What to do about Mom who fakes strokes?

It's difficult to stay mentally healthy yourself, when you are surrounded with dysfunction and untreated mental illness. We just do the best we can. I find peace in that.

If your mom has been controlling throughout their marriage, he may be in "go along to get along mode", which I think is common of men in such relationships. It's easier to just do what they want than deal with the wrath, tears, guilt trips if they try to say no.
He can't confront her because he just can't. Not a healthy dynamic, I realize, but one that occurs all too often.

Thank you sunnygirl and babalu for the advice (and "permission"?).to not feel like I'm responsible for dads health when he gets worn out from dealing with moms nonsense. . I really appreciate it,...never thought about dad feeling empowered in some way..that's interesting, at least that would explain why he allows it to continue.

I'll take the advice and when I'm called again to help dad feed, bathe, dress, take her to the bathroom, etc I will simply say "I will be happy to once she's been to the dr and I know why she can't do these things for herself - but until I know why she can't do them for herself, I'm not available to help you."

I really feel better having a game plan AND knowing I'm not the only one.. thanks to all of you for your responses.

I have gone through it. It's a process and there are no quick fixes. The patient is often in denial and resistant to change and treatment. It's a long journey and things may not turn out the way you want. If your dad stopped taking her to her psychiatrist appointments then he is really hindering things. Sometimes the dysfunction is so thick it's difficult to get through it. Your dad may be in some way empowered by this behavior of your mom.

Between the two of them refusing treatment for her condition, I'm not sure what you expect to be able to do.

I think you need to step back and allow your parents to continue their dance. They've been doing it for a long time. Until dad gets fed up (won't happen) or dies or leaves ( as in, has to go to a facility), nothing will change. Structural disruption is what will make a difference. Nothing you can do or say will. Step back and let them be. To engage in this is to enable the dysfunction to continue.

I wish I could call the ambulance each and every time she does this, then as soon as the insurance finds out it wasn't really an emergency and refuses to paid the bill just look at dad and say "better safe then sorry" and "ok, well YOU explain to the EMTs why your wife is in that almost vegetative shape and you don't want them to take her to the hospital".. They would go broke..

You said Sunnygirl that her psychiatrist should be able to do something for her.. I'm sure he/she would try, but dad won't even bother to take her anymore because "it wasn't helping her".. like I say, he knows she's faking these "episodes" as he calls them ..he won't do anything or let me..I was hoping someone had gone thru this with their parents and had ideas on how to get around the situation.

As to there being "nothing really wrong", well, she's mentally ill, isn't she? Mental illness is a real thing.

Is she still on antidepressants? Does someone monitor if she's taking them?

I think i would distance myself in this situation so that you are not driven mad.

Well, I would think that the psychiatrist should still be able to treat her, but, maybe he's never encountered a case like hers. It does sound astounding.

There's only so much you can do. You try and when you can't take it anymore, you let it alone. I would seek some counseling and then follow what my heart and mind tells me is best for me. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and as long as she's competent, you can't force her to do anything.

Hi Sunnygirl, sorry I guess I didn't explain very well, moms nurse didn't give up on her for doing something wrong, she quit because until just the day before mom was completely bed redden and had to be lifted in and out of bed into a wheelchair and lifted into a chair or tub,.. the nurse caught her walking when she "couldn't" and writing when she "couldn't" she "couldn't" do anything by herself.. until she wanted to make sure something was on the shopping list that she wanted bought - then she could get up walk to the kitchen and write it down.. she was caught red handed by the nurse.. and dad knew she was doing things when no one was around, she could talk when no one was around ..but again he wouldn't call her on it.

Her dr's sent her to the psychiatrist because there was nothing wrong,.. I mean she's healthy, no high blood pressure, cholesterol etc.. even at almost 190 pounds she not even pre diabetic, she has a hard time getting around because she is overweight, but I take her shopping every week and she walks around for 4 to 5 hours at a time going from one store to the next .

Her psychiatrist said she was seeking attention, so my brother and his wife spent thousands remodeling the bottom half of their house - made a "mother in law" apartment and moved mom and dad in.

That lasted about three years and they couldn't take it anymore, nothing was ever enough, and she'd have her "strokes" to get them to cave into what she wanted..she wanted to go to Niagra Falls, they said they had already planned that years vacation, but would plan to go the next year , sooo mom was "so stressed out over not getting any younger" and "just might not live till next year" she'd never get to see the Falls - she had a "stroke" was totally helpless for weeks, they said, fine they'll go to the Falls and within a few days (because after sitting for that long it really does take a few days to get your strength back in your legs) she was perfectly fine ... she wanted separate heat and air controls for her part of the house, had a "stoke" till she got that and THEN still kept the temp at the same 73 degrees my brother kept the rest of the house at.. I could go on and on

It caused a lot of tension and they just just got to where they left dad in that side of the house to deal with her.

