After struggling with the decision, we moved my mom, who has an Alzheimer's diagnosis, to Memory Care on Wednesday -- at the virtual insistence of the administrators in her senior-living building and on advice of medical pros. It went fairly well, but then that night and the next morning she was very confused and thought she was in a hotel out of town. By last night and this morning she realized she was in an apartment on a locked floor. I will say this: the two-room suite she has is truly lovely and large, with big windows and a great view. The unit itself is the best in the area, we are told. But it is still a secured ward, and she is enraged about that. She is now calling and accusing us of taking all her money and "incarcerating" her. Of course she does not remember any of the conversations we had about the move, at which time she seemed willing to give it a try.
This is very hard to take, especially since the outrage about being on a locked floor is totally human and understandable. I expected some upset, but now I wonder if my mother will spend the rest of her years hating me and distrusting me as she does today. I am an only child. There is a part of me that is tempted to say okay, forget the whole thing, and move her back to her old place rather than accept the destruction of our relationship for the remainder of her life. It is hard not to doubt a decision that is causing so much anguish. Can others say whether the anger and distrust wear off, or is this just pain we all have to live with now so she can be physically safe?
Stop paying attention to what your mother is telling you and focus on the reality of the situation instead. She's got Alz, she's been moved into a beautiful apartment in a great Memory Care ALF with top notch amenities where she's safe and sound. Period. Before long, she's likely to start confabulating wild stories ANYWAY about what a bad guy you are and all sorts of nonsense, so who cares if there is a 'destruction of the relationship' going on? It will happen one way or another b/c the disease is in charge now! She will accuse you of stealing, lying, whatever.........all lies that paint you to be a monster. If she's safe and sound, THAT is what counts, nothing else. The disease has robbed her of all rational thought and the mother that once was is no more. Your only job is to ensure her safety.
I know how hard all of this is, I have been going through it for the past 2 years my mother has been steadily declining in Memory Care, and the 3 years beforehand she was diagnosed with progressive dementia. It's all bad, all ugly, with only short glimpses of happiness thrown in once in a while. All I really care about at this point is that she's safe and secure; all the rest is just the dementia gibberish she is spouting off on a daily basis.
I recommend you take a break from speaking/seeing your mother to let her settle in. Then, go into the MC without her knowledge and lay eyes on her........see what she's doing, how she's acting, who she's engaging with. See for yourself that she's fine and then you'll know for a fact she's just laying it on nice and thick for your benefit when she's crying and carrying on later.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
As others have noted, when we aren't around to be a reminder of days gone by, so often they are enjoying time with others, with activities, etc.
I would also recommend staying away for at least a week, perhaps even 2. If at all possible, try to "sneak" in and observe - be that proverbial fly on the wall, so you can see for yourself how she's doing. The staff is reporting her doing well, but you are not totally convinced. Seeing for yourself may give you some solace.
While there are exceptions, likely more dependent on the type of dementia, most residents do "settle in" and participate in activities, even if it's just coffee klatching with the other ladies. Then when we show up, it jogs memory of the before times and gets them wound up - sometimes.
When you do begin visits, bring little gifts to distract her, a bouquet of flowers, some sweet or treat she really likes, a book or magazine, something to "dress up" her room. Anything to take her focus off "home." (NOTE: home over time may become a previous place she's lived in. Nine months after moving my mother to MC, she was focused on her mother, gone 40+ years, and the house she/we lived in prior to her condo, which would have been then too.)
You've done the best for her. You didn't do this to hurt her or lock her away, but rather to ensure she's safe and well cared for. It also allows you to resume your role as loving child rather than grouchy nurse! Staff has reported she's doing well, socializing and eating. While it's hard to listen to her rant and accuse, take solace in the fact that she IS doing well.
Or, she may just stay the way she is. You prepare yourself for either and hope for the best.
And, nobody is making you answer the phone, right? Just that nasty old guilt. Only talk to her when YOU call HER. If she's calling you, she's probably amped up about something and you don't need to carry her anger around.
