Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

People don't look at it this way but it's an honor to be able to care for a loved one. You're being hard on yourself and worrying. You did a great thing by letting her move in with you. Cherish the extra time together. It's part of aging process to do stupid(silly) things and repeat yourself. I've said this many times on this site. Best advice a friend gave me, your parent may do or say something that hurts your feelings but don't take it personally, they really don't mean what they are saying. I agree with your husband but that is what I would do, so you don't expose her to the virus but be sure to do things for yourself. Our society was not raised to care for a parent and it's a surprise for most of us and a learning experience on how to manage our own lives and theirs. My mom lived to be 88 and 11 months and I miss her. I know she had the very best in her final days of her life surrounded by family in her own home and bed. So what if she soils the bathroom, it's OK and we need to accept what she is now capable of. Funny how people just clean up after an animal poops, urinates, eating personal things, etc and think nothing of it, it goes with the territory. If it's an elderly parent we are mortified and don't know how to cope.

OMG this is what is happening to me, my Mother took care of her parents 10 years, she moved out of state to care for them. I had just married when she left . I am the only child I was 25 I left home at 23. She was her parents caregiver for 10 years but I refer to it as the slave. She did everything grass, paint the house, laundry, groceries, shopping, appointments. You get the picture. They gave her a minimal allowance. No health insurance. She left there when they died moved in with me. That was 30 years ago. I say she has lived with me 30 years but we have been together 53 years. I only had 12 years without living with her.
But while she was a caregiver she had time off and would come stay with me for 2 weeks. She was fine when she arrived to live with us did her one thing. But was always needy. So if we went on vacation she came along. As time went on she got less & less self sufficient. I left my job to stay home with her 3 years ago .Now the past 4 years she has LBD I am now her slave, she is unable to do anything for herself. It has come to the point now I must feed her. It’s like having a newborn that weighs 125 pounds. She can talk but most of the time she will yell and make odd noises when she is upset. Like a baby will cry when hungry.
and she always always said my daughter will take care of me. I never said I would.
but here I am, another generation of the slaves. And at this point I believe i have burnout. Because I really don’t care about anything at this point.

Hi waren,
First of all no one is obligated to care for their parents. I have been taking care of my mother for twenty years and I do it only out of love. not guilt or obligation. Everyone relationship is different, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother all my life so I did not think twice about caring for her. My mother stares at me most of the time, and when I look at her she smiles. She is the only one in the world who can get away with that. I bought a nice kids piano, my mother loves the piano and I do too. We usually take it out on Sundays for a concert with family participating along with her, she loves it and notice attitude is happy and calm and it is fun for us all. We take a walk with my mom in her W.C around the block for a nice walk. We are in the countryside so we see lovely animals, Canadian geese, birds, and we see neighbors we never new. One man picked a beautiful flower out of his garden and gave it to my mother. We bought a kiddie pool and my mom loves to watch us under her shady tree sipping on lemonade or eating a chocolate bar. Little things add up, it does not matter she does not remember, we are in the moment , things can change in a heart beat so we take one day at a time. I did leave my job twenty years ago and have no regrets in my decision but you have to search your heart. Caregiving at home 24/7 is hard work and is certainly stressful, it is not for everyone. Wishing you the best in your decision.

Wren1984 oh my my my!! Your life mirrors my life!! I
coild say those exact words, every one. I feel your pain, feel assured others share in the same life stresses as you and know that this too shall pass...don’t know when but it shall pass. I get short tempered at Mom, too. I feel guilty afterward and I’m a good Christian girl who asks God for forgiveness constantly. I’m living His plan, not mine, so I believing He will get me through this journey...but I do need coping skills! And am in the process of finding a caregiver support group. Blessings to you my sister. I’ll be looking for answers too.

I am taking care of my grandma and it has been hard, its a lot of work. I have 3 other siblings who dont help, she raised us when her only child passed away at 32. I was starting to feel railroaded into caring for her myself... No one asked me too, they just told and showed her they were unavailable and living their lives. Knowing my grandma deserves to have the help she needed i volunteered. I felt burden settling in and animosity making it harder to care for her. Im 52 and have been disabled for 8 years and just feeling better and ready to get back into life. Not to mention my last of 4 just graduated this year and I'm ready to LIVE or try too. What life I can. However, God saw different and sent me my grandma who bad terrible dementia and otherwise in great health at 97 this year. I love her dearly and feel the strain of caring for her. Nit to mention she took care of herself for this long... I know she dosent want to burden me. She has never had to care for anyone aging in her life, but she took in four children my mom left her with in her passing. She never complained and she did a great job. Ive taken that stress off her and ive worked on me. Besides growing old is an honor, I also would have loved to see her turn 💯 if her mind allowed her too.

