Mother is taking more than what can fit in her independent living place. What do I do?

PhoenixDaughter - I had to smile when I read "22 coats". Seven years ago my family moved from the house I had lived in for 20 years. I knew it was time to really cut back my wardrobe - I had "retired" eight years earlier and never wore any of my "professional" stuff anymore. Well, - over a dozen pair of black slacks and almost as many black blazers- a no, black wasn't a required job uniform. Cotton, linen, wool, silk, rayon, blends - cuffed, straight leg, flared leg, pockets, no pockets, - pleated, flat front, side zip, back zip. Size 6 through size 16 and every size in between. I honestly had no idea I had accumulated so many! Even when we moved I kept a "variety" for "just in case". Know how many times I've worn any of them since then? That's right - not once! How does this happen? Guess it's time to sort my wardrobe again!

gesteiger426 - we went through this moving my 93 year old mother to AL last August so you have my utter and complete empathy. THIS IS HARD on multiple levels - your mother's, yours and any extended family that may be "hands on" involved. My mother suffers from moderate dementia and was moving from a one bedroom apartment to an efficiency in AL so she didn't have as much as your mother but still too much in the downsizing. She no longer needed her beloved glass top table and comfy dining chairs and still obsesses about where they went (they were donated to a needy church family) so I just tell her they went to a good home. And, like you, my husband and I are also downsizing from a 5 bedroom large house to a 3 bedroom over 55 community in a couple of months. Having to figure out what we need to part with, donate and/or dispose of has been all consuming so it's no wonder you feel like your grip on sanity is slipping. All I can tell you is it will get better - not perfect, but better - over time and the other posters suggestions about trying to understand the loss of possessions along with all of the other losses involved in this process will help you gain perspective. Hugs for trying to do right by your mother and all best wishes on your own upcoming move!

Have Mom pay movers. Do not have your mother witness the move day activities first hand. Storage for all items that won't fit into her 1/1 apartment. NeuroPsych evaluation. Let your wife excuse herself from this abusive relationship. Take care of yourself with rest & relaxation because your mother needs your support for the long haul. Set boundaries and stick to them and take comfort in knowing you are doing all that any loving son can to make this difficult time in her life as pleasant as possible. Your mother's adjustment to Assisted Living will take time but eventually the stress level will diminish.

It sounds to me like if she's not willing to downsize her belongings, then she's not really ready to move to a smaller place. What I would do is either get her a storage unit and keep up the payments or just leave her where she currently is and hire an in home health care aid. If she's going to keep all of that stuff and she definitely needs a big enough place to keep it.

* Not everyone will fall for the tricks and lies of false promises because some people are on to that kind of stuff and are too smart to fall for it. Anytime you try to go against someone's freedom and independence, of course there's going to be a fight I don't blame them! I would say let the person go with you to put extra stuff in storage if the move is absolutely necessary, and let them keep the key. I don't condone taking things away from anyone regardless of their age, especially the elderly. This is why I support honesty and going to great lengths to make sure the person's wishes are carried out. If they can't be carried out, then I personally wouldn't even move the person since taking/stealing/disposing of their stuff without their knowledge or permission would go against my faith, morals and values. A stroke doesn't necessarily mean loss of freedom and independence, I know someone who had multiple strokes and she still lives at home, and she's doing very well. She actually lives with her family, this might be an option. If not, in-home healthcare would definitely be better in this situation. That way, she can stay where she is and still keep all of her stuff that she really likes. Remember, she's in her golden years and you want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible. After all, it is her life and she's the one who must live it.

I gave up my house (4 bed/4 bath; three car garage) and some things to move into a 2 bed/2bath IL cooperative; the abbreviation COOP is accurate. I don't want my dad to live alone, but a huge house with yard and care for my dad become too much for me. It's the toughest move I've made in my life. Suddenly you're done building your life and into a tear-down phase. It's hard and underneath whatever other problems your mom has it's hard for her, too. I worked a chart with furniture placement for about two months before I had everything in I wanted to keep. My rule was keeping without additional storage. My apartment not only fits more than anyone expected, it has several seating areas and a dining area which almost resemble any normal apartment. I even have an office area in the kitchen. As to the 12 wine glasses, these mean more than 12 wine glasses. I kept my vitrine to house the crystal my mom left me. It took a lot of imagination and some wrestling with the movers who tried to tell me what to take and were unhappy about putting it all in a small space, but it's done. Cut your mom some slack. It's a major life event for her (and you). In the last two years I've downsized several times, clothes, books, deco items as I've learned to live in the apartment. If someone had tried to force me into those decisions when I moved I'd have been most unhappy with them. Time in the space will decide what needs keeping and what doesn't and help create the will to part with some things.

