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Although there are no rules yet, there will be laws soon that will prohibit cremation if the deceased had certain medical treatments that will prove to create a hazard. There are many considerations regarding cremation.
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Look at the “Green Burial” thread started here yesterday. I am sincerely hoping this sane, rational, and natural trend puts the Hollywood-$10,000 coffin-giant floral spray industry right out of business. Whoever started the idea, and brainwashed people into believing, that showy, fancy, and expensive=love/respect is laughing all the way to the bank. Give her the kind of burial you can easily afford, period. She won’t know the difference. But heck yeah, if it makes her happy, tell her “SURE, Mom, we’re gonna put on a show that makes Princess Diana’s little service look puny!”
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When the time comes, you can only do what you can afford. That's it. If that means cremation, then that will be it. As for what other family members expect? "I know mom wished for a big send off, but the money is just not there. as it is, (whatever you end up with) costs this much, and it is putting me in debt. Let's remember mom in other ways."
If they don't like it, then they will just have to get over it.
I know that is easier said then done, I'm just advising you to feel okay about your decisions whatever they are.
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do the basics, really this nonsense of needing to go out with a bang and a heck of a financial doom for the next 20yrs needs to stop
Ive paid for my funeral there isnt going to be any party.. it will be grab the body and turn it into an urnful of ashes, no cup of tea, no silly words, just the very basics. As I came into this world without being heralded or wanted so I shall leave it.
It shouldnt be a worry for anyone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
What a great, no nonsense, direct answer! Love your attitude.
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Myownlife, that is fine. You don’t want to be cremated, that is fine.,I hope you set aside money to pay for the burial that you want. So many times other family members have to pay for the burial and they go into debt doing so.
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Ink and paper you are absolutely right!!! Spend the 8 thousand on a vacation, or college. Your LO is dead and won’t know the difference if you spent 800 or 8 THOUSAND!!! My father died 20 years ago and my mother asked him before he died if he wanted to donate his body to science? He said NO!! She agreed not to do it and cremated him 20 years ago for 700.00. No fuss, no muss. She needed the extra money she saved by doing a very cheap cremation to gamble with!!! In all fairness, the funeral director was a great guy. He rebuilt bicycles and gave away hundreds of bikes at Christmas time to kids!! He wasn’t in it for the money. He wasn’t in the cremation business for the money either!!!
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Going to say it again...if you have found your way on line to this site then you can find your way to research memorial societies which are more of a consumer organization and looking out for everyone regardless of a desire to have a burial or cremation. I forwarded in a private message the details for her specific state to the OP. Google Memorial Societies or Funerals.org I think is the link...don't have it in front of me any longer.
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Isn’t it sad that it costs money to die?

Ever think about being in the funeral business? There was a kid in my speech class that did his ‘informative’ speech on ‘how to embalm a body.’ He got an A! The teacher loved his original, unique topic. Geeeeeez, we were totally grossed out in class that day!

He went into great detail and we learned things that I still remember and wish that I could forget.

Anyway, his uncle owned the business and he was working at the funeral parlor. He told us he was planning to go to school to become an undertaker.

Another gross thing was an interview that I heard about students who were in school for plastic surgery. A student told about her part time job which was to roll human heads on a cart for students to practice face lifts on! She went on to say that she had to cover them with a sheet in order to make the delivery. She said she pretended it was cabbage heads under the sheet! Can you imagine? Geeeeez, I would have nightmares!!!

It didn’t creep him out at all because he grew up in that atmosphere. To each his own but I couldn’t do it.

Once when I was young and needed a job I was scanning the ads and an ad for a secretary caught my eye so I called the number and the business was a cemetery. I promptly hung up the phone. Hahaha I kept thinking about ghosts lurking around. Obviously I did not apply for the job!

My oldest brother had an apartment right next door to a cemetery. I used to tease him about having ‘very quiet’ neighbors. I told him that we could crank up the music because his neighbors wouldn’t complain! LOL

Getting close to Halloween and I guess I am thinking about scary stuff.
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My father was a successful businessman and saved all of his money. Unfortunately he has wasn’t prepared for the fact that later in life my mother turned into a raging gambling addict. He once told me it would have been cheaper for him to divorce her!! But he didn’t divorce her. He died 20 years ago. My mother gambled all of the savings account since he passed away. So, since an elder lawyer told me that just because my mother is a gambling addict doesn’t mean she’s incompetent!! She isn’t incompetent. She just makes bad choices. The elder lawyer said bad choices doesn’t equate to incompetent. Competent people make bad choices all the time. You can’t go around calling them incompetent. Having said that, my mother will be cremated the cheapest way. I will not be paying for her burial and neither will my brother. There will be no go fund me page, or begging from relatives for money. My mother literally gambled HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars at the casino when she could have paid for a decent burial!!!!! She blew every last dime. I’m not picking up the pieces for her bad choices.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
Sad to hear all that, really. But, I stand behind your decision. At the very least she could have set aside something, but didn't. C'est la vie.
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My husband and I both purchased a basic cremation. This did not include death certificates or anything extra. All was spelled out as an exclusion in the contract. About 8 years ago, we purchased the cremations. So no one will be forced to pay up.
If a service or extras were/are desired upon death it's up to whomever has to work through this process at the time of death. So I think pre-paid cremation contracts give families more flexibility. It gives families an opportunity to think seriously about whether it's better to spend on the living or spend on the dead.