What ive done to do this:
❣️Gave up expectations of what i feel life should be like and let it happen. When we force our desires sometimes we end up disappointed.
❣️ let go of expectations of others. You cant make them, just like you shouldn't try to make yourself.
❣️Enjoy my grandma by helping her have life after she could no longer give herself.
❣️ enjoy spending her last days of knowing me.
❣️Make her feel good about herself.
❣️ reward myself and give myself time alone
❣️pray
❣️ encourage her to be at peace as she is hurt by the changes of her mind as well. Remind her that my added brain is there to assist her.
❣️I hold her hand and love the moments she gives me of herself. Sometimes she's too stricken with grief over her loss of memory.
❣️ I became her friend. I love holding her hand and kissing her. My rewards.
❣️ become humble
❣️ talk to someone who can relate.

I also recognize the truth... One day I will be old and may lose my memory. I mean dont want to be a burden to anyone as she didn't. We all may have our day as our parents have had. Please I pray that someone will do the same for me.

Anything we do against our hearts is not done out of love and should not be done.
Find an affordable care for her and visit. Being a caregiver without the heart and love will only hurt her more. It does not make you a bad person. Honesty is always best. But truly you have to search your soul to find the real answers.

Sometimes taking care of someone is finding someone else who can. It’s really hard when you are forced into something you may not be ready for and no one should make you feel badly if you are not in a position to do it right now. There are plenty of willing people who get paid to be caregivers. If you can’t find full time help try to find some part time help so you can have your life too. Love others AS much as you love yourself.... not more, not less.

Check the PACE program is it available in your area? Do not blame your mom, because some day you may have children that may have to make decisions for you who may be watching you take care of your mother.

She hated it, too.

Wren, you do realize that Mom is not entitled to Medicare. Like Social Security, it is taken out of your pay when you work. If you have never paid in you cannot collect. (unless collecting thru spouse) You may be able to apply for Medicaid in the future but I think Mom has to reside here for 5 years to be able to receive the help. By bringing Mom from another country at her age, she doesn't qualify for some of our benefits. So any care Mom needs has to come out of her pocket.

Thank you all - sorry I couldn't answer all of you..mom wants her lunch now...gotta go!

If your mom have been diagnose with dementia you could take her to a facility that is specifically for dementia patients. Or put her in a care home facility near you so you can visit often, but she does not live with you. None of us are equipped to work full time, take care of family and take care of dementia patient to top it off. Life is hard enough. Dementia does change our lives, but if you feel you have had enough, it may be best she stay at a facility.

My mother did it for her parents and sister. I did it for her and she passed in March. Now I’m doing it for my father. I have one sibling but hardly helps. Maybe I can’t sleep at night because I’m stressed and tired but I can feel good that I’ve done all that I can do for them. After all, they did it for me.

No, you are not a bad daughter. You and your mother are two different people. I'm sure your mom didn't want to give up her life to take care of her parents and run herself ragged caring for them for years. If she loves you then she wouldn't want you to ruin your life for years at a time doing the same thing. You say she has no hobbies or interests. Maybe she could get some? Like going to a senior center or adult daycare center a few days a week. She probably won't be receptive to the idea at first because most elders don't want to try anything new. They expect their adult children to alleviate their boredom and to be able to read their minds and predict what they want. No one can do that. Send her to adult daycare or some other senior activity against her will if you must. She will be angry at you for a while but then will very likely appreciate it because it will give her socialization with other people and you both will get a break from each other.

It takes a lot of patience to hear repeated stories. I just start singing my favorite song quietly in my head
If you have photo's of your family (her husband and her parents ect. ) join them together and make a movie out of it with her favorite music playing in the background.
It depends upon the stupid things. As long as she is not hurting anyone, including herself leave her alone.
Get use to the fact you will not get any help from your brother. It is very common with caregivers (the only thing my family helps is helping themselves to her money).
I do not know where you live but in most Western Countries there are agencies that can help you. Look up on Google your local government and non governmental agencies.

I'm in a similar situation and can relate to so much of what you are feeling (the staring thing is so weird, isn't it?). I'm a good daughter, and so are you.

Look into your county's Agency on Aging. They can help you find low- or no-cost options for day center care. I know that's not much help right now during Covid, but one of these days we'll all emerge from this. I'm counting the days until I can get my mom into daycare, for her sake and mine.

