Mom is leaving her money (not much) to her youngest grandson. She has 3 children and 3 grandchildren. Any advice?

Although I agree in theory that a parent has right to do whatever they want with their possessions, you cannot fault anonymous249338 for feeling hurt. It is totally understandable. I would be hurt, too. Absent Alz or dementia, I, too, would be curious and want to know her reasons for her bequest. I don't think it's unreasonable for anonymous249338 to want to know at all.

My Mom made a passing comment a few years ago to me (she has no will and still does not) that she would like to leave my niece (her oldest 37-year old grandchild) her house (worth approximately $65,000) because she "needs it" and my brother (who lives with my mother) she said would be "better off" living in a senior apt complex because she thought he couldn't handle the maintenance of living in the house. Now mind you, my sister (who NEVER visits or calls our mother) -- lives with her daughter -- my niece. My mother has 3 other grandchildren (my 3 children). My niece rents her modest house, has a fairly good job (with benefits) but does not really have the resources/income to qualify for a mortgage in this economy. She does alright though. My children (ages 30, 28 and 26) just get by, too. My oldest works 2 jobs and lives at home (no work benefits), pays her own health insurance, has health issues and does the best she can. My middle child has an okay job, lives in an apt and lives paycheck to paycheck. My son is in graduate school in another state and goes to school full-time. I believe all the grandchildren are equal at this point (financial wise).

When she said that passing comment, I asked her the reason behind her thought process (not being judgmental but curious). She really didn't have one. She just thought my niece should have a home of her own because she said she knew she could never afford a mortgage. Okay, but I mentioned (non-judgmentally) "what about your other grandchildren?" I said they, too, were struggling and would not be able to afford a mortgage either. Would she be okay with having her other 3 grandchildren wondering "why" Grandma favored her oldest grandchild? Did she think that wouldn't cause hurt feelings? Legitimate question, I thought.

When I posed that question to her in that manner, she started to rethink her reasoning. Again, I told her she can do what she wants with her house, but I wanted to let her know that her decision to leave her home to her oldest grandchild would certainly cause hurt feelings on her other grandchildrens' part. I don't think she thought of it that way. She just thought, "Oh, ______ should have her own house so she and my sister could live there." I told her that her other grandchildren would always wonder why my niece was favored by her bequest.

To be honest, it also hurt my feelings, too, that my Mom would leave my sister's only child something so major as a house and my children would get nothing. Of course, I didn't tell my Mom that. I told her she can do with her house what she pleases. Did I lay a guilt trip on her? Perhaps. But I know I gave her food for thought. Has she had a will written? No. Will she? Who knows, probably not. If she dies without one, I'm okay with my brother living in the house until he dies (he's 64). If he doesn't want to live there and wants to move into a senior apt. complex, no problem. We siblings will sell the house and divide the proceeds equally among us siblings. Then it is up to us (my sister and I) to give whatever of those proceeds to our children (my brother has no children) as a remembrance of their grandmother. Fair, I think.

I plan to leave my 3 children equal parts of my estate. I don't think it's ever a good idea to favor one child over another. I would not want to die knowing my children would be fighting and angry with each other after I'm gone. Yes, I'm dead but at least before I die, I'll feel like I did the right thing. Just my opinion.

Lataza, when my dad died I came home for the funeral and my nephew came to me afterwards and offered me an old shotgun that belonged to dad. It was the last of about eight guns and the one he and my brother didn't want. Other than a couple of college ball caps, which I gave him, that was it. My brother took all lawn equipment, tools, and mom gave him dad's truck. My brother wanted the sale of the truck split between me and him but mom didn't so she took some expenses for repairs to make sure I got almost nothing. I was hurt but I didn't need his stuff nor did my brother. But it just was a very good example of how little I meant to my dad and I don't miss him at all. I never really knew the guy. Same goes for mom.

So true Deb

I feel if parents are not leaving their assets equally amongst their children, the contents of the will should remain totally private until death. There is no guarantee of an inheritance before death, why cause hurt feelings prematurely. Showing favoritism does hurt deeply by those who have have done nothing to deserve that type of treatment.

