What should I do if my mom wants me to quit my job to take care of her?

Don't quit your job to wipe her butt. My parents and I usually see my grandmother once a week. We take her grocery shopping and clean up SOME clutter in her house and one load of laundry for her. We are only at her house for 5 hours max. Does she want us to stay longer? Yes! Does she want us to come and wait on her hand and foot? Yes! We have let her know on no uncertain terms is that she gets 9AM to 2PM on Wednsday for us to help her. She is responsible for everything else the rest of the week. If she wants a clean house, she will have to hire something like Merry Maids to do it. Wants somebody to take care of the yard, she will need to hire someone to do it. Same thing if she needs something from the store. We will not be at her beck and call to do anything else for her. If she won't let paid help in or pay for help, that's on her, not us.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB! From what you've described, this woman would not be satisfied with any level of sacrifice. Let her alone for a while. It's what she says she wants.

I quit my job about three years ago to be more of a companion to my mother, who was suffering from depression and anxiety. My circumstances were different than yours; I was ready to leave that job, but if not for my mom, would have started seeking a new job. Things have worked out okay for us, and my mother is essentially a reasonable, kind human being. But I do think that having me around constantly was not an unmixed blessing for my mom. She became more dependent on others because she was not compelled to do more for herself. She had a serious stroke late last year, which has left her with some cognitive issues. Fortunately, we now have in-home care for her, but in the first few weeks after the stroke, she would yell for me every night, multiple times. Sometimes it was that she needed to use the commode, but other times it would be something along the lines of, "There is a rope around me (not in reality) and I want to take it off." Now we have caregivers at night, but she still yells for me, I think more often than I realize since the caregivers are very kind to me as well as to her. My being available round the clock when she was well set her expectations, and now that she is disabled, those expectations are a lot more difficult to meet. This is just a long-winded way of saying that you'll only make things worse, not better, by giving up your work that you enjoy.

Hi, I feel for you.. Speaking as an adult child, with both mentally declining parents who insisted on remaining in their home until the end, I will share this. I did quit my job and moved in with my folks to temporarily assist them for what was to be approximately 6 months. That was almost 2.5 years ago. Pros: It saved them a huge chunk of money. It gave me a chance to really get to know my family dynamics. It taught me how to prepare for death. It gave me intense time with two people who will very soon be gone. I learned a lot about dementia and Alzheimer's. I met some really amazing people in my support groups. I developed a whole new skill set I didn't even know I had. It gave me a sense of purpose immediately after my youngest child left home. It gave me a new understanding of how to deal with grieving. Cons: My life has been completely disrupted. Trying to be the parent of parents in their home with complete role reversal is a nightmare. I took all the abuse and was at the receiving end of a lot of anger. (Although this behavior was a result of their dementia, it didn't hurt any less) It took me out of the job market for a large gap on my resume (BTW, I'm 55, a single parent and my kids are grown. My empty nest soon had some very stubborn old birds in it !) Financially, although my free care was great for my folks, it became a hardship for me. I was beginning to see an issue down the line of trying to get a job again. All in all, maybe it was better for my folks to stay in their home financially but as the sole caregiver 24/7 for a year and then 12/7 for a year, my finances suffered, my social life suffered, my health suffered and my resentment of their decision to stay home until they died festered and grew. I got angry at my parents, my siblings and myself for enabling things to remain at status quo. I became the poster child for caregiver burn out. Maybe it's because I had 2 to take care of simultaneously, but regardless, it's a huge and long undertaking that one needs to be prepared for physically, emotionally and mentally. I discovered soon enough why outside care is so costly. However the "costs" on the family member who becomes the caretaker can also be huge. There is no one right solution. You need to do what works best for you. Just remember whatever path you choose, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU... best of luck on the journey to the final destination.

This group has been so supportive and for that I'm very thankful! I've been doing a lot of thinking about our situation - and while it sounds like it's better than several of you (living with your elderly parents - OMG!) My mother asked to come and live with us years ago and my husband said a resounding NO! We have a tri-level home so that means stairs up and stairs down - and my mom doesn't navigate stairs well. She has a bad knee and her weight issues prevented her from doing any exercises (that's her story) to strengthen her ability to walk without a cane/walker, etc.

She's been to our home many times and always says the same thing - why don't you SELL this place and get a nice ranch - all on ONE level! You know you're going to have trouble with those stairs yourselves (we're 64 and 71, and so far are able to navigate the stairs just fine). She's even gone so far as to tear out those magazine ads for the 'chair lift' - why YOU should get some of these on your stairs so that YOU can get up and down...huh? Why would we spend $1200 on each of those chair lifts? We don't need them...but she DOES!