You don't say whether your mother's house is paid off. If your mother's house is paid off then go ahead and move the bedroom set and some living room items to the new place. Leave the rest at the house. Let her see how small it is I have a funny feeling that your mom may even balk at the idea of living at a independent place. I hope not because you certainly need a break. I think perhaps you've had too much time to take care of your mom oh, not too much time but too much experience and you need to break away from that. I know that sounds harsh but I think perhaps you need to give it a break for a while because this is really hurting you. As one person suggested a storage locker is a wonderful advice.

There are companies that specialize in moving "seniors" to smaller accommodations. I'm looking for one right now to sort through stuff, move what I need, sell what has value, give away what doesn't, and haul the rest to the dump. They make floor plans of the next residence and use little bits of paper to show how the furniture will fit. They're not cheap, but a friend who used one said they were "worth every penny." Getting a third party in to deal with her would bypass the family dynamic. Google "senior movers" with your location. And good luck.

I agree...hire someone to do it. I feel your frustration and have a mom 400 miles away living independently with vascular dementia. I pay a trusted neighbor of hers to check in and assist when needed. If folks have enough funds, I say save your sanity not their money. That's my plan.

ive had to move my mom twice and deal with her belongongs. First, in with me and we sold alot of her stuff in a yard sell, which she later accused me of doing against her will. Never mind that the money went to pay her expenses and I payed off her debt. Recently, I had to move her to assisted living where she could only take a few of her belongings. We struggled with that as well, but I just stayed focused on moving what she was essential and a few of her favorite knick nacks. It has been a struggle, but you have to stay firm. I am now in the process of packing up the rest of her stuff for storage, which is has been hard on me emotionally. We are a culture that has a lot of stuff and its hard to deal with it, but stay firm and just don't let her run you. Stay in charge.

Going through this with my mom now..she wanted Everything! I talked her into selling some...donating some...still she kept more than would fit! So we had it moved to her very small two bedroom...I unpacked and placed everything that she really needed...and some pretty things...left her 6-7 boxes of knic Knacks..etc..and told her to go through them...but not to put out any more than she can comfortably clean once a week..because I have no spare time to do it. I already take her to dr apts etc...and wash her laundry and her laundry room there..then I told her whatever is in that second bedroom...won't fit in her new senior apartment when it becomes available ..so she will have to decide what is most dear to her..I think they can't understand you're not trying to take their stuff out of meanness ..but it is in fact reality! It can really lay a quilt trip on you..if you let it...sometimes you just have to let them see for themselves! Stress..big time..I questions my sanity daily..no help from any other family members..so prayers for your Sanity! And hugs!

Geststeiger I have just done a major suite of downsizing from moving into an already furnished 3 bedroom house with a one bedrooms flats worth of stuff to moving all of that into a 2 bedroom apartment so downsizing I understand in a big way. The problems you are facing are ingrained into your Mums psyche she will have lived through or seen the tail of the depression when every mouthful was fought for and nothing was discarded and she wont understand why she can't take them all - that the wont fit isn't reason enough.

We are lucky enough to have a garage but storage equates (except you have to pay for it!)

I spent many an afternoon dividing mums things into 5 piles.

The trash went out - anything broken torn chipped ripped went out (unless it had specific value like a torn photo that she cherished and a chipped mug that was her christening mug) So that pile was quite small because I had been doing that for a while without her knowledge

Donation of some sort to church charity.Now some stuff she would let go to the church jumble sale / donate to charity. Other stuff (like her 22 coats) she wouldn't part with one of them. Well that was like pulling hens teeth let me tell you

So then we divided the stuff that none could agree on into three piles

The I can't live without this on hand at all times pile

The I need this in case we have guests or I like this immensely pile and I certainly am not getting rid of any of it whatever you say

And finally the I want to keep this for no damned reason at all but I want to capisce?

When we got to a point where it wasn't going to fit in the apartment we got to the point where one of was going to shoot the other (and in the UK neither of us have guns just in case of concern) Battle lines were almost drawn. Then I decided on a different tack.

