keepingup Asked October 2018
My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?
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I detest these financial battles after someone has passed. But it did put me in shock, being her primary caregiver for ten years. I lived with her, got her through emergencies, kept her quality of life as high as possible. She felt special until the day she died. I have MS which made some things difficult, but it always was right thing to do. My sister saw her one or twice a year, out of obligation. How should I approach this?
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see a lawyer immediately. Everything that I have read states that you must be named as disinherited because otherwise means carelessness by the attorney who wrote the will or trust. This also explains the attorney's confusion about who you were. https://www.cnbc.com/id/100424947 https://www.lexisnexis.com/legalnewsroom/estate-elder/b/estate-elder-blog/posts/can-you-disinherit-an-adult-child
I happen to agree with your sister that the sooner that house is shut up and sold off the better. In my personal view, you too can't be got clear of the past fast enough. But is it where you are currently living?
"keepingup
Nov 1, 2018
Thank you so much. I have lived in this home all my life and love it...."
I can't imagine KeepingUp's mother ever having been pushed around by *anybody*. Normally I would rather admire that.
I am a conservative-minded respecter of wills. If your mother wanted to be an out-and-out [word], then in my view that was her right. But the law, in recent years, has not been as inflexible on this point as it used to be; and your mother didn't take thorough enough pains with her cruelty. We don't know what her intentions towards you were. She didn't trouble herself to say.
Don't go to court. You haven't the stomach for it, the stress would do your MS no favours at all, and anyway it's too much of a gamble.
But without even forming that intention, you do have a case and your representative could use that to come to terms with your sister. You wouldn't even have to be involved.
It actually isn't about the money. It's about recognition of a wrong done to you that can be partially put right, if your sister chooses. You can still leave it up to her: you don't have to instruct your lawyer to pursue it beyond a certain point, which would be putting a proposal to her and suggesting she consider it for reasons X, Y and Z.
The thing is. Your sister's blithely saying "this is what mom wanted" really isn't good enough. What your sister is saying is that "mother treated you extraordinarily badly and in tribute to her I am going to do the same."
But your sister is under no obligation to do that. Your mother could do what she wished with her money. So can your sister. I think it might be worth suggesting to her enlightened self-interest that she consider the justice of the thing, and that you let a lawyer do that for you.
When a Trust is established, it gives the Trustee authorization to access all accounts and any Lockboxes. They simply present a copy of the Trust to the bank showing their nomination or nominations as to who is Trustee. The Trust protects you from having to go through probate. If there is something not listed as a part of the Trust, a Pour-over-Will, will clear that property through Probate with little difficulty. One thing we did with our Trust and my Pour-Over was to include a statement that my oldest who received a six digit settlement for a personal injury was excluded simply because, he got via the financing we provided for his personal injury settlement a lot more money than the three youngest will ever get after we have past. My DW also included in the Trust at staement saying that she made no provisions for me. We as fully informed adults chose to do this to protect the Trust as I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ. These provisions were being put in place at the time we were setting up the Trust and before we had a diagnosis on myself. My DW has always been in exceptional health. Our adult children that are the nominated Trustees, know all of the details as to how the Trust was set up and our wishes have been explained to them in great detail. I encourage everyone to do this NOW, before you have problems. Yes, it wasn't cheap, but it was affordable. The Trust was drawn up by an attorney specializing in Trusts. We then had the Trust looked over by an Elderlaw Attorney, who said, everything was done perfectly according to our current state law, but we'll review it every couple of years to keep things current.
I believe in discussing it with the kids before one leaves. I have and my 3 sons all get an equal share regardless.
Our big test case a couple of years back had public opinion divided on whether a woman's will to exclude her daughter (feud of decades) should or shouldn't be overturned. The will was overturned, and on any of the principles discussed in that case the judgement was an outrage! But what the headlines didn't dwell on was that daughter was claiming social security benefits. Hm, I thought, I wonder if that in any way influenced their lordships...
I suspect the hardest work to be done will be for KeepingUp to keep her own bruised and abused feelings out of the matter and focus on financial practicalities. I hope the surprised lawyer will be a great support to her in this.
But, realize, and I don't want to hurt you, she may have let you sister have a care free life (compared to yours) on purpose.
Then, it's on your sister, not you, to be fair or not.
Sister did not do the work, poster did and sister is quite happy screwing keeingup out of any inheritance.
Mom and sister are both crappy humans for doing what they did.
As petty as it sounds, consider filing a claim against the estate. This is one of the main factors in the destruction of families after a loved ones death.
On the other hand hold your head up high. I know it hurts but keep moving forward with your life now that your loving responsibilities are on longer there.
God Bless
I for one am glad I read my mother's will. She has a "bill" in there for me, specifically for $1500 I am to pay the trust before it can be cashed out. YB who built on to his home to HOUSE AND CARE FOR my parents "owes" $6000.
