After my dad passed my husband and I did so much for my mum. We took her out and generally did everything for her such as medical appointments and groceries etc.
We invited her to come live with us s few years ago and just prior to that she had an awful outburst shouting and swearing at my husband and I. It was really quite shocking and nasty.
My mum wasn’t the best of mums growing up and she had alcohol issues and was generally quite toxic. I stupidly thought she had changed as I hadn’t seen that side of her since I left home at 16. I had warmed to her again and let my guard down.
After her awful outburst, I wish I had said that we changed our minds about her moving in but we still went ahead with it.
She paid $10,000 to help with home renovations so she could move in and adapt part of our house for her.
Since then, we have felt like our house isn’t our own. She is deaf and doesn’t know that we can hear her on the phone talking behind our backs. She can be particularly rude to my husband who is the most lovely man ever.
We would really like her to move to sheltered accommodation but how do I approach this? I know she is going to be really nasty about it and our relationship will likely break down altogether. Is it a price worth paying for our sanity or should we just put up with it until she passes? She has many health conditions and is 85 years of age.
It's past time to get your mum out of your home regardless of the consequences. Everyone deserves to live in peace in their own home.
Now if you live here in the US you may have to pay her back the $10,000 so it doesn't hurt the Medicaid 5 year look back, but in all honesty it would be worth it to get her out and into the appropriate facility.
Of course she's going to pitch a fit, but in the end it's your home and you have to do what you feel is best for you and your husband and he and your marriage must come before your mum as you married him and not your mum.
Don't forget that.
Good luck to you.
So what do you do? What I do is avoid them. I will not have anything to do with them. If I have to cut them out of my life, I will do it. Nothing will help an addict unless and until they want to help themselves. They will swear they'll stop drinking, but it doesn't last. Some might regain long sobriety, but you can't really count on it. I don't know about you, but I don't have enough days left in my own life to try to save theirs.
You're worried about your relationship with her breaking down if you approach moving her to a shelter. Well, yeah, but it is already broken down and it won't get any better no matter what you do. Once you understand that, it's easier. You have nothing to break down. You have nothing to gain by having a relationship. Get her out of your house and get back to your own lives. At 85, mom could possibly live 10 or 15 more years, needing more and more help due to illness caused by drinking. Think about that! You could die before she does, considering all the strain she brings into your home. Save yourself and be happy, and good luck in doing so.
If you want your mother out, serve her with eviction papers. This may seem a bit harsh to you, but really under the circumstances and considering her age, APS (Adult Protective services) will expediate getting her into a senior housing that will be appropriate for her. Call APS yourselves and tell them you have served her with eviction because you and your husband can no longer tolerate her abusive behavior and that you cannot and will not be her caregivers or allow her to remain in your home. They will move on it if this is what you tell them. Otherwise they'll drag their feet. They may put her in a nusing home, so be prepared for that. Talk to the lawyer about that $10,000 she put up for your home.
In the meantime, start calling her out on the nasty behavior every time. If she gives you or your husband a nasty outburst, give it right back to her in spades. When you hear her on the phone saying terrible lies about you or your husband take the phone right out of her hand and tell the person on the other line that she is a trouble-maker who makes up lies to get attention and to instigate fights. Tell the person on the other line to please not pay her any attention and to shut her down when she starts with this nonsense.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into business. I have had many care clients like your mother. Ones who said nasty, terrible things and who made up nasty, terrible lies. You call them out on the behavior every time, even in front of other people. Do not allow that kind of behavior.
Nonetheless, she needs to go asap so find a way. No need to cower to her ugly behavior. She probably now has wet brain from her alcoholism so any hopes of repairing the relationship are far less likely so put your energies into your and your husband’s lives.
She might be deliberately talking behind your backs to get your husband to leave/divorce you etc. Then your mother will have you to herself and you will be the one to absorb her unhappiness and abuse.
If I were your husband I would up the "nice" factor and start being really really nice to her and start talking to her like she were a baby. Toxic people hate when you talk down to them etc. and I'm fairly certain it will drive your mother crazy
Also if she still drinks, found out her favorite cocktail/spirits and just start making and offering them to her at every chance.
You don't have a relationship. You have an "I hope" situation. You hope she will start to be a good mom. You hope she will start treating people with kindness. It's not going to happen. You need to let go of that hope and face facts. It's time to get her moved into a facility. If you cannot pay back the $10K in a lump sum set up a pay back system that goes into an account that will pay for her facility expenses, not to her alcohol budget. She could live another 10 years. Do not give up 10 years of your life to be treated so poorly by someone you have tried to do well by. Move her out now and don't look back. She will probably call you and complain, but you can choose not to answer the phone and visit only on holidays. Your health is worth it. The facility will care for her probably better than she cared for you as a child. I hope you have a long and beautiful retirement.
Read the book Boundaries and watch Surviving Narcissism on Youtube. Dr. Les is amazing at explaining the trauma from being raised by mean parents.