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I had a break down about 3 weeks ago and had my brother come pick up Mom. In the mean time I found a place an AL for her close to me. When my brother brought her back, she went right into the home with all her stuff. She's been there for 4 days now and all she says is she doesn't like it and wants to go home. Nobody will take her. My excuse is I started working while she was gone. She is very shy and now she has turned from sweet to rude. She won't go out and met people. She has a lot of hip and back pain and can't walk that well and won't use her walker. She is so stubborn. I stayed the first night with her and woke up many time and with a back ache. Stayed all day but came home the second night. I go 2 times a day and she still complains about the place. I will cut down to one day, then every other day. I'm having just as hard time with her there as when she was with me. My brother's live 2 hrs away. Not much help from them. What else can I do? Wait and see?

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Hi, My Mother broke her hip and had to go to AL in June of 2013 for one month. After hospital and re-hab. All she did was complain, and complain. The place was great, the food was New York style, activities were the best, care was terrific, she had physical threaphy. Staff said that she was happy when we were not their but got mean when we came. Seems like our parents or some of them just become mal-contents. When she lived with my husband and me for 6 monthes after re-hab from having spetis she complained every day that she was with us. We waited on her hand and foot. She complained every minute of every day. Not happy with anything. My father no better so just feel like throwing in the towel. Sorry for your pain.
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mean there not their..sorry not getting much sleep both parents going to be 89.
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Most alf's recommend not visiting for 2 weeks or so to allow the elder to adjust. Talk to the staff about her adjustment issues and then step back.
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Dear SuziQ, first of all I know how tiring and wearing on you it is to be the brunt of her constant complaints. I heard that too when my father first moved into Independent living from his home. I think parents feel like they can get by with more complaining to us and it's also a manipulation tactic. I know it's normal and natural to be sure your parent is happy but until we take that burden off ourself and realize it is up to them, we will never feel we can do enough. It is her job to make her life happy not yours. You have done your best for her and she is in the right place. You might ask the facility to have their social worker meet with her and determine if part of this is anxiety. She may need meds. The adjustment can be difficult at this age. I finally had to tell my dad that I can no longer listen to constant complaining so unless he could call me with positive things, not to call. You just don't need that constant barrage of negativity. Tell her to call your brother when she feels like complaining!! That might get him to do something. Here's the other thing, although you do live near her try to pretend you don't, just pretend you live 2 hrs away like your brother. Make yourself stay away for a while. You are going to have to set boundaries. As far as her pain, perhaps she needs a scooter chair so she can be more mobile and get out more I hope you and she find peace soon. I really feel for you and know what it's like.
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That's what I'm afraid of. Putting my complaining, morose Mother anywhere else. I've looked several places and one has a policy that you leave them there for 90 days to give it a real chance. They said they will most always complain about it for the first weeks. I would agree that visiting too much isn't good. I have a friend who visits his mother every day and she still complains after two years. She'd have to get used to it if you weren't there all the time, or often. Some people like to have that little bit of independence. My MIL lives get AL and she lives over a thousand miles away from us, so she never sees us, except one a year. She's happy and says it's the best thing that could ever have happened to her. She also complained and put the guilt trip on my husband at first, but since we weren't even in the vicinity, she stopped very quickly and was forced into getting acclamated. I do also know that AL' s well not put up with too much in the bad behavior department. Ugh. What to do?
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Is there a doctor on site that your mom can see for her various medical ailments? My mother actually enjoyed the fact that her doctor was so close by and could be reached easily; she no longer had to rely on one of us taking her to the doctor. AL/IL facilities (most of them, anyway) have staff to help clients "settle in". Find out who is in charge of this, talk to them and follow their advice.
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The complaints of wanting to go home is natural, as imagine yourself going to a very unfamiliar place and not being able to leave. Home is all that they know, it is their safety and comfort zone. Maybe distance yourself for a week or so and maybe she will find it easier to settle in. This would also give you a chance to regroup, you can call the nurses regularly and check on her if you like. They will give you an up to date report on her. I have seen this a lot when family would visit it would take an hour or more to settle them back in. Have yourself a break and she will be fine as she gets to know a few people. Take care of you for now and good luck.
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I've heard rumors that ALF's suggest you don't visit for 2 weeks and if they're true it's a bunch of crap. I think that would be cruel to just drop someone off and not come back for 2 weeks and I would never support something like that. I don't know where this little nugget of advice came from but I don't believe in it one little bit.
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My Mom is also kind of shy and didn't want to go to a home. She ended up living with me, so that's no solution to your issue. But what I want to say is that I actually have been able to get her to do some activities with other people that she previously didn't want to do. Because she's an introvert, it's hard to meet people.

