Moved back to my parent's house. Did I do the right thing?

You'll get a lot of advice on this site and much of it is awesome. But keep in mind that one size never fits all.

I moved in with my parents about two and a half years ago while continuing to maintain my home. For us it has been the right decision. For another family, especially those with financial hardship challenges and/or disturbing family dynamics, it might be a mistake.

Give yourself and your parents some time. Don't let one event steer you to a hasty decision either way. Look for solutions that make sense for both you and your parents. Me--I operate from the philosophy that there's (almost) always a solution... IF you keep searching to find it.

Your post sounds like that of a caring daughter who is thinking about her parents' needs. When making family decisions, remember to also consider your own needs, especially with regard to your physical and emotional health, and you should be fine.

I have said that many times about this site. Wish I had found it 5 years ago. It has so many great ideas and suggestions not to mention the support that you get. Just venting and then getting a response from others helps so much know that you are not alone. I have given this site to a couple of other friends that are just starting the process of care giving. I pray they use it.

I agree with ZaraZ.. for one to lose future income - unless you expect a large inheritance, is foolish...you will be left high & dry. When the loved one passes or goes to AL or NH, keep in mind that very few employers will hire seniors for any job with a good compensation package, especially if you have been unemployed for a year or more. In this last "great recession, people over age 55 who lost their jobs, had & still are having the hardest time in finding employment compared to younger job seekers

We enabled my inlaws to live in their home for years by buying gadgets, doing chores, installing grab bars, etc. So when more and more limitations arose, they expected their problem solvers to arrive with solutions. But there came a point when there weren't anymore quick and dirty solutions. What we didn't do when the frailties first started was TALK to them about remodeling their home into a handicapped accessible living space. Now it's too late and because of that, independent living was the only solution. It's actually cheaper for my inlaws to live in a building that was designed for people like them than a remodel would have cost in both time and money.

GGsGirl, how I wished I had known about this website 6 years ago, I would have done things so much differently.... over the years I noticed that I was enabling my parents to continue to stay in their single family home by themselves. Now it is hard to make changes and to set boundaries. If I had said the first year *no, I can't possibly do that" maybe today my folks would be safely living in a nice retirement complex.

Now my parents guilt the neighbors to shovel their driveway because if you looked out your window and saw a 93 year old man shoveling, using a walker, you can't help but feel responsible if he hurts himself. I no longer can shovel as I now have a heart condition and I am listening to my cardiologist when she said *no shoveling*.

freqflyer, I did not discover this site until after my mother moved in with me, and then it was by chance, looking for related information. I agree that everyone needs to have as many resources available to them when thinking about caring for an elderly loved one. But unless you've known anyone in this situation who has given you clear insight into the realities, you are clueless! I certainly was.

I know, Irishboy, everything comes at me in a shocking way mostly, where my Mom is concerned - I've had to learn though that when one is organized with lists and details, it makes life and the stress much easier to deal with. Not that I look at all the negative things that might happen in life, but even with me and my business, I organize as if something might happen to uproute me - I find that my detailed organized lists of whom to contact (even if it is just fire and rescue or a vet on call, or obviously, anything that deals with Mom's health and issues)..I am prepared for something (just in case)....maybe, that makes no sense, but it helps me feel that everything is under control, even if not - at least I have my list of contacts for support, etc....

Tribeca, you're assuming a lot. Many times caregiving and having to move(sometimes across the country) happens in an instant. There is an event(parent fell and broke hip) that the adult child has to step in quickly.

You can be the most organized person in the world, that still doesn't mean you have to react quickly in certain situations.

I agree, once you get into the routine of caregiving, the more organized you are the better things will go for everyone, and especially the caregiver.

But I don't think any of us really planned for this.

I moved in with Mom almost 10 years ago, leaving NYC behind and started my own company here. Mom needed assistance driving to MUSC for cornea transplants, and I was the only daughter that could help at that time.... It wasn't going to become permanent, but I used occasion to start my business which is pretty good still ... Now my Mom is 89 and many many health/mental issues are popping up, but I am working with each one a they appear - trying to quickly, however, you will find your self overwhelmed if you are not organized. My advise is to have your lists prepared, of doctors, care centers, etc... house details - this helped me. I think a lot of people just are not organized enough and it becomes a big issue. Now, I have my Mom thinking for the next year (no rush); but exactly what she wants to do - go to a retirement center or have assistance come in to help her if necessary - there are just some things I cannot help with with againg parent. Luckily Mom is pretty healthy and only takes one pill, but has MD and walking problems (though with a cane still - thankfully, I have a physical therapist who comes in 2/week).... Good Luck - it is a lot to take on, I feel, but be organized and prepared and it all works out ....