OK mum this is not going to fit in, no way no how unless I sit a dresser or a wardrobe on top of your bed! What I suggest is we put it into storage - that way if ever you want it we can get it back out. I will bag it all up in vacuum bags and store it for you. That way you still have it if you need it and you can have just what you absolutely need in the apartment

Then I bought 3 collage picture frames which was like 15 picture frames all stuck together and I put all her important pictures into them which freed up loads of shelf space. I made her wardrobe (a full room width sliding door wardrobe) into a sort of storage locker whereby I could put her stuff into boxes and just stack them into the frame with one double set of hanging space to one side for her clothes shirts above skirts as it were and one tiny long hanging space for the tall stuff like the ironing board and her long coats and dresses (yes she wanted those!)

It was probably the most frustrating thing I ever had to do but three months on we are all still alive, she hasn't once asked for anything from the garage and is relatively content (as content as she ever would be) about what is near to her. I find having chests of drawers nearby and floating shelves means she can see and touch her treasures and while they have little or no meaning to us they will for her.

As for her behaviour, repeat after me it her age and her illness and repeat it as a mantra - it wont always work and I have to say my daughter and I have been known to walk out of the room and say to each other its her effing illness and her effing age then grin and smile. As for rudeness - don't engage - walk away and tell your lovely wife to do the same. Just stand and say I don't find that acceptable I am leaving now and go.

I wonder how many times during your childhood your mother may have felt the same way? Been there, done that. It is very hard but I think you will feel different when your mother is gone.Also remember,if we keep living we will most likely be there someday.Do the best you can and don't let it stress you any more than you can it seems no matter how many children there are it always falls on one child to do every thing. I do feel for you, and for your mother as well. I wish that I had known about this site when I was in need.See if she will agree to store it,if you can afford it.

I too recently went through this...moved my mom to AL on May 5th. I knew she wanted to take everything....but bottom line was all the furniture wouldnt fit. I simply had to tell her...here is a list of the things that will fit in your new place. I told her we would store the rest of it for now, and if it turned out there was room for more, we would bring it over (knowing full well nothing else would actually fit). I have no siblings who can help, and am not married, so I understand your stress and exhaustion with all of it, believe me. Its all on me. I had to simply accept that she was going to be mad at me because there was no alternative. She has midstage alzheimers so the whole thing with the move and her behaviors is beyond trying. I just deal with whatever i have to each day...and now that she is moved, things are worse with her disease, as i expected it would be. Its a long process, and my advice is just to remind yourself all the time that some day things will settle down or at least get a little easier to deal with because we learn how to deal with our emotions a little better. I wish you well!

When I moved mom, I had a similar problem. I stayed firm with "let's start with the basic furniture you need and then we can supplement with stuff from the house later" That worked, although in mom's case her obsession was her collectible figurines. She started with 25. When she started giving these away to staff, I knew the worst was ahead. We then had to move her to a dementia specific facility where everything I brought from home she eventually packed away or gave away. The only thing she will allow is her small dresser and her bed. I would come to visit and she had pulled pictures off the walls and wrapped figurines in toilet paper.

I can totally relate. Went thru the same exact thing with my mom. It does also sound to me as though she is in some stage of vascular dementia too. My mom was verbally abusive to me, negative, hated everything about living with me my husband and son. She is now back in her independent/assisted living 1/1 650 sq ft apt. I told my mom that I would ship it to her later on after she was in and she now realizes it won't fit so I've been able to sell a lot of her stuff. So it was her idea to decide it wouldn't fit! Try to use a little phycology. It's tough though. Another option if she can afford the move, etc, what about a storage unit for a few months until she decides that's too much money? Hang in there. You will get through this as my family and I have.

Cwillie's storage idea is what worked for my mom. Mom thought she would get well and retrieve her treasured belongings. Storage is easier to accept than a Goodwill donation. Compassion is what is needed now.

when it was time to move my mom I had her friend take her out to lunch. Then I had two autos- one to goodwill thrift store and one to the apartment.
Oh, and to the dump.
When she would ask about items I said they were put into storage.

Oh, I wanted to also add that depending on how much control I could have over the move, I would likely have someone take mother in advance to stay at a hotel and then I would be at her place to supervise what the movers took to the new location. They'd take what I thought was necessary and able to fit into her new place. The rest, I'd store for a while. Once her place was filled, she could see that the things were all that would fit, but you still say, the other stuff wouldn't fit on the truck for that trip and you'll have to reschedule another haul later on. That day may never come.