The house next to me went up for sale and dad bought it, and I moved them in, keeping in mind her psychiatrist saying she wants attention ,.. so I try to give her positive reinforcement over every little thing - when she mops the floor or any other house cleaning I rave over what a great job she did, when she embroiders something new I make a big deal over how pretty it is (she really does amazing work).. I've taken her to the senior center several times but she doesn't like the people there and won't go back, I'm over there at least once a day just to sit and chat, send her emails off and on thru the day (can't call on the ph - dads hard of hearing and keeps the tv up to loud to talk) .. I plan outings like going to the beach at the end of the month for the weekend, I take her anywhere she wants to go and we have our standing once a week 4-5 shopping trips... I don't know what set off this latest "stroke"... but it's tiring...and irritating...the only thing I can think of is she just found out I'm planning a 3 day trip in Oct with my son his wife and grand kids...and she wants to go.. still don't know why dad won't confront her or let me or my son, or any one... she needs to stop crying wolf so when something really IS wrong we can get her the help she needs and her dr will take her and us seriously.

But I don't know how to make him do that.

Okay, so they have ruled out any physical causes for her behavior. Did the psychiatrist ever give her a diagnosis?

What was the relationship like with the psychiatrist and your mom? What is her relationship like with her regoular medical doctor? From what I learned with my parent's conditions, I found that when the symptoms are psychologically induced, there needs to be a VERY good relationship between the doctor and patient. This is crucial to keep the symptoms under control. There is a protocol for this condition and the doctor should know about it. It involves regular doctor visits, agreements between the doctor and patient about monitoring symptoms, phone calls if symptoms pop up, mediation, etc. The goal is to get the patient on a schedule, to avoid 911 calls and ER visits. I would discuss this with her doctors. Maybe they tried.

And it sounds like the therapist in the home wasn't very well informed. People who need therapy need therapy for a reason. They aren't perfect and I would expect a patient to make mistakes, have relapses and generally need my help. That's why she's there. I don't understand quitting a patient because they do something incorrectly.

I know it's stressful, but fighting your mom on this is not likely to work. I know, I've been there. It's not likely that tough love will help her stop this behavior. I have to think of it as she's ill, not that she's mean.

I would ask to have an appointment with her psychiatrist and discuss ways you can cope. Can you and dad get counseling? If you just can't tolerate it. I would move away and explain why. Perhaps living out of the situation will give you some relief and you can get some peace. There's nothing wrong with that.

Thank you for your responses.. and yes she's been for MRI's she's been to psychiatrists she's had every test over and over, the Dr's never found anything wrong and dads spent their savings paying what medicare won't cover, she did have one psychiatrists who put her on antidepressants, sent to physical therapy and ordered home health care nurse to come to the house everyday, but that ended when the nurse caught her adding to the grocery list - that she had to walk to the kitchen to do , not to mention she wrote it in cursive while part of her therapy was to teach her to print again using large childs pencil and 1st grades lined paper.. the nurse was so incensed that her time was being wasted when she could be helping someone who really needed rehabilitation that she left, reported mom and funding for her "recovery" was stopped.

As for not calling an ambulance and making an appointment for her - done that, they can't ever find a reason for why she'd act as I described... as for why cant I just put her in the car and take her to the emergency room - she's nearly 190 pounds and me and dad can't carry her to the truck, let alone lift her up in to it take

Dorthy,
I can certainly relate to your situation, as I have had similar ones. Both of my parents have stress/anxiety/psychologically induced medical problems. It can be frustrating to deal with a person who we believe is being manipulative and disrupting our life, however, there is hope. I would encourage you to hold on to that.

First of all, you don't know what is really going on with your mom.(Even though you may have seen it many times before.) I think it's wise to first rule out other causes and a doctor needs to do that. Are you your mom's POA? Will she allow you to discuss her condition with her doctor? If so, then I would ask him about what could be causing your mom's symptoms. Has she been evaluated by a neurologist? A cardiologist? If they have ruled out any medical reasons, ask her doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. Explain why.

My dad was diagnosed with conversion disorder after seeing multiple doctors and having many tests run. Everything came back normal. I suggested that he see a psychiatrist and his regular doctor agreed and referred him. I was shocked, but he agreed to go. The psychiatrist wanted my input on what I had observed. He had all the symptoms and once he was explained the condition and put on mediation, he improved dramatically! He was having seizures, could't see, couldn't move, dizzy, etc.

There are other illnesses that could be causing your mom's condition. Only a trained mental health professional can make that determination. I have found that it's rarely helpful to blame the patient. Even if they faking, it's due to a mental issue in their mind and they need help. I wish you all the best.

You have absolutely no idea whether or not she is faking. Unless she's had MRIs to rule out brain bleeds, you are ASSUMING. TIAs are minor brain bleeds, the symptoms of which often pass in a few days.

Why do you have to call an ambulance, for Heaven's sake? Why are you not making an appointment at the DOCTOR, going with her and describing her symptoms??

Why would you have to pay for an ambulance? Doesn't your mother have Medicare or other health insurance?

I'm more than a bit concerned that you and your father are "diagnosing" an alleged stroke. Do you have medical training that allows you to do this?

Perhaps your mother is faking just to get attention, but I'd err on the side of caution. Unless you have medical background, I don't think it's appropriate to conclude that she's "faking".

It also sounds as if there's some family friction involved so you might want to consider addressing that as well because that might be part of any attention your mother does want to get.

You also might want to educate yourself more on strokes and the symptoms. It isn't always apparent when someone is having one - the symptoms aren't always that obvious and discernible.

She needs to be seen by a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Meds may help.