Strangely, everywhere we go, people act like it's a natural thing to want to be with a bunch of strangers and becoming good friends and such. That's natural for the extroverts, possibly, but not for the entire populace.

So, here's what I said to my Mom about some of this, because she really felt to self-conscious about trying some of these things:
Mom, pick things you like. Don't worry about meeting people. You'll end up talking about whatever you're meeting about and that will be fun to share thoughts on your interests. But it's not about making friends. If you make a friend out of it, great, but don't listen to all these people who make it sound like you have to go create some kind of posse. Just enjoy yourself, talk about your interests, and don't worry about the rest.

Now, as I said, it's a little easier because she feels safe and supported living with me, and her memory isn't great so I have to give her this little pep talk with some regularity, but it's worked with her. Maybe it would work with your Mom. Is there any program around, knitting, painting, anything she likes or always wanted to try?

By the way, this is the same pep-talk I give the main introvert in my life, which is me. :-)
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Agree with Eyerishlass. My mom's been in two ALFs and neither one suggested not visiting for two weeks. My mom is a big-time complainer, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it. You are the "safe" one to complain to in unfamiliar surroundings. It's just going to take time to adjust. Mom's current ALF said give it six weeks. And she did adjust but she still complains about almost everything. It's just her natural state as she has always been on the negative side of things.

I've changed the way of how I deal with the complaining. If it is something serious, say her pager's not working, I will work to solve the situation. If it's about the food, I just tell her I'm sorry about that and move on. If there's nothing that can be done in a practical sense I let it go in one ear and out the other. It's taken me years to learn this, but I suspect you too will learn in time. It's not exactly easy, but it's easier, if that makes sense.