If your mom wasn't always negative and mean, then I might suspect something going one with her, possible a stroke or some kind of mental decline. I know that some people get disagreeable and difficult when that kind of thing is going on. I would be glad she is headed for Independent Living. There are some good ideas upthead about handling her insistence on overloading the apt. I hope some of them work out. I wouldn't be too surprised if she cannot be reasoned with though. Sometimes, it's just not possible. I'd try to not blame her though, since, it's likely not her fault.

gesteiger426, this probably won't work but worth a try... have the movers bring a small truck, thus Mom can't take everything with her. Then you can tell Mom that anything she needs you can bring items the next time you visit. I did that with Dad. Mainly he forgot about most of the stuff but it was like Christmas when I did bring a box of things for him to go through :)

My Dad wanted to bring a set of 1936 and a set of 1960 old encyclopedias, and I tried to talk him out of it. We went around and around on that. Then I realized Dad did have enough space on his bookcases for those heavy books, so why not, if it made him happy. Thank goodness he didn't want to bring his huge workbench and all the tools... whew.

I was pretty much on my own, too [no siblings/no children] but had moved enough times myself to be logistical about the process. It's enough stress to make you want to bang your head on the wall a few times... those of us on the forums have our pretend helmets, with extra padding, to wear :)

Been there! I was lucky in that my parents were only moving about 15 - 20 miles and we still had their house - which needed a lot of work to get ready to sell so we could store the extra there for a while. If your mother is anything like mine there will be no reasoning with her - she won't believe it until she sees it for herself. Since your mom can afford it, yes - hire movers, it will be worth it. Take the head mover aside and give him a heads up - it's likely they've dealt with something like this before. Have a storage unit already rented nearby to take the over-flow. If the movers handle the situation professionally and with tact - be prepared with a nice cash tip - from moms money. Where you might run into a problem is mom wanting to go to the storage unit frequently to visit her stuff and/or change things out, so be prepared with how often your willing to take her there and/or when it needs to stop. After a while as mom adjusts you can get rid of the stuff in storage - with or without her knowledge, you'll have to test the waters on that. My mom thought my brothers and I were giving her extra stuff to charity - but frankly, after all the family members took what they wanted - what was left ended up in a dumpster - sad, but my brothers weren't willing to make Goodwill runs and I had enough to do dealing with getting contractors to fix up the house and dealing with my parents adjusting to their new reality. As hard as this is for you - try to put yourself in your moms shoes. Moms entire life is being stripped away, reduced and moved. When in reality she probably just wishes things could have stayed as it was. In the end - you're lucky your able to get mom to move to a "retirement community" - so many parents won't go until after disaster has struck - and even then it's kicking and screaming.

gesteiger426, not long ago I moved my Dad into an Independent Living, and what I did was create a floor plan on graph paper... then I measured the furniture that my Dad wanted to take and cut out small pieces to represent the furniture... then I arranged it on the graph paper. Boy was I surprised what would fit and not fit.

I wanted to keep my parent's bedroom set all together but it wouldn't all fit in the bedroom at IL.... I was able to place my late Mom's dresser in the living room as a large accent piece which works very well. I wanted to take all of my Dad's bookcases and it did work, but one bookcase did wind up in the walk-in closet but it's great for storing laundry products, extra toilet paper, etc. I had Dad narrow down his books. The standard joke was he went through 200 books and kept 199 :P

cwillie had a great idea about renting a storage place for the furniture that won't fit. My Dad's IL has such rental storage areas in the basement of the building. So check with your Mom's facility.

Tell Mom she can't throw away furniture once she gets there, the facility won't do that, it's not their job, nor will the mover. My Dad is donating furniture and "stuff" so he can get a nice tax write-off :)

Yes, use a mover especially one that has a senior division, these guys are experienced with moving elders and understand there could be glitches with what furniture goes or not.

Let her pay the movers and they can deal with it.

I can understand it is hard for her to give up the things she has saved for and collected through the years. If she can afford a storage unit you might get her to agree to put all the extras there for the time being. If she desperately wants an item it can be retrieved, but out of sight will probably soon become out of mind and they can be disposed of later.

It sounds to me as though your mom, as a result of her strokes, may have some vascular dementia. It can rob one of the ability to reason well. Like, not be able to "see" that she won't need all 12 wine glasses, or that the furniture won't fit.

Yes, I would let the movers do the packing and the hauling away when she gets there. I would also get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation of her overall mental condition. Her anger may be due to depression, anxiety, agitation, any and all of which may be improved with the correct meds.