i.e. bad doctors, bad gardeners, etc?
Every time I see my mother all she talks about is negative stuff, it is so hard for me to listen to. There is never, and I mean never anything good that she talks about. The adult grandchildren really don't see her, because of this. My father died about 6 years ago, she was negative then but now it is terrible. She mostly sits at home all day, she is 85 years old. She keeps talking about all the doctor appointment she needs, eye doctor, skin doctor, etc, but never makes the appointments - we finally got rid of her car this year, and she still talks about how she wishes she had the car, which she hadn't driven in over a year, and even then maybe once or twice. I drive her to all her appointments, with a full time job.
To which I added in response.
"Although the truth can set one free, few people are comfortable with the honest truth and that's why there are so many living with so many secrets plus truths that they know but will not deal with either because it is too painful or because of fear."
The building blocks we learn as children--those foundational lessons every child must learn, to whatever proficiency they learn them, become foundations for everything we build upon those later over our lifetimes.
That's why early childhood development is so very important to get it right.
The wonkier the foundations, the crooked-er the building, so-to-speak.
It might look a bit different in different people.
Some need a target they can accuse and vent at.
Some complain of how rotten their lives are.
Others just can't say anything nice.
"Depression" is not the only trigger:
---old behavior patterns
---illnesses
---nutritional deficiencies
---brain injuries [includes strokes and dementias]
All these can cause a person to develop negative conversation patterns.
It can be VERY off-putting.
It sucks the life out of other people, particularly if those lack the ability to recognize what it is, and set realistic boundaries/limits on the elder's use of them. LOTS of people learned as children, that we're supposed to "be there" for our elders, and allow them to behave like that was OK--only it's not!
We got to the point it was safe to only allow contact via mail or email, when otherwise trying to set realistic limits on Mom's use of us, failed.
Only you can take into consideration what your elder's life has been like, what might contribute to the present behaviors, and if there might be an illness or deficiency contributing to the behaviors....
If you suspect something like that, it needs brought to the Doc's attention; be sure to explain Why you think there might be infection, nutritional deficiency, or possible brain injury.
Docs generally do not look for nutritional issues--they simply lack training, and what tiny bit they got in school, was largely erroneous. But they should easily be able to determine if there might be infections or brain injuries, and sort that from dementia.
What you can do is focus on how you might better cope and protect yourself from her negativity. That could mean a number of things because what works for one does not work for us all. Counseling and or support groups are good for this. Best of luck to you.
I did mention that we can make adjustments if we see the need which some people don't and even among those who do like my SIL, the change involves more pain than they want to work through.
I didn't mean to sound deterministic.
Much does depend on how the person chooses to respond to things which for some their family of origin makes it more difficult to chose a healthy way to respond verses an unhealthy.
I guess I should have said that with various exceptions, we tend to be basically who we were unless we make a valiant effort to change and the older we get, the less open to change we tend to be.
Many caregivers here seem to often be stuck in family of origin issues that is making it very difficult to deal with aging parents who were difficult when the person was a child. To rule out recent changes, I almost always ask if this is how their parent always has been or if this is a recent change and go from there.
Basically much of the outcome depends on how we respond and our responses don't take place in a vacuum. There are also various social, psychological and other factors in play.
I'm glad that I'm not totally the product of my childhood, but although I have made choices along the way , my childhood did impact me and even impacted how I responded to things in the wrong way before I got into therapy.
If perspectives can change, I would think personality traits could as well, especially if someone makes a sincere and dedicated effort.
I respect your opinion but don't necessarily think that we're products of what we were when younger. And I do think that caregiving, as well as financial constraints, change people - but not everyone changes for better or for worse. It depends on the individual.
I would also argue that traumatic events can cause psychological changes well beyond anything anticipated - military service in combat zones, for example.
Our personality traits manifest more intensely as we age. Anything we have been hiding behind a mask become more difficult to hide and it comes out.
This is why making any adjustments need to be made early to ourselves if we are aware soon enough that we need to change. Otherwise, we are who we are.
Hang in and get some help. Look into a geriatric doctor and the right meds. You may be surprised.
You can start the conversation by saying what is good.
of negative things with my health. Not to justify, but picture their side.
I have spent 5 days alone with no visits or phone calls and I have great
children. However, they have lives of their own nod families also. I luckily
can still do most of my own care taking. But find myself telling my family
about the things I can't do and sometimes I only have negative things to
talk about. I do try not to ask if I can possibly do something on my own.
I have ask my family to remind me when I get on the downside so I can
change subject. Sometimes it works when they bring it to my attention. I have no one to talk to either positive or negative and it's hard being alone.
But in the case of the OP we don't hear about any attempt to do this. If she is just showing up to take her mother to the doctor and nothing else, well that would put anyone in a bad mood.