Hang in there. It will get better with time.
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we were told when we moved my mom into a facility that it can take at least a month for our loved ones to get used to the new surroundings. Talk to the social worker at the facility and let them know of your concerns for your mom. They may have someone who could be a "buddy" to her until she feels secure and used to the new place. It may take some of the pressure off of you as well.
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My moms been at an alf for almost two on this now and the place is absolutely gorgeous. It was really the nicest one I found and it really looks and smells like a resort. After getting so many late night calls and all those complaints over and over where I thought I would surely have a breakdown I tried a different tactic, since my mom never toured any of the Ali's I figured I would try taking her to a not so nice place just to see what the alternatives were. The place was a complete dump and I wanted to cry for everyone in there when we left. After seeing that place and seeing where she could have ended up my on did a 360 degree turn around and decided the place she was in is really beautiful and she doesn't ever want t o end up in a crappy place like that so she decided on her own to make the best if it and start where she is. It might sound a little cruel the way I took her on a tour but sometimes you have to have a little bit of tough love. I too was on the verge of a breakdown because she was so miserable I think it's all part of the adjusting process. Give it a little time it will get easier.
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I had an opposite experience, my father loves assisted living. He wasn't sure that he would but after a couple of respite weeks he liked it. He loves having someone do all the cooking and cleaning, and enjoys the doting from the staff as well as the companionship of other residents. He especially loves to help the little ladies who need a litte more assistance than him. Also, there are several residents who have taken it upon themselves to help other residents at the dining table. One lady takes drinks and refills, passes out napkins and desserts (this would not be possible with a walker). Even those residents who can't get around as well keep a keen eye on the welfare of their fellow residents, and can be helpful in alerting staff to resident issues or illness. They have found a purpose, as my father has. There have been a few issues come up. Whereas he used to love the food, now he complains sometimes, and sometimes he is not interested in the activities, but they can't please everyone, and occassionally there are disputes between residents but all in all he is not interested in going back home where it is only one on one with my sister or I. He has his cell and can call anytime and we visit at least once or twice a week. We are also really involved with the family holiday parties, dinners, and celebrations. Perhaps if you talk to the staff about diverting her attention to activities that make her feel useful and have a purpose, she will come to feel less isolated and unhappy.
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Sorry for all the typos I'm on my iPad and I can never type right on this thing. On another note I also visited a lot in the beginning, I don't believe it's right to not visit our parents need all the help they can get when they are experiencing something so new and different. I don't think it would have made any difference in how she felt if I didn't visit her in the beginning, this is a huge new step for them and its comforting for them to know their kids didn't just dump them off. Visit and visit often eventually you will be able to cut it back but in the beginning for us atleast we felt it important to be by her side as she adjusts
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Yes, I agree w/ Eyrishlass and Windytown....not visiting for two weeks is a harsh recommendation. It may help the AL staff have more control, but I think it would leave the parent feeling totally abandoned and more confused!! Also, I agree w/ Geo very much. Some people are just shy and less confident about stepping out amongst strangers, and fitting in or feeling comfortable. I had my Mom at first in an Independent Living facility. She had a beautiful apt. and was supposed to go to the dining room three times a day (although her apt had a kitchen as well). I didn't realize at the time, but my Mom's memory problems made her afraid and unconfident to interact w/ the other residents. She could never remember their names, and was not received that well by the others. It was a funny thing I noticed: the residents had little groups that they'd formed (people they always dined with, etc) and were not all inclusive of new people. It almost seemed like junior high...where kids formed cliques and excluded others. If one is shy and not confident, they would certainly be alone. My Mom spent most of her time alone in her apt. waiting for me to come and do things with her. I finally moved her in with me, as she was very lonely and wanted to be around family. I hope your Mom adjusts to AL, but I certainly don't go along with some advice that you don't visit her as much. (And it sounds like you would not do such a thing, as you are going daily to visit her.) That was rather a hassle for me, too, I found. Running over there all the time! It became easier to have her live with us.
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I could never put my mom or dad in a ALF. That would be like him putting me in an orphanage when I was a child.
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Good for you Charles1921 - you had a loving father or mother. Not always the case on this site.
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Charles1921 is my father's age when he passed. I am his daughter. It was an hohor to care for him, even though as a child he was very harsh with his words and dicipline but he fought in 2 wars for his country and I loved him very much.
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I have a sister who has been in various group homes for 30 years. Whenever she moves, I stay away for 2 weeks to allow her to refocus on the new surroundings. SuzieQ, your mother will continue to focus on you as long as you keep staying with her, or you visit more than once a week. I used to take my sister home on weekends, and it was a mistake. She stopped participating in group activities and outings, she would call me every day. She would get nasty with staff and other residents. I had to pull back and I did. She now focuses on the staff at her group home. She socializes with housemates. She is much happier now than when I spent too much time with her. So when I move my MIL to AL, I know enough to step back, because only then will she connect to new friends. If you become their entertainment center, you are the only channel they want to watch.
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Raising up a child is not the same as watching a parent go down. You can do everything for a parent and they will continue to attack the child who is doing the most. Not all parents are like this but my 89 year old Mom & Dad with dementia are. My husband and I have saved both thier lives two times each and they come back each time more nasty then before. They say the meaness things to both of us. We are not that young ourselves 59 and husband 64. I am an only child and having my parents do this to us is just too much. Not sure what to do except to back off. So sorry but the devil is making me post this. Am happy for people whoes parents are not like mine.
