My mom, 85, has dementia. We managed to get her on meds and into a really nice AL facility (a bit of a miracle with a dementia diagnosis) but she is really chafing at the restrictions on her freedom - she wants to walk to grocery store on her own, resents the multiple daily checks, etc , but the policy for the AL faculty is (rightly so) that she cannot leave on her own and must be checked every couple of hours. I think she has anosognosia, and has always been stubborn. She won't give up trying to get more freedom and we are worried she'll end up in memory care sooner than she really needs it. Also I'd like her not to be so frustrated and angry and make the most of her time in AL, hopefully avoiding MC as long as she can. But I just don't know how to talk to her about this.she's so convinced there's nothing wrong with her beyond normal old age. Any advice? BTW I live in another country. My sister is nearer and has POA - and is often, unfairly, the scapegoat for my mom's anger.
If mother can abide by the rules (happy or UNhappy) you can let her remain n ALF. If not she will require an upgrade. Some places now have a sort of in-between facility that is more like ALF in terms of staffing and care levels, but that does have locked cottages. That would be ideal. If not, mother may have to move to MC which as you understand, may be nearly double ALF fees.
Assisted living is for people who need extra help but don't need complete care. When someone wanders unsafely, they need complete care with others making the decisions.
It's really difficult because there may be other ways in which your mum is still herself and still "with it". However, there are few places that offer a medium way, and safety has to be the paramount concern for the AL facility. So, if they can't keep your mum safe, they probably won't be able to continue to provide what she needs.
I'm sorry it's got to this point. There's no point in trying to reason with your mum - it's an impossible task - and there's no point in your sister enduring your mother's abuse.
It's time to step back and just make sure that your mum has appropriate care and safety, without making yourselves Mum's emotional punching bag, or worrying about whether she's in memory care or has the semblance of independence in AL.
Moms AL had a key paid and I needed to know the code. I also learned who was allowed out and who was not. But not all visitors do, and may let Mom out. ALs are really for people who can come and go. MCs are lock down units.
Mom can be as angry as she likes, but that won't change anything. The rules now need to be the rules. It is worth discussion with her MD as to whether a low dose antidepressant may help. Often they do.
Good luck!