My father says she's said what they both think. She has said all sorts of nasty things. My brother went the legal route to prohibit their contacting him and his family. My father has said he still expects me to see her. The problem is my seeing them often makes me anxious and unwell with migraines. It is the conflict I feel with my brother and sister in law being rejected and my other sister's boyfriend being called a mad Irishman; he is not.
I am certain my mother is a narcissist and my father in the autistic spectrum given his lack of emotional understanding about any this and things that have gone on before.
My brother and I previously called the police to stop abusive letters, prior to his solicitor's letter. They have blamed the innumerable letters on incorrect medication however the closest she has come to an apology is 'I'm sorry if my words offended you'. She has also put in writing 'I don't do apologies'.
She has often threatened suicide to my father. His mood sometimes suffers because of her. She denied these threats to her doctor.
My father has said he finds seeing my wife's 'ironware' (ear pearcings plus septum) objectionable.
My mother has never been able to take criticism and my father rarely changes his mind about things.
They are both in their early 90's and independent. My mother likes company, my father is mostly indifferent or often happy not to see others for weeks at a time.
They have used their will as a means of trying to coerce visits. For myself my life long poor health and the nature of my paid work means I have hardly any pension though my wife will have some.
I would rather have nothing from them than be ill over them however this worsening situation has caused alot of upset and endless discussion as to what to do.
I receive treatment for my migraines, my one sister has tried an SSRI to help her deal with this. Then my mother expects her grandchildren to visit her, where she has made it so very difficult for her children.
The endless comments she has made are racist and others just plain cruel. She has stated her children are 'owned' by their partners, so can only see her if they approve. Surprisingly, three of us do not have partners who try to stop visits and I could fully understand if my brother's wife did previously try to discourage visits.
I have kept the now 20 or so letters from my mother in case I need them for legal purposes, however as things are they seem all to able to articulate their thoughts. I told my father to tell her we do not want any more letters and blocked their calling me on their landline. This leaves his mobile and email. On their landline they would listen in to each others conversations. Oh and my mother is critical of my father too in her letters. He was informed of this in my efforts to curb her criticisms of everyone save the two friends she claims she has.
I am sorry to say I have now often wished them dead and finding myself thinking this does not make me proud or happy.
The last words my father said to me was something is going to change. I agreed and said things change all the time. (Just not in their case this far.) What to do?
Protect yourself and your sanity, and allow everyone else to do the same. If the grandchildren are old enough to decide to visit, then that's their business. If they aren't, then it's your call.
Your job (and that of the sibs) is to ensure they're safe and cared for. You are not required to have a relationship with them, nor are you required to provide that care yourselves. Find someone to check on them periodically and call it good.
It's OK to let go of toxic relationships.
Only you can decide what contact to have. It may be complete No Contact. Or maybe Grey Rock at wider social events you attend together. Or maybe it feels right to stay physically away but telephone once a month - having the power to hang up if any abuse.
It does seem that some people's empathy shrinks with age. Also, some types of dementia/illness causes personality changes. I think as social filters wear thin, more self-centric behaviour is evident.
Whatever the cause - if it's toxic to you & your family, put safety first & stay away.
Anything from art classes to support groups to church activities (if you are a believer) to volunteer work, to classes to improve my chances at a quality job. In fact I might seek another job; there are many out there now.
The one place I would not invest my time is where I am met with abuse of two elders who, over time, have become good at what they do. I would leave them on their own. Let them spend their money on hiring people to listen to their tired litany, and then there will be no will money to worry about.
What I am saying is that your brother is well out of it. That is where I hope you find the strength to go. If you choose to stay in an abusive relationship there are few here who can help you find peace within that choice. I recognize how hard it is to change habitual patterns. It is VERY hard. But what a great investment of your emotions.
Consider seeking therapy not to understand THEM and your relationship, but to move out of something abusive and to seek a new life of friendships.
Perhaps a second job and lots of saving? A job you could really enjoy? Then your excuse is that you just haven't got a single second to spare.
Good luck. You are not alone in having abusive parents and I often wonder why there isn't a support group just to help folks move on from THAT.
Nowadays people often make a serious mistake that breaks up family relationships between the generations.
They expect elderly people to be as "woke" as they are about social issues, politics and everything else. Don't try to apply today's views to the past or to people who lived in a world that was a very different place than it is today.
Here's the thing about your wife's 'ironware' (I like the term you use). I'm going to assume she's also covered in tattoos as well?
I think that is absolutely ridiculous and I'm not elderly. The difference between someone my age and your parents is I wouldn't say it to a person. As for them being 'racist', they're over 90 years. Let that go. If the kids have a question over something they might have heard explain to them the grandparents are from a different time.
Also I want you to know that the grandparent/grandchild relationship is not the same as the parent/adult-child one. How about if the kids get to decide whether or not they see their grandparents? The relationship grandma and grandpa have with the grandkids has nothing to do with your relationship with them or your siblings.
I've seen it too many times parents depriving their kids of grandparents because their relationship with mom and dad isn't good. I've caught my mother's abusive behavior my whole life. She's an awesome grandma to her grandsons though and they adore her. It's not for me to deprive them because of what our parent/child relationship was. Let the kids decide.
Adults can be civil to each other if they try. Maybe cut your parents a little slack on some of their opinions and comments. They don't have to be called out on every one. You can try speaking plainly to them. Tell them that it's hurtful when they're mean about your wife and if they can't keep their snide comments in check then you won't visit. Give them this chance. Not for them. For you.
You will feel better about things because you'll know you tried your best with them. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
You have my permission to walk away, send those letters back "return to sender" or throw away (shredding may make u feel better) and block them. You said they can still take care of themselves so ur not abandoning them. And when something does happen, tell the authorities they will need to handle it. Your parents are Toxic. Looks like your siblings have learned to walk away. You need to, too.
You know when you block someone, you have no idea if they tried to contact you. Give yourself some peace.
No inheritance is worth your mental and physical health. And we are not entitled to an inheritance. As we know, what they say they have and what they end up with are two totally different things. As an only child it fell to me to manage his life. Luckily I knew how to set and keep boundaries (most of the time). After 18 years my 'inheritance' hardly seemed worth it.
Next letter mark "return to sender" and move on with your life.
Your physical and mental health should be your first priority.
Firm up your boundaries.
I have a family member with serious mental health issues. He can be extremely ugly, so I have blocked him by all means except email. That way I can decide whether or not I will delete without reading.
I had a former in law that used the promise of an inheritance as a club over her family for decades. The millions she promised turned out to be $300k divided 5 ways. Not worth years of abuse at all.
Why do you feel the need to read the letters? Toss them unopened.
If for some reason you see them in person leave at the first abuse, critical comment etc. Remove yourself from target practice.