I went part time for the last 5 years. but at 58 I needed to get back to work as Social Security looks at the last 6 years you worked. April 13th I start full time and had to hire an agency to back up my private CNAs. My time away 2 nights a week and other part time work was my sanity. Consider all your options and transition slowly if you can. Best wished.

How I wish every grown child would come to this website BEFORE the moving van shows up to move in with their parents or the parents into their home to get an idea what may happen by reading all the forums.

I never thought of my parents ever getting old because I never saw my grandparents get old because we lived too far away to see them more than once a year, and that week of visiting [staying in a hotel] doesn't give one a true picture of what goes on in an aging household.

My parents were in their late 80's and still walking 2 miles a day for exercise. Dad was driving everywhere... they were always going on vacation. When Dad had a heart attack that all changed... oh my gosh, I finally noticed my parents were aging. No one ever taught me what to do. I dread the next step when my parents need outside help.

NYDIL, Ouch, I feel your pain. good luck!

I got a part-time job while caring for my inlaws. One year became two then four. I'm now in year five and my inlaws are in an independent living building but no one will even interview me for a job because I've been out of the market for too long. So now I'm trying to make the best of it by reinventing myself using the skills I gathered during the years I had a career. Although things are looking brighter than they have in a long time, I've got a long way to go before I even earn even one-quarter of what I used to. And losing all those benefits stings! It's been difficult. Very, very difficult.

Two things:

1. Freqflyer, right on. It is important to remember that the last decade(s)of life need not be as fraught with stress as most of our stories here. There are responsible people out there who PLAN their own last decades. Life need not end in a train wreck for the family. The problem, as we know, is that the dementia can set in before the rational plans begin.

2. As for "follow your heart," "make your own decision", etc. The problem is that we all have big opinions WITHOUT THE EXPERIENCE TO GO WITH THEM. So, when people nobly move in with parents, they are doing so with the best motives and zero understanding of what it means. That is why they come to this site--to glean the experience of others. As far as I can tell, the happiest person in this thread is the one who is not working, has time to take care of parents, and has a husband with a job. For lone earners or lone earners with families(!), it s whole different story.

RFS1962: The first thing that must be done before anything else is that Systolic B P. ..It's too high. Really high. There are blood pressure meds that address the systolic only if the diastolic is ok. Ask your cardiologist about ExForge HCL 5/160/12.5
Let us know how she is doing in about three weeks, OK? We care.

Dear Mcclintock07: My heart goes out to you. You are so right about how much difference one's reaction to verbal abuse can make. I would just like to interject one point: Caregiving is extremely stressful in and of itself. When a person is stressed to the max and overtired, it's really difficult, almost impossible to temper one's response. I think overall, caretakers are the silent victims of an impossible situation. I think all of us have to find some peace of mind in knowing that at any given time, we're doing the absolute best we can, and that's all anyone can ask of us. Being able to vent in a forum such as this really helps. I hate that others are experiencing such difficulties, but it helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues - that there are others out there who understand.

Dear McClintock07: your story went straight to my heart going out for you. It's about the verbal abuse. I felt and sometimes still do feel I'm being verbally abused. I've learned that these "ABUSERS" want a reaction out of you. My sweet mother, who just passed away 6 weeks ago said to me "it's not what someone says to you that's annoying, it's your REACTION to what they say that matters".
Just wanted to share that because it really did work. The less reaction you give, the less they will abuse. Sounds like you need to take care of yourself. And I will say a prayer that you find a New prayer group within women that are not clickish and jealous of you. God Bless You and keep up with that degree.

mcclintock07 here...i am new here but it is a pleasure knowing that i am not alone. I meet with lots of abuse from mom whom i live with and do all her meds..she is diabetic and has 2 personality disorders plus mild alz..they are narcissistic and borderline plus a bit of alchoholism. She tells everyone that because she still works four half-day periods at the salon as a hairdresser that"something's wrong with this picture.." i gave up my nursing job three years ago after dad passed as i needed to take some time off after caring for him for three years of pulmonary fibrosis and watched him pass in the hospital of pneumonia...so it has not been fun. My younger sister is moms favorite yet she doesnt care about mom..they went away for the weekend to miami and mom ended up footing half the cost 200.00 and sis' boyfriend paid the other 200.00. When they arrived home mom did not take her Sunday meds. If you saw her she looks and acts like Betty White!!! Is still functioning well, driving, i help her with her bills..some days she forgets her phone number or what to say..sis will say "well she's 83!!! Sis has no clue...she accused me of trying on her panties while she stayed with us a month. When I told her sorry i have my own thimgs, she flat out trefused to believe me..she has mom spending alot of money but yet for years has always accused me when i do the most and get all the abuse. Sis was married to a rich alcoholic man who abused her for tjirty five years but she syayed because of money. He bad mouthed our family and this is the end result. I stay away as she starts escalating and screaming at me on the phone..mom has taken it out on me for years..mom and i were never close..i am tje black sheep..so i am still livinat moms trying to finish up my rn degree withim the next several months...so thats what keeps me going..also i had developed panic attacks, asthma and now hyperthyroidism..which is slowly getting better...thanks for letting me vent-it is much appreciated..i pray alot..found a prayer group but the women in thete are abusive to me verbally so i quit tjat-everyone i meet seems to abuse me...how do i make it stop!!!??? Thanks much..
Mcclintock07

