It's been a long saga with my parents. Dad had been in a memory care home for 3 years and died a few weeks ago. In his absence from their house, mom has done nothing but sit in self-pity and drink and pop pills, while her health keeps deteriorating. We are at the point where falls are frequent and she's had multiple broken bones in the past year. Oh, and lucky me, her house is 3 doors down from me.
Mom's drinking & falling have resulted in multiple 911 calls, hospital stays, and now 5 stays in a mental health hospital since mid-2018. She recently spent 3 weeks in the mental hospital, had two severe falls, lots of confusion, etc. The hospital directors called me in for a meeting and we all agreed she is no longer safe at home and they said they would only discharge her somewhere safe with their own direct transport. I was 100% in agreement.
Off I go to tour ALs. I found the absolute Taj Mahal, $6,000/month, in a wing where she will get more structure than regular AL but not rising to the level of MC. I picked a beautiful little apartment with a view of a city dog park. Spent a day decorating and getting it all ready.
Now she says I've dumped her there to die and she wants to be released. She is in a wheelchair and needs medication management. I am an only child, work 6-7 days a week. There is no other family and my mom has no friends. I told her she has destroyed my life but she does not believe it. My parents' decline has been an ongoing saga for 8-9 years now, continually getting worse, and I am left as a shell of a person, trying to hang on to what I have left. I start seeing a therapist next month to deal with my issues.
Anybody have any thoughts on her rights to demand to come back to her home? I am in new territory. When I placed dad in MC, of course he did not want to stay, but his cognitive situation overrode his ability to make his own decisions. If my mom comes home I'm afraid it's going to be the end of me.
Going against doctor's advice is never a recommendation, no matter WHAT culture a person is from. It's common sense, which seems to have left the house with some of these comments.
Now she’s in a facility where she’s being cared for, and her needs are being met for one expensive price. She’s acting rebellious. She lies and twists situations at the facility. At Christmas, mom came in talking about about being deprived of food for 2 days as punishment, although she’s gained several pounds since being in home. She pretty much demanded we get her out, or she was going to find a way out. I’m meeting this afternoon with the head caretaker to discuss mom’s situation, since they too are frustrated with mom’s rude behavior with staff and other residents.
As upset as I know my mother is with her new environment, she is in no way capable of living on her own. It’s hard to hear her complain about not being free to live her life as she thinks she can. The best I can do for her, is make sure she is in a good facility where she’s well looked after and safe. I am continuing to look for the right placement that will fit her needs and meets our budget, but until then she stays put.
I'd tell your mother that she is in the best place possible for her right now. That her health issues and needs exceed what you can provide at home, so that is no longer an option. Ever. Period. No debate possible. Also, tell her that if she doesn't get with the program in AL, the next step will be a nursing home and she will like that a whole lot less. Sounds like some tough love realism is overdue. And don't feel "guilty" about it. You were not born to provide long term slave labor for your parents.
God's blessing to you
First of all let me say I'm so sorry for all you have been through. But know that there are thousands more like you. My best friend's mom lived to be 101, and my friend was an adopted only child. While her mom did not have dementia until the last few years, she was known to say cutting, hurtful, and guilt producing comments. My friend used to jokingly say she was living that long just to spite her! We would laugh and knew, of course, that wasn't true. My friend's husband had died when they were in their early fifties. She raised two beautiful daughters by herself and took care of both parents. She took her mom to the beauty salon every week, to church on Sunday, made sure she went on outings from her assisted living facility, and frequently took her to dinner.
It was not easy. I didn't realize how much work it could be until my husband was diagnosed with dementia at age 76. I am 9 years younger. I sold our big family house and moved into a rental house. I soon realized that was not going to work and moved both of us into an assisted living facility in our neighborhood. That's when things started getting rough. My husband, a former doctor, started dressing inappropriately, rummaging in cabinets, trying to go out the door, getting aggressive, and needing someone to help dress and shower him. That first facility was beautiful and expensive. But the care we received was neglectful and abusive. The food was awful, and the management was totally insensitive. So we moved into another facility. We went from the frying pan to the fire. And my husband's behavior got worse. The doctors kept upping his meds for control, and he kept getting worse. Finally, I took him off the meds myself (gradually), and started giving him CBD drops. We moved to another beautiful facility because the care and food were so bad. We learned later that the second facility's director was fired for embezzling $8,000. The bookkeeper was doing drugs every day, and the maintenance guy is now in prison for raping a child. The third facility seemed promising. Beautiful landscaping, architecture, and lovely rooms with a fridge that had a icemaker, a real treat! But we soon learned how bad it could be. Pendants go answered for 40 minutes, or not at all. The food is awful, and many times cold. We have to wait in the dining room for 45 minutes to an hour routinely. Many of the staff are surly, don't show up for shower help, and are in hurry to get home. They are underpaid and under staffed. The management is totally insensitive. Many of the residents have complained, but nothing ever changes. I do not have dementia like almost everyone else here, so I see and hear and can report. The poor people who have been left here with no family to visit or anyone to be kind to them are unable to report things themselves. And if they do, the response is, "Oh, don't pay attention to them. They are crazy.
My point in this long story is this: Somewhere deep down, you love your mom, and she loves you. Dementia causes people to say and do things they would not normally do. And it can start even before the disease has been formally diagnosed. These facilities are all horrible. They give you a big marketing BS speel and tell you to "let your loved one get adjusted." Then, they can do whatever they want to with care. If you're not around, you don't know about it. Please go on the internet and search for AJC-Unproctected. It's a series of articles written by 2 reporters who investigated every facility in the state for a year. They have now created a data base that allows the public to search any facility in the state to see the violations they have had as well as other information.
Please, do not give up on your mom! She needs you. She may say hurtful things to you. She doesn't know what she's saying. Her comments about your dad confirm that. I know it's a terrible burden on you. But find it in your heart to visit her.
Have you called APS to report that mom is a vulnerable adult?
Your mother has moved back into *her* home or *your* home? Why will her doing so cause your DH to move out?
Uupstream, I wrote this November 23, 2019. Still applies: Upstream, I've been away all day and am just getting to reply now.
You are not damaged goods. You are grieving. Your mother is an addict and if you keep propping her up, she will have no reason to change her behavior.
You need to go to Al-Anon. You need to detach from mom and call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. She is not going to get the right help if you keep bailing her out.
It's called detaching with love.
(((((Hugs))))))
You're sure it's drinking and not a stroke or something, are you?
Yes it is advisable to contact APS. It is also highly advisable not to conceal her behaviours, because you are merely delaying their becoming apparent to the point where they are so catastrophic you cannot conceal them.
You agree, do you, that your mother should not be living in her home?
Your parent, who has been deemed competent is entering withdrawal.
"What is your plan, mom?"
"That's interesting news"
I would not do a d@mn thing except call APS.
If she managed to move back home by herself, she can figure this out.
Frankly, I think they should BOTH move house; it may be the only way to get away from an emotional vampire like this.
Are you in contact with your mom's doctor (the sweet one who is prescribing her benzos?)
Send that person a bulleted letter (send return receipt requested) outlining your mother's addictions. Add the fact that you are no longer taking any responsibility for her actions.
Yes, she passed a dementia screening test. My mother passed them up until about 3 months before her death. Your mother's MEMORY is fine. Her reasoning skills are not. A neuropsych exam would probably show that, but good luck with anyone pressing for that.
Mom is competent and needs NO HELP. Just write that in large, friendly letters on your refrigerator and move on.
Your mother needs help. She can't get it until you let her fail. You need to step waaaaay back.