Also, joining a support group might help you see that you ARE a good daughter, and you're not alone. Look at Daughterhood.org - they're running virtual support groups right now for people in your exact situation.

Best wishes to you!

Sweetheart don't be so hard on yourself. There are many agencies, affiliations, Some States that pays you to take care of her, contact the office of aging maybe they can assist you if your low income or if she is low income the qualifies you for an aide.

You need to reach out for help it would make it easier to live at home with your mother possibly get back to work a little bit and you would not feel so bad. Alliance on aging.
There are so many resources out there to offer you help you.

Best of luck and warm thoughts!
WhiteFeather

Please keep in mind that some people are caregivers and some are not. Some people are wonderful cooks and some are not. Both are connected to patience perhaps, I’m not sure.

So, no you are not a bad daughter. You are a daughter that knows her limits. In my book, that makes you a smart daughter. You know to get your Mother better care than you can give.

By the way, tell your husband that if someone has to become the caregiver, it will have to be him, lol.

It is totally normal to feel this way. I would advise to get help from professional. This illness can ruin people's live and the sense of guilt will trap you. You said she took care of her eldery parents but was it dementia? Dementia is another ball game. Only those who have taken care of a patient can understand.It gets messy.
We are currently taking care of my MIL and it is literally a village caring for her and I still feel overwhelmed. I dont have children just a job and cant wait to have our lives back. And this is when we feel guilty because the only way to peace is when they pass specially if putting her in a home is not an option like it is not for us because of Cultural barriers. I have visisted some nice places where we could put her in but family does not want to.

People advise putting LO in a home but that costs $5,000 amonth. How are people doing that for long term or even a couple of months

An Independent Living Facility is the answer-- she will have sooooo many friends there--- they all sit with eachother in the dining area 3 times a day and yack ! She will love it. Besides it is safer for them now to be semi-quarantined-- now go do your homework and eat lunch at the few places you like and examine the rooms and the entertainment director's room and yearly entertainment schedule. Good luck. Pick a good one and take her there for lunch along with two other upbeat positive folks in your family. My mother just loved her ILF ( run by Holiday -- I believe all over the country)... Yes you can bring her her favourite Indian Meals off and on.

How can you EVER turn your back on your Mother?? This is unsettling. The fact that you need to ask this question, says all I need to hear. I hope if you have children , you are not their only role model .

Please don’t quit your job or life, you’ll end up getting sick yourself. Where there’s a will there’s a way, your mother came up in a different tradition one we should not carry on at the expense of ourselves.

There are caregivers that could use the work, even tho your husband is pressuring you to quit you’ll be mad at yourself if you do.

Cheerfully find the care she needs however that may look, we don’t have to follow rigid rules of the past where no one was happy.

there are so many options today :)

Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Your Mom needs someone who is patient and loving. Try hiring help?

You are NOT a bad daughter.  In the last generation that is what mothers did mainly because they did not work outside the home and just took care of the house and the family.  Newer times requires more than 1 person working in a household (unless your partner makes big money) and can make it more difficult for the care of a parent to be done by the child.  Don't feel bad that you need your space and that you can't take care of her like she did her parents.  With the beginnings of dementia it is easier now but they go thru so many different stages and she might (not always) go thru a nasty stage, IF you don't think you can handle it......get outside help.  Speak with someone at an office of the aging for guidance.  Again you are NOT a bad daughter.........you are working for your own independence (separate from your hubbys) to make you feel important and doing a school job takes a special person.  Wishing you luck.

"Am I a bad daughter????"
No.
"Mom is physically ok and not ready for memory care."
Based on your description of her behaviors, what makes you so sure that she isn't ready? Is SHE not ready or are YOU not ready to consider it?

I have not read the other comments yet, so if this has been covered, I apologize. Sometimes people, even on this forum, will chastise us for not caring for our parents. Oh, they gave up everything for you, etc. Oh back in the day family always care for family... and so on. However your raising mom onto a pedestal and feeling you are failing at the same is missing some information. Were her parents and your dad just old, medically compromised, frail, etc or did they have dementia? I am well aware that my mother and her sisters took turns caring for their mother. The differences are:
1) their mother did NOT have dementia.
2) their mother was EASY to care for.
3) their mother could be left alone during the day.
4) their mother passed ~age 76 before most of the siblings hit retirement age

I had, many times over the years, considered taking my parents in, even offered once, although I really felt that was NOT going to work out well, at least for me. Mom and dad had a GREAT retirement, traveled a lot, partied a lot with friends and family, had a place in FL for winter, etc. MANY golden years! After dad passed, she was content living in her condo and doing for herself. She was just about 90-91 when signs of dementia showed up. First the car had to go. That wasn't fun. I filled in to take her shopping or deliver supplies. Then I had to take over the finances. She still lived alone, so it wasn't clear how much she was forgetting, but she was content. It became more obvious over time, like finding the fruits/veggies purchased the last time all shriveled up in the fridge! She wasn't cooking, but was relying on frozen dinners and boxed/canned stuff. But, being unable to understand that or plan, she wasn't buying enough to last between trips to the store!