I won't tell him about these codicils. They are not legal in any sense of the word, but are actually giant "FU" from the grave. I do NOT know why we owe her "trust" any money. OB stole well over $200K from my parents and YS took a $70K "loan" which she did not repay and was "forgiven" of in the will, and reinstated to receive her 1/5th.
I was seething with hurt and anger when I found this out. It's not legal and my brother, who is the executor told me he meant to tear this "document" up...he felt horrible that I even saw it.
Too late, the hurt will always be there. The only 2 sibs who have given mother care in her life are the ones who "owe" the estate money.
Money issues have fractured our once close family. What your mother did was awful. Sister happily taking it all is worse. I'm really sorry, I know, to an extent, how you feel.
I would not promote judgments and insults towards others involved.
That doesn't do anyone any good. And, adding emotional fuel to the fire will not serve you in any way. Respond with clear thinking, not emotional ranting - get the emotional shock of it all out with whoever you feel safe with.
* I did not read from your words how your sister feels about this - and/or if she is willing to work with you to an equitable agreement, considering all the work you did.
If I were you, I would:
* Do self-care now more than ever. Whatever this means to you.
* Calmly talk to your sister. See where she is at. If you feel it is necessary, have a witness available when communicating with her.
* Contact an attorney that specializes in elder care / Wills.
* Do you have a copy of the will and/or can you get a copy?
* Was your mom of sound mind when she wrote it? Do you have medical documentation stating this?
* Was the Will updated or revision(s) made recently? Track this.
* Keep coming to this site for support. Filter through/out responses/'support' - read and heed what will really support you. Everyone has a different way of handling these things / situations. Gena
Please do it very quickly – there are additional problems once your sister has already obtained probate and has gone ahead with a sale. If she is being very difficult, that is exactly what she would do. If you work towards a compromise (and definitely only once the court application has been filed), think about asking for a life interest in the house, with a provision for transfer of funds if you can no longer live there and need alternative living arrangements. But don’t DIY this, and don't make a private compromise - you really really need a lawyer.
I am surprised if your mother’s lawyer didn’t make this clear to her, and that the lawyer also tells you that she was competent. He may well end up as a witness himself. You definitely need a different lawyer for whom you are the only client.
I am with most people here, you need to stick up for yourself & I'm sorry, but if I was you; I would put up a fight & if that was my sister doing that to me I would never talk to her ever again. The bible tells us to love those who hate us. And you can love & forgive her from a very long distance!
I know you cared for your mother because you loved her, but how much did you gived up, what are you supposed to do now? Has your sister ever thought about these questions? NO! Your sister should be thankful that you took care of both your mother, and she had the luxury of doing whatever she wanted with her life.
God is a "just" God! If your sister doesn't help you out she will pay the price, believe me I have seen time and time again throughout my life.
You hang in there; most of us here are praying for you.
Have you talked with your sister about all this including how you feel about the situation?
If she keeps everything, she needs to "become dead to you." And I promise you God or Karma, WILL have the last word in all of this.
About 8yrs after his death, I found out that the Trust he set up had not actually been set up by him but by two of my siblings that almost never used the vacation home. One of my brothers and I did a lot of work on the property from the time we were tweenagers until we left home. I continued to return for vacations and did a lot of maintenance on the property over the years well in to my 50's.
Upon Unc's death one of the siblings wanted a buy out, a couple of more made almost no use of the property but they were the Trustees of his Estate. One of my siblings and I paid all the bills, taxes, insurance and maintenance costs from the time of Unc's death until 8yrs later. My two siblings that were Trustees decided they were going to force a buyout of the property. Sibiling originally bought out received a significant amount of money, the Trustees just about bankrupted the estate of cash and one was going to actually buy out the estate as they planned to do from the very beginning. They worked out the sale, I received the same amount as a couple of the others, but my DW and I bankrolled half of the expenses for 8yrs and were not compensated for the half of taxes, insurance and maintenance we paid for the 8yrs up to the forced buyout. The lawyer who set up the Trust, said, no provisions were made for reimbursement of expenses made by beneficiaries an that, I was not entitled to reimbursement. Instead of leaving Cash in the Trust, the Trustees invested it in a lousy company that became a penny stock during the 08-09 financial crisis. Ending some made out pretty good, one sibling paid a song for the property and rebuilt it after assuming outright ownership. No you can't trust any relative.
Now, what can you do. Protect your own family. Put all of your property and money in Living Trust for you and your spouse. Appoint your adult children as Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Trustees . Upon your death, the property can then be meted out in equal parts among your children, perhaps grandchildren in the manner you proscribe and the Trustees will be bound to follow your plan. Probate can be avoided, Medical Directives established along with a Medical Proxy Agent, DPOA. This will save a lot of discussion among your family about what you did or didn't want. This will save money and disputes among family.
Finally, go over the Trust and other Legal work with Trustees, and explain why you made certain decisions and have one copy accessible in your home, and one in a bank lock box.