Basically my husband just put his foot down and said 'No Way' is she ever coming to live with us - when I told him of her request. It's not that they didn't get along either - at that time it was her incessant talking - mostly about her ex-husbands and the mess THEY made of her life.

I've discussed all this blame-game previously - but every mistake she's ever made was in response to someone else's decision to move, not to move; go, don't go, eat the wrong things, not exercise, not have surgery (although she had great insurance being married to an auto worker for many years)...it was just one reason after another - and now her health is poor and she's on many meds (btw, she gets all her Rx's mailed to her home from Humana - wonderful company that takes care of all of that). Her doctor is a Visiting Physician and comes to her home as well - so that was two things I got right when we first moved her to our state - so we could help look after her (when I say 'we' it's just me and hubby - her son-in-law)...no other siblings.

The criticism of me and my home - once she was here and told me 'your house is like a museum' - everything in place...(unlike hers which is a disaster area)... Told me that I was 'too picky' and 'prissy'...everything so perfect...snide and sarcastic remarks.

And then when she says 'You don't want me at your house' - do you wonder why? I don't mind when she comes to my home, but she complains the entire time; my stomach hurts, I can't get up those stairs to the bathroom - couldn't you set up a portapotty or something there in the kitchen/dining room area that I could get to easily? (Are you kidding?)

We made a decision back in 1995 to purchase this place (with the stairs) - while she lived in another state and long before any thoughts of her needing my help. I just sit here and shake my head at her audacity to ask such a thing of us - we're just middle class folks- not in a position to be buying/selling our home and starting over somewhere to suit her...

As far as giving up my job - I think that's right up there with not selling our home to accommodate her. I'm so worn out when I spend time with her - I go home to my job and my solace (I work alone) and thankfully have a loving and supportive husband who understands my mental condition after time spent with my mother - he's aware of the mental beating I've just endured - and that this time was the last straw. I'm not going back over to her apartment - I'm not calling her. And by the same token - she hasn't called me...ok.

As far as getting her any help - that train has left the station. I'd make some calls, etc. but all of the agencies that I've looked at on-line want information about me - and I'm a non-participant at this point. She's played her last card with me as far as I'm concerned. She can call someone for support/help if she wants to - otherwise the last person I'm going to discuss this with (as far as getting help for her is concerned is her doctor). She's abused and discarded everyone who's ever tried to help her - and now she's done that to me too...if I sound angry - I am...but I don't think my reaction to her is out of pure anger - it's been coming for a long time - it was just a matter of how much of her abuse I was going to take before I said, enough.

I agree about not quitting job, but when it's your mom it's hard to just close the door completely. I've been living with mine for ,9 yrs now. I have given up my life, and not sure I'd do things exactly the same if I had a re-do but she gave me life and I do feel like it's my responsibility to make sure she is OK and needs met. You have been given some good advice. Just have to do what your conscience can live with. I'm sure your mom loves you in her own way and probably. Missed you, but agree thier should be boundaries for your sanity. Best of luck

I have always been baffled by the word "independent" where some of our parents are living "independently" in their own home or independent in a retirement community. Well, if they are so independent, why are we [the grown children] so exhausted???

I noticed with my parents, I had to change my lifestyle in order for my parents to continue on with theirs. Like taking Mom to 3 different grocery stores because each one had special sales. It took hours of my time for Mom to save $6 on groceries. Even if I went out and bought groceries, Mom would want me to take back an item because I was overcharged by 10 cents. Eventually I decided just to give Mom a dime from my wallet and pretended to have gone back to the grocery store... I made some scribbling notes on the receipt to make it look like I had been there.  Then I discovered Peapod on-line grocery which had home delivery.

Before I found the Aging Care forum, I didn't know that I could actually say "no", with a lot of practice.

I had a discussion with a friend of mine about this same topic yesterday!! Don't quit your job and stay away from her. Hey, she asked! You're just following mother's orders!

My mom is 69 (I am 49, with a 16 year old daughter) and we live in the same house (bad bad mistake on my end!). My mom still works a full time job, but she still wants me to change my hours so that I am home in the daytime with her (she works in the evenings). There are some cognitive issues going on with her...the fact that she is a drinker is not helping with them. Right now, she is at the point where she can't find stuff, yells at everyone to not touch her things and we find her stuff in one of the many bags that she throws things in. The "piece de resistance" now is that she cannot find her 2015 taxes (that I did for her but she didn't file), but I am suppose to stop everything and look for them, even though she said don't touch her stuff. I responded back with "if you can't find your stuff, LOOK HARDER".