It appears that anon has left this thread and site.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother has done the same thing! First I was hurt that she didn't discuss it with me and second I was devastated that I felt I was worth nothing to her, insignificant. I have been here for her and my dad my whole adult life. I was here to help when he was ill and she couldn't handle it and again when she started having problems. She was diagnosed with dementia. I think it was the dementia that caused her to change the will and exclude everyone but 2 grandchildren. I did ask her why she would do that and she said they needed the help they were struggling! I really don't know why she thinks they're struggling, they seem to be doing just as well as all the other grandchildren, her response to that was they don't have a father to leave them anything. My brother had drug and gambling problems! As for me she said I married a rich man, NOT, we have owned our own business for the past 30 some years and have worked our butts off to have what we have now! I also wanted to know how she even knows the income of any of us! She couldn't answer that, she also pulled the, its my money I can do whatever I want with it, which I agreed, but, is that what dad would want! The first will was made many years ago when he was alive and it had everyone getting something, no favorites, her reply to that was, he's dead he has no say anymore. Kind of emotionless and matter of fact. I said ok, but I really don't think thats right, I said at least divide among all the grandkids. She said my children don't need any money either, they will get your money when you die! Now she's telling everyone, that I said I want all of her money for myself. So much for dementia, it is a hideous disease! You just have to put it behind you and move on, not an easy thing to do!

It's the dementia. Thankfully my husband and I have 2 girls and they each have 2 children. He has a will but keeps verbally telling them what he is leaving each of the grandchildren. Depends on who he is mad at as to who gets what. They have learned that the grands will get things split equally as per the will. My husband also has other children but since they show no interest in him at this point they will get nothing. We take one day at a time and yes what they say does hurt but just remember 10 minutes after it's said they usually don't remember it.

Tooyoungforthis, you sound like my dad. He always told me he could burn his money if he wanted to and he accused me of asking him for money when actually I paid him to live at home for 10 years before I married. He bragged about my brother "marrying" money. He never paid for anything for me, not college, no wedding, nothing, ever. It was after all his money. Yes, he was absolutely correct, he could do what he wanted and leave it to whomever he wished no matter how much it hurt my feelings and that is why I have not missed the nasty old so and so now that he is dead.

Your chickens do come home to roost. Is this what you would want?

when my great grandfather passed, he left all the children the same amount of money, but he added a little more to my grandmothers because when her mother passed she stayed there and took care of my great grandfather and 3 of her younger brothers. He felt this was fair as she put parts of her life on hold to make sure he and her brothers were taken care of. That seems fair. Singling out one family member: not sure what this means. I'd ask why, I'd talk to her and tell her you are hurt by this and explain all the grandchildren would like to receive something to remember her by. Singling one out is an outward signal that the others don't matter. I'm sorry this has happened to your family.. If you are concerned about her mental status, ask if you can attend her next medical appointment and discuss it with the doc.

jeannegibbs and mary4th: Both of you are right on. I speak from personal experience. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family of parents who had a dysfunctional marriage, alot of it driven by my dad's long-standing mental illness which has become quite severe with age. Dementia has also played a role in this-- my dad is delusional and has what I believe to be early onset dementia, all of which exacerbate his mental illness (or maybe vice versa). However, because he is very good at hiding both his mental illness and his dementia and he's extremely manipulative, people fall for him hook, line, and sinker. So, all of this has, as mary4th stated, brought out my family's long-standing dysfunction in spades.

I've come to realize that elderly parents are going to do what they're going to do, despite their family's encouragement. As others have posted, they'll leave their money, etc., to whomever they please-- even a neighbor's dog. Remember that life is rarely fair and we have to go with the hand of cards we're dealt. So, the best you can do is to be the best daughter (or son) to your parents that you can be, love and accept them for who they are and who they become when they get older, and don't expect an inheritance. If you do things for your parents, do so from your heart and not for the sake of an inheritance. If they leave you something, great, and if not, you've still had the gift of them, being part of their lives, and making and sharing memories with them that you'll be able to cherish long after they're gone, and maybe even longer than any monetary inheritance will last.