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Charles not all of us have the luxury of having our parent live with us. My Mom is narcissitic and would HATE living with us. I too promised never to put her in a "home." The one thing you have to think about is in their minds, from their generation, they didnt have all of these beautiful resort like Alf's, they had nursing homes. Cold white walls with people in uniforms treating them like "patients." It's not like that anymore. The ALF my mom is in is literally like a resort. I would move there in a heartbeat. Restaurant style dining (with menus), inground swimming pool, happy hours, beauty salon, a bus to take her anywhere and everywhere. The comfort for us children is that our parents are not alone rotting in a house all by themselves waiting for their next visitor. I too struggled with the thought of placing Mom in an ALF but once we made the decision it turned out to be the very best thing we could do for our Mom. She is no longer alone, rotting, waiting for a crumble of a visitor. She gets to eat beautiful HEALTHY meals as opposed to eating microwave crap and if she forgets to go down to eat they remind her. My Mom's health has been fabulous since making the move, she was literally dying at home, never eating right, sleeping almost always, and being alone so much with her "thoughts" was doing far more damage then her living here and actually having people to interact with. I agree it is like going back to high school, there are cliques of people and some of them are like mean girls but my Mom was very lucky to make a really nice friend on day one and that has helped so much with the transition. She still is not thrilled about being here but I think in her mind, even she is a tiny bit releived that she is not home alone and she has every thing she has at home, if she wants to sleep she has a bed, she has a tv, she has a fridge to keep some of her not so healthy foods. The major difference now is SHE HAS CHOICES. If she gets bored or lonely there are things for her to do, places to go, people to talk with. I'm glad you didnt have to make that choice for your parent but don't be so quick to judge the rest of us. We are doing our very best by our parents and unless you've walked in our shoes you really have no business judging.
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My dad belongs to a senior social club he no longer attends. He is bored and refuses to go there now. He used to complain incessantly about everything, but I have taken him to a nursing home and suddenly he is a lot quieter. Hardly a word, unless spoken to. He dreads the thought of having to go into a 'home' , but its still very taxing on me and my sister whom he lives with.
We try, its far from easy.
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To clarify about the "two weeks"; no, we didn't "drop Mom off" and drive away with no contact for two weeks. We set up her apartment with things she loved from home, brought her supplies that we thought she would need--tea, milk, cereal, seltzer, cookies and candies that she likes. We made sure she knew where everything was and made sure that she had a staff contact person she could call upon if there was anything wrong. What we didn't do was stay overnight, cook for her, clean for her and fix things for her. If she called to say that something was wrong (light bulb burned out, toilet clogged) we reminded her that she had "staff" to do those things for her. She learned to call the staff and rely upon them for the fixes. We each came by at least once a week after the settling in period, to take her shopping, for hair appointments and to do other "fun" stuff. But just like summer camp and college, we needed to give her some time to adjust to a different way of life. Hope this helps and clarifies.
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Moving is very traumatic for elderly..and especially if they also have dementia...will make it worse temporarily. It may be 2 months or so but if you just let her complain, but kindly let her know she is in a good place that she needs to be and you are still around, she will prob adjust. ..hugs to you.
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I hope by now your mom is doing better. Four days is a very short time. Please keep visiting for short visits at least every other day until she is more relaxed, it will help in the long run. She is probably anxious and scared. Ask staff for help, that's why you pay them the big bucks. Ask the activities dept to seek her out. Get her pain managed. She will gradually adjust if you stand your ground and she will have more activities available there than she would at home.
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This is how my friend S. handled the constant complaining she was subjected to when visiting the ALF.
S. was not willing to listen to it. Thereafter, when she went to visit, she would walk into the room, look at her watch and say, "You have five minutes to whine and complain. If you continue after five minutes, I'm leaving." As the five minutes ended, she'd look at her watch and say, "Time's up for whining and complaining."
If it persisted, S. got up and left the facility.
It took two or three visits during which S. actually got up and left that it finally registered with the woman that S. would not and did not come to the ALF to listen to her constant complaining.
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Stop visiting. She needs several weeks to adjust and so do you. Give her time to make new friends, and stop listening to her complaining. That is normal and making you feel guilty is probably something she is good at, so keep your calls short, sweet and stay away. Visit only when you feel strong. Trust me. I've been there and done that.
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Thank you all for your input. Some say visit often, some say don't visit for a while. I do think I need to cut back on my visits to every other day. She does need to acclimate to the room and facility. Her dementia seems to have gotten worse though and that scares me. She is afraid to talk to anyone because she says she can't. I do need to talk to someone their because I don't think she is getting any one on one. She quit eating her favorite candy and cookies, I can't figure out why. It's not the best place, kind of dreary hallways. But that is all she can afford. I have thought maybe she should come back and live with us, but then I talked myself out of it,. My husband and I didn't have any freedom and lost contact of a lot of our friends. Now we have the freedom and in contact again with friends again after 2 yrs. I feel like I'm living again and not just existing. My husband can see the difference in me when he walks in the door from work. So no, I will not take her back in my home. I hope it gets better for her and she will not just give up. Thank you again. And God Bless you all.
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geo123: That was great information. I saved it so I can look back on it when I need to remember what to say to her.
Harpcat: I will ask the facility to have their social worker meet with her if they have one.
Thank You
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My mother has complained about being at assisted living everyday for 2 years. It has been heartwrenching. I tried everything to make her happy, but nothing pleases her. Absolutely nothing. So when I got tired of the guilt and started looking at the facts (which can be hard to do through a veil of tear)... I asked myself...is it the best place for her? yes. Is it clean, safe, meet her needs (nursing assistance, medications, meals, activities? yes. She is not being abused, mistreated or neglected. She just did not want to be there. She wanted to be at home, to complain about everything I'm doing wrong, yell at me and run me in the ground. It's really hard. But love sometimes have to make tough decisions for the best.

It like dropping a toddler off at preschool.... some cry, some say bye, but the mothers are always heartbroken. It take time for everyone to adjust. The elderly can be the same way.. Good Luck.
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