Your mother has lived her life and made her mistakes with it. You and your husband need to live yours so that you can "fill the glass" so that you can help others. Can't help anyone else from an empty glass. Hugs to you, sis!

This entire thread has totally captivated my attention. Why? Because we are starting this same path with my in-laws. We went thru something different with my own mother (96, dementia, now in a NH) & I truly never understood when reading threads like this. Well, now I certainly do -- we are living it! All advice given is so very helpful.

I would like to add my vote to the DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB club. Someone on here said a long time ago that we are entitled to our lives just as much as they are. Just because they need more help doesn't mean that we should put our lives, hopes, dreams on hold.

In addition to this site, a local caregiver support group gave me the strength to set & stick to boundaries. Good luck!

my IN LAWS floated the idea by my husband when he was out there recently that we should move to take care of them. Yes, two adults quit good jobs and pull our son out of school to move across country to take care of them. At age 75 they moved to a small town with no amenities for the elderly and now want us to help them stay in their house. My husband laughed and said "no". I think sometimes our elders' world shrinks and they almost do not realize the enormity of what they are asking us to give up for them. We help as we can and are willing to (while visiting - help stain the deck) but other things we say "no" to (such as the move across country). I will help my mom research help on line, but i say "no" to bringing her groceries in and cleaning her apartment. She lives 150 miles away and expects me to come up each Saturday to do this for her. "no" she can have groceries delivered and hire a cleaning service. But don't quit your job - your financial future will be toast.

SueGeo, you are not alone. My sister & I are in the midst of a very similar mess with our verbally & emotionally abusive mother (she's 83). Three months ago she fell when getting out of bed & broke her arm. I spent the entire day at her side in the hospital while they took x-rays, etc. She was fine & we actually had a pleasant day together. While she was being discharged she had a small stroke, so had to be admitted. Long story short, she & our father (who has dementia) were ordered by the rehab facility she was sent to & the hospital to have live-in help. She expected we, as her dutiful daughters, would take leaves of absence from our jobs, that I would abandon my husband & home, that my sister would abandon her life as well--to care for them. We are not able nor willing to do that. She couldn't understand how, after a lifetime of having us at her beck & call, we were standing our ground & standing up for ourselves. This did not sit well with her, to put it mildly. Like your mother, ours has belittled, insulted, berated, and generally emotionally abused us our entire lives. She embarrassed us in front of our friends as children, bad-mouthed us to my husband & my sister's daughters behind our backs. She fired the aide who was there, after treating her in the worst way--calling her names & hurling insults every chance she got. Visiting Nurses were in place for in-home therapy, but once her arm was healed, they were discharged, so now they're alone in their house. For several years we'd been grocery shopping & taking care of their laundry & whatever else they needed (our mother has trouble walking & doesn't like to drive). This experience apparently has sent her over the edge, and while I appreciate that it was unpleasant having a stranger living with them, it's over now. She refuses to let it go, and brings it up every time we see her or talk on the phone. I can't even write here the things she says about the very kind aide who was helping them. She said to me one day that she has "two worthless daughters, one worse than the other." Every time we've been there since this happened has ended with her screaming insults at us, with zero provocation. Most recently she's told us outright to never go to their house again. The last time was 2 weeks ago when I went there for a visit. She said "I never want to lay eyes on you again." This was prompted by NOTHING. In the half hour I was there that day she constantly threw digs at me, which I didn't react to, and I could sense her building up to explode, and she didn't disappoint. A week earlier my sister brought groceries & their laundry to them. Our mother said "Put that stuff down & get out." It's one thing to have no choice, as children, to be forced to endure that behavior, but as adults with our own families & lives, there's no reason we should. We have to protect ourselves from any further emotional damage. When someone makes it crystal clear they don't want us around, why would we force ourselves on them? It's very sad that we've been put into these situations, and as difficult as it is, really the only solution is to obey their wishes & stay away. I wish you the best & hope all of us dealing with this distress can learn to separate it from the good parts of our lives & be happy.

theisland girl: "my money is necessary for some of her care as every little bit is going toward my father's care until I can get to the point of selling their home."

I hope you get paid back for the money you are spending toward your father's care. And I hope the darling golden boy brother is also contributing!

"She finds things that it almost seems she wishes I had-IE she has bad veins in her legs and she's looking at mine, which are fine and telling me I have broken down ones....one of many picks."