This isn't to say that what anonymous249338 is going through isn't hurtful. I understand what she's feeling because I'm going through something similar with my dad. But, it's just a fact of life with elderly parents. I learned long ago to lower my expectations of my dad to zero and figured that I would be lucky and happy to be left at least some of my parents' tangible property items, especially family photo albums. Unfortunately, he's leaving all of my parents' tangible property to a group of non-family members. Hopefully, they will be willing to give me some of the items that mean alot to me as pertains to my family history, my being my nuclear family's sole survivor, and my link with my parents. Fortunately, my dad has chosen a credible beneficiary, which is a group that he has had a long association with, and not some fly-by-night, scam organization. So, that gives me peace of mind.

jeannegibbs: You're right on about your suggestion for anonymous249338 to get some counseling. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as it will help shed light on anon's family functioning and why her mother's actions are hurting her so much. After my dad's betrayal of me, my horrid experience and trauma with the legal system in his state as a result of his delusional lies about me to them, and being effectively barred from being with my mom in her last month of life and never having closure with her before she died, I sought counseling. For the past over 2 yrs, I've been seeing a CBT counselor and have found that it has helped immensely to understand my family's dysfunction and the extent of it and my dad's mental illness and how all of that meshed into the events that took place over the past 6 - 10 years after my mom had her stroke and resulting dementia 10 years ago. CBT has helped me to let go of the hurt, although some of it was rekindled when I learned that my dad is leaving all of my parents' tangible property items to others--- especially some art pieces (and family photo albums along with other things) that were in my childhood home and are a part of my family history given my being the sole survivor of my family. But I also realize that those items, even though they're community property, are my dad's to choose what to do with and to whom he wants to give them. That's not for me to dictate. Plus, a long time ago I realized that I have no say in this and that to expect anything from my parents is only a sense of entitlement on my part, which I dislike in others so don't want to see in myself.

I'm having to work through all of this and let alot go. But in the end, it's made me realize just how dysfunctional my family is and how I could have better approached the situation both to protect myself and so that some of the events may have been avoided. And most important of all, it's helping me to learn not to pass this on to my own kids-- alot of hard work, but it's paying off because I've stopped doing some of the dysfunctional things my parents were doing to me and that I grew up with. So, each experience, even if horrible and hurtful, has some learning value.

Letting go of hurt is a hard thing to do and realizing that you're doing the best for your parent out of love, should give you peace of mind to move on. Realize, too, that we didn't get to chose the parents we got. So, we just have to make the best of our situation and hope for the best in the end, and learn to accept that there are things we can't change and just have to move on from.

Many years ago I took my sil with me when I visited my parents in another state. She and my brother didn’t have much because my brother didn’t handle money well. During the visit my mother gave my sil my deceased grandmother’s ring and she gave me her grandmother’s (my great grandmother) ring with the understanding that I leave it in my will for my sil’s grandchildren. I don’t have children. Seemed fair but it hurt me deeply and I was angry. I didn’t say a word about it to my mother. The first ring had a small stone and two barely visible diamonds so it looked like the more expensive ring to my mother. I was hurt because it felt like she valued my sil more than me and she gave something that I treasured to someone who saw it as just a ring. It is not an expensive ring but I wanted it as a keepsake. My sil barely knew my grandmother. On the way home my Sil wanted to know what was wrong so I told her. She gave me the ring. I love my sil.
A few years later when my parents were moving across the country they stayed at my brother’s house for a couple of days. We all had a good visit. They gave my brother and sil a bunch of stuff which included furniture my father made, house plants and other small things. It was things they didn’t want to take with them and they thought my brother could use. I didn’t need any of these things but it still hurt when they didn’t even give me a house plant to remember them by.
So I understand your feelings. It has nothing to do with money or possessions. It would have made a world of difference if they told me they loved me too but felt my brother needed these things.
Over the years my brother has learned how to handle money and is now doing better than me financially but guess where my mother lives. That’s right. With me. Before dementia stole her mind we had grown very close so there was no question about who would take care of her.

