house was being being "worked on"....needed a new boiler, basement had flooded, needed new plumbing.....and can't go home until its done...

what are you actually trying to deal with? I wouldn't think your brother-in-law would have POA; does his wife, your sister, I'm assuming? what caused the scarring on your mom's eyes? otherwise, sounds like you're doing the best you can; I got into a similar situation going to visit just somebody I knew, but actually not very well; I actually was going to visit someone else there but decided while I was there I would try to see her and she tried the same thing and I had to handle it the same way; it somewhat bothered me as well but I just had to realize that was just the way it was; it's somewhat of a bad situation as well, or maybe worse, because her only child, her daughter, doesn't even live in the same state. Is your mom in a memory care unit? this isn't quite the same thing because of where your mom is - or maybe it could be, hm...- anyway my dad was able to be at home - long story, not guiltripping you, I wasn't with him, but he did have a family member who could be - and had a bathroom in his room but he got to where he wouldn't use that one but the one at the end of the hall, right outside his bedroom door - hadn't really thought about this, but it was more the arrangement of the house he'd lived in before that I grew up in before he bought the one he was living in, so now I'm thinking that's what it reminded him of, as in thinking really that that's where he was, so now I'm wondering would there not be a bathroom outside of her room that she might could be taken to? that might possibly help the whole thing as well as I could understand how she couldn't understand why she's still there

I think a lot of us on this site have a "fix it" personality, which is probably why we are so involved in the care of our family member. Unfortunately, there is no fix. As to dealing with it, a constant theme is to accept that we can't change things and learn to set boundaries. If your mom gets agitated when you visit and expects you to take her home, maybe it is time to reduce the frequency of the visits. Obviously going home is not an option, and your visits probably remind her that she is not home.

I'm sorry that it has taken so long for me to respond to your replies. I just now figured out how this website works. Thank you everyone for responding.

Mom has been in the nursing home for more than a year now. She had a skin disease on her legs when she went there so that is why she thought she was there, she had no clue about the dementia and still does not. Once her legs healed up she fell and broke her hip (this was Easter morning) so for a long time this is why she thought she was there. All the time she wanted to go home and the main reason was lack of privacy, male residents looking in her room as they happened to go down the hall, the male CNAs and the male night shift nurse. She thinks they are all out to get to her. Since her legs and hip are all healed up she can not understand why she is still there.

Yes, she often talks about going home to the city where she grew up, but then she will describe her home in our home town to a tee. For a while we were able to explain to her that her home was sold and why (we were no longer able to maintain it and the double lot it sits on) and she seemed to accept it. But all of a sudden she is almost wild about wanting to go home!. She now has a private room at the end of the hall, so there aren't as many people passing by (which she has sometimes complained about - the boredom of it - lol). She also has a private bathroom but needs help getting to it, which she hates to ask for, mainly because she is afraid a man will respond or because she thinks no one will respond (mainly because by the time they get to her she has forgotten that she needed to go and they leave!) We have told the home about her fear of men, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Last week she demanded that I take her home and when I told her I couldn't, she tried to hit me and told me to not come back if I don't plan on taking her home. Today, I came back to find her having an argument with the male nurse who was only trying to get to sit in her recliner for a short nap. (She now refuses to go to her room and it takes some conniving to get her there.) After the nurse left she said that she had to go to the bathroom, so I helped her to her feet and across the room, but she went into the hall because she said she would use the bathroom "at home". I tried to get her to understand that she should go to the bathroom here at first, thinking it would be a distraction as well as "get the job done", but no such luck. We walked down the hall almost to the emergency door at the end and I told her that it was locked, so she turned around and headed back to the end of the hall where her room is, at about this time my brother showed up so we were able to get her into her room and to sit in her recliner (although she tried first to sit in a different chair, which is not usual for her) She immediately began to demand that my brother take her home. And another quarrel started. My brother is hard of hearing and Mom's hearing aids are both broken, so you can imagine how futile this was. After 10 minutes my brother left.

For about 30 seconds Mom acted as though she was devastated that he was not taking her home, but then she again said that she had to go pee. So I tried to get her up again, but the talk of using the bathroom at "home" returned so I used the call button and got an aide, who helped her to the bathroom.

Back in her recliner, it was difficult for the aide to leave and go about her other duties as Mom was now focused on her and would have nothing to do with me. When another aide came and distracted her they both were able to leave.

I then tried to get Mom to lay back in her recliner for a nap, but she would have nothing of it. I told her she needed to rest now as she was to tired to go anywhere. So she said well then let me sit in my wheelchair and you can push me out. (This is where things are really weird as most of the time she says that the wheelchair is not hers and we should get it out of her room!) So I helped her into her wheelchair and she right away started rolling down the hall. I grabbed my coat and followed to the nurses station where I told the nurse I was afraid she would try to get up on her own. The nurse said Mom could stay there with her, they would be going into the dining room soon. So with Mom's back to me I left. This is the second time I have done this and it bothers me, but I suppose she had already forgot that I was there.