Yes! My mother does this. I'm supposed to listen to her endless complaints and she says, "Just wait until YOU are old!" And she asks me, "Are your hands arthritic yet?" She picks and pokes at me if I have so much as a bandaid on.

Some good advice already written. Let me second that. DO NOT quit your job. I was in essentially the same situation with my Dad. I set up the help, and when they came he refused to let them do anything. Didn't kick them out, but only allowed them to sit and watch TV with him, and heat up the dinners that I had cooked at my home a brought over. Hiring them created more work and more complaints from him. ( I OK'd the TV watching, mainly because he needed someone to keep an eye on him, and stop him from calling me for a few hours.) Anyway, the incessant complaints and demands never ended, with or without the helpers. The stress was killing me, so I did a dumb thing, and chose to retire four years early. Those few years ended up costing me nearly two-thirds of my pensions.

Most pensions are set up so that the vast majority of your pension money is earned in you last few years of working. Leave early and you lose. After 28 years work, my pension would have tripled had I stayed just another 3 and a half years. ) I honestly don't know what I could have done differently, as the situation was untenable, either way. My being retired just let him think he was free to harrass me even more. And the misery continued to just get worse, untill (as others have mentioned) a crisis put him in the hospital, and the social workers there got involved, and I was able to place him in a nice dementia care facility. (Be forewarned, placement does NOT end the stress and work and harrassment. It just changed it, but gave me peace of mind, that he was safe, and the ability to walk out, when the verbal harrassment went over the top.

I wish you well.

You have your hands full!! Lots of very good advice and suggestions on this thread!
My mom is not manipulating as yours is but she has dementia and might be in stage 6. She's still active which gets her in trouble. She kept ESCAPING the facility so I have her back in her home.
My huge aid and discovery is Council on Aging; its nationwide in the United States. Find one near you and get a list of all their amenities. Mine has dementia daycare!! A bus picks up my mom (complete with a nurse on it) keeps her mind and body active; gets lunch/they drop her back off at a MUCH MIRE AFFORDABLE PRICE than home caregivers. Plus she is "offset" from her former routine of being the boss in the house. She fought me, at first, but now looks forward to the bus ride and the day. It's just weekdays but I can get so much taken care of without her here!! the program is about 5 hours, so when I was working I had a caregiver service greet her and take care of her for a few hours before I returned. They have lots of practical help at the COA; worth checking out to find out everything. If your senior is in their home they offer many cleaning services for a small donation (carpets/windows). Be centered in your decision. If you are not near retire age (I was) keep the job.
I did wind up quitting and moved up here to care for mom; knew no one in town. I hadn't played flute since high school but took a few lessons and the teacher said I should join the community band. I bring mom with me as we practice for 2 hours each week. They love her! I found community!! I'm actually getting better at playing and it's become a surprise joy!! Music is so healing. There IS an answer that could bring blessings and surprises amidst the pain of decisions.❤️

I agree with everyone here. My mom can be sweet but, can also be mean, controlling and a bit manipulative.

She too suggested I stop working and care for her. She too would tell me things like, why don't you just listen to me.

I did exactly what the first response suggested, stopped doing so much for her, ignored her when she mistreated me. It has really shaped her behavior towards me. Now, my brother and his family support her s lot more than I do.

I know you love her but, don't give up your life for her. You'll regret it and believe me, she won't appreciate it.

I say get over the GUILT! There is no place in your life for guilt...which by definition means you've done something wrong. You also need a therapist to talk to and sort things out. Yes, venting here is helpful and you've gotten good advice. But after living with this mother of yours in such abusive conditions, there's more that needs doing from a professional. Priority is you...she's shown you who she is, made her choices and set HER boundaries. Now you set yours. She needs medication management but don't see how that will happen. Sad really but there it is. Just because she's a blood relative doesn't mean you need to "go on a picnic and have potato salad with her"...to quote something Oprah said once about forgiving people. Give her a list of agencies, grocery stores that deliver, pharmacies that deliver and move away from the anger, abuse and spewing of mean verbiage. Tell her you don't have time and mean it.

SueGeo--

Don't quit your job! I hope you walk away from this mess and let the chips fall where they may. She's done this to herself. Protect yourself. Sorry you are going through this but glad you made a great life for yourself despite a nut parent.

With all due respect, at this point in time, I don't think it's "up" to your mother weather she wants to go into assisted living or not. If these types of things keep happening, it's best that, that's where she goes. I take care of my 85 year old mother (so I can't work). I have "5" other siblings, but she wanted to live with me, besides the fact that none of them offered to take care of her. So if I can't work, she pays me every month. It's still very, very hard because it's a 24/7 job in and of itself.