Yes, a person has a right to give away whatever they want to give away both in life and after death. I think no one disputes that. However, if your parents buy your sibling a Porsche and you a used Mazda, you have a right to raise your head and ask what's behind that. "She's exercising her rights, get over it," or a comment like that is hardly helpful. The fact is that parents often are partial -- sometimes one child is a golden child, while others are invisible -- and most of us suspect which one we are. Sometimes, seeing who will get what in a testament turns suspicions into reality. I know, for example, that my own grandmother, who I loved dearly, was NOT her own mother's favorite. Her sister and brother were like celebrities and my grandmother was "what's for dinner today?" I don't even know the contents of my greatgrandmother's will-- given that she lived to be VERY old, I doubt there was much. But it was clear my grandmother was not a favorite. And yet she cared for her mother for 20 years while her brother never visited or wrote and her sister visited maybe once every five years. My grandmother did not deserve to be the one who never sat in the sunshine of her mother's love. I suspect she was trying to earn that spot.

anon, I was reading through all of these posts, and I could sense your hurt and your frustration at so many not seeming to understand the source of your hurt (by your own admission, even you to a large degree) - and when I got to blannie's, I wanted to stop and tell you to focus on hers... but I kept reading, and saw that you did! :)

blannie did nail it - I think you are experiencing above all else the pain of dementia, particularly as it applies to relatives/loved ones (and even more specifically, adult children) in the role of primary caregiver.

You mentioned that she "may be" in the "early stages" of dementia, which is likely true. It is even possible that she has been so for some time - being so close and involved, it can sneak up on you if it is gradual. It may even be a little more progressed than you realize. Either way, brace yourself for more of this - hurtful exchanges are inevitable. Learn now to try and understand that it is the disease, and practice forgiving and letting go. (Which can require some amount of detachment for self-preservation.)

By the way, dementia will bring out the dysfunction in any family, regardless of how well they may have held together before it strikes. And if that was already a problem, well, it is just fuel for the fire! (An "accelerant".)

Not even mentioning the money. I see enough info posted on that - some even potentially helpful. But again, I realize that wasn't actually at the heart of the matter.

Best wishes and hugs to you!

It really sounds like your family has always been dysfunctional and your mother has been manipulative. The dementia doesn't help, but I think the problems go back further than that.

It is what it is. I am SO sorry for you. And I do understand that it isn't about the money. This is a very tangible and public evidence of the dysfunction that has been present a long time.

What should you do? Let go of the hurt. It is valid but it isn't doing you any good. Let go of the topic. Mother has made her decision (and she isn't waiting until she is in a box to carry it out.) Mother's decisions are not about being fair. Don't show her you are upset. That is apparently gratifying to her.

Consider seeing a counselor. The situation you are in is Not Your Fault. A trained outsider can help you accept this. You have every reason to be proud. A professional can help you remove the barriers to that feeling.

Sorry to disagree with where your heart is. A person has a right to leave their money to whomever they choose and the fact you are not being chosen in her last will only means she thinks your nephew could use it more, or whatever her reasons, they are hers. Not for you to question, nor judge. Just be happy you have her now.

anonymous249338: I didn't mean to come across that all you want is the money. Based on what you've posted, it sounds like you've done quite a bit for your mom and are a really caring and loving daughter, and that you're not helping your mom for the sake of inheriting her money but rather out of love and concern for her. I can totally relate to what you're saying, because I'm going through the same thing with my dad. I helped him out from 1200 miles away with my demented (now deceased) mom to make sure she got the care his severe mental illness prevented him from getting for her. Like you, it's never been about the money or any inheritance, but rather had always been about both making sure that my mom's needs were adequately provided for and also about my parents' safety and welfare. So I perfectly understand where you're coming from and why it's such a slap in the face to you. However, I believe that your mom, unlike my dad, appreciates what you're doing for her and has shown her love and her appreciation for you, something my dad has never done. All he's done is bad mouth me to others and then betrayed me.

From your subsequent responses to other posts, it sounds like your mom is leaving her money to the person she feels is in most need. Granted, this may not be a wise decision, especially if that grandson decides not to further his education and decides to just frivolously spend it when he comes of age. But in the end, as others have stated, it is your mom's money to leave to whomever she wants. The only gotcha here is when she changed her will--- recently when she's showing dementia or awhile back. If she's given you a copy of the will or given it to someone else, maybe you can look at the date. And again, is it possible that she's leaving you some tangible property items, instead, realizing that you're not in as much financial need as others in the family? As I stated in my previous post, I consider the tangible items of more value than money on the basis of their sentimental value because of their place in your family and its history and link with your parents.

For someone that claims they don't care about the money, you sure aren't acting like it.

You say that she has 3 children, but you only mention your brother & yourself. That is only 2 children. I am assuming that the grandson being left all the money is your brother's child. If you're counting your husband as her child, you really can't do that. He is not her biological child.

