Does anybody know why old people accuse everyone of stealing? My 81 year old mother is driving me mad says the Carers are stealing her soap, toothpaste, dinners and even said the Carer who is about a size 22 of stealing her size 6 trousers my sons laugh and think it’s funny but it’s getting beyond a joke now. She even accused the old Gardner of stealing an old rusty tub from round her back garden it’s all she talks about now and I’m weary.
2 weeks ago one of the caregivers was sincerely confused about why my mother was insisting she had no snacks in her bin at the Memory Care, after Amazon had just dropped off a truckload 3 days earlier. So she took photos of The Snacks with her cell phone and showed them to my mother and myself during our visit. Well, my mother was clucking, there were WAY TOO MANY SNACKS I had sent over, how ridiculous it was of me, and I should take some home. She'd NEVER be able to eat all those snacks, for crying out loud, and what was I thinking? Especially since the rotten caregivers only allow her ONE SNACK A DAY anyway. I thought my head was going to explode at that point, after 2 years of dealing with The Snack fiasco, so I called one of the CGs over. Could he please bring 20 chocolate truffles into my mother's room immediately so we could finally put the One Piece Rule to sleep? Sure thing, he said, and I watched him do it.
Tonight the caregivers told her she 'had no snacks left, and even if she did, she could only have ONE SMALL ONE ANYWAY. They're stealing all my snacks and eating them like dirty hogs, is what's happening.' She, if course, had no memory whatsoever of Patricia showing her the cell phone photos of The Snacks or that the other CG brought her 20 truffles at once.
For the 367th time, I called the Memory Care and spoke to the caregiver who assured me mother had plenty of snacks and she'd bring a bunch over to her room immediately. But there's still the problem of the Stolen Bras we've yet to deal with. And it's highly doubtful the CGs have any young children or sisters they'd be bringing these worn out bras to, just sayin.
God help us. Every day I pray for patience to get thru another day of the madness of dementia without losing my cool. Hoping the same for you.
In her case, a few times she accused someone who was painting the walls of taking some broken jewelry she was going to "cash in." Did he? Probably not. It's questionable if these things were even worth anything - if it isn't real gold or silver, it isn't. It is more likely she either misplaced them, tried the "cash in" or tossed them. Some time later, after my OB and his family visited, she accused him of taking her tweezers! I questioned why he would, they are readily available in stores and cheap. I bought her another to stop the nonsense.
It was mostly her repetition of statements or questions years later that got me looking up dementia. I know SO much more now!!! In retrospect, those accusations were likely very subtle early warnings. If she lived with someone else, it probably would have been more noticeable.
Those tweezers? On clearing out her condo after she was moved to MC, I found THREE in the bathroom drawer and 5-6 more in a plastic container in the dresser drawer!
Why? Many times they will hide items and forget where they put them, but they insist someone stole the things. As they drift back in time, it could be something they had long ago, but got rid of it - now they are reliving that time and of course someone has stolen it!
As others said, you kind of have to find some humor in it. Especially when it is ridiculous things no one would steal, like those tweezers. You shouldn't be laughing AT her, and probably not in front of her when she is in accusing mode, but later.
The more you can learn about dementia and what you might encounter as time goes on, the better you will be able to deal with her behavior. Most of the time it's best to just acknowledge it and assure her you will look into it and try to redirect her focus onto something else - a snack, a beverage, a walk, TV, a game or puzzle, some activity just to get her off that topic. It's best NOT to try to argue with her, state it didn't happen, convince her otherwise. It is usually futile, as this is their reality and you can't change it! Trying to do that will lead to anger and frustration. Go with it and work around it.