My mother will be back from rehab on Wednesday and will be back to living with my husband and I in our small condo and if things are not going better once she gets here, she will be going into some sort of living arrangement which will be determined once I see how things are going. I know her idea is for me to quit my job and care for her, however that is just not going to happen. I need it just to keep the little sanity I have left, not to mention my money is necessary for some of her care as every little bit is going toward my father's care until I can get to the point of selling their home.

I hate to think of my mother as a narcissist, however there were so many things that could have been prevented before all of this happened. She ran herself down as caregiver to my father who has dementia and would take no suggestions from anyone before everything hit the fan. It's left me very confused and for lack of a better word, angry. I'm now expected to walk in and correct all of the stuff that's going on....the problem is just so big that I really just want to run away! Throw in her criticisms of me (her only concerns seem to be about my brother) and all that she feels that I've done wrong, starting with moving into a condo which we did for our own sanity as every day for the past seven years had us running here and there and we couldn't do anything for our own home. She finds things that it almost seems she wishes I had-IE she has bad veins in her legs and she's looking at mine, which are fine and telling me I have broken down ones....one of many picks. I'm so very tired of this crap!. So I say to you, do NOT quit! You aren't going to help the situation for yourself in the long run. All it will do is cause more frustration for you. My mother has been depressed the majority of her life....never wanted to face realities. Funny, I'm the one doing that now.

I sidestepped the doctors and called a local mental health agency and got my mother there for evaluation. Most cities have places you can call if you feel you have an emergency. All you have to say is that you think she may hurt someone, including herself. My mother has suffered from mental illness all of my life. It was getting progressively worses to the point that I would pick her up from AL and she would have a scarf over her head telling me she was an India Princess for the day. Cue forward 5 months - we found the right medication, given in the form of injection once a month and mother no longer insults me or acts like she is someone else. AND she is compliant. Just a suggestion. Also, I totally agree with the other fabulous advice you have been given. Do not quit your job or put your mother first. Do not feel guilt. Good luck and God Bless!

Guilt plays a huge role when we want to help our parents. My sister and I got to a stage where we felt will do and make sure my dad has everything he needs and is super comfortable and that's kind of it. Entertainment was limited due to the fact that I thought when you reach the 80's, surely its been a full life and comfort more than anything is more important. Ii's still a tough decision to make, and once they're gone, we feel we could have done more, but it is just like that. It just is, no matter how much you've done. Good luck.

I have a mother who is 90 and still lives independently with my help two days a week. She is very similar to yours, and expects me to wait on her hand and foot (I'm 61). About 15 years ago, I realized the extent of her manipulation that stemmed back to my childhood, and put myself and my family first.
I work from home and love my job, and even though my mother thinks that means I have more time for her, I do not. My husband retired 3 years ago and we also help take care of our 3 year old grandson, which we love to do!
Slowly but surely, you need to establish boundaries with your mother and keep your priorities strong. Don't allow her unreasonable demands and demeaning comments to take over your life.
My mother didn't like it when I finally stood up to her and established and kept my boundaries. But she realized that as her only child I'm all she has and now allows a trusted family friend to take her out in addition to what I do for her. I have also had many private meetings with her doctor for the day when I need his assistance to allow in more skilled help. She could have that help now, but she's stubborn, so she has to live with her decisions, which I remind her are hers and hers alone.
Whenever she tries to guilt me into more care, I remind her of all of her options, and that I am doing what I can do to help her. I love her dearly, but if I allowed her to, she would take over my life with total disregard for anyone else. Each situation is different and difficult in its own ways, and I wish you the best!

SORRY- I know that she is your actual Mother, but personally I would treat her exactly like any other certifiable lunatic. The woman is clearly nuts, off the scale....do yourself, and your husband a big, fat favour, and just forget that you know her. Personally, I would. There is no justification for maintaining any kind of relationship with this person, whether it be for feelings of filial duty, guilt, or whatever......scrub round it- go to the cinema, eat chocolate, and GET A LIFE. This comes to you with love from someone you don't even know. TRUDI GRAY

Thanks for your suggestions on the bullet points! Great ideas there. I will definitely work on my dissertation and extract only the pertinent points - no physician is going to read past the first 5 lines. (I know, I work for a busy neurosurgeon, and he's told me he has about that much attention...and the rest is just 'noise'. Better say it clearly, concisely and get the point quickly with this message - otherwise it'll be lost.

