Long story short - my 83 year old mother was living at home but memory was getting continually worse, refused to even consider AL of any sort, broke her arm in fall and when discharged from Rehab hospital to AL. GP and AL does agree that she has dementia probably in the 4-5 range where she forgets having breakfast sometimes, doesn't remember her home address where she has lived for 40 years. No one has told her that she has dementia because she would deny it and even when we mention how bad her memory is, she believes it is typical and she can still live on her own at home which she can't.
So right now, she continually asks why she can't go home, she needs to know what's going on ( even though we have told her she can't go home per Doctor's orders). We tried to get companion care in AL but when the director came for the assessment, he said he didn't think it would be helpful because she just spins on going home. My sister who is medical POA is refusing to help her get some med's that may help unless we can do a GeneIQ test. We asked my mother's GP, they said they don't do that test but referred us to a psychiatrist who doesn't have any availability for 2 months. I have also seen medical reports questioning the useful of these gene tests for anti-depresssants so it feels like a false constraint. And when I push back on Medical POA, she gets defensive then blocks me on her phone.
I am just not sure of what to do next. Any advice would be helpful.
Was the only reason for AL, her broken arm and forgetfulness?
If at all possible, I would get her home with care providers.
I sympathize with your Mom and family. It's a difficult time.
Best wishes.
it’s tough, but you need to ignore her pleas to go home at this stage . You may need to visit less for now
If they did, then do this. If they did not tell you to, you and your sister need to do it anyway. Starting today neither of you visits for at least two weeks and you only talk to her twice a week. So for the next two weeks, she gets four phone calls a week and that's it.
Three weeks is not a long time for a person with dementia to adjust to AL.
I was a supervisor at a very nice AL and I'm going to tell you some truths.
1) Your mother needs to be taking something for anxiety and anxiousness. A drug like Ativan as needed will help her greatly. Your sister needs to get over herself and not fight you on this.
2) Your mother may acclimate very well to the AL life and even start enjoying herself. But she may never let up on the begging and demanding to go home when you and your sister are around. You must be prepared to accept this because it happens quite often.
I have seen residents be the life of the party at the AL. Very active social lives, friendly, and really enjoying life. The second their family shows up or calls, everyone's favorite social butterfly is replaced with a blackhole of negativity, guilt-tripping, and begging to go home.
Please take my advice and give your mother time to acclimate. No visiting for at least two weeks and only two phone calls a week for a while. If she starts up about the going home on the phone, you end the call and don't call back for a few days. You and your sister both need to do this.
but now I am stuck. I wish I had taken this advice at the start
If I were in your position, I would report this to the social services and challenge your sister's position as your mum's POA.
In the UK, Legal Power of Attorney (LPA) can only be applied for by the person who needs the help, while they have capacity. I'd imagine it's similar in the U.S. and Canada.
If they are not deemed to have capacity, then a family member, or friend, can apply for deputyship through the courts, so that they can have a legal right to make decisions in the other person's best interests.
There must be some similar legislation wherever you are, so that you can protect your mum's wellbeing, even if she no longer has capacity to make that decision.
Speak with someone about how to ensure your mum gets the medical intervention she needs, without having to wait for unnecessary and (I'd imagine) expensive tests to be done.
This is completely impractical when your mum's health situation could change in an instant, and she could be in discomfort, or her condition could worsen while waiting for tests and their analysis.
I'm not sure that you should worry about your sister's reaction, as she isn't having much to do with you, as it is. If she'll stop talking to you because you disagree about the testing, then you can't trust that she won't fall out with you over something else that's inconsequential.
Remember that you are not responsible for the bad decisions of your family, including your mum who must have given your sister this power over her affairs.
Please take care of yourself and remember that you can't do any more than you can. Wishing you all the best.
She can’t go home. You cannot take care of her at home. So she stays put.
It is a shame your sister will not cooperate in getting her meds. I would do what someone else suggested of recording her daily sundowning. Show it to your sister.