Too Young for This, I think you hit the nail on the head. It must be very difficult to see everyone who is your peer die or be sick.
Lifeexperience, that sounds nice. But that costs $$$$$. You're looking at easily $4k a month for that, and more in some parts of the country. You make it sound like it's so easy. $4K * 12 = $48K a year.
Another was worse - I never once saw her smile; she always had a scowl on her face. Her boss was different than ours - he was personable (hot, too!), she didn't have a difficult workload, but just was a sourpuss.
After her brother had a heart attack, I asked a few days later how he was doing. She snapped at me with a retort something to the effect of "how do you THINK he's doing??!!". I said I was sorry to have disturbed her and never bothered to speak to her again unless it was just a good morning.
Now I'm wondering how many of the elders being discussed here were like this 20, 30 and 40 years ago? I know some of their dissatisfaction is age related as well as their current conditions, but I can't help wondering if these are personality traits that manifest more intensely as life gets worse.
As I've read these posts about dementia and the various ways it presents in different people, I keep wondering if it narrows one's focus so much that people resort to basic survival concepts - i.e., protecting oneself from the government, focusing on the negative, developing unreasonable fears... just a thought.
i will just add that my hubby is totally negative with remarks like'It's the govt spying on us" The Internet provider has changed all my password the govt is tracking me" we have to prepare for what's coming" "Cash in your 401K and buy gold" other than that he is reading medical journals to research real and imagined diseases. now he has been loaned an anchant book from the 1700s written by a Dr of that time describing approaches to treatment like the use of leeches and treating patients with hyrophobia by blood letting till they died or suffocating them between two matresses. the author is forward thinking enough to disagree with many of these practices and way ahead of his time in some of his treatments.
My mother will be 87 in October. All of her siblings are dead. Most of her friends are dead too. My father died in 1992. She lives with me. She is in good medical health for her age, she still drives to church, to the bank, to the grocery store, to get her hair done. She has almost all of her marbles (although her memory is pretty bad). She has no hobbies or friends to do things with. She is hard of hearing, sometimes wears her hearing aids & sometimes she doesn't. She doesn't owe a penny to anyone, has excellent health insurance, has a good pension from my father & social security every month, and wants for nothing. She has severe spinal stenosis, for which she had a procedure done in December that eradicated almost 100% of the pain. She had very early stage 1 colon cancer in 2009 that she had a colon resection for & did not need radiation or chemo, so she got away lucky with that one. I buy most of the groceries in the house, as well as things for improvements & fixing stuff. I'm good like that, LOL.
Why does she complain & why is she so negative?
Because what else does she have in her life except other elderly people's health problems, other elderly people dying, her back pain gradually coming back, the fear of cancer coming back, etc. She's lucky I live with her, or else she'd have no one to talk to on a daily basis. I have 2 brothers, but they don't really come to see her & call her every now & then. I get it. I don't enjoy it, but I get it. When you're closer to death than you are to birth, I think mortality is always on your mind. Every ache & pain makes you think it's the end.
When I hear people say they want to live to be 100 years old, I laugh. Do those people realize that by that time, all of your friends will be dead, if you're the youngest all of your siblings will be dead, your spouse will probably be dead, you most likely won't be able to live by yourself or drive a car or make your own meals or take a shower/bath by yourself, you'll be deaf, etc? People think when they say they'd like to live to be 100 years old that they'll be in the same shape they were in when they were 50 years old, and that's not the case. The human body is like a car---when you're born, you're like a brand new, shiny car being driven off the lot. As you get older, just like a car, things start to break & need fixing & replacing, the paint starts to peel & rust begins to appear, the tires lost their tread, there are little dents & dings & scratches, and if you manage to keep the car for 30 years, other cars have come along with much better technology so the other cars that would have been 30 years old become obsolete & you don't see them on the road anymore. You're the only 30 year old car left on the road. Who wants to drive a 30 year old car that has rust, dents, bald tires, no radio or air conditioning, broken radio, torn up seats? The owner of the 30 year old car would be complaining about all of those things, just like an elderly person complains about everything in their life.
As I said, my mother complains & is negative-----and I don't like it & it is annoying & frustrating, but I get where she's coming from. I try to keep that in mind, but sometimes I do have to distance myself from her or I'll end up the same way.
Granted no one wants to hear negativity, but if you were a elderly widow who has no way to get out of the house you would be negative to.
Your mother doesn't need see someone like a psychiatrist, I love people who immediatedly suggest that without looking at the situation or putting themselves into the person's shoes.
I think most of us would be depressed/negative is if the only time we get to leave the house is to go to the doctor. Try adding lunch or maybe even a movie after the Dr. appt.