I also agree with pamz - I love my job; need the health insurance benefits for my husband and I; am building up my retirement fund so that I won't be a pauper in my golden years; and I'd like to hold off on SS as long as possible to obtain max benefits. My job is challenging enough to keep me interested and keep my mind active. Even though I'll be 64 next month - I'm no where ready to throw in the towel! It's the best job I've ever had - the people I work with are great - the work is interesting - and best of all - I get to work from the comfort of my home. That being said, though, it does require me to be AT HOME for the majority of the day. I have a lot of flexibility but don't want to take advantage of my employers generosity (in allowing me to work from home) or abuse the privilege. There's also a directive in our organization's SPG - no employee shall be allowed to work from home where there are small children or elderly people are present who require the employee's time/attention. In other words if you're working from home, you'd better be working - not attending to the needs of others. I can toss in a load of laundry or put something in the oven for dinner; but I have to remain focused on my work and available to my managers when/if they want to discuss or work on a project. All of my work is project based fortunately, so I get paid on a salary and not hourly...but getting the projects done on time and accurately is the ultimate goal.

Too many outings with mom or assuming responsibilities involving her care would negate the arrangement I made with my employer - so as it stands, I'm choosing my job over my mom's care. And you're right - with my job I feel appreciated, valued and am well compensated for my efforts. With my mother I feel demeaned, unappreciated and downright resentful of her preposterous assumptions (about other people) and the mess that she considers the 'norm'. I get nervous visiting her because it smells bad, it's filthy and in a state of disarray and disorganization from one end to the other - I feel compelled to clean, wash dishes, vacuum, take out trash rather than sitting there visiting with her...

So I guess, for now since she hasn't called me and I haven't called her...we're going to maintain some distance. I really can't take any more of her caustic comments now anyway.

My hope is that she will reach out to one of the many care organizations that she's had in the past to see if one of them can be persuaded to return to her home to help her. Talk about burning bridges - she usually leaves them with such a poor impression of her - with her complaints and that overwhelming mess she makes - that I'd be embarrassed to call any of them if it were me.

I'll contact the doctor with my abbreviated comments via their email patient portal. Hopefully it'll result in some action on his part. I'll keep you posted.

I am going to address just one small issue here, with you quitting your job, and your health issues. My Mom also says this to me sometimes, as she lives with hubs and I. Hubs lost his job 2 years ago, and as we have a large property and another to look after it made sense for him to stay home and do that, and look after mom.. instead of hiring someone ( which she would balk at ). I need the dang heath Insurance!! I have the bigger paycheck. but the cost of health care is the deciding factor in my house! Mom could afford to pay me,,, but the cost of health insurance would be awful.. we are only 58 and 60,, a few more years until we qualify for aid. And I want to bump up our retirement and SS as long as I can. Plus I love my job!!

SueGeo, you are very articulate and a good writer. I'm sure you can do a bullet list for a busy doctor.

Sit with your 8 pages and a colored pencil (if this is printed out, or do it online). On the first pass through, take out all the details that frustrate you but which are not necessarily signs of mental illness. For example, she blames your father's genes for you getting cancer. While I agree that is crazy, it is not certifiable, if you see what I mean.

Then go through again, and take out all the mentions of problems in the past. What she did in her previous home could be a supporting detail, but not a main point.

Are you ready for a third round? After having read and re-read this, what are the main points a doctor should know? Maybe something like this: (Just an example ... you'll do better)

I am concerned about my mother's mental health, for the following reasons:

1) Mother needs help with activities of daily living and she refuses to accept any paid help.
2) Escalating anger, making scenes in public
3) She frequently imagines sexual scandals on no basis
4) She is living in unsanitary conditions

After you've settled on the main points, add BRIEF details, picking not necessarily the details that are most annoying, but the ones that seem most related to mental decline.

Keep in under a page if at all possible, and in bullet points, not paragraphs.

I think this is worth doing, and an evaluation by her PCP would be worthwhile. Perhaps some aspects of her problems (such as depression) could be helped with medical intervention.

On the other hand, this has been a life-long problem. Your mother is and has been mentally ill. Unfortunately, there is no cure or treatment program for npd.

The fixable problem, in my mind, is totally under your control. You need to detach from this sick person -- emotionally and not just physically. And after a lifetime of this dysfunctional relationship I suspect you are going to need guidance and support to do this. See a therapist who has specific experience with children of narcissists.