The bottom line is that your mother can leave her money to whomever she chooses. She doesn't even have to leave it to her family---she could leave it to an animal shelter or the church or the sanitation department for that matter. Being "hurt" over not being left any money is a selfish thing. It's her money & she can do whatever she wants to do with it. It may be better for her to actually leave all her assets to a charity----this way it will prevent any "hurt" amongst the children & grandchildren. If you don't care about the money, perhaps you should act like you don't care about the money.

Annonymouse I can under stand your hurt. The fact and many people have expressed this opinion here is that mothers tend to favor their sons. This son had a child late in life and mom probably felt his parents would not be there to help him out as he matures. You said your chidren are in their 30s so I am assuming they have completed their education This grandson will need all the help he can get. I don't think this was done to deprive your children or you. Questioning her actions probably hurt her as much as her actions hurt you. You love your Mom and she loves you. Everything you have done for her you did of your own free will without the expectation of any reward. so put it behind you what's done is done. By all means ask Mom why she took these actions then let it go. It is her meney so let it go

I understand where you're coming from. It's not that you want her money, you just want to know that she's thinking of you, am I right? Yes, she can leave her money to whoever she wants but it doesn't mean that it doesn't sting a little that she's not thinking about you and your children at all. I'd be hurt too if my mother left everything to one person. I'd be less hurt though if she left everything to all of her grandchildren.

Is it possible that your mom sees that you're financially set and wants to leave the money to a relative who may be struggling financially? Is she leaving you other tangible property--- her jewelry, art pieces, etc.? I understand your upset because I'm going through a similar thing with my dad. But, I've had to step way back and assess how important this all really is in the big picture. From my perspective, the tangible things have far more value than money because they're personal items that are part of your family history and that you can readily touch and see and enjoy everyday and that will remain as a lasting link with your parents and with your family history, especially your childhood history and memories. My dad has decided to disinherit me from his part of the family trust, which includes my not even getting art pieces that are community property of both of my parents (my mom is now deceased), even though there's a tangible property list for all of those items that was/is part of the family trust, but which my dad apparently poured into his own trust. While his estate attorney may not be aware of the tangible property list and have allowed my dad to pour these community property items into his own trust, I won't be able to fight this either because, while he's severely mentally ill, when he went to his estate atty to change my parents' estate plan, he was easily able to pass the test of mental competence because the standards are so low--- he knows his name, address, etc, has a sense of time and place and money, and knows my name. That's all that's required for anyone to change their estate plan. My atty has told me that the only thing we could pursue is undue influence/exploitation of a vulnerable adult, given that my dad is 92 years old and has changed his will in the past year when his mental functioning hasn't been that good. If your mom recently changed her will, you may want to retain an elder law atty because there may have been undue influence or exploitation by one of your relatives. Depending on how seriously your state deems exploitation of a vulnerable adult and how severe the penalties are, just by having your atty state exploitation and investigate it may result in some action or changes. If your mom changed her will awhile ago when she didn't have dementia, there's not much you can do. So, just be the bigger person in this and keep on loving and doing for her, showing her that you care about her and not the money.

Unfortunately, by focusing on the money with her, she now thinks that's all you want her for (i.e., her money) and don't really care about her. So, step back, reset the button and show her that you care about her and her welfare and want only the best for her and don't care about her money. However, since she shared with you that she's leaving all of her money to others, I think it would be appropriate to ask her if there are some tangible items that she's planning to leave to you. If so, make sure that they're put onto a tangible property list, that you're named as the beneficiary of those items, and that the list is incorporated into her will (the decedent's part of the trust)--- you'll need to discuss this with her estate atty. Let your mom know that the tangible items are more important to you than the money because they will provide you with a lasting tangible and cherished link with her after she's gone. While my dad has written me out of his part of the will, there are things from my mom's part that I'm left. Some of these are tangible items that my mom used, wore, and cherished, and that I'll now be able to have as a lasting link with my deceased mom. These are more important to me than money.

In the end, money can't buy you happiness, win friends, or influence enemies as many elderly people, including my dad, believe. From my perspective, when your mom is gone, you'll be able to have kept your self-respect and integrity and feel good that you helped your mom for her sake alone and out of your love for her and not for the sake of an inheritance.