Mom has other issues: besides being totally deaf in her left ear she needs a hearing aide in the right ear also, she has a cataract in one eye and scaring on both pupils so her vision is poor and she can't tolerate much sunlight. She has had one episode of UTI and I have to wonder if that is also going on again. From day one she has refused to sleep in the bed provided for her and sleeps in her recliner. She also most of the time refuses to participate in any activities, but on rare occasions they can get to her to come.

My brother and sister were the ones to place Mom in this home and I am not listed as one to call if there should be a problem. This is because of my brother-in-law: long story. Because of this it is my understanding that the staff is not obligated to do anything I suggest or demand. They do have my number, though because I had my spouse there for a few days before he died last April. My siblings chose this home because it is across the street from the hospital where my sister works and 6 minutes from our home town. I live 25 miles away.

I know I can't "fix it", how do I deal with it?

I, too, think she's talking about her childhood home or maybe, as in my dad's case, he may have been talking about the home he'd sold to move to the one he was in, since he was at home and still talking about it, but he would say it was my home, too - the one we think he was wanting to go to, since it was the one I grew up in, not the one he was living in then, that he had moved to since I'd left home

Hi, seems you have 2 issues. The male attendants and the cries for home. As freqflyer said, it is very common for the loved one to really be referring to their childhood home, even though they do not specify it. Or they might still be referring to their most recent home. Either way, it is very difficult when a person can still talk, and understand a bit and can discern with sight to knowingly pull the wool over their eyes. It is the most frustrating phase of the disease I found. The best solution will always be with trained staff who know how to deflect. You might ask them for some tips on good deflection lines that may have worked when you were not there and they had to deal with it. For the family caregivers who are not trained in dementia care and are just starting on this horrible journey, it can be very very frustrating. You are afraid to insult or hurt your loved one, you are not used to the reactions they are giving and the usual methods of care and communication that once were normal, no longer work. I truly understand. When I visited one of my mom's facilities, the one she was at the longest, I would really get to know some of the residents and their quirks, loves, needs, repetitive questions etc etc. I watched how the CNA would interact or try to deflect the situation. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. But more often than not, I was always able to help distract one of my mother's co-residents because I was not their child, and I was not their CNA. I was new to them, but kind, interested, caring and patient. I was like a shiny new toy, mostly to the females, as I am male. I might ask about their children, or their occupation or their hobbies, at least those that could still communicate. They would always go along with me and how I was leading the conversation. So maybe you bring a friend along that she does not know so well, or have another family member interact with her as well. But only those that fully understand how to talk to people with dementia. I also would tell my mother I was running an errand and I would be back in a couple of hours. Or I would say her car was in the shop and we could go home when it was ready. She never remembered that I said any of that, so while it was a white lie, it did the trick.
As far as the male attendants are concerned, is it possible for you to request only female attendants, or are there not enough to go around so to speak? In my mom's current facility, I only had females working with her, but now that she is mostly out of it, and I trust the two males that work there, they also pitch in and I get a lot of good feedback from them. Hang in there. Read alot, ask a lot of questions and at some point, you will all figure this out.

daybyday55, depending on your Mom memory, if she is having problems with remembering things it could be when she says she wants to go home she is talking about her childhood home.

A good friend of mine was in a convalescent facility that used male nurses with female patients and she was very upset with this. I realize that one advantage of the male nurses is that they are taller and stronger, but dismissing the discomfort of the patient makes the situation harder. I know male patients usually due prefer the male nurses but are more used to being cared for by females.

If she's uncomfortable with the male aides (I would be too), maybe you can hire and private pay a female aide to stay with her at night. At least until she settles in somewhat. Don't want to alarm anyone, but stuff does happen.

When she asks about her home, change subject. Go home go home go home is the demnetia mantra. My mom did this until she couldnt talk anymroe. It's sad. No right answer, you hate to lie to mom, but I told mom it's too cold now, maybe later, or it's too hot now, it is so comfortable here, lets just stay here. Go when dinner is almost ready, and just say, lets just eat here, and then say, I need to meet spouse or pick up child or take child to an appointment. I have an appointment, I'll have to see you later.

HOw long has she been there? How often do you see her? If she just moved in recently, then you need to give her a week to acclimate. You can call and ask how mom is doing, but give her time to adust.Then go for a few minutes..Tell her you love her, and bring goodies for her...That you will come by soon to visit again. If she is a bit mobile perhaps you can take her for a drive later on.