I have mentioned this before on this site to other questions but will answer again on this one because it strikes so close to home. After my father had his massive heart attack, I moved in with my parents to help thinking it would only be for a couple, three at the most weeks. My mom who has dementia but was still living at home with dad completely derailed. Although my sister and I were the loves of her life it threw her off her normal routine to have dad out of commission and me living there doing everything. And yes, Jessiebelle, my blood pressure was probably higher than hers :) As time went on, I realized that it was going to take a lot longer to get dad back on his feet and that mom was going to get worse and worse. It ended up that she started getting mean which she never was in her life and couldn't understand the simplest of things. I ended up having to take her to a facility of which she's been there for 5 years last month. I lived with my father for 6 mos. due to all the drs. appts. and cooking etc. Fortunately I didn't work at the time and my husband was my rock at the time, still is. This 88 year old man who fought on Iwo Jima depended on me for everything with great gratitude and anxiety because he felt he was ruining my life. We finally got him strong and healthy again after the 6 mos., sold their home and moved him into a retirement facility which has been wonderful for him. He misses my mom but is doing really good for a 92 year old man. Sorry, for going on so long but I agree with JessieBelle on this. Only you know how much you can do and for how long. Don't feel guilt or regret for anything. Just do the best you can for as long as you can. If you can't, find the help that is needed. Taking care of parents is not for sissies. Good Luck to you and God Bless.

So true zookeeper been here 2 yrs. Its hard plus having to deal w siblings. I would sure do things different..

No, moving into parents home is usually a disaster. I did it, and regret it every single day. Wish I'd moved mom in with me, or directly to assisted living. Your life ends.

Dear RFS1962: Your willingness to care for you mother is noble. In answer to your question, my feeling is that it really depends on the relationship you have with your parents. My advice to anyone who is contemplating moving in with elderly parent(s) to take care of them, is NOT to do so unless you draw up some sort of contract to protect them and yourself. I made the move without having anything in writing, but just a verbal agreement. My Mom was in bad shape, and my Dad wasn't able to care for her. Once I got moved in, we almost lost my Mom. She was bedridden due to malnutrition, medication oversights, etc., etc., I got her through a major hospitalization, then worked 8 months to get her strength back, and actually got her back on her feet with the aid of a walker. It was at this point that my father decided he no longer needed me, and I found myself in a very tense situation and having to find a place to live in a hurry. I can only say that if I'd had a written agreement, things would have turned out much better in the end. Good luck to you and anyone else out there contemplating such a move. My heart goes out to all of you.

On the flip side, in my area there are waiting lists to get into retirement villages by those of who are 55 and older. These places are like 5-star resorts... and within one complex is a memory care facility. One complex is building new condos [some as large as over 2,000 sqft] as fast as they can because of the demand.

I tried to get my parents to move into one of these complexes but they refuse to leave their single family home with all those stairs. Thus, they need to take the responsibility of their choice.... I refuse to move in with them, and refuse to quit my career because of THEIR choice. Plus I am an only child who couldn't have children, thus no one to pass on the baton.

When the time comes that my parents [in their 90's] needs more physical help, then they will need to dust off the investments and hire a professional.... yes, let a stranger in the house because I am a senior myself and have my own age related decline. If I fall, would my parents be able to pick ME up?

My parents never took care of their parents; they have no clue what it is all about. I do get their groceries weekly [I order on-line for them and myself], and I will take them to doctor appointments [I try to get back-to-back appointments, thus one trip because I now panic when].

My Mom sister lived to be 100, thus her 75 year old son [only child] was helping her out, she also refused to move from her single family home... her son and his wife sold their own home and moved into a retirement community.

With people living longer and longer, we will be seeing 110 year olds being cared for by their 90 year old children, or 70 year old grandchildren.

