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Imho, you need respite through any means possible, Visiting Angels, a church program and others, else you fall even more ill. Prayers sent.
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Lillian, Whether it's in home care, or assisted living, she needs professional care.

There is also another option for those who need a smaller place, like a residential care home, or board and care. It feels like home, and they have people to talk to and help them.

See what works for you and mom. All the best.
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This will sound cruel to some, but honey, you've done your job. Step back, take care of yourself. Someone said to me, "The elderly are like people who are drowning...(probably because they're scared to die)...they will pull you down and drown you with them if you let them."

Every visit to my dad and stepmom's takes at least 1 hour longer than I plan because we have to fix every little thing and complain about the same stuff as last time. They call over stupid stuff, or leave panicky messages and then forget why they called at all when I ring them back when I hang up from a client call.

My observation in your case, based on what you said, is that you need to just leave. Put her somewhere, or don't, and free yourself. No need to bury yourself in her life. You said, "I've left my husband..." I don't know if you mean you left the marriage or just physically left him behind, but the woman who may have raised you is NOT your priority at this point in your life. YOU are your priority, and only you can make that a reality.

My best advice is DO IT! Throw in that towel, go home and rebuild your marriage/your life/your mental health.
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You don't owe your life over to keeping your mother out of a nursing home. Is it possible that you and your family can move in a live-in caregiver for your mom? That is an alternative to a nursing home and it's a lot less expensive. Many times seniors will refuse outside hired help and expect their kids to do it all instead. Put your foot down. What usually gets the senior onboard with outside caregivers is it's either work with the help or go to a nursing home.
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First of all, I could fill ten encyclopedias with people who extract promises that they never be put into a nursing home. Then people feel guilty when the need is there because of promises made. In some cases, it works out o.k. if people can handle the problems and the stress but other times, it becomes impossible because of needs and behaviors. My rule of thumb is when it starts affecting YOU badly, then you have NO choice - you must look out for yourself first - you still have a life ahead of you. They lived their lives. Set boundaries and if they are violated, then they must go. Never, ever feel guilty. This is a promise that can be broken if you are being harmed by them - without guilt. Just do it. Be the boss now.
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