I had a break down about 3 weeks ago and had my brother come pick up Mom. In the mean time I found a place an AL for her close to me. When my brother brought her back, she went right into the home with all her stuff. She's been there for 4 days now and all she says is she doesn't like it and wants to go home. Nobody will take her. My excuse is I started working while she was gone. She is very shy and now she has turned from sweet to rude. She won't go out and met people. She has a lot of hip and back pain and can't walk that well and won't use her walker. She is so stubborn. I stayed the first night with her and woke up many time and with a back ache. Stayed all day but came home the second night. I go 2 times a day and she still complains about the place. I will cut down to one day, then every other day. I'm having just as hard time with her there as when she was with me. My brother's live 2 hrs away. Not much help from them. What else can I do? Wait and see?
All of our bedrooms are on the second floor and there is only a half bath on the first level. My little office next to our living room became mom's bedroom. Do you know what it's like to not be able to use your main living space by 9:30 at night with a teenager? No family time, no friends over even on weekends? Not too mention my mom complained bitterly about whatever we watched on TV before that time and was miserable and always picking fights.
I OWE my son the right to have a relatively normal life before he's out of school. To be able to have friends over, to see US enjoying the company of friends.
My mom is not just a room and bed number at her ALF. She has some great caregivers that I've gotten to know personally. They are now friends to mom. You must've looked at some pretty bad places.
What I'm saying and I think what MsDaisy is saying, is that not everyone's situation is the same, or the same as yours anyway. I find your words not helpful to people that are in the process of making this difficult decision.
You are correct in your statement that "Being in an ALF will never compare to living with family." That's right. This family gets to live THEIR lives now without her uber-control over our every waking moment, and sleep time too. The staff gets to deal with her desire to get up at 4:00 a.m. every day of her life. And they get to go home after their shift and come back rested.
Good on you for keeping your word. Sometimes that's all they are though, are words. I respect the past and my mother, but my son is the future and he deserves a peaceful home.
My son is in his developmental and sometimes challenging teenage years where he deserves my focus. I'm not going to neglect him to focus on my mother, let alone expose him to daily screaming matches which could very well harm him mentally and emotionally. This is HIS time to plan for the future and for me to guide him along the way. Do you have any idea the time it takes to research colleges, all the different testing they need to complete and jumping through hoops for scholarship applications, etc. It's like a full-time job in itself. My job as a parent is to see to HIS needs first. That is my responsibility from the day he was born until he leaves the nest and he deserves a calm and loving living environment until that day.
My mother had many, many years of a very good life. I continue to see that she is very well cared for in her ALF, visit her every other day and we take her on outings every week. She still lives a quality life.
Thank you for inspiring me to type these words. I'm even more resolute in not feeling any guilt that I do not deserve.
Think back in your own life when you were in an all new situation - starting high school, a new job, getting used to being a young married person, a new home - anything new and different, you get the drift.
If you're like me, by week two: I didn't have my HS schedule down pat, I didn't know everything about a new job, marriage is a forever learning experience and it takes quite awhile to learn about the ins and outs of a new home.
Most of those things we did at a fairly young age when we were more adaptable. Our elders, for the most part, aren't as capable of adapting. It will take time. Even then she might not be happy, or at least keep up that front for you.
All the girls love my mom and confide in me how cheerful and fun she is. I've come to realize and accept that I'm her "safe place" to complain. I'm also the vault for all her memories of younger day with my dad.
This has been a long process for all involved. It didn't help that she moved to a new ALF last September (her choice, smoking regs.). Readjustment all over again, and it took a good two months to figure things out and my mom has only mild dementia.
I hear you about watching your own life pass by while taking care of a parent. I'm in the process now of working my way through of what I need to do to get some vacation time from ALF visits. My mom's ALF started a caregiver support group in October that meets monthly. It's been a great experience, like AC but in real life. :) Check and see if your mom's ALF has one, or if someone there in management would be helpful in starting one. There are some many people in this situation. We all need help and some kind words and suggestions.
Blessings to you from another Suzi.
Blessing to you also.