That's not your fault that her blood pressure is going bonkers. It's her own personal issues and fact that something new is entering her privacy zone that she's use to having without children around. It's also the idea that she's privately upset that she is losing her own ability to take care of herself without having to depend on others. Change does not come comfortably easy to the elderly.

I have been with my mom a year and half now. Yes, my moving in did upset her routine because I have my own ways of getting things done. There is always 'more than 1 way to skin a cat'. Parents do not like to agree because they don't like change. It doesn't get easier for them the longer you remain in the house. But they eventually will begin to 'thank you' and appreciate your presence.

My mom is 90 and she keeps kicking me out of the house every single day. Tells me she doesn't need, nor want me here. There are times she 'beats me to the punch' when it comes to cleaning the house and doing her laundry. She will overexert herself because for that 'instant' she feels she's strong enough to do housework and laundry/iron but within half hour of beginning it she has to sit down and call me to finish what she started. She has no patience to wait for me to even start house cleaning or laundry. She can't do things like she use to and if I wasn't here to do them they'd never get done...anymore. My mom resents that she can't do things as she did a decade ago but she is stubborn and doesn't like to constantly acknowledge that she needs help and can no longer function like she did at 50. She also tells me I clean wrong, I do her laundry wrong, I don't get groceries correctly and that I'm to blame for her blood pressure going bonkers(even though that really is not true). And when my siblings are home and I'm not home or around...mom complains to them about me and tells them I don't do anything around here but sit on my butt. I don't contribute to the groceries, I don't do this or that the way she wants to have things done. Yet, I do my best to get things done and get all the groceries she wants when she wants them.Maybe they are not done the exact way my mom would have done it but the chores get done. But it's never good enough, nor is it ever done to her personal standards. Nothing done will ever be 'good enough' for her because no one is more perfect than she, the parent. Yeah, it's a bit narcissistic, but it's 'mom'. You can't argue with a 90 year old perfectionist who finds fault only in others and not themselves. But you can learn to just let it go before it consumes you. At 90 you cannot change your mothers views, values, morals, etc. You can only allow her to grieve and vent and be understanding to her angst.

My advice to you is to listen to your heart and know that you moved back in because it's for your parents well being. Know that you are not to blame for anything they may verbally throw at you as being your fault. Know that you are there because you care about your parents health and household safety. I don't know how many times I have saved this house from burning down in the last year because mom 'forgot' to turn off a stove burner. You are there out of your personal goodness and compassionate soul. Never second guess your decision to move in with them. They will be grateful to you even if they never verbalize it/show it to you.

I have learned to 'pick my battles'. Many times when mom starts to whine and start telling me how I'm not doing like she wants around here, I don't say a word but I do leave the room and go to my computer room. Even if I did something exactly as she asked...it's never good enough and she will tell me I did it wrong..even if it's done right. The bottom line is that it wasn't done by her, therefore it will always be done wrong because no one but she is best at everything that needs done round this house and garden.

They may not verbally state it but you will get a random thanks once in a while and don't just assume they are thanking you for that very moments specific issue. take it as a collective thanks for being there over the course of your stay with them. It's hard for an elder to let go and accept they need the help.

My mom still tries to open jars and self sealing deli meat/cheese bags and has a rotten time at opening them up to the point I noticed she'd knife them open. I bought fold over sandwich bags to transfer the slices into these bags for her. Learn your parents' troublesome issues around the house and find ways to remedy it to make it easier for them to continue to have some sort of self sufficient independence. I buy family size shampoo bottles but I transfer small amounts into the small salad dressing bottles with the twist off caps. hard to find small shampoo bottles with pumps for her so this was the next best thing. I always immediately open and refrigerate any jarred foods, too.

Remember you do not, nor will not be, 'The Cause' of her panic/stress attacks, blood pressure rising or decreasing, the headaches, the backaches, the neck pain, the leg pain, etc, etc. You are the nearest thing to your ailing parent for them to place blame on. Don't argue with them about that...just be silent and do what needs to be done to remedy any health 'attack' as it comes. And also learn a few lessons from this experience and take notes so that you do not repeat these verbal vomit episodes onto your own children when you are 90 and they are 40, 50, 60, 70 years old taking care of you.

You are a good daughter/son for doing this. Elders should not be placed into nursing homes for mild ailments or slight health issues where they can still function on their own..even though the option is there for such elders. The cost of living in assisted/independent living centers is expensive. Help keep your parents idealism and sentimental ethics concerning their house/property as long as they are able. It's a hard transition for any elder to go into assisted living centers and to let go of their own home which they had kept for 50, 60, 70 years. Many elders are unwilling and should never be forced to do that if they really do not feel emotionally able to handle such transition. Besides, you never know how much longer they will be alive upon proceeding with a house to center transition. this could depress them so bad that they pass within weeks of moving into the center.