As it progresses, she may continue to accuse and/or may move on to other behaviors. In the grand scheme of things, the accusations, as ridiculous and frustrating as they are, are on the low end of the sanity scale (for you.) Most of the time we can affirm their accusations and get them to move on (like giving a record player needle a little nudge when it's stuck on a scratch.) Do start reading up on common behaviors and stages of dementia. It's better to know what you might expect, though not everyone has all the behaviors and there's no hard and fast rule about when someone is in one stage or another - they are just averages. Some follow these like clockwork, others might hit the high points at different times, etc. But if you know she *might* go there AND have some ideas about how to deal with it, life might be a little easier for you.
Enjoy some laughter with your sons about her antics, when mom isn't in earshot!
My mom, who wasn’t on pain pills but had been prescribed some at one time, was worried that someone would break in and try to find her pain pills. After she died we did find an aspirin bottle hidden in her lift chair with one OxyContin pill In it. She also kept an old purse by that same lift chair in case someone wanted to steal her purse.
I did notice that DH aunts jewelry box had a drawer slightly askew once. Aunt had long ago given her valuables to various family members so I wasn’t worried that anything Of value was missing but it does happen.
Aunt was pretty bad with confabulation at one time. The worst was when she claimed to catch an elderly neighbor putting something in the frig she kept in her garage. when she went out to see what he was doing she said he was bringing her fresh shrimp. She claimed he made a pass at her. She went around telling everyone in the neighborhood. A policeman went over and spoke to his family. I highly doubted this actually happened as she told it, the story grew. I wouldn’t allow her to tell it in my presence as I felt it just reinforced it in her mind. She sold that frig because it stressed her so.
And besides that. I would often catch her in a very thin blouse with no bra out mowing her grass. This in her 80s. Those blouses did disappear.
‘Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen” Louis Armstrong
Remember, what she is saying to you is the product of a damaged brain, and it is the reality of the person who is relating it, and will not be altered by your facts, no matter how diligently you repeat them.
Let it go. My Grandma was NOT watching people stealing chickens from the chicken yard next door, but nothing would convince her that she wasn’t “seeing” what she thought she saw.
This phase passed fairly quickly, although at the time, it seemed as though it was endless.
Your sons have the right idea - while it is truly annoying - try and find the humor in it - to keep your sanity. Also realize if items go missing - she may have hidden them to keep them safe - you may have some treasure hunts in the future.
Soon enough she will move on to some other behavior and another behavior and another behavior - it will be a challenge to try and stay a step in front of her or to even keep up with her. Just know she is going to devolve further into dementia and it will be heartbreaking. Love her and cherish her and try and visit her alternative world. Humor - you will need humor - because there will be days you need it and it will be hard to find.
Good luck in your new journey with her.
Other times the stealing accusations start up out of plain old boredom. The elder has nothing better to do. They're not getting the attention they want, or the sympathy they're craving so they fabricate victimization fantasies like people are stealing from them, or so and so is threatening them, etc... Most of the time it's total crap, but not always.
Keep an eye on things and know what's going on as far as mom's caregivers go.
It's not out of the realm of possibility that a caregiver will rip an elderly person off. Especially one who has dementia. This happens. People can pretty much tell when it's a lie and when it's not. Like the size 22 caregiver stealing the size 6 pants.
My advice is when she starts up about people stealing from her tell her you checked it out and that no one took anything. Then change the subject. Or tell her "that didn't happen" and ignore the raving until she quiets down.
Your question reminds me that as well as my bro stayed in his few years in ALF, with a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia, he did descend into paranoia of worry about his stuff getting stolen, and once did accuse someone of taking money he later found hidden in his towels.
Think about all the losses our elders go through. Their bodily functions, their ability to be seen as competent human beings, their memories. And as the losses occur they gather around them ever more closely those things that BELONG TO THEM. And are fearful of loss. It can be so sad. And yes, it can sometimes even be funny. But it is a fact. And it does happen.
Wishing you the best.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My sister came to stay with him for 3 days so I could go to a quilting retreat. Unbeknownst to me, she invited our cousin to come over and eat supper with them. Since then, we have searched the house innumerable times looking for all the things she stole. With any luck, this phase will soon pass!