It IS most important that she be safe, and it sounds like she needs to be where she is. I'm sorry for what is obviously causing you pain---but it's what's best.
Time is the great healer. Give yourself a few MONTHS and see how she does.
But buckle up buttercup, as it will take a while. Usually a facility will encourage you NOT to go an visit them for a short initial period of time. Maybe week / 10 days so they can acclimate and get on whatever medication management so that they are all even. Let it play out. Don’t let her guiltify you. If she has always been unhappy, she will stay that way too. Enjoy your 4th and next week.
here’s my moms story, moved my 90’s mom from her beloved yard & home to an IL in a tiered facility (went from IL to AL to NH w a hospice wing). We had looked at several and she did couple of “play dates” at it prior. All agreeable. Day of move she is wringing her hands, crying, walking in circles in her bedroom, saying you can’t force me, yada yada as the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. Loads of drama. I had to go outside where the van driver is taking a smoke break. He asks hows it going & very matter of fact he tells me, just make sure she doesn’t throw herself on the truck lift. Anyways van gets quickly loaded. We go over to to IL, furniture & art gets placed. I had outfitted bath & kitchenette in advance; a resident gets mom to go w her an activity. She comes back, she is pissy too, I leave. Admissions heavily suggested wait a week to visit for IL (2 weeks for AL & NH). So instead I called ea morning to see how the nite went and to make sure she placed her door hanger outside (this is how this place made sure all ok, as had to put hanger on hallway door by 8:30 AM). All seems good first few days, but she is still pissy. Then 1 morning I called no answer, waited a bit & did again, still no answer, then again, I go into OCD mode, get dressed and about to run over imagining the worst, call one last time & she answers the phone. Me: You ok? Mom: “yes” (terse), me: you sound out of breathe, feeling ok? Mom: “yes I told you that, I heard the phone from the hallway and had to rush back to answer, I need to go, the van is coming, we’re going to Steinmart”. She hangs up on me.
Hangs up. Yeah, IL is different than locked ward MC, but they do adapt. Let her vent, wait it out, then visit as if nothing has happened.
You are the rational, responsible individual who has assumed that position out of your love and concern for her welfare.
She doesn’t remember conversations that included her in the decision regarding her move because her brain is damaged by a vicious illness. You must use your compassion and understanding to accept the fact that she is not saying what relates to her reality but what relates to her fear.
Many MCs request that family-in-charge stay away for a few days, until those in charge of her care can see how she relates to them and to her new environment. It’s probably a good idea to ask them now, if nothing has been said to you, how and when they want you to resume contact, and whether or not they think you should or should not answer the phone calls.
It does go away, when the new faces become more familiar, but the actual time frame is a little different for everybody. My LO was pretty tough, and the MCU approved psychiatrist was a major help.
Your description of the pain of keeping her physically safe is so apt, and so true, and there are NO good ways of dealing with her discomfort. You will need to remind yourself many MANY TIMES that the hostile anger isn’t really aimed at you, no matter how focused it may seem.
In time you will that if love is present in each difficult decision you make on her behalf, you’ll never go wrong.
She doesn't hate or distrust you. The disease does.
You did the right thing moving her into AL for her own safety, and if she has moments of lucidity, in those moments she knows you did too. Sometimes the right thing isn't the one that makes everyone happy. Don't beat yourself up over it because it's beyond your control.
When she calls and starts accusing you of having her incarcerated and stealing her money, just keep telling her it's not true. Don't take all of her calls either. Let some of them go to voicemail. Cut a call short if you need to. Take care of your own mental health because it's important. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to do anything for your mom.
Keep busy. You did the right thing and do not move her back to her old place.
Your relationship is not destroyed. The relationship you had was with your mother whose brain functioned properly. If you think about Alzheimer's as brain damage, then you can understand better what you are dealing with. That brain damage wreaks havoc with communication, understanding and so on.
Also it goes back and forth, from moments of lucidity to moments of unknowing. She didn't know where she was, as you mentioned. People with working brains know where they are.
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