She insists that we call her whenever we will be gone after sundown. When we return, say an hour or so afterwards, she is angry and ignores us completely, that is until I serve her dinner in her room! I'm exhausted and feel completely depleted and robbed of my normal life.
BUT ... she does not sound mentally healthy. So, still maintain your rules, but try to also help her with her mental status. This may be a signal that something is changing, and having her evaluated medically would be a good idea, so you know what you are dealing with.
Can you agree to call her or tell her when you will be out late? If that gives her some reassurance it might be worth the inconvenience. I'm NOT suggesting that you stay home every evening, but if you can make it more palatable for her by calling that would be kind. If it doesn't help, drop it.
Does Mom usually eat alone in her room? If not, don't cater to her when she is in a snit. I would think being ignored by her for a while would be a relief!
If she truly cannot stay alone, then she needs to live in a place where she will never be alone, such as assisted living.
I am hoping that uncovering and treating the underlying medical problem (such as depression) will turn things around.
My loved one began to act very controlling and demanding when I was staying with her after she broke her foot. She would get extremely worried and anxious if I was home 5 minutes late or after sundown. Upon my arrival she would go on and on about how she worried over me and how she was so scared I was hurt. It was quite over the top, but as it progressed into other areas, I realized it was the dementia. She was also overly worried over her cat. It could be your mom is overly worried over you and that's why it upset her after it gets dark and you aren't home.
I might take note of any other changes and bring it up with her doctor. It could be depression, anxiety, or something else.
I find going to a shrink to be very helpful. He explains my Dad's concerns, and how to handle it. Mostly he keeps me from upsetting the balance, by insisting I pay attention to my needs also. Good luck
Taking care of an otherwise healthy person shouldn't rob you of your life; just your privacy, your ability to go where you want to when you want to, talk on the phone without someone else listening, eat when you want to. Oh wait, that IS life. Why is Mom living with you? What socialization does she get? I'll bet she's bored silly not having any peers to talk to! Take her to day centers if she can't afford assisted living or independent living.
Also, please talk to a psychiatrist yourself and make sure you're not suffering from depression, which is SO treatable! Make some appointments TODAY!!!