She wants you to quite your job. Don't quit your job. Don't discuss it. Hang up or leave if she persists talking about it. She wants a ride to the grocery store. Say, "No. Wait until your fridge is clean." Just because she has crazy ideas doesn't mean you have to go along with them.

I think a period of physical detachment is a good idea, too. Perhaps after some counseling you'll be in a better position to visit her without being emotionally exhausted by it.

And keep reminding yourself -- this is Not Your Fault.

BarbBrooklyn, I decided to take your advice and write something up with the intentions of sending it to my mother's doctor...it turned into 8 pages. I doubt that he's going to read all of these details. It's very hard to encapsulate all of my mom's issues into a succinct report that a busy doc is going to read. How, oh how, do I detach from this thing emotionally and make bullet points about her inability to care for herself and her rage toward me, my sister (in the past - who has estranged herself from my mother); other relatives, neighbors, previous caregivers, even people from the church. It's all just gushing out into this 'note to the doctor'! I need an editor! Ideas/suggestions for creating a concise, yet informational note to the doctor?

Agree with CM on this. She's seriously mentally ill. She's also going to get evicted for attracting vermin. Does management have your number?

I don't know why the doc isn't getting back to you if the HIPAA paperwork is on file. I'd send him a written dossier and ask if he's considered an inpatient assessment of her mental health.

Oh, and one last thing - I'm a kidney cancer survivor, have recovered from tachycardia which required cardiac catheterization and an ablation and many bouts of skin cancers (fortunately all are removed and I go in for checks regularly) - my mom has never had cancer (blames my father's side of the family for those genetics, but forgets that her father had prostate cancer; her brother's daughter had a rhabdomyosarcoma and died around age 3 or 4. No diabetes or other serious illness until about 6 years ago - due to her weight and lack of exercise and poor eating habits developed congestive heart failure. Her mental issues have been lifelong -and she threatens me constantly by saying 'I've never been in such a mess (really? - seems to me that you've always been in this mess)-I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and then you'll have to take me to the psychiatric hospital - (again? She's been there, done that already)...constantly waving and flapping about her nerves, depression, and loneliness - but all activities that I suggest (how about going to the Senior Center? How about calling the People's Bus and just going shopping? How about going to church?)..most or all of my suggestions are met with, 'well I didn't get anything done today to clean up this mess' so I can't go anywhere until this mess is cleaned up - but it's never cleaned up because she doesn't feel like cleaning it up...

I reminded her recently that her apartment down South was a nightmare - with clothes piled so high in front of the closet door that you couldn't even get the door open! Everything was filthy; clothing mixed up - clean and dirty - floors covered with debris; every surface of the kitchen was filled with empty jars, dishes - both clean and dirty; old food in pots and sitting around here and there; a bucket sitting on the kitchen floor filled with coffeegrounds, eggshells and old food - for the compost (in an apartment again - where it's not welcomed to be putting out rotting decomposing food)...I cleaned that apartment for days - before moving her into assisted living - and finally just got enough of her stuff out to make her comfortable - her clothing and personal items - and locked the door. I had worked for days to remove personal paperwork that had stacked up for years - so that I could safely dispose of it - bags and bags and bags of paperwork. Every medical receipt, every EOB, every piece of paper that had ever come in...was still in that apartment.

Today her apartment is essentially the same kind of mess...and there's no hope for getting it cleaned up..because I refuse to go over there on a daily basis and clean it for her...things have returned to the old normal...Last Summer I had two surgeries and didn't feel like much - for the entire Summer...and am just now starting to feel human again and have tried to help her...and you've heard the rest of the story. I will try to take care of myself (exercise, proper eating) and take care of my home, husband, son and pets - and all the other stuff that comes with life - while I work fulltime - at my job I love and hope to keep until I get too old to do it...hope that's a long time away.

I'm not saying I don't agree that you should stay away if that's best for you, I do agree that you really do need to protect yourself. But I think you can dismiss her "get out of my house" instruction: I doubt if there is any substantial intention in much of what she says - it's a sort of combined dramatic effect and stream of consciousness that she seems to be producing. Hence her blaming you for the loss of contact (not to mention her extraordinarily creative view of her neighbours). She's not lying; it's more that there never was any meaning, any reasoning going on. So she doesn't get why would you have taken her so literally, as I expect she sees it.

So if you're worried and want to get in touch, don't wait for her to contact you, just carry on regardless.

Um. She is completely barking, no? You can't get anyone to consider forcing a mental status assessment on her?