A month ago when my husband died and I was in the room talking to the counselor. The funeral home had accepted assignment of my husband's contract from out of state about 20 years ago and he did not locate the file.
I would need to give him a check or my credit card number to move forward. He would help me work on recovering the money once we located the contract.
Well, I had a copy of the old contract right in my binder and showed it to him. He took it to someone in the office and returned saying it was taken care of so I did not owe anything.
The deceased who can't be paid for will be cremated and put to rest at a cemetery for the indigents and the unidentified. I first heard this from a poor lady years ago who was telling a group about the local pauper's graves.

Though my husband and I had cremation plans in place, this story haunted me. So I asked the counselor and he confirmed she was correct.

The hurt and shame of being a pauper or stripping families of their resources happens all the time according to the funeral counselor. This is in spite of the major media coverage for prepaid plans, cremations, burial plans and means-tested programs that are options for some. But if a family has not planned, his point was, there is no option but to pay a lot upfront or forfeit the body to the pauper's cemetery.
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humes11 Dec 2019
Donate body to University to Research. They will help you take care of cremation and send you remains.
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My parent is in there 90's and years ago signed up to have his body donated to Harvard. He is very into pre planning and we are grateful for that. Harvard will use what they can and pay for cremation and return to us.

$8000 is a lot of money, I hope you can find a solution that you are at peace with.
Does your Mom understand that it will place a financial burden on you, I am sure would not want that for you. My Mom also had Alzheimers.

My husband and I have both decided cremation to be the simplest and environment friendly and affordable way to go. We do not wish to place a financial burden on any or our children. We also never had jobs with IRA's or 401k's..it's tough.

Sending hugs and blessings to you.
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I despise people who for whatever reason refuse to think and plan ahead. They make the beds they lie in and they must live with that. YOU are not responsible and now it is too late. Here is my suggestion - humor her and tell her, yes, yes, yes bu when the time comes arrange for cremation. They should have taken care of this years ago and were heartless and cruel to dump this on you. Therefore what they get in the end is THEIR FAULT AND YOU MUST NEVER, EVER FEEL GUILTY. Don't let anyone know what will happen - trust no one. And start looking after yourself first,
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
You could be a little nicer Riley2166 - simply suggesting OP "humor her" and do what needs to be done when the time comes is sufficient. WE don't need to hear any more of your criticism. It is like spilt milk and hindsight. It is what it is and there is no need to continue bashing people, whether they made good decisions or not. BTW, just because you had a nice well paying job and could save for the future, NOT EVERYONE ELSE CAN!
PLEASE STOP criticizing people. Saying OP's (or anyone else's) parent was heartless and cruel is just WRONG. You don't know these people or their circumstances, so STOP IT.
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Call veterans administration and get information on prices and support.
Cremation is best option and you get a lower price locking in now.
Good luck.
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Disagree. Gambling is considered an "addiction".
It is probably in the DSMV book.
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Outliviing assets equal apply for Medicaid in your state.
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Medicaid does not pay for/assist with funeral or burial needs.

Your father provided her a burial space at the VA cemetery. Regardless of why she didn't contribute to her own funeral plans, you do not owe her a funeral.
At 94, she probably has few friends or associates able to attend a service. There is nothing wrong with a cheaper and more down to earth way of handling affairs. You can figure this out, she can't. When the time comes, do the bare essential to handle her affairs. That is not disrespectful to your parents. You are not lying if you say she will get as good a service as possible. The less, the better but she won't know.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
There is still funeral assistance for people on Medicaid. In some states it’s handled at the state level, in some states like mine and in Colorado it’s handled at the county level
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Does mom understand that the money is not there? We buried my dad last year, cost 15K total which I thought was high but from what I understand is not so out of average.

My mom wants to do a pre paid funeral as she thinks if she doesn't, I will not spend they money to have the funeral my dad had. Mom is so trusting of me:).

But while my mom is not rich by any means, she has the money to do that. (I think I will just have my body donated to the med school for basically free).

But your mom needs to understand if the money is not there, it is not there. I am guessing the spot at the VA will decrease the cost a bit? If she is not able to understand, the maybe it doesn't matter. If you don't have the money you don't have the money and you cannot break the bank for her funeral only to limit your own finances going forward from there.
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Humes11 gambling is an addiction and it is in the DSMV book.
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I was told by an elder lawyer to pre-pay for moms funeral before doing the Medicaid spend down.  Getting ready to do this for my mom now.  Mom doesn't have much saved and I was hoarding the money and supplementing where I could to make it last for her.  He explained to me that if I continue to do that without pre-paying for her funeral out of her money, then at the end, I am stuck with coming up with the money to bury her.  I realize not everyone has money saved to "spend down", and eventually my mom will get to that point...I just have to pre-pay her funeral out of what she has left before it's all gone. 

I am sorry you are struggling with this.  She may not get the pricey funeral she wants.  She is fortunate to already have the plot.  Just do the best you can.  Funerals are for the living, not for the dead.  Even with it coming out of moms money, I am not going to all out.  I think pricey weddings and pricey funerals are ridiculous.
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I am unclear, it sounds like she is paying more than her share of the household expenses.  Do you have plans for getting a smaller place when she is gone?  Can you get on a list for senior housing now?  While I don't think you should feel guilty for not spending your money to bury her, it does sound like she has been supporting you to some extent.  Can you work, or do you care for her full time?   Agree with look for help from local agencies, use the VA plot.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
This post is over 2 months old and the OP has multiple posts where she explained the situation and was given lots of advice. She’s answered your questions in her responses to this post and her other post.....if you feel like going back and looking for them :)
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Shop around to various funeral homes and compare prices. I work with families that have dying loved ones and I’ve come to realize that prices vary significantly based on the establishment. You can also negotiate a lower price and some funeral homes know of funds available to veterans and such through private organizations that help offset costs. Once you locate an establishment with a good price; make payments little by little with her social security check if possible. I hope this helps
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