My 85 year-old recently widowed father won't move to my house. He says his house is his "life." My stepmother died suddenly 9 months ago and I left my home and husband to move in with him. I've begun remodeling the downstairs bedroom for him by putting in a walk-in shower, going to build a ramp outside, shampoo the carpets, change window blinds, and move in his own bedroom stuff along with some of his living room items. He says he's not moving, that he can get anyone from church to come in, he doesn't need to have someone all the time, etc. He's a nice man, doesn't wander, doesn't show signs of a danger to himself but he absolutely cannot take care of himself. His independence ends at dressing himself and showering. I manage EVERYTHING. The doctor has advised him to move in with us and I keep her letter at his bedside. I have POA. Is that enough to move him to my house?
Being his POA does NOT mean you have to do all "hands on" caregiving. You just need to make sure he has help and supervision. It doesn't have to be YOU. You sound frazzled enough already. Dad would be better off in an AL facility, so he won't be depressed and lonely. He's got grief to get through. Plus he'd have 24Hr. care, with 3 shifts a day. Done by experienced professionals. Like those who will be changing his diapers down the road...unless you plan to if he's living at your house.
Now take a few deep breaths and slow down. Stop trying to push Dad to come live in your home. Also, be sure you are not paying for this remodel at Dad's house with your own money. Why would you go to all that trouble, yet are trying to manipulate him into moving in with you? Don't you have a job and your own house to take care of?
Keep in mind you made vows to your HUSBAND, not your Dad. You left your husband and home to move in with your Dad and crack a whip over him? How does your husband feel about being aced out for your elderly Dad? You aren't concerned about your marriage at all?
Good luck with this crazy plan. You are going to need it.,
Of course he shouldn't be living by himself, but that doesn't mean that you have to physically move him into your home. As his POA it means that you need to look out for his well being, not take him in and do his hands on care.
Sadly your father will only get worse and he now needs to either hire full-time help in his home with his money or move into the appropriate facility.
Your marriage and husband have suffered long enough now, and needs to be your number one top priority, not your father. You said your vows to your husband not your husband. Don't forget that.
Do NOT move him in with you. You will become chained to his care in ways you now cannot imagine. Also, unless he is on a main floor without stairs, a basement quarters is NOT a good idea for a declining elder. Eventually he will not be able to go up and down stairs. This may happen sooner than later. And, you may lose your privacy. Often with ALZ the person loses their judgment and filters and empathy, and will "crash" your private lives in very daily and unpleasant ways. You will find yourself trying to be the Entertainment Committee for someone with a memory deficit who can't remember he just did something a few minutes ago.
The doctor obviously has never moved an elderly parent in with them or they would not have made this suggestion. Eventually your Dad's ALZ will advance to the point where he will be incontinent and be bedridden. You will be turning him in bed to change him, feed him, bath him. Is this really how you want to spend your time? Did he do it for his parents? Maybe find him a different doctor.
Your Dad maybe needs meds for depression, not just for his grief but because cognitive decline often means the end of happiness for the individual. It's extremely common.
Please reconsider this arrangement -- especially since you are spending money to remodel your house and reorder your marriage. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
Help your father to hire the care he needs in his own home. When the need outstrips his ability to pay for it, then you can move him to an assisted living or memory care facility, either in his current town if he has friends and activities there, or near you, if he doesn't. You can then use your POA to sell his house to pay for this.
When you say he cannot take care of himself, what specifically do you mean by that? If he needs help with meals, look into Meals on Wheels. Order groceries and have them delivered to him for remaining meals. Hire a cleaner to come in once a week (including laundry). Put his bills on auto-pay. Set up security cameras so you can keep an eye on him. Buy a supply of paper and plastic plates, cups, flatware so that he doesn't have to do dishes. Order additional needs from Amazon for delivery to him.
If you put these various supports in place, you might be pleasantly surprised that he can function better than you think. Or you might determine that he really is helpless and needs to go to AL or MC. You'll have a stronger case to make to him and to anyone else who might question your decision.
It's very kind of you to do all this for him. But you don't have to give up your entire life, including your marriage, for his needs.
i guess what I am trying to convey is that, even without the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, my caregiving journey is exhausting, anxiety provoking, freedom eliminating, and the daily responsibilities are crushing. It is a 24/7/365 gig and eclipses all other relationships simply because of the extreme and constant needs of the care recipient (and my dad so far is able to mostly handle ADLs, with some help—although indications are that is beginning to change). Think of everything you would need to do for a two year old, but the person is 170 pounds, can’t see well, hear well, move reliably, taste or smell, and is set in their ways and has multiple serious health issues with constant doctor/specialist appointments, labs, imaging, etc. Yes, he is worth excellent care! But a one person job it is not.
If I were you, with my hind sight, I would first of all spend time in prayer seeking direction on best next steps. Everyone has different situations, but our Lord knows everything. Maybe consider giving him time in his home to grieve for a while more, with hired caregiving in place (as long as it works safely). Meanwhile you could visit facilities and see what is possible. You would still be caring for him, visiting him and coordinating care and finances, etc. But this way he would have the benefit of social interaction (something my dad craves but hasn’t found an outlet for that he likes) and specialized care. Your other relationships are important and can be severely strained and other lives really effected in this noble goal of caring for someone with this disease, so please carefully consider this from all aspects, and carefully discuss all aspects of this with everyone who will be effected.
You are trying too hard and trying to do too much.
You can not fix everything for him. Be happy that he is fairly independent. Showering and dressing himself is a big deal! That's one of the first things to go!
Let him try it on his own. Until he becomes unsafe. Let him fail. It may take a fall or some serious emergency to get him out of his house. When he ends up in the hospital, you pick him up and take him to your house, where you have his room all set up.
Yes, technically, as POA, if he has dementia, you can force him to move in to your house, but I think that's not the right move at this time. Take your time and seriously reconsider whether you are willing to become a 24 hour care slave as your father's capabilities diminish. Is this fair to your family? Your spouse? Your children?
Here's what's coming as his disease progresses: He will become incontinent and need diapers changed. He may be resistant or not understand and will pee or poop at various places around the house. He will start wandering in the middle of the night; leave the water running, leave the gas stove on, escape out the front door and get lost, start yelling and arguing with you when he is confused, oh, and he will stop bathing and changing his clothes.
It is so much safer for you and for him to be in a Memory Care facility or Assisted Living community, where he will have social opportunities with others his age.
And, more importantly, trained care providers around-the-clock as his needs change.
Or the other option is full time 24/7 care hired to keep him home at his house but that’s very expensive. He should not be alone , he needs supervision .