Stay positive. Good luck, Bright blessings, healing light, and Namaste. You will be ok. Stay true to your choice to move in with them till it's no longer working per the benefit of their own health needs.

Hi RFS, I too moved in to my parents home after my mom had died, to care for my dad who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 4 years prior. I too forgot about my lose of S.S. and other benefits. I have 3 other siblings 2 live 5 min. from dad and one is far away. Needless to say we hardly see any of them, so after 2 years I requested payment of some sort. My dad had set him and my mom up for retirement quite well. Of course there was no agreement on the amount until we went to court. The amount we agreed (not really) on , was 1/4 of what I made working. Taxes are taken out but no S.S. or unemployment or health insurance which I went without until Obama care. It has been 8 years now, dad is 88 and his physical state is good and even though I have pretty much killed my retirement plan I would not have been able to live my life with the guilt of not stepping up to the plate. Each person is different and each situation is different that's why this web site is wonderful. Read all the responses you can but in the end you need to make the decision that is right for you. Good luck and God Bless.

Each situation is different. If you followed your heart, you are probably right to do what you did. Cultures are different too. We live in a society that encourages everyone to leave home and go, go, go, but that's not necessarily the only way to do things.

If you have love in your (shared) home and kindness all around you then all is well.

It takes work to live effectively with others. We all need to listen and that can be hard to to.

Sit down and ask your mom what she wishes. Share your expectations with each other and remember to listen to each other. You may not be able to accommodate each other's wishes right away, but the conversation will stay with you and you each may find a way.

One day your dear parents will be gone and there will be no more chance to be with them. Savor your time. You are lucky that you are able to be close to your family at this time. Your memories of now will stay with you for the rest of your life, long after your parents are gone.

Try to be sure that you make good, nice memories and tell your parents you love them as often as you can. One day they will not be there and you won't be able to tell them anymore. Hug them often, if they let you. :)

You have to remember one thing - YOU COME FIRST. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be of any use to anyone. Taking care of yourself includes maintaining your lifestyle, job, outside activities, etc. You will also retire, someday, and reduced income may have serious consequences. I don't advocate moving in because you tend to lose your own life as your parents absorb you into their life. Bring in outside help and provide what help you can.

Do what is right for you. I found that everyone has an opinion. That does not mean that you have to do what they say. I quit my job to take care of my mother, and o don't regret one minute of it. I'm not wealthy. I have very little money. But I know that ALL THE $$$$ in the world can not buy your health and happiness. Follow your heart RFS1962. Do what YOU WANT. I would love to take care of my dad. He won't ALLOW me to be around.

Zara, you're quite rude. Calling people "stupid" for quitting their jobs. While it is unwise and should be avoided, your choice of words makes you look ignorant.

I agree, that it should be avoided as most adult caregivers are in their 40s though their 60s, but life happens.

The parents don't always live in the state where the caregiver lives and works, it's not easy when you're up a few times a night assisting a parent to be bright eyed and bushy tailed to get to work at 8am.

And there are people who are left a decent sized inheritance that they can manage to live off of, without returning to work once the parent/parents passes.

You comments were quite ignorant, and to call a caregiver stupid again was rude.

A year ago, my husband and I moved back to our home town to live with my elderly parents so that we could help my mother care for my dad who had a stroke. My parents have a full apartment in their finished basement, so we have our own separate living quarters, which makes this possible for us to be here, but still lead our own lives. My husband also still works full time, so no loss of income there. I was a stay at home Mom, so I do not have any retirement or SS contributions to speak of anyway. Now instead of raising kids, I am back up and support for my mother in caring for my father. It is really working quite well for us and once we were home, I began to see that my mother is in the beginning stages of dementia, and so it is a good thing we are here now in the early stages. I say this because even though they both were thrilled to have us here, our moving in did really through Mom for a loop in regard to her dementia as it was a big change in her world and anything that disrupts their world when dementia sets in, will cause BP to go up and even trigger the dementia to become worse. But once we all got past the settling in and us being here became routine to her, now she is fine again. In fact, now that we are here and some of the stress off of her has lifted, her dementia symptoms have improved and she has had many more good days than bad ones. My dad was really causing her health to decline in his response to her dementia. Neither of them are in bad enough health to need to be in a nursing home, yet can they afford to hire help or move to assisted living. For us, this was a good solution and has worked out well.