I understand this completely. My mother walks around saying "this should go to X and this should go to Y" and I honestly want nothing but it is very hurtful that never do I hear my name or the names of my sons. My hurt stems not from the realization that the relationship will not be the same as it was before but, rather, from the realization that this IS the relationship. I always did well...in school, in life, and therefore I was never considered....for anything. I put myself through college, paid for my own wedding and was happy to do it. But since I didn't need her as much as her other children, I was not considered for her attentions. (She never accepted any invitations to join my family for holidays because "maybe X will need a place to celebrate.") So....I have nothing to offer but empathy.

If gran is doing this - no matter what - specifically for 9 year olds college, she should look into getting it into a 529 plan maybe a UTMA. $ dedicated & done. If she won't, that could be a sign that all of this is manipulation. This year it's the 9 year old thats special, next year someone else.

Sounds like her dementia is affecting her decision, don't take it personally. I remember a friend who's mom still thought she was the religion she was in from years and years back, and thought she had the same friends as years and years ago even though many were passed on,but she hadn't been that religion for a really long time! Things where a bit confusing for sure! Stuff like that happens. Your not alone. Maybe go talk to a counselor on caring for ones with dementia etc. they will probably make you feel a lot better!

I recently read an article about a grandparent who had in his Will the names of 3 grandchildren , the Will was drawn up 12 years ago, and the Will never made reference to "any grandchildren born afterwards" while he was still alive. Thus, when he passed, the daughter who had these 5 children was surprised that the 3 oldest got half-million each, the youngest 2 who he had adored received zero. Apparently her father had just forgot to make any changes to his Will.

Bottom line its her money and she can leave it to whom she wishes....you said its not about the money so stop letting it be about the money... continue to care for and love your mom and let her love you back.....take a deep breath blow it out and move on......stop letting this be all about the money which you say means nothing to you.....

Anon- could it be the 9 year old was chosen because as mom dementedly sees it, he can still be manipulated to "be good to grannie" as part of his future is dependent on grannie largess.? Could it be that she well realizes that for you & your siblings & for the older fully adult grand kids, her opportunity for make you all be beholden to her ain't gonna happen.

The 9 year old can still live out that fantasy in her mind. If there had been a grandkidv even younger, they would have been the "chosen one". Could perhaps this be a factor?

anon, parents don't realize how they can hurt their children with these things. How you feel is exactly how I would feel if my mother did this.

A year or so ago my mother decided she wanted to cut my siblings out of the will and leave everything to me. She was angry with them because they do not pay attention to her. I understand her feelings. I told her that it would be better to leave the will as it was. She didn't want her last word to her children to be an angry one.

People can be caught up in the emotion of the moment and make decisions based on the emotion. Your mother has already given the money to your brother to hold, so I don't know if it can be retrieved if she changes her mind. It is a hurtful situation and I'm sorry. I know it isn't about the money. It is about the statement that was made. I have a feeling that it was one of the emotion of the moment decisions.

I remember how bad I felt when my grandmother left most of her money to my sister, who had been "dunning" her all her life. Our half-sister was the one who looked after granny's needs, but she received the least. I lived in a distant state, so didn't expect to get anything at all. The sister with all the $$ promptly went into business for herself and was bankrupt within a year.

Often, out of love, our parents only see our needs and what they can do for us, so it could be that whatever your nephew's situation, it stands out to her a the greatest need. I remember once asking my dad once what he'd do if he won the lottery. He said that the first thing he'd do would be to pay off my mortgage and my brother's car. I pointed out that my brother might be a little put out by the hundreds of thousands of dollars difference in those gifts. He laughed and said that he'd try to think it through better if it ever happened.
I'm wondering if meeting need is your mom's impulse and, at her age, her ability to 'think it through' is impaired.

Tell your mom you would like to help her find a good financial advisor. Take her to meet 3 or 4. The meetings will be free. Tell them ahead of time the kind of topics you would like to discuss and as them to let her know how they would advise handling it. I bet you will get three people who will help you have discussions about fairness over the course of 4 separate days.

If she is anything like my sweet mom, she will love the meetings. She might even flirt a little. She will get to meet tall, handsome, hopefully smart men and she will want to make smart decisions and show them what a good, balanced person she is.

I'm not necessarily saying you should sign up with any of them, but the shopping experience could be fun for you both and a chance to bring it up again.