Countrymouse, my mother has had some of these episodes that have lasted several years - then she 'blames' me for not calling her - really? After the screaming and insults to GET OUT! DON'T COME BACK and other hateful words - why would I call her? It was for the best for her and her then husband to move to the south - for 'retirement' - things there were the same as they were here (where we all lived not too far apart for over 20 years) Her home was filthy, in a state of disarray and always a mess. My step-father and sister put up with it and tried to do their best but whenever I visited it was just that way - a mess. She always blamed others for her issues - her being fat (over 300 pounds) because of my bad marriage and taking care of mentally ill people (sister has schizophrenia, step-father - not sure what he had (never dx by a doctor to my knowledge, but she browbeat him and was mean/cruel to him as a retaliation for him going to work every day and having 'associates' at work that he'd talk to or mention (that soon turned into 'he was having an affair with a man at work' to quote her. She never had proof of that...but she firmly believed it! They'd fight and argue and she'd pick at him until he would fight back - oh what fun. That lasted 29 years and finally they separated - and then she was alone - in another state - moving from place to place until she finally landed in an apartment - she seemed to do very well at first - liking and making new friends - but soon the trouble started - someone would say something or look the wrong way - or infringe on her 'space' in some way - parking in her spot or walking on her lawn (in an apt complex) you really don't have any personal space to my knowledge...she'd start to resent the neighbors and sit in her apt watching them come and go - and spinning up tales about them. She'd tell me the neighbor lady was having an affair with her grown son - because her son lived with her - preposterous! He had a girlfriend...

Oh well...I regress. This is a lifelong pattern with her - conjuring up bad things about people she doesn't even know - she's done exactly the same thing with her neighbors where she's at now - in her apartment - sits and watches the neighbors come and go - this one is crazy - that one is a liar; the other one's children come to see her EVERY DAY - but not her daughter - who is worthless and doesn't help her own mother...

OMG, if I had a nickel for every time she's said that, I'd be a millionaire!

I will take your advice and stay away - until she calls me or until someone from a healthcare concern (ER, Hospital, etc.) calls me - and then I'll advise them of the situation. I have gotten my mother to sign HIPAA paperwork that allows her doc to discuss her care with me - but still my phone calls went unanswered.

Her mental status declined sharply around February this year when she said she had a UTI - was given an Rx for Bactrim and it made her sick. She felt like she was having some kind of strange experience - couldn't remember anything and couldn't carry on a conversation with me on the phone - not sure what was going on - the doctor went there and sat with her - and told her she'd be okay - apparently it wasn't a stroke or any type of life threatening reaction, but she keeps telling me and everyone else who will listen that the medication she was taking 'blew out her mind' - I tend to agree. Something happened at that time that caused her mental status to decline and now she's fearful and angry and confused; has trouble remembering anything except the past...and her tolerance of me and anyone else trying to help has diminished.

I want to express my deep appreciation for this group - for your kind words. Knowing there are others who are going through a similar situation (some worse, some better) has been helpful. I was able to get through the day - but barely a minute went by that I didn't think or worry about my mother - I hope she's okay. I've done everything I can for her - but I refuse to be a victim of her abusive behavior. When she's ready I'm hoping she'll call a caregiver - she certainly has enough cards and brochures from all the previous organizations I've contacted to come and help her (Home Instead, Caring Hearts, Right at Home) She's aware of Visiting Angels but I've not contacted them - and various independent ladies who she dismissed for one reason or another because she just couldn't stand them being in her home - some moved too fast, others too slowly; one scrubbed on her toaster with a brillo pad and scratched it...she had told me about that every time I've been there since it happened (about 8 months ago)...I finally ordered a new toaster for her...it's sitting there in the box - she won't open it until she gets rid of the moths (an occurrence that was due to storing bird seed in her coat closet that was infested with moths) - I took all her coats to the dry cleaners and hired a lovely quiet lady who came in and scrubbed the walls, floors, vacuumed, cleaned until there were no more moths - and now they're back! I told her to call apartment management and have them come and spray for bugs - she has moths because they're feeding on all the crumbs and food debris she has all over the place - banana peels, egg shells, coffeegrounds (these are being saved for the compost - in a tiny strip of land just in front of her deck, there's just enough soil for a few flowers - now all sunflowers which she cannot take care of)...but she insists on saving all the compostable items to add to the soil - which I believe will draw unwanted pests; everyone in the complex received a letter last year informing them not to feed birds, animals of any kind because they're getting into the roofs...and it goes on and on...

Bless you all for being there and listening to me...thank you for your kind words and thoughts.