So, if your grandparents and dad did not have dementia, it is still an honorable thing your mother did in caring for them, but it should NOT reflect back on how difficult this is for you. Another factor is whether your mother was working at the time she had to care for them. Back in the day, women could stay home and could provide the care needed for young and old. Today it often takes 2 incomes to make ends meet, but it is also something that many women DO want - a fulfilling existence, working in a chosen loved profession!

Do reconsider whether she might be better off in a MC facility. It doesn't mean you abandon her. It DOES mean that you can become her daughter again, advocate for her and visit her often, instead of being a nursemaid hovering over her and cleaning up after her. Take her out (after virus), bring her gifts, spend quality time with her!

We tried bringing in aides, to keep mom in her home as long as possible, but after less than 2 months she refused to let them in. For multiple reasons (age, my own physical issues, a house that isn't handi-capped and likely can't be, plus a woman who outweighs me by a lot and won't stand/walk without a LOT of help that I can't provide), I chose not to take her in. Her place wouldn't have been a good choice either, so I did my best to find a very nice place, not too far from my house (her condo was 1.5 hr away!), manage everything for her, visit often when I still could and see to it that she gets the best care and her needs are provided for! Even that can take up a lot of time, but it would be better than what you are going through now. Much as we might want to follow in a beloved parent's footsteps, sometimes we have to find a different path - not a bad one, just different. You are NOT your mother and should NOT feel less of yourself that this daunting task has you in over your head!

Dementia REALLY changes everything.

What she did or did not do has nothing to do with you - perhaps it was her culture or brainwashing. YOU have a life to lead NOW. Your husband is taking her side over your being affected by it. This frightens me as to how cultures look at things differently. I am a firm believer that NOT everyone will make a good caretaker with unlimited patience and give up their lives willingly. I take the stand that as soon as their behavior and demands and needs start taking a very bad toll on you, that is the time they must go. And if your husband is not with the and doesn't see it, are you sure you want to be married to him for all time to come? Are you able to support yourself if you have a job. Sometimes being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Please think on this.

I get it. You aren’t a bad Daughter-just a human being who wants a life. Maybe you. Outdoor hire someone to give you a break? Even for a few hours? It makes a difference in patience.

Care taking is very difficult. It is not for everyone. If you can use her monies to pay for a decent assisted living that might be better. Or if you share her care. Part time she stays with another family member?
Join a support group in your town if possible. Check your local senior center. Talk to your friends and family about your stress. Always remember your mom is struggling with old age too. It is horrible to be dependent on someone. Try to see life through her eyes.
It might be time to look into assistance or assisted living.
Most of all, DO NOT BEAT yourself up. Caregiving is hard. Be kind to yourself but make sure your mother gets care.

Sounds like she may be closer to memory care than you may like. Explore all her care options and adjust your expectations of what you alone can accomplish. Are you a bad daughter? It is harder for you because of your family’s tradition of home care only, but when it eventually comes down to it, she will need more care than you can handle.

The answer is that you love and want to care for your mother. All the distress you are feeling is natural. Focus on planning her options.

No you’re not a bad daughter.
My dad had dementia and some other medical issues. I did my best to help him get his independence back but he only went so far .

I knew we couldn’t do home care.
I work, my husband and my daughter have full time jobs. We have to work or we won’t have s roof over our heads. Having people in and out of our house would have been very disruptive.
I knew my dad. He would get angry and not cooperate with me or the caregivers. He did that in the nursing facility but they have several people who could reach him and they come in fresh each shift.
I could not care for him 24/7.
My dad cared for my mom for 15 years. That impacted my life even though they didn’t live with me .
Day in and out I heard his frustration
and it took away my attention from my daughter who was young at the time. I made the best of the situation and so did he buy it’s extremely difficult for one person.
He had the false belief that she would get better but that was not realistic.
Do what’s best for you and your mom when the time comes that you have to. If you get sick she won’t have you so please consider everything.

Best to you and your mom